The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.
My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.
Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.
I hurt so much right now.
I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.
I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.
I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.
I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.
How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.
The list can go on and on.
I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.
But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.
I really am that co-dependant.
Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.
I cried this morning.
And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.
I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.
I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.
I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
April 18, 2012
April 16, 2012
An 'affair' of the heart.
.....
Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.
The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.
One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.
I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.
Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.
It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.
On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.
These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.
You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.
I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.
And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.
I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.
Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.
I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.
I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.
Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.
The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.
One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.
I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.
Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.
It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.
On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.
These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.
You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.
I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.
And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.
I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.
Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.
I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.
I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.
April 13, 2012
No turning back...the wheels are now in motion
Despite my wife saying she was not going to go the party last night, I'm glad I chose to stay home anyway.
Why?
Well as my SIL predicted, my wife showed up anyway.
*Sigh*
Well, at least she had the decency not to come to the house last night. And if she did, she would find two large boxes on the porch I packed for her, including her mail. One box is all shoes. The other more clothes. I'll pack more in the future, but two boxes is all I felt like last night.
That being said, I went to bed at an early hour of 9pm. Slept 'okay' although I did get up once at midnight, and again at 3am, and finally at 5:15 in which I decided just to get up and start my day.
Did some grocery shopping...for one....and am going to treat myself to steak one night this week.
Met with my lawyer this morning. 30 minutes is all it took, plus a check for his retainer fee. That being said, I signed the papers. She will hopefully be served mid-week next week in her new state. Lawyer told me to avoid any contact with her, lest I get emotional or allow her to talk me into something.
On the way home I called my dad with the news. He's supportive. For me, I really had no emotion. I wasn't feeling happy or sad. I wasn't depressed or angry. It just felt like a business transaction.
That was until I called my best friend. I let him know what I did and he congratulated me. He said he knows I tried, tried hard for quite some time, but my wife is all about herself right now.
And then I cried. Right there and then in the car. I had a good 3 minute cry, and I'm sure there will be more of those in the days and weeks to come. And then someday next week, when my wife gets served by surprise, the crap will really hit the fan. She says she doesn't want a divorce, that she still loves me (as I've said here before), but I see not one iota of evidence of ANY attempt over the last 3+ weeks to rectify anything.
No...like I said yesterday. Bowling, and parties are her top priorities right now.
So, therapy in about 5 hours, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, followed by men's support group tomorrow at 6:15am.
Why?
Well as my SIL predicted, my wife showed up anyway.
*Sigh*
Well, at least she had the decency not to come to the house last night. And if she did, she would find two large boxes on the porch I packed for her, including her mail. One box is all shoes. The other more clothes. I'll pack more in the future, but two boxes is all I felt like last night.
That being said, I went to bed at an early hour of 9pm. Slept 'okay' although I did get up once at midnight, and again at 3am, and finally at 5:15 in which I decided just to get up and start my day.
Did some grocery shopping...for one....and am going to treat myself to steak one night this week.
Met with my lawyer this morning. 30 minutes is all it took, plus a check for his retainer fee. That being said, I signed the papers. She will hopefully be served mid-week next week in her new state. Lawyer told me to avoid any contact with her, lest I get emotional or allow her to talk me into something.
On the way home I called my dad with the news. He's supportive. For me, I really had no emotion. I wasn't feeling happy or sad. I wasn't depressed or angry. It just felt like a business transaction.
That was until I called my best friend. I let him know what I did and he congratulated me. He said he knows I tried, tried hard for quite some time, but my wife is all about herself right now.
And then I cried. Right there and then in the car. I had a good 3 minute cry, and I'm sure there will be more of those in the days and weeks to come. And then someday next week, when my wife gets served by surprise, the crap will really hit the fan. She says she doesn't want a divorce, that she still loves me (as I've said here before), but I see not one iota of evidence of ANY attempt over the last 3+ weeks to rectify anything.
No...like I said yesterday. Bowling, and parties are her top priorities right now.
So, therapy in about 5 hours, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, followed by men's support group tomorrow at 6:15am.
March 22, 2012
Lunch with my MIL
Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
March 21, 2012
A new dawn.
I had absolutely no contact with my wife yesterday.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
March 20, 2012
Riding off into the Sunset...
Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
March 15, 2012
And the ball continues to roll downhill.
Well, looks like my wife removed me and her sister from Facebook today.
And a friend just informed me that she posted that she went to the Glen Ivy Spa this afternoon.
Glad to see she's using her unemployment check she just got today for all the "right" reasons.
Just adding fuel to my fire.
Not a good sign.
And a friend just informed me that she posted that she went to the Glen Ivy Spa this afternoon.
Glad to see she's using her unemployment check she just got today for all the "right" reasons.
Just adding fuel to my fire.
Not a good sign.
