I Dream of True Love

Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.

For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.

They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.

I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.

There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.

All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.

Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.

She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.

As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.

As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."

That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.

It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.

Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.

When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.

I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.

And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.

Reconciliations

Well, at least I have a glimmer of some good news as of late.

It appears that my neighbors recent seperation and possible divorce looks to be put on hold. I noticed his car in the driveway earlier last week and it was there the next morning.

Of course speculation was running wild throughout the block, but it was all hush-hush. I had a feeling early on that this may be possible despite what others were constantly saying.

Finally after a few days, the female neighbor sent my wife an e-mail saying they needed to talk. Of course, with much trepidation, humbleness and timidness our neighbor explained to my wife that she and her husband were going to try and 'work things out'. I am to understand that he has agreed to go to cousneling, and after being a way for a few weeks has perhaps 'woke up and smelled the coffee' and while much needs to be worked on for the forseeable future in terms of trust and emotions, he will be over there a few nights a week.

He, (and it is understandable as to why) is a little shy right now to face everyone on the street for I am sure what he sees as a grilling and the task of explaining his recent actions to all. I don't blame him. I'm nit exactly sure what I would do either. I'd like to think I'm man enough to go door to door and maybe lay it on the line on a one-on-one conversation with those that I felt were involved. In this manner, I'm gald I stayed out of it to begin with other than my advice to the wife.

On the other hand my own wife feels a bit awkward right now and has a small serving of self-imposed 'crow' to eat. This is one of the times where I tried to give my wife advice as to how involved she should get lest things turn around, but she went with her own feelings anyway, and now realizes that perhaps she got 'too' involved and now even feels more awkward than anyone else on the street that has moved back in. She gave me that look the other day that said "Don't tell me 'I told you so'. I know, okay."

I did run into him yesterday for the first time since everything went down about a month ago. All I could muster up was "Hey, I like you hair like that." (It was a little longer and did look good). I didn't want to bring attention to all the stuff going on in their lives right now, so I pretended that all was normal.

If and when he is ready to talk, perhaps he'll open up to me. I can imagine he'll need all the friends he can get right now with all eyes on the street currently on him.

The Lord recommends that we seek for reconcillation. He doesn't want any marriage or relationship to suffer. I hope His attention soon turns to me and my own wife. I'd like to think she learned some lessons in this recent situation next door, and for the first time since we've been married....she has been a little more open about her feelings and is able to admit some of her own flaws in our marriage. I suppose that's a good sign. I guess I'll take what I can get for now.

A friend looses a pet

I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.

Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.

I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.

I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.

My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:

"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.

She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."

After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.

A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)

I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.

I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.

I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.

Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.

He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.

He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.

And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.

He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)

Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.

We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.

Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.

To be continued....

Ability vs Availability

"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."

Wow.

I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.

What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.

I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.

So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.

My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.

A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.

I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.

Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.

It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.

I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.

I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.

God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.

You can't please everybody.

The Bible tells us that this ignorance is "willful" (Psalm 10:4). It's not that a person can't find God, but that he won't. It has been rightly said that the "atheist" can't find God for the same reason a thief can't find a policeman. He knows that if he admits that there is a God, he is admitting that he is ultimately responsible to Him. (- Ray Comfort)

Some time back I posted on my blog here I came across a site in regards to famous people who claim to be atheists. As I suggested then, and I stand by that now, I feel somewhat saddened for them all and bummed to find out some of the people I looked up to in life are non-believers.

The best I can do for those that are still alive today is to pray for them, because I believe all things are possible in His time and His will. The softening of hearts can indeed happen, and there are plenty of examples in the bible in which stated atheists found God later in life.

As Ray Comfort points out, ignorance is "willful", though this may sound a bit harsh. I can tell atheists that I too have been known to struggle. My faith has been questionable at times, and even though I do believe today, I'd be lying if I said the thought never occurred to me: "If there is a God, then why did X happen to me, or to Y, or how could He allow this to take place?"

Hey, I wish I had the answers. Not only for atheists, but for me as well. It'd sure make my life a lot simpler, or I suppose all of our lives simpler if we never had a reason to question God's existance or sovereignty over us all.

I received some comments from a person lately in regards to that post that simply said: "U Suck." Well, on some days I surely do. There are days I am deplorable and wonder why Christ would die for me, let alone anyone else, and ask nothing in return other than my love, and sharing that love with others. There are days I look in the mirror and cannot even love myself, and I've shared my anger and bitterness in regards to people around me and how 'unfair' life is.

So someone telling me that "I suck" multiple times, because I am concerned with the salvation of some very talented and influential people, in the grand scheme of things, does little to me. Oh, yes, if you're reading this, you did indeed cause me some ire; I am writing about it now aren't I? However, in the end all that be all, believe me, you have to do a lot better in your argumentative skills other than "U suck" to even begin to shake me. You can't shake someone who has already been at their lowest, 'cause I've already been there and knows how miserable life can be without God. And I'm not saying my life today is a bed of roses...not by a long shot. I'm still a new person in Christ, and admittedly I am not mature enough to debate anyone for that matter. How arrogant would I be if I claimed I could?

