Rough Times

Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?

I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.

It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.

My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.

I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.

It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.

Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.

I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.

My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."

Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"

I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.

I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.

But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.

I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.

How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.

I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.