Father's Day

I've been a step-father for four years now, and father to my pooch for two, and I never really think of myself as a father on a day-to-day basis. My wife and I once tried for children, and I would still like to have my own, but I guess it is currently not in the cards for us, or for me, for that matter.

Sometimes this makes me very sad. There are times I think I am not 'complete' because I do not have any biological children of my own. I can empathize to a certain to degree with women who feel they aren't complete either because they haven't experienced motherhood.

Yes, I think about all those movies and books I cannot share with my son, or the dance recitals of my little girl. The training on how to ride a bike, or that first lost tooth, or that first ball catch. The fact that I cannot give my daughter away at her wedding, or share a beer with my 21 year old son, and finally to be my own grandfather. Seems like that is a part of life that I will never explore, and that does make me sad.

My step-daughter is 15 years old, and we only have her every other weekend. Soon, she will be moving out of state with her dad, and our visits will be further and further apart. She only recently began to call me dad, and I have to say, I do like the ring of that.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't help but shake the feeling that my life in incomplete because of this fact. There are many adults who relish the fact they don't have children. I guess the only time this thought crosses my mind is I wonder how good of a father I may actually might have been. I would like to think I am capable of being a very good father. A loving father. One my children would be proud to have.

On the other hand, I'm a little thankful I don't. Why? Because I never would like to witness my child knowing his or her dad was on the verge of a mental breakdown. That at times it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, to face the day and its responsibilities without secretly wishing to cash it all in. I don't want them to know why daddy cries for no apparant reason, and sometimes I feel as if I could fail them. Not on purpose that is, but to see their protector cringe at the world and run away in fear.

Regardless of those insecurities, I had a very pleasant Father's Day yesterday despite a raging headache I acquired late in the day.

I awoke early in the morning to a strong and fragrant cup of coffee, and my dog sat in my lap in the quiet hours as my wife and daughter continued to sleep. This allowed me to read for a bit, a hobby I wish I could do more of.

When my wife finally awoke, she made some great cinnimon buns. I normally don't eat gooey stuff like that, but yesterday, it just felt, tasted, and smelled so darn perfect. It was then I had a moment of clarity that I cannot really put into words. It was at that moment in time everything seemed perfect....as if I had no care in the world...and everything was going to be okay. I cannot give that feeling enough justice in description, suffice it to say, it felt as if I were not myself.

As I sat on the couch again, my daughter brought me a gift. It was signed from my wafe, my daughter, and my dog. The card was cute. And for the first time, in a long, long time....I truly believe my wife put some thought into my gift. It was one of the most thoughful and nicest things I have ever received from here and I was not only impressed, but touched.

Later that day I planted a tree. Seriously, I planted a citrus tree in my backyard, and I hope to watch it grow over the next few years and provide me with juicy splendor and abundance, not to mention shade and color to my otherwise spartan yard.

Even later still, both sets of our parents came over for dinner. As I BBQ'd, my wife made many of the side dishes and we all had a great time visting, despite my headache. I think my father and father-in-law enjoyed themselves. And to top it all off, I had a very hot shower and a peaceful sleep last night.

Suffice to say, today is full of pleasant memories of yesterday.

If only I had more of those days.