Admittedly, yesterday's post kinda took on a tangential life of it's own so when I thought it was appropriate, I ended yesterday's musings to allow myself to regroup.
So about my growth, or what I perceive as my growth and continuing growth:
Small things used to bother me. Trivial things used to bother me. However, at the time I didn't realize or notice how small or trivial those things actually were until something larger happened and raised the bar.
Every one's bar or threshold is different as well. A 'big' deal to one person may be a speck on someone else's radar. When my ex-wife and I would have a disagreement, and she'd give me the silent treatment and I'd go sulk or pout in the corner over a bounced check with a $20 dollar penalty, it didn't take long before I turned on the TV to see someone in the Midwest just lost their entire home due to a tornado, or a wild fire in California just devastated a community, or someone got shot in high school.
On yet even a bigger stage, people in Rwanda are victims of genocide, Hamas is shooting RPGs at Israel, a whole class of students drown in a capsized ferry somewhere in Asia.
I look at these world problems and all of a sudden, my issues seem pale in comparison. I like to think of this as my airplane view. When I am standing on the ground, things placed in front of me take up my vision and seem big....but as I ascend to higher heights, I begin to see more. The objects that obstructed my view are now smaller. As my mental capacity and it's thoughts reach a cruising altitude of 30K feet, then everything looks small from that perspective:.....the petty arguments, the name calling, the bounced checks, and everything in between....yes, they all suck....but how I choose to react to them now when compared to much larger issues makes me aware of how much useless and wasted energy I spent trying to get even, prove my point, assert my dominance, etc.
I wasn't forgiving...I was bottling all this stuff up inside...letting it gnaw at me from the inside....gnaw on my heart, gnaw on my thoughts, gnaw on my emotions.
And for what? She still left.
Yes, I lost a lot. But she lost more. And removing my marriage and my anger and my bitterness from my own equation, there are people out there that lost, and continue to lose, a helluva lot more than I ever will.
I still get angry from time to time. But I know I am growing because I don't get as angry as often. I already know in my heart that I tried the best I could.....that I put up the best fight I could to save my marriage...but this person, despite all the advice so many people gave her, her heart was already hardened and stubborn and prideful and incapable of both taking responsibility of her actions or admitting she was wrong.
I no longer feel the need to scream at her. I no longer feel the need to 'get even'. I don't feel the need to correct the neighbors or set the record straight. I *try* not to waste my idle thoughts and energy on her anymore.
Instead, I pray for her.
I forgive her.....
Forgiving her is different from accepting the behavior. Forgiving her is different from wanting to associate with her..or liking her.
Jesus even told us that we should love our enemies. Notice he still used the word *enemy*.
She is far from my *enemy*...she's just a very lost person with something to prove to somebody and I just decided I wasn't going to be a doormat any longer.
Once I came to terms with how life altering this was for me, and took me as long as it did to recover (2 years and still counting), I noticed something else began to change in me as well....
....The letting go and forgiveness of other things in my life now. Things don't stick with me as much as they used to. Grudge's no longer have *much* of a meaning to me these days. When certain thoughts come into my head, I am able to channel or in some cases tune that 'noise' out now....and I feel better. I sleep better. I take into account things that are in fact more important to me (true friends, family, God). I don't wish to spend anymore wasted energy on negative things...so simply stated....I don't.
Am I cured? Am I skipping down the street singing songs and smelling all the flowers? No. It is a journey and there will be occasional obstacles and setbacks, but now I am starting to realize that 'forgiveness' is a pretty handy all-in-tool that can help build bridges to get over those humps.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
May 13, 2014
May 12, 2014
Growing (Part I)
Hopefully this post doesn't come across as conceited or pompous...it isn't intended to be...but I can understand how some readers may possibly think it, but bare with me.
I've had a recurring theme taking up residence within my head the last few weeks, and for years while the mere definition of this word seemed murky, the particulates of minutiae are finally starting to dissipate and/or settle, and my outlook on many things seem a bit more clearer for me today.
That word: Forgiveness.
As children, and throughout most of our lives I think most of us can agree that we were told that the morally 'correct' thing to do when wronged is to "forgive and forget", to "turn the other cheek". We say that we do and extend our hands to those that may have wronged us to 'shake on it', but I think most of us can agree it was obligatory and mechanical, especially if our parents were watching. We really didn't me it, did we? It was more about getting out of that exact moment, to make those around us happy, and put on the facade that all was okay, but in reality we were still angry.
