Unsaid Love

Anyone who says marriage is easy, I say they are not being honest with themselves or the situation. Even for the most evenly yoked personalities I cannot imagine there not ever being an 'off' day here and there. People are people, and people at their rawest aspects have tendencies of putting themselves first. Not sure if that is an outcome of the original sin, but I cannot see how it isn't at least tied to it in some way.

By our basic human natures, we are selfish to a certain level. Sure, there are those that can hide it very well, or at least appear to be unselfish, but somewhere along the line we all falter.

And to those that say that the key to a happy marriage is 'communication', I also say that sounds good until your spouse disagrees with you on any subject. To say ignorance is bliss is to sweep problems under the rug, to let them fester until resentment is born and harbored.

My wife and I have been married almost four years. I love her, however, I sometimes question what my definition of 'love' is. I even surprise myself that I haven't figured this out yet. There are days, sad to say, I feel that I love her more than others. Is it because I am not a great communicator in that emotional realm? Is it because we are not evenly yoked? Is it because I have not devoted my whole marriage to God, or because I let my own insecurities put up a wall around my heart? Because after a few years I'm bored? Because I'm depressed? Because I'm not generally happy and I let that bleed over into my marital outlook? Maybe because like any person, I sometimes get disappointed by her lack of actions or priorities.

Nonetheless, I suppose it's fair to say she feels the same about me on certain days.

I cannot recall if the Bible even mentions the concept of marriage in heaven....that is, when we die and are present in heaven, is marriage recognized between former spouses? There is no clear indication I am aware of, so I suppose I am strapped to contemplate what marriage means in my mortal form.

It's not always happy.

At least not for me.

Part of the problem is our lack of communication between us. I suppose some of that is based in fear. Fear that neither one of us wants to be up front and honest, lest it begins an epic argument neither of us wants to spend the energy on.

So we become complacent.

Complacency breeds emotional staleness. I've felt a bit stale lately. I know I love my wife, but sometimes I also feel as though we are actually just roomies, and that saddens me. We do do separate things on occasion, and we are both headstrong. Sometimes I feel as if I have had no support from her at all....like when I lost my job. I felt very alone. As a husband, that saddened me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. Sometimes I admit I even had resentment of our marriage because I felt she wasn't participating as I 'thought' spouses should act during trying times.

My wife tells me she loves me, and sometimes I admit, it doesn't feel like it phases me. Like the words have no effect because I jaded myself, somehow, somewhere, sometime.

I met my wife and some neighbors at a local watering hole the other day, not because I wanted to really be there, but for some reason I felt obligated to show up...though my heart wasn't really into it.

My wife excused herself for a minute to use the restroom, and my neighbors turned to me in her absence. "You know....Your wife really loves you. She talks about you a lot in a favorable manner."

I was stunned....and speechless...and digesting this information and not knowing how to respond. On the one hand, I felt very good and flattered. On the other hand, I felt saddened or some emotion somewhat analogous to it. I wonder why she doesn't express herself like that to me when we are alone? Funny, it doesn't feel like it at times.

Those simple heart felt words took on a totally different meaning when coming from a neighbor than out of the mouth of my wife. I feel guilt and ashamed to a certain degree....and elated...and confused on where our communications of emotions broke down. And are either one of us too stubborn to admit it and work on it.