Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
March 19, 2009
October 29, 2008
I Dream of True Love
Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
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