Unsaid Love

Anyone who says marriage is easy, I say they are not being honest with themselves or the situation. Even for the most evenly yoked personalities I cannot imagine there not ever being an 'off' day here and there. People are people, and people at their rawest aspects have tendencies of putting themselves first. Not sure if that is an outcome of the original sin, but I cannot see how it isn't at least tied to it in some way.

By our basic human natures, we are selfish to a certain level. Sure, there are those that can hide it very well, or at least appear to be unselfish, but somewhere along the line we all falter.

And to those that say that the key to a happy marriage is 'communication', I also say that sounds good until your spouse disagrees with you on any subject. To say ignorance is bliss is to sweep problems under the rug, to let them fester until resentment is born and harbored.

My wife and I have been married almost four years. I love her, however, I sometimes question what my definition of 'love' is. I even surprise myself that I haven't figured this out yet. There are days, sad to say, I feel that I love her more than others. Is it because I am not a great communicator in that emotional realm? Is it because we are not evenly yoked? Is it because I have not devoted my whole marriage to God, or because I let my own insecurities put up a wall around my heart? Because after a few years I'm bored? Because I'm depressed? Because I'm not generally happy and I let that bleed over into my marital outlook? Maybe because like any person, I sometimes get disappointed by her lack of actions or priorities.

Nonetheless, I suppose it's fair to say she feels the same about me on certain days.

I cannot recall if the Bible even mentions the concept of marriage in heaven....that is, when we die and are present in heaven, is marriage recognized between former spouses? There is no clear indication I am aware of, so I suppose I am strapped to contemplate what marriage means in my mortal form.

It's not always happy.

At least not for me.

Part of the problem is our lack of communication between us. I suppose some of that is based in fear. Fear that neither one of us wants to be up front and honest, lest it begins an epic argument neither of us wants to spend the energy on.

So we become complacent.

Complacency breeds emotional staleness. I've felt a bit stale lately. I know I love my wife, but sometimes I also feel as though we are actually just roomies, and that saddens me. We do do separate things on occasion, and we are both headstrong. Sometimes I feel as if I have had no support from her at all....like when I lost my job. I felt very alone. As a husband, that saddened me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. Sometimes I admit I even had resentment of our marriage because I felt she wasn't participating as I 'thought' spouses should act during trying times.

My wife tells me she loves me, and sometimes I admit, it doesn't feel like it phases me. Like the words have no effect because I jaded myself, somehow, somewhere, sometime.

I met my wife and some neighbors at a local watering hole the other day, not because I wanted to really be there, but for some reason I felt obligated to show up...though my heart wasn't really into it.

My wife excused herself for a minute to use the restroom, and my neighbors turned to me in her absence. "You know....Your wife really loves you. She talks about you a lot in a favorable manner."

I was stunned....and speechless...and digesting this information and not knowing how to respond. On the one hand, I felt very good and flattered. On the other hand, I felt saddened or some emotion somewhat analogous to it. I wonder why she doesn't express herself like that to me when we are alone? Funny, it doesn't feel like it at times.

Those simple heart felt words took on a totally different meaning when coming from a neighbor than out of the mouth of my wife. I feel guilt and ashamed to a certain degree....and elated...and confused on where our communications of emotions broke down. And are either one of us too stubborn to admit it and work on it.

Stress

The last few days it seems my stress levels have been slightly elevated, specifically in regards to personal finance and salvation.

While it seems these are two totally un-related subjects, there are portions of both that complex and seem to overlap.

Overall, I have less stress today than a year ago. No recent panic attacks. No shortness of breath. No severe tightening in the chest. But my sleep is a little restless, I tend to have more vivid and chaotic dreams as of late, and my patience with my wife and dome of her priorities seem to push my buttons just right.

Coupled with all that above, I've been reading a lot of Revelations lately, and subject matter on the various judgements, those being the Bema and the Great White Throne judgement. I've not only been thinking of my own salvation, but I have had a lot of random thoughts in my head regarding the salvation of my friends and families, and now complete strangers.

With the recent earthquake in Peru, the suicide bombings in Iraq, plane crashes, mine colapses, fires and random violence, it just seems as if hundreds are dying at any givin moments and I cannot help but wonder the state of their hearts and souls. I know Christ says not to worry about tomorrow, but I find that very hard not to do! I worry about a lot of things, including myself, and now complete strangers. While I don't think that is entirely bad, I also know it is becoming somewhat consuming and makes me unbale to relax. I really do need a vacation. Sure I could save money and buy something for our house, but it seems thats all I do......Save money for something that always seems to need to be fixed or replaces....yet I hardly spend any money on 'frivoulous' things like weekend getaways.

I was watching the BBC series Planet Earth, and I cannot tell you in those three hours how many wonderful things I saw that I woudl like to experince myself. There was a whole segment on Panda bears, and at the end of 20 minutes, I secretly now have a desire to go to China. Not to Hong Kong or Beijing.....but to go to the wilderness and see cherry blossom trees bloom. To smell what fresh bamboo smells like. Wierd?

I've had a glass of wine every night this week. There really is no reason why, other that the bottle is there, and at the moment there is a strong desire to have some. I don't even use a wine glass. I just pour it in a tumbler like I would a gin & tonic.

Last night my feet were sore. My body was aching from all the walking I do at work. By 9:30pm all I could think of was crawling in bed and having a peaceful sleep. I didn't make it to bed before 10:30, and I was sound asleep shortly thereafter. I had some not pleasant dreams....not really nightmares....but dreams that nonetheless made me feel uncomfortable, and they were spiritual in matter...that I am sure of. Visions of friends from years ago filled my mind. Some I haven't seen in 10 or more years...some even from high school, and all I knew was there was a feeling that their salvation was at stake. I awoke at around 2:45am and prayed silently. Not extactly 100% sure what I prayed for other than some peace of mind and one friend in particular. Maybe I should look him up and see how he is doing.

I finally got up this morning, and propably wasn't in the best of moods. My wife is delinquent on some bills that are supposed to be her responsibility, and to be honest, I don't try to pry to much on where her money goes. I do know that I feel her priorities are backwards at times, and she tends to put personal stuff ahead of marital stuff, and that bugs me to a certain extent. I've brought up my concerns before with what I consider valid examples and logic, but all then ends me up in is an argument. I often wonder how she would cope on her own if I or some other schlub wasn't around. Seriously, one thing that seems to keep our marriage everything that I think it should be is her non-prioritization of money. I notice that when it comes to certain bills, she often comes up short and the bill ends up in my lap, but she miracously has money to do things she wants in her social life. Her happy hour once or twice a week with her immature friends seems to take priority over more important things, and how dare I bring light to the situation lest I am holding finances over her head.

Yeah, my tone is a littel stronger today. A little un-christian like some may say, but hey...I'm human...and she ticks me off at times. Unless she walks a day in my shoes she has no idea how my mind and stress gets elevated.

Points to Ponder II

This has been on my mind for a few weeks as well, ever since I saw a play from Michael Sewell and his ministried regarding the Bema Judgement.

In one part of his play, Michael's character stands with 'all' those who were saved and not apart of the Great White Throne judgement or the Judgement of the Nations. The character narrates that he is but one person, or soul, gathered amogst all the other people who are awaiting the Bema Judgement from Christ, and he looks around himself and there are people as far as the eye can see, in all directions, awaiting their moment with Christ.

I never really thought of this before. The bible speaks of Bema Judgement as one event, not broken up into smaller segments over the course of days or weeks. 'Everyone' who is saved (that is accpeted Christ for salvation) appears at this time for a reckoning and accounting of their works on earth. (Cor 5: 7-10 & Rom 14: 10-12)

We're not talking hundred or thousands of people, we're probably talking on the scale of millions! Perhaps billions? Can you imagine billions of people all gathered shoulder to shoulder at one point, one event, for personal judgement! I dare say I cannot get my mind wrapped around this, but then again, once in Paradise or Heaven, the laws of physics, time, and space do not apply. Perhaps I will be standing next to people from other countries, from multiple era's, both from the far past and distant future, together, awaiting judgement.

I cannot seem to begin to paint a picture or concept on which this may look like. I don't think my brain is equipped.

Patience...I have none

One gift I have never, ever had has been patience.

Among my personal pet-peeves is repeating myself, explaining something when the answer is right in front of you, being late for any engagement, and to some extent...commercials of all things.

I was reminded yet again of my lack of patience yesterday while watching the PGA championship with Tiger Woods. This whole example is somewhat laughable as it is one big oxymoron, and I am quite aware of it.

One sport that I actually do enjoy watching on TV is golf. I like the occasional football game, but for a guy, you can seriously keep soccer, basketball, tennis, baseball and just about everything else. I do like some Olympic events, but for the most part, I really don't care about sports to much....except golf.

I like the pace of golf, I revel in the accuracy and focus of the game, and if anyone has really watched it, it seems that the announcers are as excitable as an NPR newscast. Okay, maybe that's a bit over the top, but the announcers do get a tad goofy over the most mundane facts.

