And now for something completely different....

Joel Osteen

I don't know why, but Monty Python just entered my head when thinking about a title for this post.

I love British humor.  I actually love any type of dry, quick wit.  To me it's a sign of intelligence.  The ability to make a dead pan comment or see the insane side of a sane world without resorting to lowbrow words or situations is a sign of intelligence to me.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned Joel Osteen Ministries before or not.  I came across him for the first time a month or so back when I missed my regular church service and felt the desire (notice I didn't say need) to watch a Sunday morning TV sermon.  Anyway, I stumbled across him and with a skeptics ear I listened.  I say 'skeptics ear' because I'm a little worried about some televangelists...and there's plenty of reason to be such, but I actually liked what he said. 

And by my limited knowledge of the Words, Joel's message's easily pass my personal litmus test on being biblically sound.

Today is Tuesday.  That is six days ago I received the inflammatory letter from my wife's attorney, and you can guess by now I have allowed it to affect me at a very deep level.  Thank goodness my ex can't see me because there's no reason I'd like to give her to know that she was able to get into my head so good and derail me for so many days.

But then today (albeit 6 days later) I felt the need inside me to listen to a Joel Osteen sermon online.  I've never been to his website before.  Today was the first time.  I signed in and went to his podcast section and chose sermon #515 - "The Power of Letting Go" (which happened to be recorded May 27, 2012, just a few weeks back).

WOW!!

The message was designed for me to hear today.  Maybe God wanted me to think about things the last 6 days before I was ready to accept something.  That something was the "idea of 'Letting Go'".  Joel makes a a great point towards the end of this 30 minute sermon.
    

"Why do we place a question mark, where God has put a period?"

Meaning, whether we understand things or not, we should tune in more acutely and listen to God's answer, and accept it for what the final result is.  Instead, we sit and try to figure things out and wedge it conveniently into our own parameters so that we can understand things.  Joel goes on to say that "we don't know all the answer, and nor do we need to."  We need to create a new file drawer in our head...one that is labeled "I don't know why".  That one is missing because we always try to create an answer for everything and justify things at the moment so that we can process it for ourselves and thus move on.

But sometimes things just don't compute.

And so we stew, and we think, and we analyze, and we play the tape in our heads over and over and over again....looking for that one clue....that one piece of information....that one hint....that we can say "Aha!!....That's why that happened."

But are we ever really satisfied with that answer...or non-answer?  I know I generally am not, and thus begins the cycle of driving myself insane, and spiraling into depression, anger, frustration, and everything else negative that I tend to blog about.

When God just put a period on that chapter.

And then we turn the page, and a new chapter is about to begin.

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, maybe even more so.  For whatever reason, I was created to over think things to death.  Even though I don't like to shoehorn myself into the stigma of being a pessimist, I do indeed tend to look at the glass as 'half empty'.

And who am I to question the Creator who knows everything where I no just a fraction of nothing?

I need to learn to "Let Go."  All this thinking and worrying and making up answers in my head, is just what I alluded to yesterday...it all amounts to nothing, because I don't know the final answer nor do I have all the information.  And maybe God just wants me to accept His period on it, move on, and not try to put my question mark at the end.  The more I question things looking for an answer, the longer I wait before I can turn the page and start a new chapter, the chapter He is going to write for me.

It's me about getting over that mental hurdle and convincing myself I will be okay.  You know that.  My friends know that.  My family knows that.  God knows that.  I just need to accept it and own it myself.  That's the trick.

Once I have done that, I can move on.

Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.

Ugh..copies from the county clerk

It's one thing to have your lawyer tell you that he will file on dissolution of marriage on your behalf.

It's another thing all together when you get an email with copies of the actual filing rubber stamped by the county clerk and in .PDF format.

No turning back.

What an icky feeling.

Hate it.

Nervously calm

I have a strange feeling ovr my body today.

Although I am calm, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety in my chest today. The events of the last few days have made me so tired, that I finally couldn't stay awake any longer last night and hit the sheets at 9:30pm.

Barring from getting up once to use the restroom in the middle of the night, I more or less slept until 6:30am today.

My wife texted me numerous times yesterday, pleading for me to call her. After a few ignores, I responded to a text "You crushed me." in reference to the alleged affair. She called me, and I ignored the call. Her texts then turned somewhat ugly, and then finally admitted she did indeed go to a city back in January and lied to me and her daughter, but she denies meeting anyone there or having an affair.

I really don't believe for one second she drove 4 hours by herself, and then stayed by herself for 2 days. Remember, she was unemeployed at the time (and still is). She asked friends to cover for her. If she has nothing to hide, then why go through all this trouble.

She then texted she went to see a therapist. Awesome. so you go one time after kicking and screaming and denying and lying, and I am supposed to be impressed?

