Things are looking up?

I realize it been almost a month since my last post, and my last entry was indicating I was go to the therapists office to make sense of the verbal altercation my wife was having with from the previous weekend.

Pride is a very difficult thing. We all have it to one degree or another, and sometimes personal pride can get in the way of many a great thing, especially relationships. I don't mean this to be a wife bashing session (as you'll hopefully figure out in the coming paragraphs), but I have come to the realization my wife has a great amount of personal pride.

Not that pride is bad in and of itself, it's how it's applied in everyday situations. So for all you guys and gals, married or unmarried, or whatever you relationship status is....swallow your pride. Pride can be just as damaging as jealousy and bittereness and other negative emotions.

I've said this before...my spouse does not have 'sorry' in her vocabulary. She makes ammends in other ways and sometimes its difficult for me to recognize right away.

Long story short, Tuesday we did have a session with our counselor and when it was all said and done and we laid out both sides of the events that transpired, the female counselor told my wife that she was wrong. It was not a 'Nyah, Nyah, Nyah' moment for me. I had no desire to rub it in her face, but for me, it helped me unload some of the weight I carry on my own shoulders and midn in wondering "Am I really this screwed up? Do I really not get life? Have I been raised by a warped moral and ethical code that doesn't really exist?"

The other strange thing that I will never understand is once my wife heard that I in fact did the right thing and that perhaps she was actually out of line during the course of prior events, she seemed to understand the issue. How come when I point out stuff it's dismissed, but if someone else points out the EXACT same thing, then it is taken seriously and digested and thought about by her?

Anyway, that was close to a month ago, and I'm happy to report that things between us have improved. I feel as if my wife really is indeed trying to make an effort in some thinsg now. No nothing is perfect, including me, and I'm still on my medication, but I've been more at peace these last two weeks than I have in months. We are getting along well, doing things together and still being able to find the tiem to do our own things. I do feel a bit more empowered as of late as well and maybe not as spineless as before when it comes to my wife. Maybe my wife has gained an incling of more respect for me because of this too. I'm more firm in my answers...not mean...and I'm not getting suckered into certain badegerings. I just walk away and talk calmly and tell her when she wants to talk civily....we'll talk, and if she even begins to raise her voice, I just stop and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sure, I think this agitates her to no end, and I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but I'm saving myself from getting worked up, sleepless, having to rely on pills to lower my blood pressure or pain in my chest. I think she's getting the hint now and realizes I'm not as eaily goaded as before. And it does help when a professional tell her that her antics at times are just as unhealthy as mine.

But in all seriousness, we are getting along good. We actually hosted a party at our house last weekend which was fun for the both of us. We also recently went to the county fair, and tonight we are going to a concert...tickets that she bought for me, no less.

So let's hope this is a beginning of a new standard in turning our relationship around. I don't want to jinx it at all, but the last few weeks has been quite an improvement for us.

A slip in medication makes for frustration

It's been a long weekend of sorts.

Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.

And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.

It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.

We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.

Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.

Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.

A Little Cranky

I'm kinda glad I'm back to work this week, and it will be a short week at well since our company is shutting down Friday for the Holiday.

I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.

So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.

I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..

I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.

My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.

Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.

Speechless?

No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.

My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.

Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.

There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.

To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).

My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.

We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.

We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.

Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.

My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.

The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.

3+ weeks of Lexapro

Thank you Jamie for the last comments you left here and apologies for not updating sooner.

Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.

I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.

The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.

I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.

While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.

Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.

On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.

Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.

But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.

Taking the edge off

Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.

Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.

I've noticed two side effects so far:

1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.

2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.

I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.

Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.

She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.

All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.

A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon

As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.

My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.

What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.

The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.

As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.

This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.

Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.

My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.

I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.

She eventually hung up on me in tears.

Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.

I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.

Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.

I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.

As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.

Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".

I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.

I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...

To be continued....

A Series of Events (Part I) - Prologue

This past weekend was met with mixed results for yours truly. There were some very happy moments, and there were also a few unpleasant ones as well.

Sunday specifically led the charge of both extreme personal highs and emotional lows in which I am still trying to digest and wrap my brain around in conjunctuion with Christ's words on peace, grace, and calming my inner spirit.

Let me first start by saying that after almost two weeks of various allergy medications that have messed with me in more ways than one, my rash or 'hives' finally seem to be under control. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here before, but back in 2006 I developed a very serious skin rash. Something I never had never experienced before and it scared me as well as being very miserable on both a physical and emotional level.

