Turning a Corner

"Cause I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared

Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care" (lyrics from A Different Corner - George Michael)

I know it's been a over a week since my last post. It's been lack of free time as opposed to subject matter to blog about, and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, I actually feel upbeat....and I'm not taking any anti-depressants right now. As a matter of fact, I haven't touched my Lexapro in almost a month, and Clonzapen in almost three weeks.

That doesn't mean everything is hunky-dory, but perhaps I have been so busy as of late and surrounding myself with 'old' friends and 'new' activities, my mind hasn't had a chance to dwell on the minutiae of life.

I recently started a new job which may also be what the doctor, or in this case, God, has ordered. New settings, new people, new responsibilities....and less stress. I've only been on the job for a week, and it is far less stressful. I don't make as much as I did when I got laid off a year ago, but I am doing better than I was with my recent contract job. I sometimes wonder if God was reminding me that money isn't everything, so He allowed me to be stripped of my financial means and experience hard and stressful work with much less pay. After eight months, perhaps He thought I was ready to move on again, and presented me with an opportunity with a decent financial increase and less stress. At least that's what I would like to think.

My marriage has been a bit happier as well lately. I cannot say it is in the place I would like it to be or imagined it should be, but that is something I continue to pray about as well. Since my mood has been a bit better lately, I also notice that my spouse has had a better attitude towards me as well, and we have been actually doing more together. I would still like (at least what I observe), certain bad habits to disappear, but I guess I cannot expect everything to change at once. Baby steps.

I've been thinking back over the what really has been different the last few weeks. Besides the obvious career change, I've been allowing myself to socialize a bit more as well. I've been visiting a bit more with my neighbors, I recently attended an evening men's only BBQ at my church, and made the large step of meeting up with some old co-workers from my previous job. I was really hesitant on that last one, wondering if that is all they would want to talk about...my departure and what I have been doing this past year. Thankfully, the topic, while broached, was not dwelled upon and I was happy to report that I am bouncing back and am at least 'happy' now. The nicer aspect was that my previous peers treated me as the same 'ole guy they knew, and missed. I even got some warm hugs and firm handshakes from a few that I truly believe were genuine, and this too made me feel good.

But one thing for sure, I am reminded in subtle ways, everyday, that Christ does indeed look after me and makes such things possible. It is in the time of depression and hurt and anger and hopelessness that I so often forget this. I can only see what is in front of me, and quickly look for an immediate scapegoat and temptations. I also believe that I need to make a conscious effort to share my experience's with my friends and peers I come into contact with...to let them know, and not to be ashamed, that I am a man, a human, with real emotions that was kicked down (and can be again), but only through my faith and beliefs in the one true God can I hope to survive and find some semblance of sanity. Oh, I tell them it's not always easy, but I do tell them God is real and He is working with me in ways I do not understand, and He has a plan for me....it might not be 'my' plan, but He knows me better that I do.

Witness.