She then called me a second time last night at 6:30pm begging for me to call her.

Are you kidding me?

You have put me, your daughter, your family, and 1/2 your friends on ice the last 26 days, only texting when you feel like it, and now you want to talk on the phone? Hmmmm...coincidence that you found out I know about a possible 'alleged' affair and you're now calling me?

I'm busy today at work, which is a good thing. Idle time, leads to an idle mind, which is my own worst enemy. As "Anon" pointed out yesterday, it doesn't really matter anymore. The wheels are in motion. You will be served sometime this week if and when the process server can track you down.

Again, thanks for stiffing me on the taxes that you owe and I had to pay today on your behalf just to keep my name and credit clear of the IRS. Thanks for lying to me and your daughter and your family about your whereabouts back in January.

I so want to talk to you, but am afraid to because my mind and heart are torn. I still love you, but I refuse to be kicked down anymore. I love you, but your behavior disgusts me. I want to scream and yell, but what does that change? You are damaged and don't even know it. I'm so mad at you, but then again, you are sick...the alcohol has changed you and it's a disease and you are looking at the world from a lost point of view. I feel sorry for you.

An 'affair' of the heart.

.....

Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.

The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.

One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.

I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.

Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.

It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.

On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.

These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.

You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.

I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.

And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.

I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.

Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.

I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.

I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.

No turning back...the wheels are now in motion

Despite my wife saying she was not going to go the party last night, I'm glad I chose to stay home anyway.

Why?

Well as my SIL predicted, my wife showed up anyway.

*Sigh*

Well, at least she had the decency not to come to the house last night. And if she did, she would find two large boxes on the porch I packed for her, including her mail. One box is all shoes. The other more clothes. I'll pack more in the future, but two boxes is all I felt like last night.

That being said, I went to bed at an early hour of 9pm. Slept 'okay' although I did get up once at midnight, and again at 3am, and finally at 5:15 in which I decided just to get up and start my day.

Did some grocery shopping...for one....and am going to treat myself to steak one night this week.

Met with my lawyer this morning. 30 minutes is all it took, plus a check for his retainer fee. That being said, I signed the papers. She will hopefully be served mid-week next week in her new state. Lawyer told me to avoid any contact with her, lest I get emotional or allow her to talk me into something.

On the way home I called my dad with the news. He's supportive. For me, I really had no emotion. I wasn't feeling happy or sad. I wasn't depressed or angry. It just felt like a business transaction.

That was until I called my best friend. I let him know what I did and he congratulated me. He said he knows I tried, tried hard for quite some time, but my wife is all about herself right now.

And then I cried. Right there and then in the car. I had a good 3 minute cry, and I'm sure there will be more of those in the days and weeks to come. And then someday next week, when my wife gets served by surprise, the crap will really hit the fan. She says she doesn't want a divorce, that she still loves me (as I've said here before), but I see not one iota of evidence of ANY attempt over the last 3+ weeks to rectify anything.

No...like I said yesterday. Bowling, and parties are her top priorities right now.

So, therapy in about 5 hours, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, followed by men's support group tomorrow at 6:15am.

War of Words II

This morning was rich.

I got a text from my wife at around 10am asking me if I wanted to meet her for lunch. So she got here either super early, or she came down the night before and spent the night somewhere in the area.

OMG, come to find out she spent the night at the girls house who is throwing the surprise b-day party for my good friend later today. It gets better. Said mutual friend told my wife I will not go to the party because she will be there. Ahh...great. Really? So not only do you invite my in-denial wife about her drinking to a bar, you let her stay with you and not tell anyone, and then proceed to tell my wife I won't attend because of her drinking.

Am I living in Bizarro world?

I asked my wife is she saw a counsler yet.

She avoided the question by deflecting it to something else.

I asked again.

She stared talking about her sister and how her sister is meddeling in her life and our marriage.

I said "I will assume 'No' since you can't answer the question."

"Actually I do, on Monday."

"Then why don't you just answer the question the first time, instead of dancing around talking about your sister, and everything else?"

-long pause-

I push more..."And what about the deposit you were going to put in the bank for YOUR taxes? You've told me 2x now over the past 2 weeks, and I haven't seen anything. Instead...as is the norm....you are here for a party, meaning you put yourself and fun first, before family, marriage, and responsibility."

That opened the flood gates. I got a series of angry texts in return....all deflections, all excuses, and how I'm not a good friend because I'm not going to a party tonight. They were so random, they didn't even make sense, and oddly this time I didn't get mad or emotional.

She then had the audacity to say "I thought YOU wanted to work on the marriage?" I simply replied..."I'm going to counseling. I'm paying my bills. I'm being a responsible adult. I didn't run away. Something you cannot seem to do."