We were on vacation when my body began to swell up. My skin developed 'hives' of such an intense nature my skin felt as if it were on fire....literally radiating heat to the touch and causing extreme discomfort with the persistant 'itchiness' of it all. Since we were on vacation at the time, my local doctor was nowhere to be had. I ended up going to an emergency room in a far off city to have injections of ephedrine and cortisone and placed on a knee-jerk perscription of anti-inflammatories, anti-histimines, and anti-itch meds. They had a very limited effect at the time and I suffered for the next few days until I could return home and see my regular doctor, who in turn recommended me to a dermatologist.

The dermatologist took two skin biopsies from my leg and blood samples and sent them off for testing. While my hives did not get any worse, I was not really improving either. And to be quite honest, I sorta looked like a walking freakshow. You wouldn't believe the stares I was getting, and the swelling did temproarily disfigure my face. My forehead and bridge of my nose was so bad, it looked as if my eyes shifted an additional inch away from each other.

My blood work came back as did the biopsy reports a few days later, and both can back negative. I suppose that's the good news....no wierd tropical disease or cancer or virus. However, the bad news was that no one had an explanation as to what brought it on or even had a guess to what I may have had. I have never in my life had that before and we all sat around scratching our heads as to what may have been the trigger.

That was May of 2006. It is now June 2008 and I can tell you I have had the incident repeat itself a total of 5-6 additional times. I have since seen an allergist and have had my blood tested again and a full work up of allergy tests (skin scrapes). My blood still tests negative (normal), and allergy tests have only confirmed what I already knew....a few certain foods, some grasses, weeds, molds, etc. that most people are allergic to anyway and didn't seem to be a trigger for it.

Fortunately it has never been as bad as the initial time and I have learned how to detect the onset (feelings) at its earliest stages so I can attempt a premeditated strike of medications. I can't stop it, but I have learned how to lessen its impact and try to become as comfortable as I can under the circumstances.

The various doctors I have been seeing 'think' they may now know what I have: Chronic Uticaria. I say 'think' because they are not 100% positive, bit nothing else fits the symptoms right now. The bad news is there really is no effective cure, nor does science know exactly what causes it. So it appears that I developed a condition out of nowhere in May 2006 and will be subject to it the remainder of my natural life...with tons of pills in plastic containers ready to take at a moments notice. God forbid I get another illness and have to combine even more drugs.

The symptoms today: swollen hands and some facial swelling, itchiness of the scalp and hands, some discomfort in normal breathing, and probably the most visible cue - red 'splotches' on my head, neck, arms, thighs, sides of body and can include my hands and feet, and at times, radiate heat.

Here are a few things I have to do: stay cool and out of direct sun for long periods of time. No extreme physical exertion (no gym, no intense labor, avoid projects that I have to use my hands alot), watch my stress levels and blood pressure, try an avoid scratching as best I can when I itch. Take cool showers. Take anti-histamines. Take anti-inflamatories. Take steroids.

So you're probably wondering why I am going into all this detail now. Well, I suppose I'm just giving you some background information on me to help set up my next few posts about this weekend.

To be continued....

A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)

I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.

I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.

I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.

Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.

He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.

He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.

And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.

He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)

Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.

We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.

Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.

To be continued....

A new round of tests and counseling (Part I)

With my hives out of control (I'm now convinced that they are indeed related to my ungodly stress level) I left work early to see my doctor. Surprisingly I weighed in a bit less than I thought I was going to...a diet consisting of worry and heartache can do wonders for the waistline.

I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.

The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.

Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.

"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."

It just hung out there for a minute.

"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."

"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.

"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."

I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.

"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."

He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.

I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.

It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.

I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.

I'm off to meet him....

to be continued.....

A new low

I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.

First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.

When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.

Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.

Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.

My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.

This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.

My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?

I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.

Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.

Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.

Admission of a stranger

It's been a few weeks since my last post, and even I can't recall where I may have been going with the last post.

As I was telling someone else recently in some email correspondance, I have had both good days and bad days as of late. Thankfully, there have been more good days than bad, and only once did I seriously consider going back on the Lexapro to get me through a rough patch.

The last two weekends I haven't been feeling 100%. I've been a bit more tired, both physcially and mentally. I've also felt a little sore, and to be honest, wasn't really into doing anything...even church. So I skipped the last two Sunday's, and I'm not even sure why.

