The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.
My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.
Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.
I hurt so much right now.
I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.
I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.
I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.
I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.
How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.
The list can go on and on.
I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.
But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.
I really am that co-dependant.
Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.
I cried this morning.
And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.
I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.
I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.
I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
April 18, 2012
March 20, 2012
Riding off into the Sunset...
Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
January 07, 2009
An uncertain tomorrow
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2)
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
September 16, 2008
Don't get sucked in.
So things for all intents and purposes seem to be going well, but of course nothing ever is at it seems. You know the quip: "It's almost too quiet...Something isn't right?" Yeah, I almost found my self in it last night but I caught myself just before I got sucked into pandoras box or a gordian knot.
When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.
She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"
She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.
Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.
Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.
Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.
I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.
Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.
Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."
She replied, "I don't care what they think."
"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."
"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"
"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"
Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.
"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"
Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.
Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.
The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.
Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.
I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?
I ended the conversation here and went to bed.
When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.
She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"
She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.
Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.
Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.
Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.
I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.
Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.
Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."
She replied, "I don't care what they think."
"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."
"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"
"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"
Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.
"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"
Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.
Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.
The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.
Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.
I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?
I ended the conversation here and went to bed.
September 15, 2008
Weekly Wrap-up
I decided to take Friday off of work last week for a 'mental health' day. At least that's what I hear people are calling what once was known as 'playing hooky'.
My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.
Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.
I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.
The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.
After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.
Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.
My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"
She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.
And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.
To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.
She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.
Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.
My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.
Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.
I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.
The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.
After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.
Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.
My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"
She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.
And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.
To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.
She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.
Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.
September 09, 2008
The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
August 20, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part III)
It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
June 03, 2008
A new low
I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
May 12, 2008
What is going on in the world?
Is it me, or does it seem that the last few years that more and more natural disasters are taking place? For all I know, there may be a constant level of activity taking place all the time, but because the population of this planet keeps increasing and the fact that cameras, cell phones, and other technologies make news instantaneous, its just seems like this stuff is happening more and more often. And in greater magnitude.
In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).
"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)
I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.
I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.
I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.
I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?
In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).
"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)
I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.
I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.
I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.
I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?
May 01, 2008
Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part II)
So confusion........I started an entry yesterday, and as often happens, they seem to take on a life of their own and before I knew it, I wasn't going to get to the meat of the matter I had originally intended, thus I broke it up into parts.
Today is part 2. Maybe I'll wrap this up, maybe not and you'll be reading part 3 in a few days, so bare with me.
Being a loner most of my life, and especially the last few years have lent to a special air of isolationism on my part. Not that I ever made a conscious decision to end up that way, but circumstances as they have played out I suppose led me there. It's a mixed blessing. There are numerous days I seek companionship and yearn to return to the times where I was a much happier and 'go-lucky' person.....To be the 'life of the party' and everybody's friend as I was a decade ago.
On the flip side, there are days I enjoy the solitude and wish to block out all the madness and corruptness of the world. I want to be left alone and be in my own thoughts. Sometimes its a pleasurable experience, sometimes a very frightening one.
It's during these times of solitude that my mind works overtime and I think about so much and so many questions begin to surface. These are also the times I truly wonder if I do have a 'tinge' of mental instability as a result of imbalanced chemicals, or a lingering symptom of continued depression. When I should be day dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and warm beaches and sunsets, my mind tends to drift to apocalyptic events, relationship woes, death, etc.
I mentioned that my wife and I had an 'episode' about two weeks ago. And she made some very valid points. Valid enough that I have to take stock in myself and wonder if my prayers sometimes are not 'pure' enough to be answered. What does God have intended for me, and when will the continuous testing stop and the healing actually begin? Perhaps the healing has begun, but my stubborn side is looking for something more overt, like the Jews looking for a more 'kingly' messiah, than a simple man born in a manger who was and continues to be humble.
After that episode with my wife a lot of strange co incidents started to become very overt to me. It started with church. That Sunday my pastor was teaching from the book of Daniel....and drawing a parallel from Daniels visions to those events to come in Revelations.....a scary subject. On Monday as I was driving home from work, I turned on Christian radio (something I very rarely do) and the message happened to be that of the book of Daniel...again. It was the same message!!!
It gets stranger....
Tuesday I was reading a book, and it just so happens that I came across a chapter (unplanned) that spoke of the end times. And finally Tuesday evening I turned on talk radio late at night (it helps me sleep at times) and the whole two hour block again was on the end times and prophecy. By this time I was spooked! I still am. Two events may be a coincidence, but 4 in the span of 48 hours all talking about the 'end times'? Of course now I can't sleep at this point as I am convinced (at least in my mind) something very suspicious and abnormal is going on here. Why am I hearing these things? Am I being driven mad? Is God trying to tell me something? Or is it Satan having a good laugh at my expense?
