"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." (Romans 8: 26 - 27)
I humbled over the weekend. Not by any particular act per-se, but by studying Romans, chapter 8. Actually chapters 6 - 8 really spoke to me and put some things in perspective. I just hope I can retain this knowledge and recall these words the next time I have ill thoughts in regards to the state of my relationship with people, but my more importantly my wife.
So my last post....I never finished. Not sure that I will now, since a week has passed. In summation, my wife hurt my feelings and because I internalize and have a hard time putting my thoughts and emotions in order, I broke down and wept. My wife saw my despair but fails to recognize my side, or what I consider the 'root' of our problem. I take it all upon myself, as usual, and forget to turn it over to Christ. And if I do turn it over to Christ, I am guilty of taking it back almost immediately thereafter.
The Enemy taunts me with my failures and strikes where he knows it hurts worse....my emotions where I always question not only the strength of my faith, but quick to recognize the faults of others. And when that happens, sin wells up in my heart. I think corrupt thoughts, self-doubt, anger, selfishly and I act out.....My eyes drift elsewhere seeking momentary happiness in carnal ways not pleasing to the Lord, or to my spirit in the long-run. The pain hurts so much at times, I look for a quick fix....in the world. My prayers turn to mush to the point where I don't know what to do anymore and want to give up.
I turned to a brother in the church and explained whats going on. We spoke for nearly 45 minutes. He understood. He even went as far as to say he and his own wife had been praying for me as they 'felt' something was amiss in my life.
The ability to vent and unload on someone who does not judge, but just listens was good for me. Just by speaking my thoughts, I was able to determine some actions that needed to be taken.
I decided to take my wife out on a long over-due date. It was nice. We had dinner and a movie. I prayed in my head numerous times, and with the thought of others praying for me as well, helped strengthen my own will within.
My wife and I have done 'okay' this week. We spent the day shopping together. Spent Friday night in and watched TV together. We walked the dog together. I was 'okay' with the fact she wanted to go and play cards with some girlfriends and so I was prepared she's be home late, and I was 'okay' with that too. She then took me to dinner on Sunday, and it was nice.
This morning I even had an intimate dream about her, something I hadn't had in ages.
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