I listened with great interest to a talk radio show the other day in which one of the shows engineers had discussed his dealing with depression and his current regime of Lexapro. I was happy he was so open with it and defending his choice, while his friends thought he was 'just popping pills', and that this depression was 'all in his head'. Well, duh, it is!!

They couldn't understand why this man was on pills, but all did comment that he was overly cheery now, and maybe its a false effect to who he really is. That may be, but unless you know yourself and the emotional pain and guesswork depressed people go through, there really is no way they can explain and have others understand. Heck, I don't even understand myself.

You see, years ago I was one of those doubters; one of those guys on the outside that didn't understand why depressed people were 'depressed'. Why did they need to take pills? To me, it was just an excuse, running away from the real issues, hiding behind the convienence of a perscription. I thought if people were depressed than a few things were wrong (and it wasn't the brain): it was they were not surrounding themselves with loving and supportive people. It was they had no faith in God. That they were seeking attention, crying wolf, etc.

Then the tables were turned and I fell into the pit, and now I realize how wrong I was.

My family loves me, more than I can ever describe....but their words did not help me. My mother shook her head at me on more than one occasion stating the pills were an easy way out. You see, she stills thinks like I did. My father was a little more understanding. Admittedly, he doesn't know much about depression, but he knew something 'deeper' was wrong, and offered his company to me when I was sitting home alone staring at the floor. We didn't speak much during those times, but I know he was scared enough that he didn't want his only son to do something 'crazy'. Even though he may never tell me, I have a sense that he believed I was close to the edge and I may do something stupid. Most likely not, but I won't lie and say the thoughts never crossed my mind.

Anyway, back to the radio show.... I was amazed on how many of these friends of the 'engineer' knew he was depressed, and offered no real help at the time. Now they see him as a happier person, but at the same time criticized him for taking pills in the first place (as if he couldn't help himself), and aloc commented that he's not himself. Wow! He's not himself? Well of course not...he's now happier and cheery and out from under the dark cloud that he was under 24x7. Did they not like change? Would they rather have the old friend back, full of doom and gloom, and crabbiness? Apparantly. And that to me, is scary.

I wonder how many of my friends and family feel that way about me? That's why I don't really let on to my issues with my friends. Only my wife and my parents and you blog readers know about my meds. I am not 100% honest even with my best friends....for fear on how they will react or look at me.

2008 already starting in question (Part I)

Hello everyone. I hope that everyone that stops by here has enjoyed their holiday season. Overall, I think I did, though I will admit along with many 'highs', there were a few 'lows' as well...mostly when I was alone with my thoughts.

There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.

My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.

I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.

Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.

How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.

Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.

Depression - Meds, the first 2 weeks (part 9)

The morning I started my medication was very personal to me. I woke early, as I always do, while looking forward to go to work and getting out of the house, not looking forward to certain people I had to work with.

The thought of putting on a 'happy' face all the while concealing my contempt and utter lack of respect for some people was harder than it seems. While I thought I was doing a good job at it, apparently I wasn't fooling too many people. As much as I thought I had my anger and emotions under control, I would learn later people had noticed a difference in me.

My patience, something I had very little of to begin with, had even smaller margins now. I never really noticed how much I was gritting my teeth or rolling my eyes when people were talking to me.

I looked in the mirror of our vanity and saw the tired eyes looking back at me. I also noticed that I had a lot more gray hair than I once remembered. Was I actually aging myself, taking years off my life from the foul and putrid moods I was now in? Would I be prematurely gray from genetics, or did the the world do this to me? Did I do this to me?

I opened the first bottle. Lexapro. The Clonapen would wait until later, but I would make sure I stuck one in my pocket, just in case....you know...for an emergency. I wanted to do this quietly. I did not want my wife to see this...partly pride...partly because I didn't want to hear any comments or have her reminded that her husband sunk this far.

The doctors told me I wouldn't feel anything right away. They said it would take at least two weeks for my body to adjust and accept the drugs in my body and have my brain chemicals altered. Funny, you never really have these same thought when you drink a few beers. Alcohol changes the brain chemistry, but usually within minutes of consumption. Here, now that I want my chemistry to change, now I have to wait two weeks. People wonder why people turn to alcohol. It's simple.....People want to escape their reality and pain as quickly as possible, not wait two weeks or longer. I know...alcohol was my 'friend'....my own medication that I could prescribe as much as I wanted and when.

