Struggling With The Past

"For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." - I John 2:16-17, NIV

My thoughts seem a bit jumbled again today, and the more I think about it (that in and of itself seems like an oxymoron), the more I realize that my thought have been unclear, fragmented, and un-focused the last few days.

Memories of the past, whether I want to indulge them or not, keep flooding back into my head and while most have been pleasurable, they have all made me uncomfortable to one degree or another.

I've been allowing my family life, dealings with neighbors, and those I come into contact with to get under my skin again, and in the end my emotional state feels as if it is slowly drifting towards exhaustion.

Some of my most recent thoughts have brought me back to "false-happy" times, those teen years and early twenty experimental years where drinking, girl chasing and secular activities were the norm. My mind and my physical body sometimes misses those things....the thrill, the adventure, the highs. On the other hand my re-awakened spiritual side wishes to banish many of those thoughts, for I wish to exist in the now, not the past. But clearly at times, it feels as if the past, at least on the surface, was so much more appealing.

My love life back then seemed exciting and full of action....what any young man would like, and often brag about. But when I really think hard, and peel back the layers of those relationships, I recognize that many were unhealthy....full of drama, negative emotions, arguements and never ending struggles. It seems that for every one positive memory that dominates my frontal lobe, there are a half a dozen negative ones I have tried to suppress.

How many tears of my own have been shed over heart-break, and believing there were emotional connections which turned out only to be surface attractions and nothing more.

It's amazing how the Enemy can take a simple thought, a memory almost 20 years olds, and taunt me daily, almost hourly. I pray to be stronger, but sometimes that strength isn't readily apparent to me. My thoughts cave in, and again, I am living out small episodes in my mind like they were yesterday, vivid in all their lurid details.

The verse I quoted says that the desires of the world will one day pass, however, not likely while I am still alive. Only through mortal death will my cares and wants of this realm be replaced by something I cannot even begin to comprehend. Sounds nice, but I'm still stuck with these thoughts now.

In many 12 step programs, I often hear recommendations that the person seeking recovery go back and face head on those that he/she may have hurt or were involved at one point to face their fears head on, and in some cases, apologize. I wish I had that will power. I want to apologize to a great many people, mostly women with whom I have had relations, but I'm scared and I'm not even sure how sorry I am at times. Perhaps my apologies may fall on deaf ears if that other person still plays within the secular world.

I wonder why my thoughts have become taunted by these memories lately? Why now, after all these years do I think of this person or that person and the relationships we had? Does this contribute to my current state of restlessness in which I cannot concentrate at home, or find myself getting irritated by those around me. I don't wish to bring these stories up with those close to me now, because I don't think they can relate, and I'd probably do more harm than good.

So I wallow in a different type of depression now. Not one of chemical imbalances of the brain, or feelings of hoplessness and despair, but of physical emotions of broken hearts and pleasures of the flesh. I remember hearing years and years ago that a man's sexual peak was his late teen to mid twenties. I'd like to argue that as sometimes the desires of the flesh seem so much more strong today than they did all those years ago.