But Christ says only He knows the hour and the time. He says not to worry, cast your burdens upon Him, for those that are faithful and have accepted Him should be in peace and care not of the trivialities of this world, for it shall perish, and we will be reborn into glorified bodies and live in the Kingdom forever!!!
However, the confusion begins to escalate for me and I need to seek out some reassurance...
(to be continued...)
Today is part 2. Maybe I'll wrap this up, maybe not and you'll be reading part 3 in a few days, so bare with me.
Being a loner most of my life, and especially the last few years have lent to a special air of isolationism on my part. Not that I ever made a conscious decision to end up that way, but circumstances as they have played out I suppose led me there. It's a mixed blessing. There are numerous days I seek companionship and yearn to return to the times where I was a much happier and 'go-lucky' person.....To be the 'life of the party' and everybody's friend as I was a decade ago.
On the flip side, there are days I enjoy the solitude and wish to block out all the madness and corruptness of the world. I want to be left alone and be in my own thoughts. Sometimes its a pleasurable experience, sometimes a very frightening one.
It's during these times of solitude that my mind works overtime and I think about so much and so many questions begin to surface. These are also the times I truly wonder if I do have a 'tinge' of mental instability as a result of imbalanced chemicals, or a lingering symptom of continued depression. When I should be day dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and warm beaches and sunsets, my mind tends to drift to apocalyptic events, relationship woes, death, etc.
I mentioned that my wife and I had an 'episode' about two weeks ago. And she made some very valid points. Valid enough that I have to take stock in myself and wonder if my prayers sometimes are not 'pure' enough to be answered. What does God have intended for me, and when will the continuous testing stop and the healing actually begin? Perhaps the healing has begun, but my stubborn side is looking for something more overt, like the Jews looking for a more 'kingly' messiah, than a simple man born in a manger who was and continues to be humble.
After that episode with my wife a lot of strange co incidents started to become very overt to me. It started with church. That Sunday my pastor was teaching from the book of Daniel....and drawing a parallel from Daniels visions to those events to come in Revelations.....a scary subject. On Monday as I was driving home from work, I turned on Christian radio (something I very rarely do) and the message happened to be that of the book of Daniel...again. It was the same message!!!
It gets stranger....
Tuesday I was reading a book, and it just so happens that I came across a chapter (unplanned) that spoke of the end times. And finally Tuesday evening I turned on talk radio late at night (it helps me sleep at times) and the whole two hour block again was on the end times and prophecy. By this time I was spooked! I still am. Two events may be a coincidence, but 4 in the span of 48 hours all talking about the 'end times'? Of course now I can't sleep at this point as I am convinced (at least in my mind) something very suspicious and abnormal is going on here. Why am I hearing these things? Am I being driven mad? Is God trying to tell me something? Or is it Satan having a good laugh at my expense?
But Christ says only He knows the hour and the time. He says not to worry, cast your burdens upon Him, for those that are faithful and have accepted Him should be in peace and care not of the trivialities of this world, for it shall perish, and we will be reborn into glorified bodies and live in the Kingdom forever!!!
However, the confusion begins to escalate for me and I need to seek out some reassurance...
(to be continued...)
April 30, 2008
Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part I)
...or does He?
At various times in my life I have always wondered why the Bible and the teachings of both the old testament and new testament are more straight forward. I suppose it depends on who you ask...but I think that most can agree that somewhere during their own personal struggles with faith and belief we have wondered exactly what a specific verse means.
Today, there are numerous versions of the bible, including but not limited to: NIV, King James, The Living Bible, New American Standard, etc... I found an article here by Dr. Dale A. Robbins who attempts to explain why so many translations are available if you are interested. I'll tell you now, I don't know any other works or studies by Dr. Robbins, so I am not giving this article my full endorsement.
I also recall many past teachers of the Word who are much more knowledgeable than myself have always said to have 'faith like a child' in what the Word says. Well, logically I guess this makes sense at a very glossary level, but that doesn't help me understand why there are so many versions that all tend to 'fit' a certain denomination. So which one is the 'right' one? Why has God allowed so many various permutations if He wanted to get His one true message across? What makes NIV better that NASB, or vice-versa? Seems to me, He could have made it easier for us if He wanted to get His universal message across to all. But then again, I'm not the creator and I fail to see let alone understand the big picture of a God who lives outside of time and space and is all knowing.
So why am I bringing this all up? Well, I have had a lot of questions lately, especially those focusing on the end times. The thought of the great tribulation, the rapture, ever-lasting life, various judgements, the Antichrist has honestly scared the bejeezuz out of me. I know some Christians look forward to this time and can't wait. Well, personally, I can.....I think I'd rather die of natural causes or an accident than witness what is to come, let alone live it if I am not a part of the rapture.