Many people think that golf is a relaxing, slow paced game, often to help reduce stress, enjoy the day, the greenery, nature. I agree

But you take a slow game like golf, and you come down to the last few holes between Tiger, Eles, and Austin, and CBS can turn 5 minutes into a half hour. I found myself getting so irritated with the commercial breaks at the end because the tension was mounting and the came was getting close. Gameplay seemed like it was interrupted every two minutes by yet another lame commercial. I realized there was no one else around, and I had nothing else planned for the day, yet I was getting so antsy. I could feel myself clenching my hands and audibly chastising the television.

How can I expect the Lord to calm my spirit in serious matters when I can't even relax for a leisurely game of golf that has no impact directly on me?

I've been told countless times over the years from my family that I need to relax, that I need to learn patience, and I agree. I could give myself a heart attack or an ulcer or high blood pressure if I don't do something about it. I pray in regards to it, and it really has yet to be addressed either by me or God. I sometimes wonder if this has been a contributing factor to my panic attacks? The reason I took Clonapen? Amazing what a few milligrams of that stuff can do. Sometimes I wish I had an unlimited supply of that stuff, that anytime I even felt the slightest onset of angst, I could pop one....but I don't. And I'm pretty sure in the long run it isn't good for anybody.

Son of God vs. Son of Man

I took the following article from ChristianAnswer.net, this is not my own writing, but a comment I received moved me to search for more info. I hope this helps. I myself am muddling through it, as while it may answer some questions for me, it creates a few more as well.:



This sounds like some kind of contradiction at first glance, but in fact there is no contradiction. An examination of Scripture reveals that the phrase "Son of Man" carries broad significance.


First of all, even if the phrase "Son of Man" is a reference to Jesus' humanity, it is not a denial of His deity. By becoming a man, Jesus did not cease being God. The incarnation of Christ did not involve the subtraction of deity, but the addition of humanity. Jesus clearly claimed to be God on many occasions (Matthew 16:16,17; John 8:58; 10:30). But in addition to being divine, He was also human (see Philippians 2:6-8). He had two natures (divine and human) conjoined in one person.


Further, Scripture indicates that Jesus was not denying His deity by referring to Himself as the Son of Man. In fact, it is highly revealing that the term "Son of Man" is used in Scripture in contexts of Christ's deity. For example, the Bible says that only God can forgive sins (Isaiah 43:25; Mark 2:7). But as the "Son of Man," Jesus had the power to forgive sins (Mark 2:10). Likewise, Christ will return to earth as the "Son of Man" in clouds of glory to reign on earth (Matthew 26:63-64). In this passage, Jesus is citing Daniel 7:13 where the Messiah is described as the "Ancient of Days," a phrase used to indicate His deity (cf. Daniel 7:9).


Further, when Jesus was asked by the high priest whether He was the "Son of God" (Matthew 26:63), He responded affirmatively, declaring that He was the "Son of Man" who would come in power and great glory (verse 64). This indicated that Jesus Himself used the phrase "Son of Man" to indicate His deity as the Son of God.


Finally, the phrase "Son of Man" also emphasizes who Jesus is in relation to His incarnation and His work of salvation. In the Old Testament (Leviticus 25:25-26, 48-49; Ruth 2:20), the next of kin (one related by blood) always functioned as the "kinsman-redeemer" of a family member who needed redemption from jail. Jesus became related to us "by blood" (that is, He became a man) so He could function as our Kinsman-Redeemer and rescue us from sin.


Jesus: God or Man.



If Jesus died, How could he be alive today?

Random Happenings

The last 24 hours I have been under some mental duress, some of my own making, some not (but I guess I allow those incidents to really get my noggin spinning).

I'll admit, by the end of the day I was pretty tired. Both mentally and physically, but even after a long day at work, I had some chores to do at home in which I really didn't want to do, but they had to be done. I was hoping my wife would have offered or helped, but as the usual M.O. goes she was 'too tired'. Big suprise there. The thing is, I notice that when it comes to certain responsibilities or chores she is often always 'too tired', leaving me to do them. Par for the course.

This irritated me yesterday, and without going over the top and stopping myself short of getting into an arguement, I told her how I felt about her continous excuses. Seriously, it's always "It's too hot", "I'm too tired", "I have no money",....something. However, when it comes to my wife's personal social life, she miracously finds a reserve of energy to hang out with the neighbors, or scraped up some change for a few drinks. In fact, I pointed this out to her....that as long as it suits her or has some entertainment value for her (usually including a few drinks and a few cigarettes), she has no problem. She only has a problem when she is required to do something she perceives as a chore. Last night is was walking the dog. Yeah, this might sound very petty to you, but I don't understand when it comes to walking 'our' dog, she is always too tired to walk him 15-20 minutes, but she has plenty of energy to go bowling 4 hours every Monday night with her league. Oh, and she's going again tonight for a playoff...guess she has plenty of energy for that.

She wants me to get her a gym membership at $18 a month because she 'has no extra money', but when we talked about this bowling league, I was really not that surprised to learn that the social aspects of a few cocktails and cigarettes is about $50 a week, or $200 a month!! Well, I say....buy 1 less drink every Monday night, and you'll have your gym money.

So yeah, I was pretty worked up and angry last night when I walked the dog...like I usually do...and my wife knew it. She has a hard time apologizing, but she knows when she is wrong...so she made me a very nice dinner instead last night. That's my wifes way of apologizing and smoothing things over. The dinner was very good, but this behavior often baffles me. She'll spend an hour cooking a fabulous meal (one she wasn't intending to do), but she won't walk the dog 15-20 minutes. I don't get it.

So needless to say, I wasn't (and still aren't) feeling very spiritual at all right now, which lends you have some sympathy for me for what I'm about to discuss next....

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I received two comments on my 'Points to Ponder' post from yesterday, and I chose not to publish either one. (BTW: My second point to ponder is still forthecoming)

I want to say to the 'anonymous' poster, I read your comment a few times and believe that you do indeed take what you said very seriously. You had some scripture to back it up and I was impressed, however, I don't agree with you. Perhaps it is the way we interpret scripture, either from our own pastors, teachings, or exposure to different translations. While I did follow your point(s), I don't agree only because I believe that Christ is indeed God, but when he came to us in a 'transfigured' state, taking on the flesh of man, I believe He temporarily seperated his 'full nature' from Himself and the Godhead to fulfill prophecy. That He allowed Himself to take on the experiences of man so that he could be tempted, and thus defeat temptation (Bible states He was tempted in every way...just never succumbed to tempation and actual sin) and death itself. You stated that if Christ was God, and God cannot die, then Christ could not be God because He did die during His crucifixtion.

Well, I suppose at first glance, this does indeed look to be true. But to fufill prophecy, and give us the gift of salvation then a perfect sacrafice was needed and blood needed to be shed. He shed His blood for us so that he could conquer death itself and perhaps preach to those in in the bossom of Abraham who had dired before but did not have salvation until this point. He preached to those departed and gave them a choice. So I guess while His mortal shell seemed to have perished, He was preaching to the departed spirits, only to return to His flesh body three days later, and then rise into heaven where I now believe He stands next to the Father.

No I can't fully explain this, and like I said, you had some scripture to back it up, but so does the Jehovah Witness and the Latter Day Saints, but I think there are some translation issues with certain words and scripture and I don't agree with their interpretations either.

I wish I could talk to you more in my own confidence, but I'm a young and immature Christian in the word, and I cannot claim to understand everything I read right now. I wish I could, and I want to tell you; I have indeed been thinking about you today and wish I did have the proper words, but I want to thank you anyway and I will bring your points up with my own pastor to see what he says.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also received another comment, which directed me to a web page of an 'innaugural address'. It was 'amusing' to the say the least, full of holes in logic, and random mutterings of spaceships, MTV videos, and male slaves...all coming from someone proclaiming to be God already here on earth. Sorry, I think I knew after the first sentenence of your incomprehensible diatribe you were not my God. 'Nuff said about that.

Point to Ponder

This thought has been niggling me the last few day. It actually came to me in church where I usually sit alone in the back row (as my wife does not attend).

I've been craving the Word for a few days, very intensly, and the more I crave the Word, the more I notice my secular thoughts also coming to the forefront as if the enemy is taunting me and causing a distraction.

While the message of the day was coming from the book of Romans, I felt as if I could not focus at all. I was listening to the pastor, but it was not sinking in. As I usally do in these matters, I turn to the book of Revelations. I find that throughout my life I have had this, for lack of a better word, 'fascination' with escatolgy and the end times. Revelations scares me, though I know many Christians look forward to these times. I'm honest in saying I do not.

Anyway, I'm quickly getting off track here. Actually, I have two thoughts that have been on my mind as of late, and perhaps someone out there can give me a perspective (I'll describe my other thought in a future post).

Thought: When Christ became man and dwelled amonsgt us, He often referred to Himself as the Alpha & Omega, the Lamb, the Living Word, etc. I have no issue whatsoever in believing He is the Son of God and God himslef (part of the Holy Trinity), however, I ponder the times He prayed to the Father.