And if I'm to be honest here, that's exactly how it went for me. I say I 'forgave', cracked a forced smile, but deep down inside I was filled with spite and the raw emotion of anger and despisement. I knew when to keep my mouth shut, but deep down inside I was harboring some dark and ill fated thoughts...but I have come to realize that the only person I was actually harming at this point was myself.
Various verses on forgiveness:
Now it isn't easy. That is fact.
I'm not sitting here and saying that one can instantly snap their fingers and have all those negative memories, emotions, feelings, hurts, anger, and the like be erased from either recent or long standing memory.....but we can choose to ask God to strengthen and support us when our worldly thought begin to drift that way.
So lets talk about some physical and psychological side effects of not being able to forgive:
Now look at my list (and your own), again. Do any of these sound like something God wants us to experience on an ongoing basis? Are any of these side effects a positive result of His teachings and how He wants us to lead our lives?
If we are lucky, we may have a life span of 75-85 years. Why would you want to spend any of that time, or even shortening your already precious life by not being able to forgive?
It's not easy, and I assure you thoughts will pop into your head at the most random times and attempt to rob you of that moment. It has happened to me countless times. It has happened on my commute to and from work, it has happened in the shower, it has happened while I was on a date, it has even happened while I was sitting in church! And I can tell you, these thoughts can become crippling if we allow them to.
So the key in understanding forgiveness, at least for me, is how am I going to 'react to' or 'handle' these thoughts, not 'if', but 'when' they occur.
I have spent the last two years of my life in various degrees of despair, hurt, anger, and more when I came face to face to the disingenuous person in my life. I listened to various untruths told about me, exaggerations, and bait-and-switches. I lost friendships. I lost family. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I watched as both an unwilling observer and participant as the world I knew around me collapsed by another persons undoing and their selfish acts.
And now I am expected to forgive that person? Because it's the right thing to do? Are you kidding me?
No, He wasn't.
Because even though I was blinded by justifiable anger and the deep feelings of wanting to acquire retribution, He knows me (and us) better than we know ourselves. He knows that without forgiveness, I have the potential of spending the rest of my mortal life suffering from the various side effects I outlined above....and who wants to be around that person?
He forgave me for my transgressions past, present, and future...and since I wish to spend eternity with Him...in perfect peace, where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death...then I need to start practicing my walk today, in the flesh. There are no second chances after I breathe my last breath here. Do I want to spend the next 20, 30, 40+ years in random fits of self-pity and anger like my grandfather did after his divorce? To never marry again? To never trust again?
No...God did not intend nor design us to live like that. We do so because this is a fallen world (by choice no less...thanks Eve..and Adam), and we must chose everyday how we are going to lead our lives, nit just for ourselves, but hopefully as examples to others for His glory.
To be continued....
I've had a recurring theme taking up residence within my head the last few weeks, and for years while the mere definition of this word seemed murky, the particulates of minutiae are finally starting to dissipate and/or settle, and my outlook on many things seem a bit more clearer for me today.
That word: Forgiveness.
As children, and throughout most of our lives I think most of us can agree that we were told that the morally 'correct' thing to do when wronged is to "forgive and forget", to "turn the other cheek". We say that we do and extend our hands to those that may have wronged us to 'shake on it', but I think most of us can agree it was obligatory and mechanical, especially if our parents were watching. We really didn't me it, did we? It was more about getting out of that exact moment, to make those around us happy, and put on the facade that all was okay, but in reality we were still angry.
And if I'm to be honest here, that's exactly how it went for me. I say I 'forgave', cracked a forced smile, but deep down inside I was filled with spite and the raw emotion of anger and despisement. I knew when to keep my mouth shut, but deep down inside I was harboring some dark and ill fated thoughts...but I have come to realize that the only person I was actually harming at this point was myself.
Various verses on forgiveness:
- If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matt 6:14-15)
- You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Col. 3:13)
Now it isn't easy. That is fact.
I'm not sitting here and saying that one can instantly snap their fingers and have all those negative memories, emotions, feelings, hurts, anger, and the like be erased from either recent or long standing memory.....but we can choose to ask God to strengthen and support us when our worldly thought begin to drift that way.
