A tinge of Anger

I've been a little grouchy the past few days, and while I am aware of it, and have prayed about it, I slipped yesterday and snapped at my step-daughter and swore as well.

It would just be an excuse if I said it was because I was tired or a little under the weather lately, (both are true actually), but I have felt extremely sensative the last few days and have taken personal note that my fuse has been a little shorter than unsual as of late.

I've been taking a little cocktail of prescribed drugs lately for a rash of hives I have been exhibiting lately with no known cause. Yup, I have had an allergist administer a scratch test, and I have had blood drawn, and both came back as 'normal'. That's part of my personal frustration is that I know, as well as the doctor, that these hives are 'not' normal, but we cannot seem to pinpoint the root cause. In the meantime, in order to get them under control I take various anti-histamines, and anti-inflammatory meds as well as some steroids. Long story short.....they make me tired, I don't sleep very well, the hives don't go away very quickly, and we don't know what causes them.

Mix in the fact I have allowed both my wife and step daughter get under my skin as of late because fo my own mood, and I constantly find myself slowly counting to 10 in my head lest I blow up. I sometimes wonder if this is natural, or because I am so sensative to the fact that I'm a 'hot head' as a carry over from the chemical imbalance thats spurs my depressive episodes.

I know one thing.... I didn't want to go to church at all yesterday. I just wanted to stay in bed or perhaps enjoy a cup of coffee in my self imposed solitude, but my spirit got the best of me and I went anyway....more so out of guilt. But I am so glad I did.

There was a guest speaker there who illustrated the 'Bema' judgement in such a way that it brought me to tears. That's why I sit in the back of the church. I get so emotional at times, I get embarrassed and my own pride doesn't want to show others how easily I can cry.

I often wonder about that too. Why I am so easy to come to tears? I'm a big guy. In the past, people have often called me a leader, someone with intelligence (notice I emphasize 'past'). Now I cry and I don't want people to see I am losing it.

My tears were a double sword yesterday. They were tears of joy knowing what Heaven and Christ will bring someday, but at the same time, I had tears of guilt....of what a sinner I have been and still am....that only by God's grace will I be allowed into heaven, not on my own volition.

I admit, I still remain puzzled and in awe that Christ promises that whoever believe in Him and call him Lord will have entrance into heaven. I keep wondering "What's the catch", because that almost seems too easy. I cannot easily imagine that I will be welcomed, or anyone for that matter short of Mother Theresa. And even more so, there will be no more tears as He will wipe them away, and if there are any tears at all, they will be tears of joy, not sadness.

I have a hard time contemplating that. As someone who know his own sadness, lonliness, bitterness and depression, I have a hard time imagining a place where these terms are actually foriegn.

Anyway, yesterday we were all a bit moody. Maybe at varying degrees at varying times, but my step-daughter made an 'off the cuff remark' to me in which my already short use was suddenly lit and could not be extinguished. I lashed out the best way I do.....fast, explosive, and with a swear word. As soon as my own remarks left my mouth, I was instantly ashamed that I allowed that to happen. Even though my wife took my side and told her daughter to mind herself, that surely didn't excuse my own behavior.

It's been plaguing me all day today as well. I've probably prayed a handful of times since yesterday to excuse my actions, but I don't really feel absolved. I am sorry, but I think it's my own feeling of being ashamed that I cannot let go of.