And now for something completely different....

Joel Osteen

I don't know why, but Monty Python just entered my head when thinking about a title for this post.

I love British humor.  I actually love any type of dry, quick wit.  To me it's a sign of intelligence.  The ability to make a dead pan comment or see the insane side of a sane world without resorting to lowbrow words or situations is a sign of intelligence to me.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned Joel Osteen Ministries before or not.  I came across him for the first time a month or so back when I missed my regular church service and felt the desire (notice I didn't say need) to watch a Sunday morning TV sermon.  Anyway, I stumbled across him and with a skeptics ear I listened.  I say 'skeptics ear' because I'm a little worried about some televangelists...and there's plenty of reason to be such, but I actually liked what he said. 

And by my limited knowledge of the Words, Joel's message's easily pass my personal litmus test on being biblically sound.

Today is Tuesday.  That is six days ago I received the inflammatory letter from my wife's attorney, and you can guess by now I have allowed it to affect me at a very deep level.  Thank goodness my ex can't see me because there's no reason I'd like to give her to know that she was able to get into my head so good and derail me for so many days.

But then today (albeit 6 days later) I felt the need inside me to listen to a Joel Osteen sermon online.  I've never been to his website before.  Today was the first time.  I signed in and went to his podcast section and chose sermon #515 - "The Power of Letting Go" (which happened to be recorded May 27, 2012, just a few weeks back).

WOW!!

The message was designed for me to hear today.  Maybe God wanted me to think about things the last 6 days before I was ready to accept something.  That something was the "idea of 'Letting Go'".  Joel makes a a great point towards the end of this 30 minute sermon.
    

"Why do we place a question mark, where God has put a period?"

Meaning, whether we understand things or not, we should tune in more acutely and listen to God's answer, and accept it for what the final result is.  Instead, we sit and try to figure things out and wedge it conveniently into our own parameters so that we can understand things.  Joel goes on to say that "we don't know all the answer, and nor do we need to."  We need to create a new file drawer in our head...one that is labeled "I don't know why".  That one is missing because we always try to create an answer for everything and justify things at the moment so that we can process it for ourselves and thus move on.

But sometimes things just don't compute.

And so we stew, and we think, and we analyze, and we play the tape in our heads over and over and over again....looking for that one clue....that one piece of information....that one hint....that we can say "Aha!!....That's why that happened."

But are we ever really satisfied with that answer...or non-answer?  I know I generally am not, and thus begins the cycle of driving myself insane, and spiraling into depression, anger, frustration, and everything else negative that I tend to blog about.

When God just put a period on that chapter.

And then we turn the page, and a new chapter is about to begin.

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, maybe even more so.  For whatever reason, I was created to over think things to death.  Even though I don't like to shoehorn myself into the stigma of being a pessimist, I do indeed tend to look at the glass as 'half empty'.

And who am I to question the Creator who knows everything where I no just a fraction of nothing?

I need to learn to "Let Go."  All this thinking and worrying and making up answers in my head, is just what I alluded to yesterday...it all amounts to nothing, because I don't know the final answer nor do I have all the information.  And maybe God just wants me to accept His period on it, move on, and not try to put my question mark at the end.  The more I question things looking for an answer, the longer I wait before I can turn the page and start a new chapter, the chapter He is going to write for me.

It's me about getting over that mental hurdle and convincing myself I will be okay.  You know that.  My friends know that.  My family knows that.  God knows that.  I just need to accept it and own it myself.  That's the trick.

Once I have done that, I can move on.

An "America" to relax by.

I'm not the biggest fan of classic rock music, and I was a little young when America was in their hey-day, but I discovered them for myself sometime in my mid-thirties.

When I'm depressed, or I feeling a little anxious and need some calming music to relax to, I put on "America's" Greatest Hits.

For some reason, I find their harmony very relaxing and soothing to me, however, depending on the song it can depress me if I really listen to the lyrics.

Today, using my Android phone, I am going through their entire catalog from the cloud, and have to say, it has a weird effect on me.