Her last text to me (which I don't beleive for one second) was "You can go ahead to the party, I'm not going. You make me feel like a child and like shit."

No....you make yourself feel like shit because you know I am right. You feel like shit because you are running out of excuses to get into counseling (it's been over 3 weeks now and you haven't yet gone). You feel like shit because deep down in your heart you know you abandoned your daughter, you abandoned your marriage, you've alienated your family, and your spending the night at other peoples houses and not your own bed. You feel like shit because you know you owe money for your responsibilities but you spend your government handout instead at bowling alleys, bars, and filling your gas tanks driving to your friends places. You feel like shit because you cannot talk, text, or look your daughter in the face right now. You feel like shit because the big dream of getting a job in another state isn't happening like you thought it would.

You feel like shit, because you know all of this is WRONG.

I spoke to my daughter this morning. She feels like crap today. She knew before I did that her mom came into town yesterday, and my wife hasn't even attempted once to contact her.

As I pointed out to my wife. She puts herself and fun first. Family, marriage, God all come in last place.

I am not going to the party tonight: 1) I cannot believe my wife is not going to go after she drove 4 hours yesterday to get here. 2) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend is knowingly harboring my alcoholic wife in her own house and failed to mention that to me when she asked for me to help set the party up. 3) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend told my wife why I wasn't going to attend, thus my wife telling me how crappy I am for doing that to him. 4) I need to pack additional boxes of my wifes clothing and put them on the porch tonight for what I believe will be the inevitable late night drive-by.

I have my second one-on-one therapy session tomorrow, and my lawyer appointment as well. Need to get the ball rolling. My "real" wife, the one I married has been abducted and replaced by stubborn, prideful, irresponsible, cold-hearted, alcoholic.

Surprise....daughter is moving today and wife is headed for another party.

Three developments today:

1 - I meet with the lawyer this Friday (taking day off of work) and start moving ahead by getting paperwork started.

2 - I learned that my wife is driving down another 4 hours this Thursday (a work day for everyone) to be at yet another mutual friends b-day party at a local watering hole. Dammit....Now I have to miss this one too, and this pisses me off all over again.
A) Apparently my wife still has no job if she can drive down for another party Thursday and turn around Friday (?)
B) She also apparently has money for gas to drive 325+ miles one way, 325+ miles back, plus I'm sure she'll drink. Yet, I still haven't seen any money from her.

3 - And only because this news alerted me that my wife will be in town (5 miles away from 'my' house) on Thursday, I became concerned that she'd try and get into the house by convincing my daughter to let her in. So I called my daughter up, and SURPRISE, she is moving today and my in-laws are there at my house now packing her up. I had no idea. I was under the impression it may be Wed, but most likely Thursday. My inlaws are going to leave 'my' key for me in a secret spot tonight that I will recover when I get home.

I spoke to my inlaws on the phone. My MIL once again told me to divorce her daughter. I guess they exchanged text messages on Easter, and it wasn't pleasant.

I spoke to my FIL today for the first time in a few weeks. He told me he loved me, and was sorry, and I also apologized to him. Told him I never expected any of this to come to this, and he told me not to worry. I love them so much. I could not have asked for better inlaws, which makes this even more hard....but it has to be done.

Anonymous - You asked in your comment why my SIL is so gung-ho about divorce. The best answer I can give is that despite she may be a little pushy for my tastes, I am not, and maybe I need a swift kick in the arse to jump start things. My SIL is indeed concerened and loves her sister and me. So much so in fact I think she's pushing this because:

1. She knows her sister is self-destructive, in denial, and sick and is worried that these continued behaviors will not end well, either by my wife getting a DUI, hurting someone, or herself and doesn't want to see that happen.


2. She knows that I have been miserable and hurting for quite sometime and honestly tells me I deserve someone who appreciates me and what I have to offer because her sister clearly does not.


3. She's appalled that despite all of our collective efforts over the past couple of months, the intervention went poorly and her sister is thumbing her nose at everyone and seemingly getting away with her cake and eating it too while she has left a path of destruction in her wake.


4. She thinks that only by getting divorce papers will my wife realize that I'm no longer a pushover, safety net, weak-willed man that can be manipulated anylonger and this will send a strong signal that she 'screwed up'.

That is at least what I get in summation with my talks with her over the past few months. Yes, my SIL has been married 3 times, but this last one (going on 10 years now) has completely changed her. She's a much more family orientated person these days, found God herself, but still has that 'Alpha' personality. In my heart, I know she means well and is looking out for my best interests as well (she says her sister is a 'lost cause'), but she can be pretty dominant...a trait I am not used to or don't have in myself.

This mornings earlier "venting" on my behalf was out fo frustration that within 24 hours everyone was coming at me and I was just trying to get through the day minding my own business.