So lets talk about some physical and psychological side effects of not being able to forgive:
- Loss of focus on the here and now if we are mired and consumed of righting wrongs.
- Tension, high blood pressure, insomnia, fatigue, stress and even physical pain as our muscles tighten up inside and chemicals are released from the brain that may affect our thought process.
- Lack of joy, happiness, mood swings, possibly even depression.
- Carrying around burdensome thoughts for years (i.e. baggage) that may get in the way of forming healthy and positive relations with others.
- Possible feelings of guilt.
Now look at my list (and your own), again. Do any of these sound like something God wants us to experience on an ongoing basis? Are any of these side effects a positive result of His teachings and how He wants us to lead our lives?
If we are lucky, we may have a life span of 75-85 years. Why would you want to spend any of that time, or even shortening your already precious life by not being able to forgive?
It's not easy, and I assure you thoughts will pop into your head at the most random times and attempt to rob you of that moment. It has happened to me countless times. It has happened on my commute to and from work, it has happened in the shower, it has happened while I was on a date, it has even happened while I was sitting in church! And I can tell you, these thoughts can become crippling if we allow them to.
So the key in understanding forgiveness, at least for me, is how am I going to 'react to' or 'handle' these thoughts, not 'if', but 'when' they occur.
I have spent the last two years of my life in various degrees of despair, hurt, anger, and more when I came face to face to the disingenuous person in my life. I listened to various untruths told about me, exaggerations, and bait-and-switches. I lost friendships. I lost family. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I watched as both an unwilling observer and participant as the world I knew around me collapsed by another persons undoing and their selfish acts.
And now I am expected to forgive that person? Because it's the right thing to do? Are you kidding me?
No, He wasn't.
Because even though I was blinded by justifiable anger and the deep feelings of wanting to acquire retribution, He knows me (and us) better than we know ourselves. He knows that without forgiveness, I have the potential of spending the rest of my mortal life suffering from the various side effects I outlined above....and who wants to be around that person?
He forgave me for my transgressions past, present, and future...and since I wish to spend eternity with Him...in perfect peace, where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death...then I need to start practicing my walk today, in the flesh. There are no second chances after I breathe my last breath here. Do I want to spend the next 20, 30, 40+ years in random fits of self-pity and anger like my grandfather did after his divorce? To never marry again? To never trust again?
No...God did not intend nor design us to live like that. We do so because this is a fallen world (by choice no less...thanks Eve..and Adam), and we must chose everyday how we are going to lead our lives, nit just for ourselves, but hopefully as examples to others for His glory.
To be continued....
October 01, 2008
Reconciliations
Well, at least I have a glimmer of some good news as of late.
It appears that my neighbors recent seperation and possible divorce looks to be put on hold. I noticed his car in the driveway earlier last week and it was there the next morning.
Of course speculation was running wild throughout the block, but it was all hush-hush. I had a feeling early on that this may be possible despite what others were constantly saying.
Finally after a few days, the female neighbor sent my wife an e-mail saying they needed to talk. Of course, with much trepidation, humbleness and timidness our neighbor explained to my wife that she and her husband were going to try and 'work things out'. I am to understand that he has agreed to go to cousneling, and after being a way for a few weeks has perhaps 'woke up and smelled the coffee' and while much needs to be worked on for the forseeable future in terms of trust and emotions, he will be over there a few nights a week.
He, (and it is understandable as to why) is a little shy right now to face everyone on the street for I am sure what he sees as a grilling and the task of explaining his recent actions to all. I don't blame him. I'm nit exactly sure what I would do either. I'd like to think I'm man enough to go door to door and maybe lay it on the line on a one-on-one conversation with those that I felt were involved. In this manner, I'm gald I stayed out of it to begin with other than my advice to the wife.
On the other hand my own wife feels a bit awkward right now and has a small serving of self-imposed 'crow' to eat. This is one of the times where I tried to give my wife advice as to how involved she should get lest things turn around, but she went with her own feelings anyway, and now realizes that perhaps she got 'too' involved and now even feels more awkward than anyone else on the street that has moved back in. She gave me that look the other day that said "Don't tell me 'I told you so'. I know, okay."
I did run into him yesterday for the first time since everything went down about a month ago. All I could muster up was "Hey, I like you hair like that." (It was a little longer and did look good). I didn't want to bring attention to all the stuff going on in their lives right now, so I pretended that all was normal.
