Ability vs Availability

"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."

Wow.

I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.

What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.

I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.

So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.

My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.

A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.

I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.

Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.

It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.

I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.

I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.

God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.