There are times the bible describes Christ feverently praying to the Father asking for deliverance from temptation and other things. A) Why pray to just the Father and not the Holy Spirit? It is my understanding that all three are part of the Holy Trinity, and only Christ became flesh foregoing part of Himself for a period of time to fulfill scripture, but did Christ ever pray to the Holy Spirit? Then B) When Christ prayed, was he indirectly also praying to Himself? If He proclaims to be God, and he prays to God, is this a circular statement/argument? I know He looked to the Father for answers, but was this only because He walked amongst man as flesh and blood? It would seem to me that there is a very fine line which I cannot distinguish in which Christ may be praying to Himself....There must be a theological answer to this,...I am sure there is...on faith, but I cannot come to a clear thought other than to just 'accept' it as is.

Happy Things

Yesterday was sorta weird. My thoughts drifted alot to shameful memories of my past, on why I am not a deserving Christian and scared of dying alone. I prayed a lot, many of my prayers incohesive jumbles of fragmented thoughts. I'm sorry for this...I regret that...why am I tempted so?

On and on and on this went throughout the whole day.

The one positive thing that came out of this was it was a very chatty day, at least on my end, to God above. On the other hand, I dwell a bit to much on my own salvation and worth. I began to think of my selfish nature, and then how miserable and cruel this world can be.

I stood again at one moment, and wondered what the heck happened to my plans, my life, my goals? When I was in college I had a vision of where I would be at 25, and again at 30, and other milestones in my life. Married. Children. Type of car I would own. The briefcase I would carry.

None of that happened, and I often wonder why.

I haven't completely come to grips or terms that my life, despite the promise of free-will, may not be exactly my own. That God has a plan for me, and perhaps it's not the plan 'I' dreamed of, but somehow, I trudge on, day after day. Is my life bad today? No. I am often thankful for what I do have, and know I feel ashamed and guilty when I complain and then am reminded that others around me deal with more travesty and trying times than I, and they still endure.

Late last night, I was flipping through the channels and came across the 1978 movie 'Grease'. I always stop at Grease. I'm not sure why, oh I suppose I can guess, but it is one of my all time favorite movies. I love the music and the story. There are certain songs that when I hear them, I am no longer present in this reality. When I hear these songs, I forget how much I dislike people, how the daily news troubles me, how my own life at times sucks.

'Sandy', 'Hopelessly Devoted To You', & 'Summer Nights' are my favorites followed by the title track. When I listed to the lyrics I can't help but wonder if I was born and raised in the wrong era. It just seems being a teenager in the 50's seemed so much easier and simpler than being a teen in the 80's. Born 30 years too late. If I was a teen in the 50's, I'd be in my late 60's now if I were still alive.

The 80's were a great decade too, much more interesting in terms of history and achievements when compared to the drug laden, free-sex, and Vietnam times of the 60's and 70's. I picture myself as having that clean cut look, a leather jacket, a nice muscle car, a beautiful girl in a poodle skirt. I think it was simpler in comparison to the 'Information Age' which we now live. Bombarded daily now with the Internet, sattelite communications, cell phones always ringing, 24 hour news feeds showing horrific images from around the globe.

Is that why depression may be more relevant today? My own theory that I am devising and crafting is that when people of the 50's weren't as accosted as modern day adults are by so much negative news.

Today we worry about everything....and why not? The sensory stimulation from TV, radio, computers, etc., never stop today, whereas in the 50's you only cared about the sphere you lived in extended out 100 miles or so. Today we are on the cusp of being truly globale and our own personal responsibilities seem to have grown ten-fold.

This is a whole other entry in and of itself, so I leave it be for now.

I'm just saying that the 'true-love' story of Sandy and Danny and the enviornoment back then just seems so much more innocent and harkens back to a more peaceful self.

Struggling With The Past

"For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." - I John 2:16-17, NIV

My thoughts seem a bit jumbled again today, and the more I think about it (that in and of itself seems like an oxymoron), the more I realize that my thought have been unclear, fragmented, and un-focused the last few days.

Memories of the past, whether I want to indulge them or not, keep flooding back into my head and while most have been pleasurable, they have all made me uncomfortable to one degree or another.

I've been allowing my family life, dealings with neighbors, and those I come into contact with to get under my skin again, and in the end my emotional state feels as if it is slowly drifting towards exhaustion.

Some of my most recent thoughts have brought me back to "false-happy" times, those teen years and early twenty experimental years where drinking, girl chasing and secular activities were the norm. My mind and my physical body sometimes misses those things....the thrill, the adventure, the highs. On the other hand my re-awakened spiritual side wishes to banish many of those thoughts, for I wish to exist in the now, not the past. But clearly at times, it feels as if the past, at least on the surface, was so much more appealing.

My love life back then seemed exciting and full of action....what any young man would like, and often brag about. But when I really think hard, and peel back the layers of those relationships, I recognize that many were unhealthy....full of drama, negative emotions, arguements and never ending struggles. It seems that for every one positive memory that dominates my frontal lobe, there are a half a dozen negative ones I have tried to suppress.

How many tears of my own have been shed over heart-break, and believing there were emotional connections which turned out only to be surface attractions and nothing more.

It's amazing how the Enemy can take a simple thought, a memory almost 20 years olds, and taunt me daily, almost hourly. I pray to be stronger, but sometimes that strength isn't readily apparent to me. My thoughts cave in, and again, I am living out small episodes in my mind like they were yesterday, vivid in all their lurid details.

The verse I quoted says that the desires of the world will one day pass, however, not likely while I am still alive. Only through mortal death will my cares and wants of this realm be replaced by something I cannot even begin to comprehend. Sounds nice, but I'm still stuck with these thoughts now.

In many 12 step programs, I often hear recommendations that the person seeking recovery go back and face head on those that he/she may have hurt or were involved at one point to face their fears head on, and in some cases, apologize. I wish I had that will power. I want to apologize to a great many people, mostly women with whom I have had relations, but I'm scared and I'm not even sure how sorry I am at times. Perhaps my apologies may fall on deaf ears if that other person still plays within the secular world.

I wonder why my thoughts have become taunted by these memories lately? Why now, after all these years do I think of this person or that person and the relationships we had? Does this contribute to my current state of restlessness in which I cannot concentrate at home, or find myself getting irritated by those around me. I don't wish to bring these stories up with those close to me now, because I don't think they can relate, and I'd probably do more harm than good.

So I wallow in a different type of depression now. Not one of chemical imbalances of the brain, or feelings of hoplessness and despair, but of physical emotions of broken hearts and pleasures of the flesh. I remember hearing years and years ago that a man's sexual peak was his late teen to mid twenties. I'd like to argue that as sometimes the desires of the flesh seem so much more strong today than they did all those years ago.

A little pent up irritation

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil" (Psalm 37:8).

The last few days, I've been feeling a bit on edge about my house. Certain circumstances and behavior of immediate family members of which I live with (including even some of my own) have made me very aware of my moodiness.

I'm not sure where my moodiness is currently originating from. I can take a stab at a number of things that seem to be getting under my skin, but I'm also having a hard time venting properly or expressing my feelings to my family...more so in fear of starting some argument...so for the time being I am keeping these ill feelings within my mind and behind pursed lips.

The trouble with that is that my feeling are not subsiding with time, but seem to be mounting, and I'm afraid I'm going to snap at someone very shortly in not such a nice way.

Part of me knows that I also haven't been spending too much time in prayer about this, or turning it over to Christ. I feel sometimes that I'm back at square one, once again trying to control and fix things that deep down I cannot. But I look at my family sometimes and wonder "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you thinking?" But in most cases they aren't thinking at all. No one person is perfect, even me, lest we wouldn't need God's grace and forgiveness at all. However, there are moments it seems I must count silenty to ten in my head and take a deep breath before I say something I'll regret. Problem is, I've already thought it so I'm not 100% sure it did me any good not to say it, because when I bottle it up inside, it gnaws on my mind (note: not heart) and festers like an ugly cancer.

A lot of negative emotions begin to float around inside and then I have trouble pinpointing excatly which emotion I am actually experiencing. Sometimes it feels like anger, other times sadness, irritation, moodiness, crabbiness, disdain, exaspiration, frustration, and many others.

And it centers around my home. There are times as of late I really look in the proverbial mirror and wonder "What did I get myself into?" "Was I really this stupid and naive to think everything would always be perfect?"

I close my eyes and dream about far away lands and places. Freedom. Quietness.

That seems to be a recurring theme to me.....I just want things...quiet...and on my terms. I want to come hoem one day and not be faced with the drama at the moment. Watch a little TV with no interuptions, no phone ringing, no door knocking. I don't want to listen to my daughters attitude or scold her for acting irresponsible and selfish every 10 minutes. I can't help but wonder what goes through her head at times and realize that she is totally unaware of her actions. But that suprises me even more....How can you not realize what you are doing and saying for Pete's sake? But it's not just her. It's my wife. It's me. It's the neighbors. It's the dog. It's many things both big and small, and in the end.....in the big scheme of the universe that God has created for all of us....they are trivial matters. Yet I forget that, and don't treat them trivially.