Even Christians debate on what the 'rapture' really means. Some are pre-trib, others post-trib, some even state it's a metaphor...there won't be an 'actual' rapture as described in Revelations....and each have some solid arguments that confuse even the best and eager students. Heck, I am confused myself. I guess I consider myself a pre-trib person, meaning I believe that true believers will vanish in a twinkling of an eye just prior to the tribulation where the Antichrist will set up his power for conquest over the next seven years.
So I had some questions and asked someone who I believe truly loves the Lord and Christ and is a Christian to help me sort out all these issues in my head. I was really was losing sleep over it and worried...I can't help it...it's my nature and something I struggle with daily. I may even think at times that some of my mental issues comes from the fact I am worried about the afterlife and my presence within it.
His answers really surprised me and was not even close to what I was expecting or had ever really been taught before. So much so in fact, that I had a problem even digesting his own revelations and the questions got bigger than I really wanted to deal with....just the opposite effect of what I was seeking. I relayed my concerns to him about his interpretations and he simply told me two points:
1) Satan knows that I am seeking out the Lord, and the turmoils I go through is his attempt to place self-doubt within my head, to take my focus off of God, to harvest confusion and to make it so that my faith is always on shaky ground because Satan has already lost his war over me, but now just wants to make my life difficult where he can.
and the one I really am wrestling with now...
2) Satan is the author of confusion. Christ and being 'in the Spirit' is of peace. Christ makes clear all that truly seek and gives comfort, not confusion.
Uh, oh. So what does that say about me? I'm more confused than ever, and I'm hearing conflicting answers from peoples whose job it is to minister to people.
(to be continued.....)
At various times in my life I have always wondered why the Bible and the teachings of both the old testament and new testament are more straight forward. I suppose it depends on who you ask...but I think that most can agree that somewhere during their own personal struggles with faith and belief we have wondered exactly what a specific verse means.
Today, there are numerous versions of the bible, including but not limited to: NIV, King James, The Living Bible, New American Standard, etc... I found an article here by Dr. Dale A. Robbins who attempts to explain why so many translations are available if you are interested. I'll tell you now, I don't know any other works or studies by Dr. Robbins, so I am not giving this article my full endorsement.
I also recall many past teachers of the Word who are much more knowledgeable than myself have always said to have 'faith like a child' in what the Word says. Well, logically I guess this makes sense at a very glossary level, but that doesn't help me understand why there are so many versions that all tend to 'fit' a certain denomination. So which one is the 'right' one? Why has God allowed so many various permutations if He wanted to get His one true message across? What makes NIV better that NASB, or vice-versa? Seems to me, He could have made it easier for us if He wanted to get His universal message across to all. But then again, I'm not the creator and I fail to see let alone understand the big picture of a God who lives outside of time and space and is all knowing.
So why am I bringing this all up? Well, I have had a lot of questions lately, especially those focusing on the end times. The thought of the great tribulation, the rapture, ever-lasting life, various judgements, the Antichrist has honestly scared the bejeezuz out of me. I know some Christians look forward to this time and can't wait. Well, personally, I can.....I think I'd rather die of natural causes or an accident than witness what is to come, let alone live it if I am not a part of the rapture.
Even Christians debate on what the 'rapture' really means. Some are pre-trib, others post-trib, some even state it's a metaphor...there won't be an 'actual' rapture as described in Revelations....and each have some solid arguments that confuse even the best and eager students. Heck, I am confused myself. I guess I consider myself a pre-trib person, meaning I believe that true believers will vanish in a twinkling of an eye just prior to the tribulation where the Antichrist will set up his power for conquest over the next seven years.
So I had some questions and asked someone who I believe truly loves the Lord and Christ and is a Christian to help me sort out all these issues in my head. I was really was losing sleep over it and worried...I can't help it...it's my nature and something I struggle with daily. I may even think at times that some of my mental issues comes from the fact I am worried about the afterlife and my presence within it.
His answers really surprised me and was not even close to what I was expecting or had ever really been taught before. So much so in fact, that I had a problem even digesting his own revelations and the questions got bigger than I really wanted to deal with....just the opposite effect of what I was seeking. I relayed my concerns to him about his interpretations and he simply told me two points:
1) Satan knows that I am seeking out the Lord, and the turmoils I go through is his attempt to place self-doubt within my head, to take my focus off of God, to harvest confusion and to make it so that my faith is always on shaky ground because Satan has already lost his war over me, but now just wants to make my life difficult where he can.
and the one I really am wrestling with now...
2) Satan is the author of confusion. Christ and being 'in the Spirit' is of peace. Christ makes clear all that truly seek and gives comfort, not confusion.
Uh, oh. So what does that say about me? I'm more confused than ever, and I'm hearing conflicting answers from peoples whose job it is to minister to people.
(to be continued.....)
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