There were times even the slightest feeling of anxiety, perhaps just a simple heart flutter, would send me to the cupboards for a tumbler to add a few ice cubes and watch the amber liquid of Jack Daniels splash across the glass.

I swallowed the pill and continued to get ready for work. I dressed and said goodbye to my wife who was still laying in bed. On my wait out our bedroom door she told me "Did you take your pills?"

My God...I wish I could have seen my face at that moment. There it was....that question just dangling out there in space....waiting for an answer. I wanted to reply "Yes, you're crazy husband who cannot seem to get his act together...the guy who is educated and knows better....the guy who was big and strong and in control and fixed and paid for everything who is now an utter mess, who cannot concentrate, who hates people, who hates life, who doesn't know up from down right now and wants to run away and ask God for a 'do-over', who feels like he wants to punch everyone in sight, who likes the taste of whisky.....took his good for nothing pill that isn't even going to do anything for two weeks if he's lucky."

Instead I muttered a soft spoken "yes" just to get it over with and walked out without looking back.

So here I start my new regime... a pill every morning...a physical reminder that stares me in the face to let me know I failed somewhere along the line.

To be continued.....

A step back

"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you." (Galations 4: 8 -11)

It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.

It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.

There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.

And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?

The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.

My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.

Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.

I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.

We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.

Depression - Filling the Meds (Part 8)

Note: This post is looong overdue. It is a continuation of of a series of posts I want to share with you all in hopes that I not only help myself, but help someone else out there as well who may be going through the same things I did and occasionally still do. I'm not sure if depression in curable. Sometimes I equate it in my mind with cancer....as if it is always there just under the surface...perhaps currently in remission by both medication and God's grace, but the knowledge it may rear its ugly head again scares me.

So here I was standing at the pharmacy counter of my local CVS. Just the day before I had seen a 'shrink' and came home to my wife and explained to her that in not so many words that he would like to put me on Lexapro and Clonapen. There was still a portion of me that was in denial and disbelief. Again, when I look in the mirror, I see a pretty well fit and athletic guy....a guy who used to have a lot of friends and was considered the 'life' of the party. A decent looking guy that before he was married had no problem dating. But here I was...feeling alone, and tense, and unhappy, and nervous, and most of all ashamed of myself.

Ashamed of what, I cannot fully describe or put into exact words. Here I was, again, with a slip of paper with some scribble on it....a tangible reminder staring back at me and telling me I was a failure. I hated being married right then and there. I loathed trudging back into work and dealing with people I believed to be a hinderance and a contsant annoyance to me. I was empty spiritually, though deep down there was a gnawing at my heart...perhaps I was hungry a relationship with Him and just didn't know it yet. Heck...I was going going to church...but more out of obligation and guilt than I was getting fed....but at the time I didn't really care. While I though the notion of God abandoning me was 'not right', I did feel I was on perpetual 'hold' with Him.

When the young pharmacist took my slip and acknowledged me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was looking at me with judging eyes. Perhaps she too thought I was a loser, and she'd treat me with kid gloves. I had a hard time making eye-contact with her as I felt I just wanted to get out of there. Finally she took my information and told me to come back later, after work, for my pick-up. Great, just great....now I have to think about this all day, and return in a walk of shame to come and pick up my 'happy pills'.

Work that day just seemed like any typical day....going through the motions....checking the clock every so often. Why are people so stupid, I thought. Here I sit putting on a happy face, while deep down inside I wanted zero interaction with anyone.

All this time I thought I was doing a decent job of hiding my moods, but apprantly I wasn't fooling anybody except myself. In time I would learn that many of my coworkers, while they still liked me....did indeed think I had changed...that I looked more weary and tired.

That evening I picked up by vials of pills and came home. Thankfully my wife wasn't home, and I took my first Lexapro in silence. I knew nothing was going to happen right away. I am smart enough to know it was going to take a few days for my body to regulate and start adjusting to the synthetic chemicals in my body and trick my brain into who-knows-what.

I tried to hide the bottles that night. I didn't want my wife to see these obvious orange containers as a reminder that her husband who is strong on the outside is weak in the inside, ready to crack at a moments notice. Little good it did me as for when she got home that evening, the first thing she quizzed me on is if I picked up my 'medicine'. Oh, is that what we are calling it? My 'medicine'? Heck, I don't know what I wanted it called....I basically didn't want to talk about it at all. It would be my little secret, not to be shared with family, friends, church, co-workers, neighbors....anyone. Just my wife and my shrink.