Take our advice...and like it.

Monday was a very stressful day for me, but not of my own volition. It seemed the stars were cosmically aligned between my own mother and my SIL. That's not to mention both my daughter and MIL also felt the need to text me yesterday.

As did my wife.

Seriously, between the five of them, I wanted to pull my hair out by 6pm.

Daughter and MIL wasn't so bad. Just checking in with me to see how I'm doing.

Wife texted me and wanted to know how my Easter went. I was truthful. I told her I was both sad and mad. Sad that this is the first time in 9 years we hadn't spent a holiday together. Sad that we are in this situation. Mad that she drove 4 hours to go to a party and neglected her family. Mad that she went to a party while ignoring my birthday. Mad that she said she would deposit money in the bank for her taxes last week, and so far hasn't. Told her I know now where I rank in her life. She said it was not true and asked if she could call me at lunch....I ignored her. I noticed from a friend of hers Facebook status that my unemployed wife was hanging out at an Irish Pub yesterday afternoon. Gee, I wonder what she was doing?

And no, she hasn't tried to contact me since.

SIL called me to tell me I need to get rolling on the divorce. She told me not to get a paralegal, told me what book to buy at Amazon (some do it yourself book), told me not to text her sister anymore (or call for that matter) until my wife decides to get her shit together and go into treatment. Basically, my SIL once again called me out on being "too soft" and allowing her sister to control me. I can't argue with what she says, but my SIL can be a little 'blunt', and that's putting it mildly. She made me promise to call my lawyer yesterday (I did) and inquire about the next step in getting this ship sailing.

What I didn't know (until later) was that my SIL then felt the need to call my parents and advise them to advise me to get my arse in gear. So of course, on my way hoem from work yesterday my mom called me and gave me a 15 minute lecture on what do next. Problem is, my mom (as much as I know she means well and has my best interests at heart) likes to hear herself talk. Meaning she will repeat the obvious 10 times in a row until you either want to hang-up, scream, or chuck the phone.

She told me to call the lawyer. I said I did. She then told me to call the lawyer. I just said I did. "Well you need to get a hold of him." "Mom, I left him a voice mail. It is now 5:30. Maybe he's gone for the day? You do realize you and dad just spoke to me, twice, less than 24 hours ago about this."

It's like they want everything done yesterday. I have to remind them....I WORK.... I am not retired. I am not a stay at home mom. It is Spring Break and I am not vactioning. I AM AT WORK. I can't do everything by myself just because YOU TWO snap your fingers. Again, that's not to mention my daughter, MIL, and wife also are contacting me.

My mom then told me what books to get via my SIL. Really? You mean to repeat to me the same 2 book my SIL just told me about 3 hours ago? So now I'm having this conversation again?

Christ almighty. I picked the wrong time to swear off drinking myself....And they wonder why I can't sleep? Oh, maybe because you two are relentless on my ass for a Monday right after a holiday in which I broke down? GIVE ME A BREAK. I know they mean well, but back-off already.

Oh, and I was informed that my wife is trying to get the new key copied from my daughter (I changed the locks). I had to tell my daughter (with my SIL and MIL also telling her) NO WAY.

Lunch with my MIL

Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.

My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.

The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.

My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.

I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.

I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.

*sigh*

Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.

I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.

I see the lawyer today at 3pm.

Riding off into the Sunset...

Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.

I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.

I just am.

I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.

And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.

The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.

Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.

Let me go back a few days.

Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.

Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.

It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.

Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.

Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.

Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.

She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."

I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.

The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.

Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.

I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.

I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."

I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....

We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).

Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.

After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.

She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.

She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."

"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."

She started to cry.

I didn't care.

Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.

"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,

"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."

I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.

She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"

My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."

With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.

My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.

Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.

And the ball continues to roll downhill.

Well, looks like my wife removed me and her sister from Facebook today.

And a friend just informed me that she posted that she went to the Glen Ivy Spa this afternoon.

Glad to see she's using her unemployment check she just got today for all the "right" reasons.

Just adding fuel to my fire.

Not a good sign.

Wed update

It just gets better and better.

While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.

Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.

I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.

Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.

This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.

I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.

I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.

I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."

I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."

I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.

When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.

I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.

Nothing.

So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.

Finding my voice?

Not sure what happened to the first lawyer I spoke with, but he seems to have fallen off the planet. It's Friday afternoon now, and after two attempts earlier this week, he has not contacted me back.

So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.

That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?

Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.

My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.

I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).

Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?

I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.

Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.

One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:

1. I did not Cause it.


2. I cannot Control her.


3. I cannot Cure her.

It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.

It's about finding my voice. Again.

I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.

It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).

My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.

She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.

When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.

She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.

My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.

That's it for now.