I still don't take my 'happy pills' right now, but I do indeed get tempted.

What really tempts me is the bottle. How easily I think, I could slip right back to numbness with a small tumbler and ice. I make a justification even I am at war with myself over: just one or two drinks will calm me down. But two turn into three that turns into more. Then my tongue might really become loose.

Do you see the maddening cycle? Maybe you do not. It appear it may only be in my own mind and thought, and sounds attractive. But this is not God's way. It can only lead to bad things if I allow it to. My anger and feelings are festering and I'm not re-directing these energies correctly until I sit down like now and think about them. I don't know why I am wound up right now. I'm not sure why I ''really" don't want to go home. I just don't.

I'm going to stop this entry now, for I feel I can ramble on and on and on if allowed to.

Celebrity Atheists....bummer

Yesterday I came across an Internet site that proclaims to have a list of notable people, i.e. celebs, who have come out as non-believers. They went as far as to include excerpts from previous interviews whether in print or other media to substantiate their claims, however, they did note that a few celebs seem to flip-flop from time to time.

While I expected to see a few names, which I did, I guess I was more surprised by a few names in which I didn't expect, and I am deeply saddened and bothered by these personal revelations. For some, like Katherine Hepburn, it's too late...she passed away within the last few years. For others, they are quickly entering the twilight of their lives, and some on the outside seem like very nice and even some level headed people.

Some comments from interviews really chilled me, and I'll never be able to look at that persons works again in the same light. For example, Amanada Donohoe. I think she is a fine actress, and I've enjoyed some of her previous works, however, in learning she was very outspoken about her atheism and even said she took personal enjoyment (outside from what the script required) from spitting on a crucifix with Jesus on it for a movie role some years ago have now completely turned her off for me.

A few saddened me like Ron Regan Jr., son of former president Ronald Regan. While I believe his dad is with God now, I'm troubled to learn that his current thinking's will have him separated from his father in the hereafter.

Besides being in the absence of God for eternity after death, which in and of itself is a tantamount bummer for me, I also have some selfish reasons for my disappointment: There are some brilliant, fascinating, engaging, charismatic persons on that list I was hoping to meet and share time with in heaven someday. There were a few authors in which I have read their fictional works (ex: Arthur C. Clarke), some actors whose movies I treasure and adore (ex: Jack Nicholson, Ian McKellen), and the chances of me ever meeting them here in my life are nil. Now I fear I will 'never' enjoy any one-on-one time with them.

I'd like to pray for them all, but there is only too much time in the day and my memory is only so big when it comes to recalling so many names.

I'll be honest in saying I did have a few fleeting thoughts that crept into my own mind that began to express doubt about the existence in God and Christ. I must have belief in my own faith, and pray for spiritual strength and encouragement. Maybe I need to search for a list of famous celebrities who do believe in Christ to help asuade my thoughts, for I cannot believe all these people are atheists. How can this be I ask? They are so talented and smart...where do they think these gifts come from?

My immediate concerns are for my own salvation, and then that of my family, and then of my friends, and then of my associates, etc....sorta like an ever expanding sphere with me in the middle. That may seem backwards to some, but it works for me and my mind.

My prayers are simple then, as God knows my heart and knows who I care about....even the celebrities that matter to me. An encompassing prayer that may help them see learn the truth before its too late.

In a way, this whole topic begins to depress me, and weighs heavy on my heart for those who will never even know my own name that they be saved, and it appears there is little chance of that.

A tinge of Anger

I've been a little grouchy the past few days, and while I am aware of it, and have prayed about it, I slipped yesterday and snapped at my step-daughter and swore as well.

It would just be an excuse if I said it was because I was tired or a little under the weather lately, (both are true actually), but I have felt extremely sensative the last few days and have taken personal note that my fuse has been a little shorter than unsual as of late.

I've been taking a little cocktail of prescribed drugs lately for a rash of hives I have been exhibiting lately with no known cause. Yup, I have had an allergist administer a scratch test, and I have had blood drawn, and both came back as 'normal'. That's part of my personal frustration is that I know, as well as the doctor, that these hives are 'not' normal, but we cannot seem to pinpoint the root cause. In the meantime, in order to get them under control I take various anti-histamines, and anti-inflammatory meds as well as some steroids. Long story short.....they make me tired, I don't sleep very well, the hives don't go away very quickly, and we don't know what causes them.

Mix in the fact I have allowed both my wife and step daughter get under my skin as of late because fo my own mood, and I constantly find myself slowly counting to 10 in my head lest I blow up. I sometimes wonder if this is natural, or because I am so sensative to the fact that I'm a 'hot head' as a carry over from the chemical imbalance thats spurs my depressive episodes.

I know one thing.... I didn't want to go to church at all yesterday. I just wanted to stay in bed or perhaps enjoy a cup of coffee in my self imposed solitude, but my spirit got the best of me and I went anyway....more so out of guilt. But I am so glad I did.

There was a guest speaker there who illustrated the 'Bema' judgement in such a way that it brought me to tears. That's why I sit in the back of the church. I get so emotional at times, I get embarrassed and my own pride doesn't want to show others how easily I can cry.

I often wonder about that too. Why I am so easy to come to tears? I'm a big guy. In the past, people have often called me a leader, someone with intelligence (notice I emphasize 'past'). Now I cry and I don't want people to see I am losing it.

My tears were a double sword yesterday. They were tears of joy knowing what Heaven and Christ will bring someday, but at the same time, I had tears of guilt....of what a sinner I have been and still am....that only by God's grace will I be allowed into heaven, not on my own volition.

I admit, I still remain puzzled and in awe that Christ promises that whoever believe in Him and call him Lord will have entrance into heaven. I keep wondering "What's the catch", because that almost seems too easy. I cannot easily imagine that I will be welcomed, or anyone for that matter short of Mother Theresa. And even more so, there will be no more tears as He will wipe them away, and if there are any tears at all, they will be tears of joy, not sadness.

I have a hard time contemplating that. As someone who know his own sadness, lonliness, bitterness and depression, I have a hard time imagining a place where these terms are actually foriegn.

Anyway, yesterday we were all a bit moody. Maybe at varying degrees at varying times, but my step-daughter made an 'off the cuff remark' to me in which my already short use was suddenly lit and could not be extinguished. I lashed out the best way I do.....fast, explosive, and with a swear word. As soon as my own remarks left my mouth, I was instantly ashamed that I allowed that to happen. Even though my wife took my side and told her daughter to mind herself, that surely didn't excuse my own behavior.

It's been plaguing me all day today as well. I've probably prayed a handful of times since yesterday to excuse my actions, but I don't really feel absolved. I am sorry, but I think it's my own feeling of being ashamed that I cannot let go of.

CNN had this article today about Antidepressants are the most prescrived drugs in the U.S.

The CDC study suggests at 2.4 billion drugs were prescribed to doctors and hospitals in 2005, and of those 2.4 billion, 118 million were for antidepressants. That's more than drugs prescribed to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma and headaches.

The study also seems to indicated that 25% of adults will have a major depressive episode in their lives, as will 8% of adolescents.

So many thoughts come to my mind when I read the article: Is it a sign of the times? Are people, seriously more depressed today than 20, 50, 100+ years ago? If, so, why? Is it because Americans are being conditioned that drugs are the answer for even the simpleset mood maladies and looking for an easy way out? Or, is it because this world mired in its corruption and ignorance and shunning of God the reason? Is it possible with more and more people neglecting their spirituality an their eternal souls, that they are sucumbing to Satan's seeds of hoplessness and thus creating a society of listless, depressed people?

Yeah, that may sound a bit crazy, but I personally think there is some truth to my logic. I know when I am depressed, the first thing I did was forget about God. I tried to control things. Instead of asking for God to intercede and take on my burdens, I tried gaining back control, and failed. This led to even more mounting frustrations.

These frustrations and hurt then drove me to drink, and have heart hardening thoughts. For others, they may look to recreational drugs, or a wanton attitude towards other things including family, careers, friends, etc.

I truly believe that Satan will do what ever he can to take our focus of God and His promises, and I'll be the first to tell you, he often gets me. The problem is, in the 'moment' I really have to be conscious of Christ otherwise I fall faster than a lead brick.

Are we 'depressed' as a culture because we are looking for a easy way to get by instead of taking responsibility for our actions and those that are directed towards us from the world? Are we depressed because we have yet to truly 'commit' to the Lord even though we say we did, and therefor the Holy Spirit is not indwelled within us? Have we foresaken the gifts of God that He gives to us for free? Or is there really a tangible and growing influx of chemical imbalance in our heads?

If it is indeed the chemical imbalance, what causes it moreso today than before? Is it only because we can measure it better today, because we understand our brain and science better, or is the world really becomming much more agressive, crowded, and unforgiving?

I think it's all this and more.