To be continued.....

Sitting In Neutral...and a special note.

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in the mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was." - James 1:19-24 NASB

I wish I could say that I did not let the sun go down on my anger yesterday. I really tried. It could have been worse I suppose, but needless to say the enemy was able to needle me in the stillness of the night and therefor I was restless...my thoughts drifting to scenarios that were clearly not of God. But at that moment in time, the mind can become one's own worst enemy, and my thoughts began to betray my own nature and I found myself concocting future arguments with my wife that will probably never happen.

It got so bad at one point, I was picturing a horrible anniversary that is still months away. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered about divorce, but also knew that was the 'easy', 'worldly' way out of a tough spot.

But why, oh why does it have to be so tough? Cannot my wife see the frustrations on my face, the burdens on my shoulder, the pain in my heart? Are we really that un-evenly yoked? I pray for us. I pray for me...to ask God for peace and maturity and to take control of the situation. I pray for her, that she would come to desire the Lord like I do, to recognize the folly of some of her ways. I pray for us...to return to the love we once shared before we got married.

My feelings were very hurt yesterday. As indicated, my wife went out for her social Monday as usual, but last night she came much later than she has before. I came home to an empty house yesterday at 5:30pm, and put myself to bed at 10pm. My wife came home at 10:30pm and we did not exchange ANY words. She showered and went to bed.

I was upset, but feared if I opened my mouth to say anything....what would it have gotten me? Another long argument? I'd probably say some things I would later regret. And I'm not positive I want to hear anything out of her mouth. Why do I feel so disrespected and ignored in my own house? The house that I pay for?

Yes, she had some drinks last night, and shortly after her head hit the pillow she was sound asleep. This made me even more upset. Here, I sit home alone not knowing when she is coming home, and when she finally does, she falls asleep without any words between us.

I stared at the ceiling until after midnight, seething. I prayed for peace, for comfort, for connection....it was not found.

I took my pillows and made my bed on the couch. The dog slept next to me. And I'll admit, I could feel so much tension inside my body I took a Clonapen to try and relax. I haven't taken one in months, but I felt I needed something to put me off to slumber land lest I really be miserable today.

I got up this morning and went to work. I did manage to say goodbye to her, but I think she was still asleep.

It takes me 25 minutes to get to work, and those 25 minutes are filled with all the events replaying in my head over and over. I don't know what to do, or what to say.

Then I received a comment from a reader who did not know the events that transpired last night and said he found strength in my blog, for he felt similar things in regards to depression and loneliness and not knowing what the point is of everything. That made me fell good, that is that he felt strength in reading my blog. Believe me, my life seems to be a constant struggle and often I too wonder 'whats the point', for my life has been full of heartache, frustration, and disappointment these last few years. There was a point where I didn't care either...that is, I didn't care if I woke up or not the next morning.

So why do I plug on? Because I know there is a God...if nothing else, He loves me. Sure I may have my moments I wish to forget, but they are replaced by moments of pure peace...I just wish they came more often. I often see God's grace and unconditional love through my dog. Staring into the eyes of my puppy gives me a certain peace that people cannot seem to provide.

People are wicked...including myself...for the Bible declares this to be true. We are born into sin, all of us, and all of us reside in a sinful state. I'm not so sure about animals. The joy and comfort and security they give us.....my dog gives me a reason to continue as funny as that sounds. It was through my dog that I rediscovered the God I knew that was always there, but had forgotten about. My dog let me know that there was more to life than the silly antics of humans and our complex relationships full of ego and deception.

I believe God allowed me to have a dog in my life to help ground me because I was so volatile and confused.

I'm going to stop here for now because I think I'm losing focus and need to recollect organize my thoughts.

A tinge of Anger

I've been a little grouchy the past few days, and while I am aware of it, and have prayed about it, I slipped yesterday and snapped at my step-daughter and swore as well.

It would just be an excuse if I said it was because I was tired or a little under the weather lately, (both are true actually), but I have felt extremely sensative the last few days and have taken personal note that my fuse has been a little shorter than unsual as of late.