If and when he is ready to talk, perhaps he'll open up to me. I can imagine he'll need all the friends he can get right now with all eyes on the street currently on him.
The Lord recommends that we seek for reconcillation. He doesn't want any marriage or relationship to suffer. I hope His attention soon turns to me and my own wife. I'd like to think she learned some lessons in this recent situation next door, and for the first time since we've been married....she has been a little more open about her feelings and is able to admit some of her own flaws in our marriage. I suppose that's a good sign. I guess I'll take what I can get for now.
It appears that my neighbors recent seperation and possible divorce looks to be put on hold. I noticed his car in the driveway earlier last week and it was there the next morning.
Of course speculation was running wild throughout the block, but it was all hush-hush. I had a feeling early on that this may be possible despite what others were constantly saying.
Finally after a few days, the female neighbor sent my wife an e-mail saying they needed to talk. Of course, with much trepidation, humbleness and timidness our neighbor explained to my wife that she and her husband were going to try and 'work things out'. I am to understand that he has agreed to go to cousneling, and after being a way for a few weeks has perhaps 'woke up and smelled the coffee' and while much needs to be worked on for the forseeable future in terms of trust and emotions, he will be over there a few nights a week.
He, (and it is understandable as to why) is a little shy right now to face everyone on the street for I am sure what he sees as a grilling and the task of explaining his recent actions to all. I don't blame him. I'm nit exactly sure what I would do either. I'd like to think I'm man enough to go door to door and maybe lay it on the line on a one-on-one conversation with those that I felt were involved. In this manner, I'm gald I stayed out of it to begin with other than my advice to the wife.
On the other hand my own wife feels a bit awkward right now and has a small serving of self-imposed 'crow' to eat. This is one of the times where I tried to give my wife advice as to how involved she should get lest things turn around, but she went with her own feelings anyway, and now realizes that perhaps she got 'too' involved and now even feels more awkward than anyone else on the street that has moved back in. She gave me that look the other day that said "Don't tell me 'I told you so'. I know, okay."
I did run into him yesterday for the first time since everything went down about a month ago. All I could muster up was "Hey, I like you hair like that." (It was a little longer and did look good). I didn't want to bring attention to all the stuff going on in their lives right now, so I pretended that all was normal.
If and when he is ready to talk, perhaps he'll open up to me. I can imagine he'll need all the friends he can get right now with all eyes on the street currently on him.
The Lord recommends that we seek for reconcillation. He doesn't want any marriage or relationship to suffer. I hope His attention soon turns to me and my own wife. I'd like to think she learned some lessons in this recent situation next door, and for the first time since we've been married....she has been a little more open about her feelings and is able to admit some of her own flaws in our marriage. I suppose that's a good sign. I guess I'll take what I can get for now.
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
April 16, 2008
Rough Times
Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?
I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.
It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.
My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.
I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.
It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.
Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.
I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.
My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."
Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"
I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.
I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.
But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.
I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.
How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.
I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.
I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.
It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.
My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.
I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.
It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.
Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.
I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.
My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."
Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"
I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.
I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.
But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.
I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.
How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.
I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.
April 09, 2008
Evil behavior in youth.
"Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34)
I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.
A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.
I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.
I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.
But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.
But I digress from my original thoughts.
Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?
This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.
I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.
I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.
Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.
I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.
A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.
I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.
I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.
But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.
But I digress from my original thoughts.
Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?
This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.
I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.
I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.
Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.
April 03, 2008
Micahel Sewell revisited
I recently had the fortunate blessing of watching yet another Michael Sewell play, "Heart In a Box" and I was just as moved and impressed as I was when I first stumbled upon him by accident last year as a production at my church.
"Heart In a Box" is based on Mr. Sewell's own personal true life experiences and take the audience through his journeys of wild depression and how he got there to his attempts at suicide and finally the release of his burdens through the teachings of Christ and a new beginning at life.
I am in awe at the powerful, powerful message and I urge anyone who ever has a chance to see this 60-70 minute one man play to go out of your way and attend. I was very fortunate to have convinced my wife to attend as well, and I believe she enjoyed it though we didn't discuss it much afterwards.
Everyone can identify with a portion of the play with their own lives. I imagine in some cases some people can identify a lot more or closer to the material presented than others, or at the very least hopefully understand 'issues' that they may witness in loved ones or friends.