The last week had been a struggle again for me. I have faltered a few blatant times as a Christian, often realizing only after its too late, and thus can only ask for forgiveness instead of asking God to remove me from temptations. I am off the drugs right now....Lexapro was my friend. But I'm not suggesting if you are depressed to get off them because God is the answer.

A pastor once told me that God gave intelligence to doctors for a reason....to create drugs that will help mankind. And it is quite possible that Prozac, Lexapro and the like are God's blessing to those who truly do suffer, but like all things, they can be abused. Remember, the scientists who created these drugs were given a gift from God on how to better understand the brain, its emotional states, what goes wrong, and possibly a way to alleviate some issues, ergo, the creation of these meds.

Anyway, not really sure where I am going with this, but check out the article.

Disturbing Dreams

Like most people, we all have our share of disturbing dreams.



When I was younger I experienced the same nightmares most children do....scared of being lost, of certain montsers or insects, etc. When I was a teenager and in my 20's, my dreams often got more violent....things like death were a repeating occurance. I often saw myself getting stabbed, or being in a horrific car wreck, or plummeting from great heights.



And even older still, I am convinced that Satan (or a minion thereof) has revealed himself (itself) to me in the stages between actually slumber and being awake. There seems to be varying opinions if Satan can actually manipulate our dreams as he is not omniscient, but he can plant seeds of doubt, despair, and fear so as when we do fall asleep they can wreak havoc on our minds and heart.

Anyway, I had a distrubing dream this morning which has burdened me with guilt though the actions performed never took place.

The bible doesn't say much about dreams, that is, in regards to their purpose and how to interpret them. The bible only mentions dreams when it comes to certain events or certain personalities and they served a greater purpose than filling the time between being awake and slumber.

So I had a very disturbing dream this morning which involved my wife.

We were arguing about who knows what, and despite my visual queues and request to stop, my wife continued to 'push my buttons'. At one point as I walked past her, she pinched me on teh rear, and not in a loving way. It hurt and was meant to.

It was this last action which was the straw that 'broke the camels back.' I was going to show her what a 'real' pinch felt like if she wanted to play this game.

Like a parent who grabs their childs nose in an innocent game of "I got your nose", I reached out and grabbed my wife by the nose.

And squeezed.

Squeezed so hard she screamed and began to bleed profusely.

Using only a fraction of my strength, I caused more damage in 5 seconds than my wife could ever do using all her strength at any given time.

As quickly as I lashed out and did this, I just as quickly realized what I did was wrong and I was instantly wracked with guilt. The damage was done, and there was no amount of apologizing that I could do that would fix this this. I let go and she scurried into the bathroom in tears and blood. I followed up behind her feeling laothesome inside, on how I could stoop so low. I began to beg for forgiveness, but I quickly awoke.

I laid in bed for a minute trying to collect my thoughts. It was quiet, but my mind seemed to scream out at me: How could you do that? What have you done? I had no answers other than the feeling of raw guilt pouring out of me and quickly prayed to God above to calm my spirit.

It has been bugging me all day today. I often wonder what purpose dreams have in God's design if not meant for some message from Him or some other divine purpose. I could do without those type of dreams.

Animals....Part I

God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:25)

I'm not sure why God has placed it upon my heart and soul as of late, but I have become somewhat more sensative towards animals, more specifically, common pets. I guess because of their social connection with people as a learned trait we as humans have cultivated over the centuries.

While I do think about wild animals, and their plights, I guess I am more empathetic to domesticaed animals with a higher degree of emotion and intelligence like dogs and cats. That's not to say I don't appreciate a nice fish tank, or those with reptiles, or even birds....but there is something about dogs and cats that just seemed more evolved on an emotional and reasoning plane than other domesticated animals. I suppose the same could be said for horses and other mammals, but because of their size, and my little exposure to them I don't have the same connection with them. I suppose that could and would change if I worked at a stable, or grew up on a farm, but that's all hypothetical.

I puzzle at God's initial plan and design of animals. With humans, we are of one species divided amongst many races. But in the end we are but one species, and God gave us dominion over all animals, sea life, birds, etc. But we fell into sin, whereas I think animals are incapable of sin. Their actions are based upon instincts that are hard-wired from the Creator. Scientists have further gone on to determine that some animals (and insects) have higher brain functions than others, and even have some semblance of basic emotions....not to the complexity of human beings. They may experience fear, anger, desire, survival, etc...but not things such an envy, jealousy, betrayel, lust, etc.

I am further puzzled that God once said he was displeased with his creations prior to deciding to flood the earth in the time of Noah. Other than those creatures that made the trip on the ark, it is said that God wiped out ALL living things. I can understand the demise of wretched human, who were of sin nature, but I cannot fathom his dire sentence cast upon animals. What did they do wrong? I do not believe God makes mistakes, so why was he displeased? Seems rather harsh to me, and I cannot even begin to process this to make a justifcation on His behalf. I just accept it as truth based upon my faith.

As a child, I never had a dog. I had a few fish, a few parakeets, even a hamster. They were fine pets, but I never felt reciprocation of love and comfort from any of them....well, maybe my hamster was the closest thing to showing me some response, but all in all I never experienced what movies and books and poems and more describe as 'mans best friend' or a bond with an animal. I even grew up not caring for cats that much. To me, they were lazy, full of attitude, smelt like amonia, and their dander made my eyes water and my nose stuffed. Like most men, I didn't have a positive reaction when shown a cat.

While I am still not their biggest fans, my stance has definetly softened, and I do look at them somewhat differently today.

When I was on my medications.....and in emotional turmoil....and feeling abandoned by my friends, my family (which weasn't true....it just felt that way), and God (also not true...but still I felt alone) it was my dog that sat on my lap when I cried for hours at a time. He did not judge me...all he knew was his master was hurt, that something was not right, and while he could not talk to me...his actions and his demeanor spoke volumes. I may not have always recognized it at the time for I was spiritually in shambles, but now when I look back I cannot help but realize that my dog was there as a companion, to weather my own personal storm by my side when no one else could. People wanted to always talk to me in cliches, give me upbeat speeches, platitudes on life and 'master plans', and all these things did not do much for me at all.

It was the unsaid words, the silent actions of my dog, who curled up next to me and kissed my hand and wagged his tail between my sobs who sometimes jolted me out of sinking even further. It was during these moments, my bond strengthened with my dog even more so than that of friends and family members....even to this day.

It is with these actions that my thought process of animals and their role in Gods overall plan changed. For all my life I thought of animals as either 'cute' pets, or food, or organic machines of labor....never as an extension of my own soul and emotion. While I once read about clinical studies of animals and the sick and elderly and benefits derived from animal visits, I never once experienced this myself first hand and could identify their theraputic effects.

But in those certain moments now, when all is quiet, and my dog looks at me, or sits in my lap, or follows me about the house, or begs for my attention....when he does have my attention and I look within him, I swear I see and feel the strength and love of God that He has imbued within this animal. It's as if I see beyond his eyes, and peer into something I can't just put into words.

To be continued......

New Links

I added two new links today.

Actually, one link, and one donation widget to the ASPCA.

PuppyTherapy.com is a site they describe as: "Puppy pictures make the world a happier place." I couldn't agree more, as dogs (and even cats) have an unfathomable and limitless amount of unconditional love for their owners.

I know for myself, my dog really got me through some rough patches. When I felt lost and hopeless at times, when I didn't want to hear from any otehr person, it was only through my dogs companionship and attention towards me that I saw the love of God staring back at me. That may sound a bit strange, but his (my dog) devotion to me reminded me so much of His (my Lord) attempt to comfort me and recognize that I wasn't myself.

In an additional attempt to find some meaning to my life and all the craziness that surrounds me, I have come to realize over the last few months how important domesticated animals are to people. I know 'domesticated' sounds so 'clinical', but sometimes I am at a loss for regular wording. I just know that since I have had my dog, he has revealed so much more to me about myself, me feelings, my emotions, and more and I recognize more of God's creations and His own love for us through my pup.

I recently heard a radio ad in which a "Counsler" type suggested that people take precidence over animals, and if it came down to a choice, people should always come first. I guess at a high level viewing of that statement I would have to agree, but over time, my viewpoint and opinion changes depending on the person and/or situation. After I watch many of Animal Planets shows, I am appalled and embarrased and ashamed on how some people treat their pets. If God asked me to chose between a person and a pet, sometimes I'd be hard pressed to make a decision. People are sinful in nature, whereas pets are not. I have been let down so many times by people, including those that are blood related and best friends, I lack a certain amount of 'faith' anymore, or allegiance to people. I don't have that problem with animals.

Anyway, I have included a link below to raise money for the ASPCA. It is a wonderful organization that is a non-profit entity thats sole purpose is to help end cruelty to animals, and find nice homes for potential adoptees. They also help in animal education, and perform medical procedures and treatments to animals that otherwise may die or suffer.

I am seriously considering devoting some spare time of mine as a volunteer to this organization, but I also know I am very emotional. As much as I want to help animals, I know I get attached very easily. Even now, I find myself in tears at times watching these shows, and I cry for the animals that are suffering or are abused or neglected. I so much want to help them all, but I knwo I cannot. I fear the emotional strain on myself would also put me back in a downward spiral. However, I thank God so much for my dog and his creations, but I do wonder why he allows them to be put in situations where man causes harm.