One of the main guys, I forget his name right now, but he became a born again Christian and wrote a book about his personal journey of leading a rock 'n roll lifestyle (drugs, money, women) before he cleaned up his act.  I think he recently died not to long ago.  I hope they make an audio version of his book.  I'd like to listen to it as a fan.

Anyway, it's late Thursday afternoon....no news on any front really right now.  Just looking forward to tomorrow night and Saturday with my friend, and here's to hoping I make some new friends as well.

Trying out Therapists

What an awkward and uncomfortable process.

Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.

Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.

Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.

The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.

The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.

Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.

Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"

Bah....this whole process sucks.

Can you have depression and know God?

This topic came up rather impromptly the other day during a discussion I was having with some men regarding the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us upon acceptance of Christ and the continued temptations of Satan and his minions afterwards and the failings of the flesh.



I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.



This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"



I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.



"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."



Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.



We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."



Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.



It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."



The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.



One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.

The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...

But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.

I think I just need a hobby (part I)

Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.

It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).

It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).

I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.

It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).

Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.

Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.

I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.

So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.

Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.

I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.

(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).

Passing of a friend

With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.

I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).

I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.

The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.

By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.

Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.

Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder

I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.

If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:

• Alcohol and substance abuse.
• Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
• Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
• Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
• Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.

You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.

It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.

This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.

Revisiting the unfinished

It's been a strange week for me both emotionally and psychologically.

I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.

I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..

My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.

My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.

And I really didn't care.

I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.

My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.

Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.

Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.

Voter Anxiety

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -(Isaiah 41:10)

It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.

I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.

No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.

It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.

My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.

Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.

But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.

This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.

I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.

These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.

I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.

I Dream of True Love

Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.

For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.

They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.

I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.

There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.

All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.

Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.

She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.

As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.

As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."

That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.

It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.

Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.

When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.

I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.

And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.

The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)

Warning: this entry contains adult language.

So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.

It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.

She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.

Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.

"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.

"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."

"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."

"I'm still a little upset from earlier."

"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"

"Don't I?"

"No."

"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"

"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."

"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."

"Oh, you're so literal...."

"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."

"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."

"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)

"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."

"Really? I beg to differ."

"Really. I still have it."

"Read it then...right now...."

"You know....."

"Read it." I interuppted.

She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.

At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.

"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."

"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."

"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"

I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."

"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."

"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"

"No we need to get this out and over with..."

At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."

"No....I'm done now."

"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.

"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.

"You're an asshole."

"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.

"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.

But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.

"So you're not saying anything?"

"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."

My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.

She didn't leave that night...

To be continued....

Keeping up with the Jonses'

"Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6: 17-18)

In somewhat of an interlude to the recent Marriage Woes entries, this topic sprung into my mind based upon a cliche that I've heard quite a few times from the neighbors over the last few days in reference to perhaps one of the causes to the husband's recent behavior.

While I think people are using this cliche a little too liberally here, I can't say it doesn't hold some merit. Just not the amount of merit everyone else is putting stock into right now.

The young couple in crisis right now (actually only 6 years younger than my wife and I) perhaps weren't prepared for what they took on a few years ago when they moved into the neighborhood. It was a time when the mortgage industry was sewing the seeds that would ultimately turn into the housing industry debacle we all have been experiencing this last year. Home prices shot up dramatically making it very hard for first time owners to be a responsible party in the owner/bank equation. Lenders circumvented this by offering insane deals that didn't make sense to anyone (including me) and thus the introductions of these ARM statements.

Fast forward a few years where the economy turns stagnant, ARMs re-adjust, gas prices shoot up, and the dollar falls. They say that foreclosures are at an all time high, and people are really holding on to their jobs. In the area in which we live, staying unemployed for too long spells trouble.

I think financial woes may have gotten to my neighbor. They may have bitten more off than they could chew, and it didn't help that he lost his job and had to eventually take something he didn't care for as much that paid less. That's how I felt when I lost my job. The $900 from the gov't every two weeks doesn't come close to the salary I was making, but fortunately I was always pretty good with money and saved up for a rainy day (my wife never understood why I was miserly at times early on...and during my loss of employment, I think she changed her tune when she saw I had much saved up). But I did have my doubts and concerns and worries just like everyone else. I may have been a little too pessimistic though...I was always talking about the rainy day, obsessed it would be coming one day, thus I never learned how to relax and enjoy a lot of simple things in life.