The one thing that you did indeed accomplish, is that you know have me praying for you along with praying for myself. And while I may continue to suck for quite some time in your eyes for caring for others eternal peace, perhaps one day we will meet, God willing, in the afterlife and we can share a hug and look back at this on how we first met and you came to know the Lord. Perhaps you will make my own faith grow stronger as well.

100th post - A long road to get here.

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this?" (Job 12:7-9)

Didn't really dawn on me until a few posts ago that I was coming up my 100th post. And I can't say that I had given much thought on what I was going to say.

A lot has transpired in almost two years. I lost a loved one, I had a surgery, I lost my job, my marriage was rocky, I drank, I was under a lot of stress, I was diagnosed bi-polar and depressed and thus medicated for both, and my walk with the Lord was questionable at best.

There was a period of time I cried daily, if not hourly. I wanted to run away, to disappear into the night and start over elsewhere leaving everyone behind. I had thoughts of suicide, but alas to chicken to carry any of those thoughts out. I realized a lot of my pride got in my way of a number of things and in short I was not a happy person to be around. I didn't even want to be me.

I think of the young man, Robert Hawkins, who just yesterday took the life of 7 people at a mall in Nebraska, and then turned the gun on himself and ended his own existence bringing the count of to 8. I am saddened for him, and the victims, and the affected families as well. Strangely, I am not filled with anger towards his selfish and perhaps cowardly act, because, dare I say I too know the pain of depression and the feelings of hopelessness and emptiness.

And then there was God. Correction; then there IS God.

Oh, I always knew there was a God. That's never really been a doubt of my life that He exists, it just seemed like He wasn't existing in my life. I realize now that it was me who wasn't allowing Him in. My words and actions and the condition of my heart were blinded to Him.

I know I said this before, and some of you may think I am strange, but I believe in my own heart that God exposed His true love for me through my dog. When I sat broken and listless, when I thought my wife could have been more supportive and I was sick of everyone else's cliches, it was my dogs limitless devotion and love to me, his owner, that began to break down my walls.

It wouldn't be too much longer before I felt a calling to go back to church. To try and let go of my pride (easier said than done...even today) and learn to submit to His will and His control.

It was a long road, and I'll never say I am 100% cured now (maybe someday), for I occasionally have relapses when my emotions seem to get the better of me (usually when the enemy is there to try and knock me back on my ass), and sometimes they do.

The attacks are stronger sometimes than others, and I can't say that I don't feel doubt here and there about everything.

But having God back in my life has allowed me to turn the corner. Oh, it's an uphill battle, but today I am standing up taking it one step at a time, rather than sitting staring at an empty bottle or contempt for humanity.

I wonder about Robert Hawkins. Did he finally find peace that has plagued his mental state for however long? Could I have ever reached that level if pushed hard enough? Were the other victims saved and do they find themselves in heaven today, or did they reject Christ once given the chance before and decided that religion could come at a later time? I don't know and I don't think any of us ever will.

So today, I was taking a break outside and saw a feral cat. Not 'feral' in the sense it was foaming at the mouth and diseased, but a cat that lives in the field by my work, who probably dines on the occasional field mouse or bird. It was skinny and laying in the bushes, trying to keep warm, and it dawned on me that this is that cat's existence, day in and day out, until one day it is either hunted by a larger predator, gets hit by a car, or dies of natural causes.

And as I studied this cat, laying still and breathing steadily, I felt as if there was a certain 'peace' amongst the whole scene, as if the Holy Spirit was there showing me something. That 'something' was God's creation and that I could admire it, and the cat was okay with my presence there watching it. All other sounds and cares of mine momentarily disappeared, and it was just me and the cat, God's example to me that all things are taken care of, even me, if I allow Him to.

As I sat there longer, my thoughts drifted towards my dog, and all the trust and joy he gives me, and am I no different when Jesus looks at me? Am I to be calm, and peaceful, and give Christ the trust and joy that animals give me? I should, though I don't always remember to. Someday perhaps I will no longer need my medication...I can only hope and pray.

The animals taught me something today. Actually God taught me something today through the animals. There I was and still am humbled that I too am like a feral cat....living one day at a time, wanting to place my trust in God to take care of me, that He is in control and I am not. The peace that was shown to me today is something I really can't define, it goes beyond just a mere definition...it was a 'feeling', that one day I hope to experience in eternity.

Wrestling with Moral Character and Judgements

I happened to come across this story today on CNN.com in regard to a former Playboy Playmate Susie Scott Krabacher and her work today as to saving orphans in the country of Haiti. I suppose one of the reasons this article made the news was to help rpomote her new book "Angels of a Lower Flight."


The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.


In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.


I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?


But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.


And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?


I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.

But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.

I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.

I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.