Dazed

That's how I feel today.

I just wrote my wife a long email and sent it to her. I hope she reads it with an understanding and open heart. Sometimes, I fear that when I open up, I'm not being the typical male and look like some complaining baby in her eyes. Yes, I'm a very sensitive male.

The last few days, the amount of sleep I've been getting is a little below average. I've also had that familair feeling of anxiety creeping up by the occassional tightness in my chest, but I don't know what is casuing it. My dreams have been a little darker lately too...not full blown nightmares, but nothing overly pleasant either.

Things at home have been going fairly well otherwise. My wife is doing very well on a diet. She's lost almost 18 lbs the last 4 weeks. In retrospect, I should be more outwardly supportive and complimentary, but I often forget.

Today is my step-daughters birthday....and I totally forgot. I should know better, and now I do have some guilt feelings over it. I wish my wife would have reminded me or at least gave me a card to sign. But that's not her fault. I should know better, which is yet just another reminder that my relationship with my step-daughter isn't where it should be from my perspective.

It's also another reminder that I don't have any of my own children, and while I am happy for my friends, I was reminded yesterday that they just had a baby and another friend of mine is actively trying with his wife. And we aren't. I wonder if that's because my wife still thinks I am not ready because of my mental state, because her lifestyle is changing a bit now, or she just gave up because of all the past difficulties we had conceiving in the past and she's beyond trying again, just to be let down.

I told my one friend the other day that I do hope I die before my wife when we get older...because I won't have anyone to look after me someday. I know this sounds like I'm rehashing the past, but I truly do feel I will die alone. And this saddens me and breaks my heart more than I can ever explain to my wife.

It doesn't help that its Valentines day this Thursday, and I'm drawing a complete and utter blank. The best I can do right now is buy a card for my wife and my parents, but all creativity that I was known for at one time seems gone. I can't think of any gift other than a cliche dinner and flowers which is soo typical and expected. There's no creativity in that, and yet when I look at my wife (or think of my parents)...nothing comes to mind. Nothing. And that makes me feel crappy as well.