As much as I tried to be strong during the play, I did enivetably cry tears of self-conviction and remorse. While my own personal journey may have not as been as intense as Mr. Sewells, there are for me some very close parallels that I still cannot explain why Christ would show me mercy and forgiveness especially when I don't deserve it. I think my wife was silent because she could recognize some of those life struggles taking place within me, and maybe, just maybe there was an example in there that may have even applied to her to silently reflect on her own life's journey.
I'm sorry if I offend any Catholics reading this, but one thing as being raised as a former Catholic at a young age...the feelings of guilt are legendary and decades later I have problems shaking those base feelings that were indoctrinated at such an impressionable age. No, not all Catholics are like this, and there are plenty that do indeed know the Word and the Son for who they are, but self-inflicted guilt in the Catholic teachings can be gripping and crippling to some.
Earlier in the week I felt it was important to invite my neighbors to the play as well. I knocked on the door and spoke with the wife who is a self proclaimed aethiest. Her husband in a non-practicing believer who was sleeping at the time due to his wonky work schedule. I do pray for them on a regular basis. They are both nice and good people and have invited us over to their home and shared with us many a BBQ over the years and I hope that continues.
I let her know the play was free, no obligations, no strings attached, and religion would not be forced down their throats. "Look at it as a one man play that's over in an hour". She thanked me for the invitation and said she would get back to me later in the week.
I haven't heard from them since.
Needless to say I am a little saddened by this, and I don't want to push. All I can do is offer and pray and continue to try in the future.
Otherwise, I'd like to think my prayers, and hopefully yours for me are starting to work as well. My wife and my mother finally spoke this last week...which I suppose is a start. And I am happy to report my wife and I have been getting along very swimmingly this past week. She has been very nice and very cordial towards me, and very generous and giving as well.
These actions are appreciated, and I make it a point to let her know I am thankful. I thank her for the dinners she has been making, the work she has been doing, etc. I pray this continous as I enjoy this side of our relationship and her moreso than I do the other side that sends me in my emotional tizzies.
March 14, 2008
A request for prayer.
Friends,
I humbly come before you to request your prayers, for both the state of my heart and the behaviors of my spouse.
Last night was one of those nights that takes a single episode to help blow out any previous progress I think we have made together.
I received a call last night at 5pm from my wife who said she was going to go out with a co-worker for a 'couple of hours', and that she would call me before she left and see if I wanted her to bring me home dinner.
The first thing that went through my head before I even responded was..."Right...Yet another example of how drinks and cigarettes and social fun take precedence over your husband." But, she did call me and offer dinner and I said 'okay', not wanting to be the bad guy.
Well a 'couple of hours' turned into 6 hours. She arrived home somewhat after 11pm last night, without a single word of explanation. She had clearly been drinking too...not a beer or two, but she was clearly buzzed.
No, I received no phone call, nor any offer of dinner as previously offered. I kinda figured by 8pm I was on my own, so I made myself dinner and spent time with my dog.
I'm not sure if I am angry, hurt, disapointed, or whatever my emotional state is right now. We didn't speak at all this morning. She knew I was in 'deep thought', and of all things to say to me, she asked "Why are you crabby.", in which I responded "I'm not." I didn't want to fight this morning, nor argue. I also don't want to talk to her right now either.
I don't know why, I'd think I'd learn by now, but I'm always astounded on non-chalant her attitude is about her daliances. Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I just think these actions are beyond rude and show no respect towards me at all. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last. It's moments like these I wish I was not married at all. I think that sometimes my emotional state and mental health would be much better otherwise. I could tell her how much this hurts me, but I wonder what good it would do? My sife just doesn't 'get it', and I always end up looking like the bad guy....always. There is really something to be said for the saying of entering into a relationship with someone who is "equally yoked." I feel that my wife and I aren't, and I look book over the past 5 years and wonder if we ever were.
Not only does this single incident really bother me, but its the aloof attitude and pattern of these decisions as well. I will hear for days on end as to why she is so tired to walk the dog for 20 minutes, how much work she has, doesn't have time for church, how she never has any time.....and then I see she has ample time to be out 6 hours for drinking and smoking, she has ample time to go bowling 3-4 hours on Mondays,...basically, at least in my eyes.....she always finds the time when alcohol and influential friends are involved, and everything else takes second fiddle.