Wed update
It just gets better and better.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
March 09, 2012
Finding my voice?
Not sure what happened to the first lawyer I spoke with, but he seems to have fallen off the planet. It's Friday afternoon now, and after two attempts earlier this week, he has not contacted me back.
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
- I did not Cause it.
- I cannot Control her.
- I cannot Cure her.
It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.
It's about finding my voice. Again.
I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.
It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).
My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.
She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.
When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.
She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.
My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.
That's it for now.
March 08, 2012
Random thoughts at 1:30
It's a painfully slow day at work today.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
Al-Anon - my first meeting
I can honestly say, if you would have asked me some time back one of the last things on Earth I would ever expect myself to particpate in is any 12-step program, let alone based on the behaviors of someone else.
Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.
Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.
I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.
I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.
I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.
It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.
They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:
Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.
Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.
I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.
I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.
I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.
It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.
They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:
- I want my health back. I don't want to lose weight via stress, have high blood pressure, be on Xanax, maintain my focus and mood.
- I want my sleep back. I don't want to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering what the future may hold, feeling the anxiety keeping me up at nights, quieting my mind from all the scenarios I have no control over.
- I want my spine back. This was the most important one to me. I explained that years ago I used to be a strong male figure. A leader. But over the course of this marriage (and not just because of alcohol), somehow, somewhere, someway, I lost my backbone and have become a doormat to the person I provide for. The love I have for my wife is not reciprocated nor appreciated no matter what I do and therefor I am torturing myself day-in and day-out. I want to wake up someday and say "NO....this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anylonger." A voice I used to have, but don't have now.
A few others (not all) voluntered their own stories, and I was surprised how similar they sounded to mine. Just change a few names, a few dates, and both the men and women here of diffrent ages were living my life as well.
Some may say that in itself may be empowering, but I'm not so sure. The only thing it told me is that people of all ages have screwed up marriages rooted in addiction, and the behaviors are all the same. It didn't make me feel better, but just sad for all the others expereincing the same degree of pain (maybe more, maybe less) that I am. I really wanted to pray for one man in particular who couldn't have been much older than me, but has two young daughters at stake with a young wife that has been in and out of rehab for years now....and he hasn't left her. He cried in front of us, and I could really empathize. I got him tissues and during the break, I told him don't be embarrassed...I cry all the time, it just so happens last night I told him I was dehydrated and my tear bank was empty.
Overall, it was just about sharing. No one tried to solve anything for anybody. No one was giving legal advice, or choosing sides. It was a group of people that were in love with someone who can't love themselves and we can't understand why. At the end, it felt a little morose, but I left with my head held up high and took a deep breath and went home.
I didn't even get into the wacky antics my wife pulled only hours earlier....I didn't want to even address them. I just took my shower, got in my pajamas (it was cold) and went to bed.
Today is the first morning I got up after sleeping pretty decent that I did not feel the need to pop a Xanax. And now hours later, I still feel okay. I mean that could possibly change, but right now, at least at this instant...I feel 'Okay'.
August 19, 2009
Things are looking up?
I realize it been almost a month since my last post, and my last entry was indicating I was go to the therapists office to make sense of the verbal altercation my wife was having with from the previous weekend.
Pride is a very difficult thing. We all have it to one degree or another, and sometimes personal pride can get in the way of many a great thing, especially relationships. I don't mean this to be a wife bashing session (as you'll hopefully figure out in the coming paragraphs), but I have come to the realization my wife has a great amount of personal pride.
Not that pride is bad in and of itself, it's how it's applied in everyday situations. So for all you guys and gals, married or unmarried, or whatever you relationship status is....swallow your pride. Pride can be just as damaging as jealousy and bittereness and other negative emotions.
I've said this before...my spouse does not have 'sorry' in her vocabulary. She makes ammends in other ways and sometimes its difficult for me to recognize right away.
Long story short, Tuesday we did have a session with our counselor and when it was all said and done and we laid out both sides of the events that transpired, the female counselor told my wife that she was wrong. It was not a 'Nyah, Nyah, Nyah' moment for me. I had no desire to rub it in her face, but for me, it helped me unload some of the weight I carry on my own shoulders and midn in wondering "Am I really this screwed up? Do I really not get life? Have I been raised by a warped moral and ethical code that doesn't really exist?"
The other strange thing that I will never understand is once my wife heard that I in fact did the right thing and that perhaps she was actually out of line during the course of prior events, she seemed to understand the issue. How come when I point out stuff it's dismissed, but if someone else points out the EXACT same thing, then it is taken seriously and digested and thought about by her?
