The last few days I feel a sense of foreboding looming over me, yet I cannot place a finger on any one marker.
I've been restless the past four days, especially in my own spirit and mind, and I haven't been praying about it with all much sincerity either which I am just realizing now.
Friday, a young woman passed away at my place of employment. She was in here mid 30's. That is the second person who has passed away here at that age in the last few months, and it really put a damper on my mood. I think i knew who she was...she worked within my own building, but I never really spoke with her, perhaps a brief 'Hello' in mere passing at best.
It's true. You just never know. You could be in excellent health with no visible signs when God decides your time on Earth is at its end. I don't know if she was a believer or not, but the news of her death affects me none-the-less. It makes me take stock into my acts and works and attitudes while I am here.
I drank Friday night. More than I probably should have. I had both whisky and vodka, and as a result had a restless night. Saturday morning I tried to study the bible, but again, my thoughts were distanced and scattered. I could not focus at all, and no messages was making itself known for me to glean.
I was tired and went to bed early Saturday, but to no avail. For as fatigued as both my body and mind seemed to be, my restless dreams woke me up numerous times thoughout the night. So much so, I made a selfish excuse not to go to church on Sunday. I do feel a tad guilty about that, but my heart really wasn't in it. And of course my sleep last night was just as restless. I tossed and I turned, never falling into a deep sleep. I was up a few times, and I has a slight paign in my chest. It felt like a cross between tension and the early stages of one of my panic attacks, but teh more I sat there to think about it, the more I couldn't think of one thing that was getting under my skin. I've been thinking about work lately, a bit more than I usually do, but I'm not sure enough to keep me up at night.
I prayed today while driving on my way to work. Here I am asking God to remove my anxiety, and yet I felt a certain conviction in my heart as to what a horrid person I can be with my thoughts. Memories of anger and bitterness from a couple of years back came to mind, and I wondered "Whe the heck am I thinking this right now?" I have no answer for that.
1 comment:
Hello Alone Disciple,
I wanted to leave you a comment and expression my empathy and thanks for such a great blog. I have spent the last two days going through your blog posts dating back to 2006. I'm moved and impressed by your words, vulnerability, strength, and wisdom on dealings with God.
The thoughts that you have expressed over the last few years are almost identical to my life, as well. Your thoughts, insights, and dealings with the world around you are amazingly similar in though.
I, too, have struggled with anxiety, depression, differences between the secular world and my faith. This has all come on in the past few years and gotten increasingly worse over time. I feel very alone, empty and devoid at times regardless of the fact that I have a wonderful fiancee, two beautiful children from my first marriage, and a good career.
Being in this state during the last few years has left me with an overwhelming state of despair regarding the remaining years of my life. I am in my early 30's and feel like the best part of my life is behind me. That is, unless I kick the depression demons that haunt me. I have tried several medications for panic and depression only to realize they are temporary fixes, at best. I have asked for tolerance in my forgiveness of the ignorance of psychiatrists and the medical industry for pushing medications on people after spending 5 minutes with them. I truly need to find a therapist who specializes in talk therapy.
It appears that you work in the IT field, as do I. I have been developing software for over 10 years now and can't say I particular enjoy it anymore. The work is stressful and the people can be cold-hearted at times. I recently made a life decision to get out of consulting and into a corporate job where I could relax more. I hope the same happens for you.
Thank you again for you blog...keep up the writing and try to stay positive.
James
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