My neighbor, however, (at least in some of our casual conversations in the past) would tell me about all the great things his friends had, all the toys his brother had, the track homes in upscale areas his buddies now owned....and he always seemed to compare them to himself. He is college educated, married, just turned 31 years of age.....and has quite a few setbacks the last few years. On the surface I think he thinks that how did all his friends move ahead and 'appear' to be happier and he and his wife continue to struggle to make ends meet. He liked the idea and the appearance he was on par with everyone else. It just wasn't the case, and I really suspect his friends are all about appearances too (secretly in debt, living beyond their means....any day the floor just about to drop from under them).

I know the feeling. My wife and I argue about finances. That's been our main bone of contention in our own marriage. We've had some doozies on how to spend or not to spend money and what our responsibilities are to ourselves and each other in that realm.. I constantly think about retirement and social security, and the way we save and spend money, and I don't think I can retire anytime soon.

I finally admit to myself, I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be in this phase of my life. When I was 22-23 and just about to graduate college (1993) I thought "Who wouldn't want to hire me?". I mean I was a Business Management graduate with a double minor in computer information systems and marketing. I was also pretty much an A/B student. I'm sharp and a quick learner. I thought it was only a matter of months, maybe weeks, before I had a nice job that afforded me an office and a leather brief case (I probably watched too much Dallas back in the day and I wanted to emulate the lifestyle of JR Ewing).

In my head I envisioned that in about 5 years I would be driving a Mercedes Benz, I would have a nice house, and most likely engaged. In 10 years I would be well onto raising my 2 kids, and my wife would be a stay at home mom and once a year we'd go on a fabulous vacation.

In reality I got married after 10 years and started our life together in a condo, and now an attached house. I have a step-daughter who doesn't treat me as a father figure at all, someone who still just dates her mom, a wife who can't comprehend simple financial matters nor can seem to get pregnant any longer or even wants children at this point. We have yet to take a honeymoon in 5 years, and it seems to be a major decision right now if we can afford to buy all new shutters or blinds, or do we get a new front door or stove? I never got my Mercedes either...I drove my last car for 11 years and it leaked all the time, but I couldn't buy a new car when I was unemployed.

So yeah, things didn't work out the way I planned. At one point it really depressed me, and occasionally when others tell me how great their trip to Italy was, or how they just bought a Jet Ski and will be going to the lake this weekend, or how they just had the whole kitchen remodeled in granite and stainless steel, I admit a tinge of jealousy. But it could be worse.

I think that's what my neighbor is going through as well. I remember once he saw my 42" plasma TV a few years back.....he had to have one too. When his brother got a Lexus, he had to get an Infinity himself. When they saw other neighbors affording gardeners, they got one too. And perhaps the lifestyle caught up with them. Keeping up with the Jones' and the unsaid competition with family and friends led to some unsavory financial burdens and stress. I don't think they have attained where they would like to be in life (I sure didn't), and thus haven't found happiness or contentment.....juss mounting bills and headaches.

Fortunately I never got that far, but I do know the feeling and desires. Today, I don't make the money I made 3 years ago, but I am starting to learn how to appreciate what I have much more. I don't shop at Nordstroms or Saks any longer. I get nice $10 t-shirts and $30 tennis shoes at Kohl's. I don't put premium gas in my car any longer. I still have a VCR and not a Blu-Ray player. I buy my video games months after they come out, because that's when the price tends to drop. We cook more at home and have leftovers we take to work instead of $15-20 a plate dinners. I get my hair cut at Supercuts now. We still haven't take a vacation in a far away country, but this year I do plan on perhaps driving somewhere for a week.

