Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
Showing posts with label lawyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lawyer. Show all posts
March 22, 2012
March 15, 2012
Wed update
It just gets better and better.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
March 09, 2012
Finding my voice?
Not sure what happened to the first lawyer I spoke with, but he seems to have fallen off the planet. It's Friday afternoon now, and after two attempts earlier this week, he has not contacted me back.
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
- I did not Cause it.
- I cannot Control her.
- I cannot Cure her.
It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.
It's about finding my voice. Again.
I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.
It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).
My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.
She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.
When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.
She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.
My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.
That's it for now.
March 08, 2012
Random thoughts at 1:30
It's a painfully slow day at work today.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)