So, even if you have $5 extra dollars, please click the link below and help me reach my goal of $500.

Father's Day

I've been a step-father for four years now, and father to my pooch for two, and I never really think of myself as a father on a day-to-day basis. My wife and I once tried for children, and I would still like to have my own, but I guess it is currently not in the cards for us, or for me, for that matter.

Sometimes this makes me very sad. There are times I think I am not 'complete' because I do not have any biological children of my own. I can empathize to a certain to degree with women who feel they aren't complete either because they haven't experienced motherhood.

Yes, I think about all those movies and books I cannot share with my son, or the dance recitals of my little girl. The training on how to ride a bike, or that first lost tooth, or that first ball catch. The fact that I cannot give my daughter away at her wedding, or share a beer with my 21 year old son, and finally to be my own grandfather. Seems like that is a part of life that I will never explore, and that does make me sad.

My step-daughter is 15 years old, and we only have her every other weekend. Soon, she will be moving out of state with her dad, and our visits will be further and further apart. She only recently began to call me dad, and I have to say, I do like the ring of that.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't help but shake the feeling that my life in incomplete because of this fact. There are many adults who relish the fact they don't have children. I guess the only time this thought crosses my mind is I wonder how good of a father I may actually might have been. I would like to think I am capable of being a very good father. A loving father. One my children would be proud to have.

On the other hand, I'm a little thankful I don't. Why? Because I never would like to witness my child knowing his or her dad was on the verge of a mental breakdown. That at times it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, to face the day and its responsibilities without secretly wishing to cash it all in. I don't want them to know why daddy cries for no apparant reason, and sometimes I feel as if I could fail them. Not on purpose that is, but to see their protector cringe at the world and run away in fear.

Regardless of those insecurities, I had a very pleasant Father's Day yesterday despite a raging headache I acquired late in the day.

I awoke early in the morning to a strong and fragrant cup of coffee, and my dog sat in my lap in the quiet hours as my wife and daughter continued to sleep. This allowed me to read for a bit, a hobby I wish I could do more of.

When my wife finally awoke, she made some great cinnimon buns. I normally don't eat gooey stuff like that, but yesterday, it just felt, tasted, and smelled so darn perfect. It was then I had a moment of clarity that I cannot really put into words. It was at that moment in time everything seemed perfect....as if I had no care in the world...and everything was going to be okay. I cannot give that feeling enough justice in description, suffice it to say, it felt as if I were not myself.

As I sat on the couch again, my daughter brought me a gift. It was signed from my wafe, my daughter, and my dog. The card was cute. And for the first time, in a long, long time....I truly believe my wife put some thought into my gift. It was one of the most thoughful and nicest things I have ever received from here and I was not only impressed, but touched.

Later that day I planted a tree. Seriously, I planted a citrus tree in my backyard, and I hope to watch it grow over the next few years and provide me with juicy splendor and abundance, not to mention shade and color to my otherwise spartan yard.

Even later still, both sets of our parents came over for dinner. As I BBQ'd, my wife made many of the side dishes and we all had a great time visting, despite my headache. I think my father and father-in-law enjoyed themselves. And to top it all off, I had a very hot shower and a peaceful sleep last night.

Suffice to say, today is full of pleasant memories of yesterday.

If only I had more of those days.

Adding Bible Gateway Link

I kinda sat here this morning looking for some inspiration in the book of James, or any topic as of late that concerns my life, but it seems as if I am drawing a blank.

That's not to say that things have calmed down completely, but my head feels a litte 'grey' this morning and I'm having trouble focusing on 'one' clear thought. It seems I have 'revelations' at the oddest times, and they are never when I am near a PC when I can let my mind flow.

So instead, I figured I'd add some code this morning to a website that can access different versions of the bible. It helps me specifically if I want to look at the diffrences between NIV and NAS versions, but there are quite a few other version as well that can be accessed.

Enjoy.

Turning a Corner

"Cause I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared

Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care" (lyrics from A Different Corner - George Michael)

I know it's been a over a week since my last post. It's been lack of free time as opposed to subject matter to blog about, and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, I actually feel upbeat....and I'm not taking any anti-depressants right now. As a matter of fact, I haven't touched my Lexapro in almost a month, and Clonzapen in almost three weeks.

That doesn't mean everything is hunky-dory, but perhaps I have been so busy as of late and surrounding myself with 'old' friends and 'new' activities, my mind hasn't had a chance to dwell on the minutiae of life.

I recently started a new job which may also be what the doctor, or in this case, God, has ordered. New settings, new people, new responsibilities....and less stress. I've only been on the job for a week, and it is far less stressful. I don't make as much as I did when I got laid off a year ago, but I am doing better than I was with my recent contract job. I sometimes wonder if God was reminding me that money isn't everything, so He allowed me to be stripped of my financial means and experience hard and stressful work with much less pay. After eight months, perhaps He thought I was ready to move on again, and presented me with an opportunity with a decent financial increase and less stress. At least that's what I would like to think.

My marriage has been a bit happier as well lately. I cannot say it is in the place I would like it to be or imagined it should be, but that is something I continue to pray about as well. Since my mood has been a bit better lately, I also notice that my spouse has had a better attitude towards me as well, and we have been actually doing more together. I would still like (at least what I observe), certain bad habits to disappear, but I guess I cannot expect everything to change at once. Baby steps.

I've been thinking back over the what really has been different the last few weeks. Besides the obvious career change, I've been allowing myself to socialize a bit more as well. I've been visiting a bit more with my neighbors, I recently attended an evening men's only BBQ at my church, and made the large step of meeting up with some old co-workers from my previous job. I was really hesitant on that last one, wondering if that is all they would want to talk about...my departure and what I have been doing this past year. Thankfully, the topic, while broached, was not dwelled upon and I was happy to report that I am bouncing back and am at least 'happy' now. The nicer aspect was that my previous peers treated me as the same 'ole guy they knew, and missed. I even got some warm hugs and firm handshakes from a few that I truly believe were genuine, and this too made me feel good.

But one thing for sure, I am reminded in subtle ways, everyday, that Christ does indeed look after me and makes such things possible. It is in the time of depression and hurt and anger and hopelessness that I so often forget this. I can only see what is in front of me, and quickly look for an immediate scapegoat and temptations. I also believe that I need to make a conscious effort to share my experience's with my friends and peers I come into contact with...to let them know, and not to be ashamed, that I am a man, a human, with real emotions that was kicked down (and can be again), but only through my faith and beliefs in the one true God can I hope to survive and find some semblance of sanity. Oh, I tell them it's not always easy, but I do tell them God is real and He is working with me in ways I do not understand, and He has a plan for me....it might not be 'my' plan, but He knows me better that I do.

Witness.

Fish in a net

“He thought about telling her the agitation he felt every day since the war, the bad dreams, the inability to get excited about much of anything, the times he went to the docks alone and watched the fish pulled in by the wide open nets, embarrassed because he saw himself in those hopeless, flopping creatures, snared and beyond escape” (-Mitch Albom, The five people you meet in heaven)

I read this little paragraph at lunch, and it really struck a cord with me. I had been plugging along in this short little novel and when I came across this on page 113 it was as if I was all alone in the restaurant. All the sounds and actions from the other patrons didn’t seem to register with me, for this one long sentence seemed to describe so many feelings I experience. Though I’ve never been to war, or even in the military, this still resonated with me.

The fact is I used to be able to get excited about a great deal of things, especially when it included the prospect of being with other people or friends that shared the same interests. Whether it be going to the movies, the store, playing a game, or just hanging out.

That changed. I’m not exactly sure when or how. I’m not sure if it was an overnight thing, or it took days, weeks, or even months. I know that my excitement level on a great many of things had diminished. Where my mind reeled with joy at the thought of countless opportunities and adventures, it now seemed indifferent. I enjoyed being alone, and I can’t even be sure if I was happy even then in my solitude. People began to let me down, disappoint me, seemed mundane and predictable. I saw their flaws, and even my own. I wanted a brief reprise. Read books, watch documentaries, play solitaire games.

The quietness was a blessing at first. I seemed more productive on my own, but over time even that began to change. My energy levels weren’t as high, I made more excuses to myself that ‘there is always tomorrow’ so I let a few things slide. I drank alone at night. First it was a beer, then it turned to mixed drinks. Soon, it was just pure whisky or gin on the rocks. Not just one…maybe two or three. I convinced myself it was there to relax me, make me forget about the cruel world and my interpretations of it.

Like the character in the novel, Eddie, I too began strolling metaphorically to my own docks and gazing into the nets of life and wondering how these individual events got ensnared and how they would escape. And again like Eddie, I began to see, and still do, these events as issues in my own life and saw the hopelessness of it all.