I've been taking a little cocktail of prescribed drugs lately for a rash of hives I have been exhibiting lately with no known cause. Yup, I have had an allergist administer a scratch test, and I have had blood drawn, and both came back as 'normal'. That's part of my personal frustration is that I know, as well as the doctor, that these hives are 'not' normal, but we cannot seem to pinpoint the root cause. In the meantime, in order to get them under control I take various anti-histamines, and anti-inflammatory meds as well as some steroids. Long story short.....they make me tired, I don't sleep very well, the hives don't go away very quickly, and we don't know what causes them.

Mix in the fact I have allowed both my wife and step daughter get under my skin as of late because fo my own mood, and I constantly find myself slowly counting to 10 in my head lest I blow up. I sometimes wonder if this is natural, or because I am so sensative to the fact that I'm a 'hot head' as a carry over from the chemical imbalance thats spurs my depressive episodes.

I know one thing.... I didn't want to go to church at all yesterday. I just wanted to stay in bed or perhaps enjoy a cup of coffee in my self imposed solitude, but my spirit got the best of me and I went anyway....more so out of guilt. But I am so glad I did.

There was a guest speaker there who illustrated the 'Bema' judgement in such a way that it brought me to tears. That's why I sit in the back of the church. I get so emotional at times, I get embarrassed and my own pride doesn't want to show others how easily I can cry.

I often wonder about that too. Why I am so easy to come to tears? I'm a big guy. In the past, people have often called me a leader, someone with intelligence (notice I emphasize 'past'). Now I cry and I don't want people to see I am losing it.

My tears were a double sword yesterday. They were tears of joy knowing what Heaven and Christ will bring someday, but at the same time, I had tears of guilt....of what a sinner I have been and still am....that only by God's grace will I be allowed into heaven, not on my own volition.

I admit, I still remain puzzled and in awe that Christ promises that whoever believe in Him and call him Lord will have entrance into heaven. I keep wondering "What's the catch", because that almost seems too easy. I cannot easily imagine that I will be welcomed, or anyone for that matter short of Mother Theresa. And even more so, there will be no more tears as He will wipe them away, and if there are any tears at all, they will be tears of joy, not sadness.

I have a hard time contemplating that. As someone who know his own sadness, lonliness, bitterness and depression, I have a hard time imagining a place where these terms are actually foriegn.

Anyway, yesterday we were all a bit moody. Maybe at varying degrees at varying times, but my step-daughter made an 'off the cuff remark' to me in which my already short use was suddenly lit and could not be extinguished. I lashed out the best way I do.....fast, explosive, and with a swear word. As soon as my own remarks left my mouth, I was instantly ashamed that I allowed that to happen. Even though my wife took my side and told her daughter to mind herself, that surely didn't excuse my own behavior.

It's been plaguing me all day today as well. I've probably prayed a handful of times since yesterday to excuse my actions, but I don't really feel absolved. I am sorry, but I think it's my own feeling of being ashamed that I cannot let go of.

CNN had this article today about Antidepressants are the most prescrived drugs in the U.S.

The CDC study suggests at 2.4 billion drugs were prescribed to doctors and hospitals in 2005, and of those 2.4 billion, 118 million were for antidepressants. That's more than drugs prescribed to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma and headaches.

The study also seems to indicated that 25% of adults will have a major depressive episode in their lives, as will 8% of adolescents.

So many thoughts come to my mind when I read the article: Is it a sign of the times? Are people, seriously more depressed today than 20, 50, 100+ years ago? If, so, why? Is it because Americans are being conditioned that drugs are the answer for even the simpleset mood maladies and looking for an easy way out? Or, is it because this world mired in its corruption and ignorance and shunning of God the reason? Is it possible with more and more people neglecting their spirituality an their eternal souls, that they are sucumbing to Satan's seeds of hoplessness and thus creating a society of listless, depressed people?

Yeah, that may sound a bit crazy, but I personally think there is some truth to my logic. I know when I am depressed, the first thing I did was forget about God. I tried to control things. Instead of asking for God to intercede and take on my burdens, I tried gaining back control, and failed. This led to even more mounting frustrations.

These frustrations and hurt then drove me to drink, and have heart hardening thoughts. For others, they may look to recreational drugs, or a wanton attitude towards other things including family, careers, friends, etc.

I truly believe that Satan will do what ever he can to take our focus of God and His promises, and I'll be the first to tell you, he often gets me. The problem is, in the 'moment' I really have to be conscious of Christ otherwise I fall faster than a lead brick.

