Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.

Nervously calm

I have a strange feeling ovr my body today.

Although I am calm, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety in my chest today. The events of the last few days have made me so tired, that I finally couldn't stay awake any longer last night and hit the sheets at 9:30pm.

Barring from getting up once to use the restroom in the middle of the night, I more or less slept until 6:30am today.

My wife texted me numerous times yesterday, pleading for me to call her. After a few ignores, I responded to a text "You crushed me." in reference to the alleged affair. She called me, and I ignored the call. Her texts then turned somewhat ugly, and then finally admitted she did indeed go to a city back in January and lied to me and her daughter, but she denies meeting anyone there or having an affair.

I really don't believe for one second she drove 4 hours by herself, and then stayed by herself for 2 days. Remember, she was unemeployed at the time (and still is). She asked friends to cover for her. If she has nothing to hide, then why go through all this trouble.

She then texted she went to see a therapist. Awesome. so you go one time after kicking and screaming and denying and lying, and I am supposed to be impressed?

She then called me a second time last night at 6:30pm begging for me to call her.

Are you kidding me?

You have put me, your daughter, your family, and 1/2 your friends on ice the last 26 days, only texting when you feel like it, and now you want to talk on the phone? Hmmmm...coincidence that you found out I know about a possible 'alleged' affair and you're now calling me?

I'm busy today at work, which is a good thing. Idle time, leads to an idle mind, which is my own worst enemy. As "Anon" pointed out yesterday, it doesn't really matter anymore. The wheels are in motion. You will be served sometime this week if and when the process server can track you down.

Again, thanks for stiffing me on the taxes that you owe and I had to pay today on your behalf just to keep my name and credit clear of the IRS. Thanks for lying to me and your daughter and your family about your whereabouts back in January.

I so want to talk to you, but am afraid to because my mind and heart are torn. I still love you, but I refuse to be kicked down anymore. I love you, but your behavior disgusts me. I want to scream and yell, but what does that change? You are damaged and don't even know it. I'm so mad at you, but then again, you are sick...the alcohol has changed you and it's a disease and you are looking at the world from a lost point of view. I feel sorry for you.

Riding off into the Sunset...

Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.

I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.

I just am.

I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.

And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.

The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.

Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.

Let me go back a few days.

Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.

Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.

It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.

Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.

Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.

Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.

She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."

I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.

The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.

Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.

I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.

I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."

I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....

We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).

Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.

After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.

She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.

She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."

"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."

She started to cry.

I didn't care.

Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.

"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,

"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."

I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.

She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"

My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."

With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.

My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.

Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.

Wed update

It just gets better and better.

While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.

Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.

I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.

Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.

This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.

I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.

I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.

I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."

I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."

I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.

When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.

I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.

Nothing.

So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.

Al-Anon - my first meeting

I can honestly say, if you would have asked me some time back one of the last things on Earth I would ever expect myself to particpate in is any 12-step program, let alone based on the behaviors of someone else.

Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.

For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.

Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.

I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.

I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.

I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.

I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.

It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.

They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:

1. I want my health back. I don't want to lose weight via stress, have high blood pressure, be on Xanax, maintain my focus and mood.


2. I want my sleep back. I don't want to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering what the future may hold, feeling the anxiety keeping me up at nights, quieting my mind from all the scenarios I have no control over.


3. I want my spine back. This was the most important one to me. I explained that years ago I used to be a strong male figure. A leader. But over the course of this marriage (and not just because of alcohol), somehow, somewhere, someway, I lost my backbone and have become a doormat to the person I provide for. The love I have for my wife is not reciprocated nor appreciated no matter what I do and therefor I am torturing myself day-in and day-out. I want to wake up someday and say "NO....this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anylonger." A voice I used to have, but don't have now.

A few others (not all) voluntered their own stories, and I was surprised how similar they sounded to mine. Just change a few names, a few dates, and both the men and women here of diffrent ages were living my life as well.

Some may say that in itself may be empowering, but I'm not so sure. The only thing it told me is that people of all ages have screwed up marriages rooted in addiction, and the behaviors are all the same. It didn't make me feel better, but just sad for all the others expereincing the same degree of pain (maybe more, maybe less) that I am. I really wanted to pray for one man in particular who couldn't have been much older than me, but has two young daughters at stake with a young wife that has been in and out of rehab for years now....and he hasn't left her. He cried in front of us, and I could really empathize. I got him tissues and during the break, I told him don't be embarrassed...I cry all the time, it just so happens last night I told him I was dehydrated and my tear bank was empty.

Overall, it was just about sharing. No one tried to solve anything for anybody. No one was giving legal advice, or choosing sides. It was a group of people that were in love with someone who can't love themselves and we can't understand why. At the end, it felt a little morose, but I left with my head held up high and took a deep breath and went home.

I didn't even get into the wacky antics my wife pulled only hours earlier....I didn't want to even address them. I just took my shower, got in my pajamas (it was cold) and went to bed.

Today is the first morning I got up after sleeping pretty decent that I did not feel the need to pop a Xanax. And now hours later, I still feel okay. I mean that could possibly change, but right now, at least at this instant...I feel 'Okay'.