Traditional prayer time and weekly pilgrimages to Bible Study and Sunday services seemed to just eat up an hour or so, not really accomplishing anything spiritually within myself, but eating up time on the clock. The secret goal was to shorten the time I was awake until I went to bed again and slip into unconsciousness.

It is better today than it was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I honestly don’t drink as much, but once in a while the intense cravings are there, as though I look forward to going home and hearing that ice rattle in a tumbler, and that initial sip of whisky as it touches my tongue and slaps my head around. The phone still rings and I don’t always want to answer it. I dread the news or drama on the other end.

You know what I catch myself thinking about a lot? More so this last year than any other time in my life? I think about heaven, and with each passing day, that I am one day closer to it. I don’t always think about the perfection, or a new body, or being with Christ in his glory….I think more about leaving this place behind. How I won’t miss certain obligations or responsibilities, or bad news, or drama, or being let down, or just feeling like I am going through the motions. Many people say that ‘life’ in and of itself is a gift from God, and though there are a lot of secular and worldly persecutions we must endure, make the most of it for we only live it once. Or, ‘live life to the fullest’, ‘seize the day’, ‘stop and smell the roses’, etc.

I don’t think much about those clichés at all. I want to be in peace, that is to say my mind. Even now I pray to Christ that He calm my spirit and my mind daily. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the enemy has a field day with me.

Funny how these entries take on a life of their own. I’m not sure really how to finish this entry other than just to finish it. I wasn’t really expecting to go the direction in which I did, it just happened that way.

Depression - Coming to Terms (Part 7)

A continuation of my recognition of Depression.

When I came home that evening from the 'doctor', I had a few pieces of paper folded up neatly in my pocket. The whole drive home seemed to take just a little longer as I had turned off the radio just to hear myself think and run the whole previous meeting in my head numerous times over.

I don't know how many times I disected certain key words: ADHD, Bipolar, medication, Lexapro, Clonzapem, control. Wait, only crazy people are associated with these things right? Was someone who only just met me go on to tell me I have a screw loose?

I pulled into my garage and turned off my engine. I sat in my car a few moments taking deep breaths. I have to collect myself before I walk in the door and my wife asks me the inevitable: "So, what did they say?" And even more imporantly, how was I going to answer?

I decided rather quickly to be honest and quick, maybe play it off a bit as 'that was what I was expecting' and shrug my shoulder as to indicate the guy was a quack.

I walked in the door and straight to the fridge. I wanted an ice tea. Of course my wife was home watching the television , and there was an awkaward momement. Maybe there wasn't as far as she was concerned, but I felt it....at least in my own mind. When she looked at me, I knew the question was comming, and it seemed as if 100 answers filled my head and I could pick anyone of them. Now that I think about it, I was already on the defensive, self-protection mode before anything was even asked.

And then it came....'The' question that is.

I Placed my glas down on the kitchen table and looked at her. She did not get up from the sofa. I was very scared and fearful of her reaction. It could be anything from sarcastic, to non-caring, to pity. Everything negative that is. I did not exepct any support from her or an understanding of 'my' feelings. I mean, this was all in 'my head', not hears, right?

But I was honest. I explained in brief detail on what the doctor told me, and his suggestions that I be put on medication. I am really not sure what I was really expecting as a response from her, so no matter what she did or said I guess would have been a surprise to me.

"Well, I guess you better go get them filled then.", she said.

Part of me was instantly hurt. I thought I just bared my soul to some quack, and now I come home to my wife for some empathy, and all I got was a very non-chalant "Well, I guess you better go get them filled then."

"Okay", was all I could muster, and I wnet back to doing nothing and she went back to the TV. I'm not sure what either of our strategy was at this time....Maybe hers was to not talk about it because she knew I was already embarrassed and ashamed, maybe she knew not to rub salt on an open wound, maybe she thought she could just roll with it and we just won't talk about 'my crazy husband'. I'm sure my thoughts weren't that much different.

I do know that I became super sensitive to all the 'Prozac', or 'depression' related commercials on TV. It seemed that when they came on I was to frozen to say anything, lest I bring up my own situation, or somehow relate it back to me.

Even today, when television shows even *hint* that a character has an 'issue', I seem to tense up, even more so with my wife in the room. I am awaiting her to ask me I suppose "So, are you feeling depressed today? Do you want to hurt yourself?" I guess I am scared of her to ask me, because I still don't know if I can ever answer truthfully.

To be continued.....

Storm + 4

It's been four days since I walked. This morning I awoke very early...4am, and decided I could not sleep. I got up and watched television for a bit.

You'd think I'd be able to relax and enjoy my last few days off, and the remainder of this week before I start my new career, but alas, it's not as easy as I was hoping.

I tried to do the right thing on Friday and speak with the agency that found me the job, but no one was around. I finally got a call late in the day at my house and they asked me what happened. I didn't want to drag everything in the mud, so I stayed very genric in my answers. Part of me was so relieved to be out, but another part of me was still beating myself up for the uncertaintyof it all.

It really hasn't gotten any better.

I mean, I am happy I am not there any longer, but this morning I was riddled with anxiety. My chest was tight and I took numerous deep breaths. I probably shouldn't have had two cups of coffee this morning, and it looks pretty dreary (overcast) outside today.

I think I may take myself to the movies. I used to do that all the time....by myself. Two hours where the outside world did not exist. I think I am going to do that again today.

And pray.

My prayers at 4am this morning made no sense, and I am not really sure my heart was in it. They were more like automatic repsonses, like I was on auto-pilot. I feel bad I also missed church this past Sunday....with Mothers Day and all. I spent it with my mom, but I was tired. My mind was also elsewhere, reliving the past few days events over in my head as if they were an 8mm loop.

A lesson I haev not learned yet. Letting go. The proof is in my anxiety. I seriously think someday I will have a heart attack. Not from my diet, but from stress. I imagine my heart valve and certain arteries straining under the adrenaline and negative hormones and the self imposed high blood pressure. I may go to the gym today too. Maybe a half hour of exercise will help alleviate pent up energy. At the very least, it will be another half hour which I forget about the rest of the world.

That's a common desire/reward that comes about in my mind. Escape. Forgetting the world one hour at a time. Some people may shun that idea, think I am a coward for running away. But that is when it is the most quiet. I relish those moments in time where there is no time.

Calm before the Storm?

Well, today is the day.

I have made a decision in my life to help me move forward, and I cannot help but wonder if it truly is the right thing.

I was at peace last night for the first time in a long time. I actually slept pretty soundly and did not wake up at some ridiculous hour. Before I hit my pillow, I prayed a silent prayer inside my head asking God to reassure me. Though I did not receive an audible answer or an immediate 'gut feeling' within, perhaps the answer was a good night sleep.

I came to work today, most likely for the very last time at with this company, and again I seem to see-saw between nervous butterflies and a strange calmness. I accepted a letter of intent yesterday with another company and sent it to them after hours, and I have been trying to confirm they received it this morning before I do anything drastic. I'd say it's a 99.9% lock, but I'd still like the verbal response they did receive my acceptance before I resign later today. That is not going to go over to well...

I do feel a certain amount of guilt paigns about this today, but I truly want to believe that God presented this other opportunity to me for a reason, and that I learned a very long, but humbling lesson from Him. To be patient through difficult times, and that only when I realize that He is in control and my heart was in a better place would he open the doors for me.

I spoke with another Christian today and shared my feelings. The guilt paigns are a result of my work ethic. Despite all the other difficulties, mindsets, and moods I have been experiencing, I always had a heart to work hard and give it my all. However, in this case the employer has never put me first, and while I struggle with walking away on a job I believe I am good at and want to help people, the culture here has made it evident they will never help me. Specifically the team I work with. I'm sad to say that the team I work with is not really a team at all, though I despretely always wanted to work with them and have never said 'no' to any of their requests.

Not once.

But as actions speak louder than words, it is through long observation that I know each member is in for themselves only, and I cannot work anymore under those conditions.

It may sound as if I think 'I know better than they', or maybe slightly egotistical. I wish I could find the right words to describe the unpleasant nature and selfish ethics of my peers, but I can only say you have to 'live it to understand it'.

So, for the first time ever in my life, I plan on quitting today with no notice. To walk out the door at the appropriate time and never look back. It's scary, and believe me, I am not taking this lightly.

Anxiety & Bipolar curiosity

My anxiety levels have been a little elvated the last few days. I have a huge life decision to make within the next 24-48 hours that will affect my career and I note that I'm a little 'uneasy'.

This morning I awoke just after 2am and had a hard time falling back to sleep. My mind was thinking about the decision I have to make, and the best way for me to handle it, and the least painful for all. I ended up taking two aspirin PM tablets that also help put one to sleep. I finally did fall back alseep, but not before 4:30am and soon, I was up again by 5:45 and feeling very groggy.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to search WebMD today on Bipolar disorders, Lexapro, and Clonazepam, but I did. I've been on Lexapro before (now currently off), and I only take Clonazepam when I feel a panic attack or anxiety start to really take hold. I had one in my pocket all day yesterday, just in case, but I didn't end up taking it afterall. I'll be honest, I do like its effects from time to time....the calmness and the wierd euphoria I sometimes feel. Something analagous to be inebriated but without the alcohol.

