Anxiety & Bipolar curiosity

My anxiety levels have been a little elvated the last few days. I have a huge life decision to make within the next 24-48 hours that will affect my career and I note that I'm a little 'uneasy'.

This morning I awoke just after 2am and had a hard time falling back to sleep. My mind was thinking about the decision I have to make, and the best way for me to handle it, and the least painful for all. I ended up taking two aspirin PM tablets that also help put one to sleep. I finally did fall back alseep, but not before 4:30am and soon, I was up again by 5:45 and feeling very groggy.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to search WebMD today on Bipolar disorders, Lexapro, and Clonazepam, but I did. I've been on Lexapro before (now currently off), and I only take Clonazepam when I feel a panic attack or anxiety start to really take hold. I had one in my pocket all day yesterday, just in case, but I didn't end up taking it afterall. I'll be honest, I do like its effects from time to time....the calmness and the wierd euphoria I sometimes feel. Something analagous to be inebriated but without the alcohol.

As far as Bipolar reading, I think I have convinced myself it may indeed be true of me. I was 'diagnosed' by a therapist 2 years ago about being Bipolar, but it was a hard sell to me. 1st, the therapist only knew me all of 20 minutes, and second, I led such a healthy lifestyle I couldn't fathom my brain not working correctly, or the chemicals off kilter, or whatever. It's definetly something I don't tell anybody, even my family, because I'm really not sure if I am or not. Of course I guess anyone can believe they have something if a few symptoms seem logical. I just don't want to carry that stigma around with me.....that I'm Bipolar. And certainly don't want to use it as a crutch or have people look at me differently.

I've been praying for God's wisdom in this matter...not the pill taking per-se, but how to handle the decision and situation He may have placed in front of me. I've been praying for months on end for a change to present itself, and now that it has, I'm scared to leap. Very typical of me....a lack of faith and a lack of trust.

It seems I always question the answers that are presented to me, and only make things even more complex than ever intended. I often wonder if they are really from Him, or am I so desperate to believe they are I convince myself of that fact when it may not be true to begin with.

I seriously need some mental rest. I really need to just sit down for a week and do nothing but listen to jazz music, or read a book, or meditate on the things I enjoy doing....and actually do them.