Warning: this entry contains adult language.
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
September 02, 2008
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
July 02, 2008
A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon
As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
July 01, 2008
A Series of Events (Part II) - Saturday morning
My wife wasn't too happy that she had to work Saturday. She is a salaried employee who doesn't really have the luxury of saying "No" or taking a break when she would like to. I do have some empathy for her as I know her boss and the company takes advanatge of her.
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
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