As far as Bipolar reading, I think I have convinced myself it may indeed be true of me. I was 'diagnosed' by a therapist 2 years ago about being Bipolar, but it was a hard sell to me. 1st, the therapist only knew me all of 20 minutes, and second, I led such a healthy lifestyle I couldn't fathom my brain not working correctly, or the chemicals off kilter, or whatever. It's definetly something I don't tell anybody, even my family, because I'm really not sure if I am or not. Of course I guess anyone can believe they have something if a few symptoms seem logical. I just don't want to carry that stigma around with me.....that I'm Bipolar. And certainly don't want to use it as a crutch or have people look at me differently.

I've been praying for God's wisdom in this matter...not the pill taking per-se, but how to handle the decision and situation He may have placed in front of me. I've been praying for months on end for a change to present itself, and now that it has, I'm scared to leap. Very typical of me....a lack of faith and a lack of trust.

It seems I always question the answers that are presented to me, and only make things even more complex than ever intended. I often wonder if they are really from Him, or am I so desperate to believe they are I convince myself of that fact when it may not be true to begin with.

I seriously need some mental rest. I really need to just sit down for a week and do nothing but listen to jazz music, or read a book, or meditate on the things I enjoy doing....and actually do them.

Decisions, patience, humbling, prayer

I'm not even sure I know how to begin this entry.

The last few months seems like it has been one continous trial after another for me. Many times, it seems as if the the lines get blurred between issues and I often wonder how I do it. Better yet, am I actually doing 'it' at all?

Two days ago my anxiety seemed to have crept back up. The last week I have awoken every day before dawn, and the first thing I think of is work. That's inherently wrong, and stressful.

I took a clonzapem the other day to help alleviate the tightness in my chest. Work has taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. And as a result, like my past episodes of depression, I have taken these troubles home and they have affect my home life. My relationship with my wife, and even my own overall hapiness.

I've spent numerous hours in prayer, almost a contsant non-stop vigile in prayer about everything. Of course myself, but also my family, my friends, world situations, friends of friends, and non-believers as well. Sometimes so much I wonder if I just sound like I'm babbling. My prayers sometimes run together and I even begin to lose my train of thought.

Last week it was so tough at work, I was so close to walking out, but realizing that it would cause only momentary relief, I also was rational enough to know I need a job with a mortgage and other bills. So I did the next best thing....I updated my resume yet again and sent them out.

Jesus knows I am unhappy in my current role, and its slowly but surely killing me. Robbing days if not weeks off of my mortal life with the mounting pressures. My mother relates to me a sad story a week or so back about a young man, married, who committed suicide because of external pressures. My dad also recently recounted a tragic story with no real answers of a young single lady from our family church who also committed suicide the other day. I'd be lying if I didn't say I secretly understand them. I'm also starting to believe despite Catholic doctrine that suicide is not an 'unforgiveable' sin.

Then the phone rang twice this past week. I had been selected for two interviews. The calls came shortly after I was about to lose my fuse at work. God is indeed answering me, and showing light at the end of the tunnel. Oh how I look forward to the day I can leave my current position for something far less stressful.

Both interviews went extremely well, despite me calling in sick, So well in fact that one called me yesterday to let me know they will be extending an offer to me this week. The other also called and wants me to come in for a second interview next week.

Now I have the potential to decide between two offers. Offers that were not available to me the last 7 months. Perhaps it took this long in God's timing that I be humbled and reminded that things could be much worse.

Of course I am still awaiting the formal offers, and nothing is set in stone until a letter of intent is presented to me, and I in turn sign it. It is both scary and a blessing at the same time. I'm scared because there is always a gut wrenching feeling of "Am I truly making the right decsion?" "Will things be better if I throw caution to the wind?" "Did God present these to me to show me that he is listening and realizes that I am that unhappy and showing me a way out?"

I believe this is indeed a blessing. I think God wanted me to exhaust every avenue I could in dealing with my current situation, but in the end realizing I cannot do it without Him, and that I had to put my trust into Him.

Again, even this morning, I had little sleep. Stress still gets to me, and I awoke at 4:15am to find myself once again in prayer asking Jesus to calm my spirit and quiet my mind. Yesterday was another tough day at work, and I was glad to leave. I then however reminded myself of these possible offers and it did change my outlook for today. I promised myself that I would not allow my current employers to have power over me like they have been. Oh, I am still doing my work, and I will do it good for as long as I am here....that's my nature. But I am looking forward to the day soon in which I can resign and take a week off to collect my thoughts and relax.

Dealings with Lust and Shame

Depression is generally coupled with various emotions, most of them generally of the nuetral or negative conotations.

These emotions fluctuate seemingly at will. Sometimes they are intense cravings only for a few moments, other times that linger longer than I would personally like them to. They often morph and swirl about in my brain until my original thought ends up taking me down a completly different path and opening another set of thoughts and beliefs. These beliefs and griefs, and burdens can weigh me down one minute, and like a vapor dissapate shortly thereafter. The overall sense is a sense of lonliness and and in extreme cases abandonment, resentment, bitterness. And finally, in a moment of muddled clarity, I often look in the mirror and wonder how did I allow these things to happen? Where was the point in which I lost control? Did I ever even have control, or did I just falsly believe I did.

In the end, I'm not sure it really matters.

I know I feel alone at times. Not all the time, but enough where it my mind has a certain way of reminding me even if try not to think about it.

In order to cure lonliness, we become desperate at times. God recognized that Man should not be alone and needed companionship above that of the animals he had dominion over, so he created woman. And they lived happily with each other until the original sin.

What was once beautiful was now infected and tainted. New emotions rose to the surface: insecurity, envy, jealousy, lust. Note that these are negative emotions and God warns us against them, to pray to Christ for strength in the face of temptation.

But man in his lonliness is impatient. His soul is torn between a spiritual fullfillment from God, and quick, tangible fullfillment and quick gratification in choosing the easier path. For humans, the easier path is just that....easier...and not of God's will for us. But try explaining that to a person who has felt alone for so long, even in the midst of family and friends, and church. Why can I say this? Because I feel I often fall into that same category.

I know people love me. They care for me. They pray for me. But I often wonder do they 'get' or 'understand' me. Soon my heart and mind take over and calls out to me this is a spiritual condition and I cast away the righteous path for a path with the least resistance, and a path I know that Satan tempts me to walk down.

I'm sad to say I have walked down that path more than I care to admit.

Lonliness is most likely a condition of the heart, but I guess to say the tactile feeling of anothers warm touch, and the mind itself play important roles in all this. Lonliness brings out the fantasies and desires rooted in basic human touch, needs and even lust.

When alone, my mind wanders....to her, and to her, and yes even her over there. There's a biblical verse that says if you look and sin with your eye, it is best to gauge it out than to be tempted and commit sin within the heart. Quite frankly, I'd be blind many times over.

Is sex the answer? Is lust and physical stimulation the answer? It may relieve short term issues, but trust me, the lonliness and desires always have a way of finding their ways backs to top and thus the cycle repeats.

For me, afterwards, comes shame. Internal spiritual condemnation. A quick high is just as quickly replaced for a need of repentance and asking of forgiveness. Lord, why did my 'eye' stray? Is there nothing else to fill the void? Medicine? Pills? Yet even more prayer?

I want to be joyous and happy and give glory to Him, but in my path, I often get the righteous path confused with the quick path. Shame often rides upon my shoulder and dwells inside me. Shame that my eyes strayed. Shame that my faith isn't strong enough. Shame that the easier path is more attractive than the right path.

Back Again

It's been over a month since my last post.

I feel as I have neglected my blog, and moreso, neglected myself and my thoughts.

A lot has happened in the past five weeks, and most of it very difficult. Difficult enough that I do not wish to repeat those events and wish I could dislodge the memories and their associated emotions and discard them. But I cannot.

In the last few weeks once again I felt as if my life was no longer my own. Pressure from work, pressure from my marriage, pressure from school, and pressure on myself was enough to make me break down.

I broke down more than once.

'Breaking down' to me is the total feeling of abandonment from all that I come into contact with, and that of God as well. The overwhelming feeling that I cannot control any events, that events are controlling me, and no matter how well placed my intentions are, they backfire.

I cried.

I cried a lot.

Enough that I had to leave work more than once and walk outside just to clear my head. Enough that I lost my appetite, and my sleep, and I begged God to remove me.

Remove me from what is the $100 dollar question.

Remove me from my current state of affairs and give me breathing room and peace of mind? Or remove me once and for all, and let me please wake up in heaven?

You don't know how tired my mind becomes. Tired of the emotional let downs. Tired of continually trying and always feel like I am failing. And when the mind and spirit fail, so does the body. I just want to submerge myself in warm covers in bed and not crawl out. I want to sit in a spa and have the world melt away.

But who has the time? I trudge on because someone has too, not because I want to. Because I have responsibilities that I don't want but have been dealt them anyway.