Ugh....

I really am at a loss of structured thought today on how to approach this post. I've been meaning to post the last few days, but I think there's been a part of me that has been avoiding it as well. I'm not even positive why I am doing it now, other than the fact its been weighing on my mind the last few days and hasn't been healthy keeping it bottled in.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and by far, it had to be one of the worst birthdays I have ever experienced...to the fact I hope I soon forget about it altogther. So then why write about it? Good question. Maybe so I can help think it out....digest it....get it off my chest....move on...discover something I hadn't considered before? Not sure.

I guess the precursor was the fact that my grandfather wished me happy birthday on the wrong day. In his defense, he is 90 years old, but for the most part has all his faculties, so I was little bummed when he called me up on the wrong day.

My step-daughter never called nor sent a card either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's par for the course.

I also have three close friends who call me every year. This year, one called.

So far nothing to earth shattering, but the day was still early.

Instead of having a nice dinner with my wife and parents, maybe a slice of cake....a series of unscripted and ludicrous pride issues between my mother and my wife erupted in a small scale skirmish of raised voices, tears, and hurtful words from both sides.

All I could do was sit and watch from the middle knowing no matter what side I took, the other side would be hurt and angry. There are very few instances I can ever recall where I find myself in the middle with literally no way out, and I'm not sure how I ever got there in the first place.

Such was my birthday.

I awoke...went to church by myself and enjoyed a brief hour of worship. When I arrived back home, my wife had just gotten up and soon the phone began to ring. I won't go into the details, but lets just leave it at the fact that both my mother and my wife, with decent intentions of their own are both very, very stubborn people and don't like to flinch. It's been this way since day one, very much like like that sitcom with Raymond, though theres no comedic slant here. On more than one occassion, they have both made me feel very uncomfortable, and even my wife throws in the occasional dig "Act you age and stand up." This comment always depresses me. There are times I stand up, more often that I like to. I take control of a lot of situations and am depended on doing things and making decisions for things that I don't feel I need to...but somebody has to. Thats a whole other post in and of itself.

Long story short...my wife and mother got into an epic argument on the phone....on my birthday. If I could have ran away right then and there un-noticed I would have. I wanted to put my head down, close my eyes, and wish this day was over. I wanted to drink (I did sneak some bourbon later).

For a while I was utterly speechless and in awe. Seriously. I was hearing what was going on and I just couldn't fathom this was actually happening.

I broke down.

Here I was, on my birthday, feeling more alone than I had in a long, long time. I cried. I couldn't even open my present from my wife. I just stared at the unopened gift and after witnessing what just transpired, felt absolutely ashamed to open it. Not ashamed because of something I did, but in the spirit of what I just witnessed and was feeling in general, I looked at the gift as given to me out of a feeling of obligation moreso than it was of love for me. As if my wife realized she didn't have anything for me, went to the store when I was at church, and bought it literally at the last moment.

I kept looking at the box more, and then I began to hear my wife say in my head "Grow up" over and over again...and it was said with such conviction and venom, I couldn't enjoy the present.

I let it sit for hours...unopened.

There was no birthday dinner that night. There was no cake. No ice cream. No outing.

I made myself a cold cut sandwich for dinner and went to bed.

What a crappy...crappy....crappy day.