Anyway, that was close to a month ago, and I'm happy to report that things between us have improved. I feel as if my wife really is indeed trying to make an effort in some thinsg now. No nothing is perfect, including me, and I'm still on my medication, but I've been more at peace these last two weeks than I have in months. We are getting along well, doing things together and still being able to find the tiem to do our own things. I do feel a bit more empowered as of late as well and maybe not as spineless as before when it comes to my wife. Maybe my wife has gained an incling of more respect for me because of this too. I'm more firm in my answers...not mean...and I'm not getting suckered into certain badegerings. I just walk away and talk calmly and tell her when she wants to talk civily....we'll talk, and if she even begins to raise her voice, I just stop and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sure, I think this agitates her to no end, and I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but I'm saving myself from getting worked up, sleepless, having to rely on pills to lower my blood pressure or pain in my chest. I think she's getting the hint now and realizes I'm not as eaily goaded as before. And it does help when a professional tell her that her antics at times are just as unhealthy as mine.
But in all seriousness, we are getting along good. We actually hosted a party at our house last weekend which was fun for the both of us. We also recently went to the county fair, and tonight we are going to a concert...tickets that she bought for me, no less.
So let's hope this is a beginning of a new standard in turning our relationship around. I don't want to jinx it at all, but the last few weeks has been quite an improvement for us.
Pride is a very difficult thing. We all have it to one degree or another, and sometimes personal pride can get in the way of many a great thing, especially relationships. I don't mean this to be a wife bashing session (as you'll hopefully figure out in the coming paragraphs), but I have come to the realization my wife has a great amount of personal pride.
Not that pride is bad in and of itself, it's how it's applied in everyday situations. So for all you guys and gals, married or unmarried, or whatever you relationship status is....swallow your pride. Pride can be just as damaging as jealousy and bittereness and other negative emotions.
I've said this before...my spouse does not have 'sorry' in her vocabulary. She makes ammends in other ways and sometimes its difficult for me to recognize right away.
Long story short, Tuesday we did have a session with our counselor and when it was all said and done and we laid out both sides of the events that transpired, the female counselor told my wife that she was wrong. It was not a 'Nyah, Nyah, Nyah' moment for me. I had no desire to rub it in her face, but for me, it helped me unload some of the weight I carry on my own shoulders and midn in wondering "Am I really this screwed up? Do I really not get life? Have I been raised by a warped moral and ethical code that doesn't really exist?"
The other strange thing that I will never understand is once my wife heard that I in fact did the right thing and that perhaps she was actually out of line during the course of prior events, she seemed to understand the issue. How come when I point out stuff it's dismissed, but if someone else points out the EXACT same thing, then it is taken seriously and digested and thought about by her?
Anyway, that was close to a month ago, and I'm happy to report that things between us have improved. I feel as if my wife really is indeed trying to make an effort in some thinsg now. No nothing is perfect, including me, and I'm still on my medication, but I've been more at peace these last two weeks than I have in months. We are getting along well, doing things together and still being able to find the tiem to do our own things. I do feel a bit more empowered as of late as well and maybe not as spineless as before when it comes to my wife. Maybe my wife has gained an incling of more respect for me because of this too. I'm more firm in my answers...not mean...and I'm not getting suckered into certain badegerings. I just walk away and talk calmly and tell her when she wants to talk civily....we'll talk, and if she even begins to raise her voice, I just stop and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sure, I think this agitates her to no end, and I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but I'm saving myself from getting worked up, sleepless, having to rely on pills to lower my blood pressure or pain in my chest. I think she's getting the hint now and realizes I'm not as eaily goaded as before. And it does help when a professional tell her that her antics at times are just as unhealthy as mine.
But in all seriousness, we are getting along good. We actually hosted a party at our house last weekend which was fun for the both of us. We also recently went to the county fair, and tonight we are going to a concert...tickets that she bought for me, no less.
So let's hope this is a beginning of a new standard in turning our relationship around. I don't want to jinx it at all, but the last few weeks has been quite an improvement for us.
June 26, 2009
Speechless?
No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.
My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.
Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.
There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.
To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).
My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.
We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.
We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.
Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.
My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.
The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.
My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.
Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.
There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.
To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).
My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.
We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.
We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.
Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.
My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.
The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.
May 11, 2009
Meds again
I don't take this offering to you very lightly, but after many weeks of long self-deliberation, I have decided to begin taking anti-depressants again.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
May 07, 2009
Restless Again
Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. - (Isaiah 41:10)
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
May 06, 2009
Sullen Day
Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
April 30, 2009
Peaceful Days
While I am a bit tired right now and could probably use a nap in general, things have been relatively peaceful the last few days.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
April 28, 2009
Therapy Tonight
The last few days have actually gone better than expected.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
April 23, 2009
Holding it together
I don't know why, but in the last hour or so today I have had an overwhelming sense of dread.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
Eye of the Storm (Part III)
**the events that I write about in this series took place almost a week ago, and a lot has happened in a mere five days to even keep up with, so I apologize upfront if things seem disjointed.
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
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