Lacking Synchronicity

Today I feel very odd.

The best way I can put it (and I already know my own description is lost in translation) is that I am outside my physical self. I mean I currently aware my body is seated in a chair, and that I am typing, but I also feel adrift in a sea of lazy psychic currents.

Is it because I am tired both mentally and physically? My body has been a bit sore and tender the last few days, but it feels as if my mind wishes to wander a bit too. I keep having thoughts of being elsewhere....not work...not home....

My mind just keeps conjuring up false, yet oh-so-real locals. Like my daydreams could actually become reality. I've been thinking of sunsets again in the desert and feeling the breeze upon my body. I've pictured small lighthouses on coastal beaches. I've been thinking of lazily drinking an ice-tea while sitting in fabric lounge chair in the shade. I smell different fragrances in the air...whether it be summertime flowers, or ocean mist, or even wild desert sage mixed with the smells of hot sand.

I was asked to go to lunch today with a coworker, but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and maybe get in some reading. I actually did read for a bit, but then afterwards, I place my book down and just sank into the bench I was seated upon. It's almost as if I became one with the bench and it took a real effort to concentrate on anything at all. Even more so it seemed like a major feat to even think about getting up and going back to the grind. If given the opportunity to get really lost, I think I could have sat there for an undetermined amount of time and let the world pass me by. It really felt good and realizing to separate myself from the real world.

I didn't sleep much last night. That may be contributing to my feelings of separation from myself. It was warm at the house and I awoke a few times throughout the early morning hours. I recall glancing at the clock a few times, so I figure maybe I got about 5 hours of sleep.

Work has also been on my mind this last week as well. Perhaps even making me a tad grouchy. There are a few pieces of equipment that just seem to keep breaking, and my company doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. I have the sense they don't wish to spend money for replacement equipment....instead just tasking me over and over to patch it up...to the point where the patches aren't working any longer either, and they want to know why things aren't working. See....they keep asking why....but there is no real serious mention of 'okay...how do we fix it then?'.

At lunch today I saw a woman I was attracted to. Not because she was pretty. By typical standards, she was very unassuming and plain looking, very average. Much paler than I am normally attracted to, so I can't say it was her looks (although she wasn't ugly by any stretch). She was attractive in a light I never really saw a stranger before....she just seemed 'genuine'. Now I have no idea what that actually means or if it is true or not.....she just seemed to carry herself in such a way that she was peaceful and happy and just exuded this aura that she would be a nice companion. I even caught myself wondering what our family vacation would be like, and how our kids looked. In just those brief 30 seconds, my mind had crafted snapshots of family holidays, our home, our time together in various aspects....and it was all pleasant. Of course I feel somewhat guilty for being already married, but it's like I wanted to have a different life again, and this was my minds way of saying 'What the heck happened here?'

Is my mind trying to point out to me that I secretly know I am still unhappy with the life I currently lead. Do I desperately really and truly want a 'do-over'? I can't help but conclude 'yes'.

What is going on in the world?

Is it me, or does it seem that the last few years that more and more natural disasters are taking place? For all I know, there may be a constant level of activity taking place all the time, but because the population of this planet keeps increasing and the fact that cameras, cell phones, and other technologies make news instantaneous, its just seems like this stuff is happening more and more often. And in greater magnitude.

In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).

"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)

I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.

I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.

I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.

I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?