Riding off into the Sunset...

Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.

I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.

I just am.

I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.

And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.

The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.

Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.

Let me go back a few days.

Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.

Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.

It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.

Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.

Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.

Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.

She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."

I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.

The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.

Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.

I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.

I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."

I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....

We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).

Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.

After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.

She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.

She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."

"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."

She started to cry.

I didn't care.

Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.

"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,

"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."

I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.

She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"

My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."

With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.

My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.

Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.

Don't get sucked in.

So things for all intents and purposes seem to be going well, but of course nothing ever is at it seems. You know the quip: "It's almost too quiet...Something isn't right?" Yeah, I almost found my self in it last night but I caught myself just before I got sucked into pandoras box or a gordian knot.

When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.

She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"

She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.

Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.

Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.

Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.

I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.

Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.

Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."

She replied, "I don't care what they think."

"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."

"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"

"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"

Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.

"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"

Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.

Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.

The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.

Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.

I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?

I ended the conversation here and went to bed.