Yes, I'm venting a bit now, and sorry if I come across as a victim and ramble on. I'm requesting prayer that Christ help change my outlook, give me peace of mind and settle my heart, and continue with forgiveness and understanding. I also ask that prayers be extended to my wife as well, to help her realize this behavior, not just for my sake, but her own safety as well can be destructive. I do love my wife...I'm just not sure I like being married right now.
I humbly come before you to request your prayers, for both the state of my heart and the behaviors of my spouse.
Last night was one of those nights that takes a single episode to help blow out any previous progress I think we have made together.
I received a call last night at 5pm from my wife who said she was going to go out with a co-worker for a 'couple of hours', and that she would call me before she left and see if I wanted her to bring me home dinner.
The first thing that went through my head before I even responded was..."Right...Yet another example of how drinks and cigarettes and social fun take precedence over your husband." But, she did call me and offer dinner and I said 'okay', not wanting to be the bad guy.
Well a 'couple of hours' turned into 6 hours. She arrived home somewhat after 11pm last night, without a single word of explanation. She had clearly been drinking too...not a beer or two, but she was clearly buzzed.
No, I received no phone call, nor any offer of dinner as previously offered. I kinda figured by 8pm I was on my own, so I made myself dinner and spent time with my dog.
I'm not sure if I am angry, hurt, disapointed, or whatever my emotional state is right now. We didn't speak at all this morning. She knew I was in 'deep thought', and of all things to say to me, she asked "Why are you crabby.", in which I responded "I'm not." I didn't want to fight this morning, nor argue. I also don't want to talk to her right now either.
I don't know why, I'd think I'd learn by now, but I'm always astounded on non-chalant her attitude is about her daliances. Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I just think these actions are beyond rude and show no respect towards me at all. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last. It's moments like these I wish I was not married at all. I think that sometimes my emotional state and mental health would be much better otherwise. I could tell her how much this hurts me, but I wonder what good it would do? My sife just doesn't 'get it', and I always end up looking like the bad guy....always. There is really something to be said for the saying of entering into a relationship with someone who is "equally yoked." I feel that my wife and I aren't, and I look book over the past 5 years and wonder if we ever were.
Not only does this single incident really bother me, but its the aloof attitude and pattern of these decisions as well. I will hear for days on end as to why she is so tired to walk the dog for 20 minutes, how much work she has, doesn't have time for church, how she never has any time.....and then I see she has ample time to be out 6 hours for drinking and smoking, she has ample time to go bowling 3-4 hours on Mondays,...basically, at least in my eyes.....she always finds the time when alcohol and influential friends are involved, and everything else takes second fiddle.
Yes, I'm venting a bit now, and sorry if I come across as a victim and ramble on. I'm requesting prayer that Christ help change my outlook, give me peace of mind and settle my heart, and continue with forgiveness and understanding. I also ask that prayers be extended to my wife as well, to help her realize this behavior, not just for my sake, but her own safety as well can be destructive. I do love my wife...I'm just not sure I like being married right now.
December 11, 2007
You can't please everybody.
The Bible tells us that this ignorance is "willful" (Psalm 10:4). It's not that a person can't find God, but that he won't. It has been rightly said that the "atheist" can't find God for the same reason a thief can't find a policeman. He knows that if he admits that there is a God, he is admitting that he is ultimately responsible to Him. (- Ray Comfort)
Some time back I posted on my blog here I came across a site in regards to famous people who claim to be atheists. As I suggested then, and I stand by that now, I feel somewhat saddened for them all and bummed to find out some of the people I looked up to in life are non-believers.
The best I can do for those that are still alive today is to pray for them, because I believe all things are possible in His time and His will. The softening of hearts can indeed happen, and there are plenty of examples in the bible in which stated atheists found God later in life.
As Ray Comfort points out, ignorance is "willful", though this may sound a bit harsh. I can tell atheists that I too have been known to struggle. My faith has been questionable at times, and even though I do believe today, I'd be lying if I said the thought never occurred to me: "If there is a God, then why did X happen to me, or to Y, or how could He allow this to take place?"
Hey, I wish I had the answers. Not only for atheists, but for me as well. It'd sure make my life a lot simpler, or I suppose all of our lives simpler if we never had a reason to question God's existance or sovereignty over us all.