Are we 'depressed' as a culture because we are looking for a easy way to get by instead of taking responsibility for our actions and those that are directed towards us from the world? Are we depressed because we have yet to truly 'commit' to the Lord even though we say we did, and therefor the Holy Spirit is not indwelled within us? Have we foresaken the gifts of God that He gives to us for free? Or is there really a tangible and growing influx of chemical imbalance in our heads?

If it is indeed the chemical imbalance, what causes it moreso today than before? Is it only because we can measure it better today, because we understand our brain and science better, or is the world really becomming much more agressive, crowded, and unforgiving?

I think it's all this and more.

The last week had been a struggle again for me. I have faltered a few blatant times as a Christian, often realizing only after its too late, and thus can only ask for forgiveness instead of asking God to remove me from temptations. I am off the drugs right now....Lexapro was my friend. But I'm not suggesting if you are depressed to get off them because God is the answer.

A pastor once told me that God gave intelligence to doctors for a reason....to create drugs that will help mankind. And it is quite possible that Prozac, Lexapro and the like are God's blessing to those who truly do suffer, but like all things, they can be abused. Remember, the scientists who created these drugs were given a gift from God on how to better understand the brain, its emotional states, what goes wrong, and possibly a way to alleviate some issues, ergo, the creation of these meds.

Anyway, not really sure where I am going with this, but check out the article.

Depression - Coming to Terms (Part 7)

A continuation of my recognition of Depression.

When I came home that evening from the 'doctor', I had a few pieces of paper folded up neatly in my pocket. The whole drive home seemed to take just a little longer as I had turned off the radio just to hear myself think and run the whole previous meeting in my head numerous times over.

I don't know how many times I disected certain key words: ADHD, Bipolar, medication, Lexapro, Clonzapem, control. Wait, only crazy people are associated with these things right? Was someone who only just met me go on to tell me I have a screw loose?

I pulled into my garage and turned off my engine. I sat in my car a few moments taking deep breaths. I have to collect myself before I walk in the door and my wife asks me the inevitable: "So, what did they say?" And even more imporantly, how was I going to answer?

I decided rather quickly to be honest and quick, maybe play it off a bit as 'that was what I was expecting' and shrug my shoulder as to indicate the guy was a quack.

I walked in the door and straight to the fridge. I wanted an ice tea. Of course my wife was home watching the television , and there was an awkaward momement. Maybe there wasn't as far as she was concerned, but I felt it....at least in my own mind. When she looked at me, I knew the question was comming, and it seemed as if 100 answers filled my head and I could pick anyone of them. Now that I think about it, I was already on the defensive, self-protection mode before anything was even asked.

And then it came....'The' question that is.

I Placed my glas down on the kitchen table and looked at her. She did not get up from the sofa. I was very scared and fearful of her reaction. It could be anything from sarcastic, to non-caring, to pity. Everything negative that is. I did not exepct any support from her or an understanding of 'my' feelings. I mean, this was all in 'my head', not hears, right?

But I was honest. I explained in brief detail on what the doctor told me, and his suggestions that I be put on medication. I am really not sure what I was really expecting as a response from her, so no matter what she did or said I guess would have been a surprise to me.

"Well, I guess you better go get them filled then.", she said.

Part of me was instantly hurt. I thought I just bared my soul to some quack, and now I come home to my wife for some empathy, and all I got was a very non-chalant "Well, I guess you better go get them filled then."

"Okay", was all I could muster, and I wnet back to doing nothing and she went back to the TV. I'm not sure what either of our strategy was at this time....Maybe hers was to not talk about it because she knew I was already embarrassed and ashamed, maybe she knew not to rub salt on an open wound, maybe she thought she could just roll with it and we just won't talk about 'my crazy husband'. I'm sure my thoughts weren't that much different.

I do know that I became super sensitive to all the 'Prozac', or 'depression' related commercials on TV. It seemed that when they came on I was to frozen to say anything, lest I bring up my own situation, or somehow relate it back to me.

Even today, when television shows even *hint* that a character has an 'issue', I seem to tense up, even more so with my wife in the room. I am awaiting her to ask me I suppose "So, are you feeling depressed today? Do you want to hurt yourself?" I guess I am scared of her to ask me, because I still don't know if I can ever answer truthfully.

To be continued.....