I have learned the hard way about certain sacrifices, and yeah I may be disappointed on occasion, but I do spend more time with friends now, my dog, and learn to make do with what I have. I come to realize that I'll never have the lifestyle of the Ewings, but I do know with God in my heart, I have other riches that await me in the next life that I'll never experience here. I may not exactly like everything in my life right now, but I have come to the realization that God provides everything I need right now.....something the Jones' don't.

Marriage Woes (Part III)

It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.

I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.

There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.

If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.

Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.

When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.

She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.

We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.

I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.

I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.

She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.

I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.

Marriage Woes (Part II)

Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.

I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.

As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.

My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.

The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.

Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.

To be continued....

Marriage Woes (Part I)

I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.

Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.

When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.

Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.

It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.

Just like me almost two years ago.

Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.

Just like me.

Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.

Just like me.

His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...

Just like me.

As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.

I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?

Perhaps.

I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.

I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.

I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.

Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.

My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.

Yet another interuption.

One of my coworkers has called in this morning and has informed us he will not be at work this whole week and his new wife just gave birth to their first son. Well, congratulations to him and I hope everything is well.

But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.

When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.

And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.

Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.

A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)

I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.

I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.

I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.

Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.

He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.

He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.

And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.

He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)

Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.

We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.

Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.

To be continued....

A new round of tests and counseling (Part I)

With my hives out of control (I'm now convinced that they are indeed related to my ungodly stress level) I left work early to see my doctor. Surprisingly I weighed in a bit less than I thought I was going to...a diet consisting of worry and heartache can do wonders for the waistline.

I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.

The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.

Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.

"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."

It just hung out there for a minute.

"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."

"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.

"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."

I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.

"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."

He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.

I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.

It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.

I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.

I'm off to meet him....

to be continued.....

A new low

I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.

First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.

When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.

Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.

Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.

My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.

This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.

My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?

I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.

Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.

Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? Part III

Here is the conclusion of the 3 part article by Maia Szalavitz. Part III:

Other Factors

Unfortunately, most of these results failed to be replicated when researchers looked for them again. “People find predictors of response all the time but they are almost never replicated,” says Roy Perlis, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Genetic diversity may complicate the story. For example, one gene associated with positive response to antidepressants in whites was associated with lack of response in Japanese and Korean people.

The environment matters too—one study found that people who had been abused in childhood were less likely to respond to medicationsand more likely to be helped by talk therapy.

To complicate matters even further, it’s not just brain genes that affect drug response, but also a system of enzymes in the liver in which there is also great genetic variation.

For example, the enzyme CYP450 2D6 metabolizes Prozac and some related drugs and there are numerous variants of this one enzyme alone that can affect the way these drugs work. People whose 2D6 breaks down Prozac too fast may get no effect from ordinary dosages of the drug. Conversely, those whose enzyme works slowly may have severe side effects even at low dosages. A genetic test that is now commercially available can determine which variant someone has— but there’s another wrinkle.

Dietary factors significantly affect the actions of various enzymes. You may have heard of grapefruit juice negatively affecting the impact of drugs, but char-broiled meat, broccoli, star fruit, alcohol and tobacco also affect the response to medications. In addition, interactions between numerous medications can make things even less predictable.

“For the majority of people, these tests are not useful for antidepressant prescribing,” Perlis concludes. However, for people with bipolar disorder or psychotic depression who use antipsychotic medications, the tests can be important, particularly in terms of preventing serious side effects.

“It’s a nice idea,” concludes Tranter. “A lot of people are very interested in using genetics to predict the response to medication, but it’s too early to know what it will yield.”

Treating Depression Step By Step

But although trial and error and doctors’ clinical intuition are still all we really have to go on in antidepressant choice, a large study examining treatment of depression in real-world practice found that most people did benefit significantly by the end of the trial. Unlike a clinical trial, which usually just compares a drug to placebo or another drug, this trial involved trying different drugs sequentially if the first ones didn’t work for particular patients.

“Two-thirds got better by the end of the steps,” says Madhukar Trivedi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. “And by better, I mean that almost all the symptoms were gone—they were in remission. Not just showing improvement.”