I received some comments from a person lately in regards to that post that simply said: "U Suck." Well, on some days I surely do. There are days I am deplorable and wonder why Christ would die for me, let alone anyone else, and ask nothing in return other than my love, and sharing that love with others. There are days I look in the mirror and cannot even love myself, and I've shared my anger and bitterness in regards to people around me and how 'unfair' life is.
So someone telling me that "I suck" multiple times, because I am concerned with the salvation of some very talented and influential people, in the grand scheme of things, does little to me. Oh, yes, if you're reading this, you did indeed cause me some ire; I am writing about it now aren't I? However, in the end all that be all, believe me, you have to do a lot better in your argumentative skills other than "U suck" to even begin to shake me. You can't shake someone who has already been at their lowest, 'cause I've already been there and knows how miserable life can be without God. And I'm not saying my life today is a bed of roses...not by a long shot. I'm still a new person in Christ, and admittedly I am not mature enough to debate anyone for that matter. How arrogant would I be if I claimed I could?
The one thing that you did indeed accomplish, is that you know have me praying for you along with praying for myself. And while I may continue to suck for quite some time in your eyes for caring for others eternal peace, perhaps one day we will meet, God willing, in the afterlife and we can share a hug and look back at this on how we first met and you came to know the Lord. Perhaps you will make my own faith grow stronger as well.
Some time back I posted on my blog here I came across a site in regards to famous people who claim to be atheists. As I suggested then, and I stand by that now, I feel somewhat saddened for them all and bummed to find out some of the people I looked up to in life are non-believers.
The best I can do for those that are still alive today is to pray for them, because I believe all things are possible in His time and His will. The softening of hearts can indeed happen, and there are plenty of examples in the bible in which stated atheists found God later in life.
As Ray Comfort points out, ignorance is "willful", though this may sound a bit harsh. I can tell atheists that I too have been known to struggle. My faith has been questionable at times, and even though I do believe today, I'd be lying if I said the thought never occurred to me: "If there is a God, then why did X happen to me, or to Y, or how could He allow this to take place?"
Hey, I wish I had the answers. Not only for atheists, but for me as well. It'd sure make my life a lot simpler, or I suppose all of our lives simpler if we never had a reason to question God's existance or sovereignty over us all.
I received some comments from a person lately in regards to that post that simply said: "U Suck." Well, on some days I surely do. There are days I am deplorable and wonder why Christ would die for me, let alone anyone else, and ask nothing in return other than my love, and sharing that love with others. There are days I look in the mirror and cannot even love myself, and I've shared my anger and bitterness in regards to people around me and how 'unfair' life is.
So someone telling me that "I suck" multiple times, because I am concerned with the salvation of some very talented and influential people, in the grand scheme of things, does little to me. Oh, yes, if you're reading this, you did indeed cause me some ire; I am writing about it now aren't I? However, in the end all that be all, believe me, you have to do a lot better in your argumentative skills other than "U suck" to even begin to shake me. You can't shake someone who has already been at their lowest, 'cause I've already been there and knows how miserable life can be without God. And I'm not saying my life today is a bed of roses...not by a long shot. I'm still a new person in Christ, and admittedly I am not mature enough to debate anyone for that matter. How arrogant would I be if I claimed I could?
The one thing that you did indeed accomplish, is that you know have me praying for you along with praying for myself. And while I may continue to suck for quite some time in your eyes for caring for others eternal peace, perhaps one day we will meet, God willing, in the afterlife and we can share a hug and look back at this on how we first met and you came to know the Lord. Perhaps you will make my own faith grow stronger as well.
October 18, 2007
Wrestling with Moral Character and Judgements
I happened to come across this story today on CNN.com in regard to a former Playboy Playmate Susie Scott Krabacher and her work today as to saving orphans in the country of Haiti. I suppose one of the reasons this article made the news was to help rpomote her new book "Angels of a Lower Flight."
The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.
In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.
I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?
But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.
And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?
I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.
But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.
I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.
I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.
The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.
In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.
I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?
But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.
And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?
I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.
But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.
I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.
I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.
October 17, 2007
A lesson in Forgiveness
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." - (Matthew 6:14-15)
I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.
When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.
Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.
On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.
Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.
When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.
About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.
His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.
This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?
You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.
As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.
Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.
I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.
When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.
Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.
On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.
Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.
When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.
About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.
His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.
This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?
You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.
As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.
Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.
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