"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil" (Psalm 37:8).
The last few days, I've been feeling a bit on edge about my house. Certain circumstances and behavior of immediate family members of which I live with (including even some of my own) have made me very aware of my moodiness.
I'm not sure where my moodiness is currently originating from. I can take a stab at a number of things that seem to be getting under my skin, but I'm also having a hard time venting properly or expressing my feelings to my family...more so in fear of starting some argument...so for the time being I am keeping these ill feelings within my mind and behind pursed lips.
The trouble with that is that my feeling are not subsiding with time, but seem to be mounting, and I'm afraid I'm going to snap at someone very shortly in not such a nice way.
Part of me knows that I also haven't been spending too much time in prayer about this, or turning it over to Christ. I feel sometimes that I'm back at square one, once again trying to control and fix things that deep down I cannot. But I look at my family sometimes and wonder "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you thinking?" But in most cases they aren't thinking at all. No one person is perfect, even me, lest we wouldn't need God's grace and forgiveness at all. However, there are moments it seems I must count silenty to ten in my head and take a deep breath before I say something I'll regret. Problem is, I've already thought it so I'm not 100% sure it did me any good not to say it, because when I bottle it up inside, it gnaws on my mind (note: not heart) and festers like an ugly cancer.
A lot of negative emotions begin to float around inside and then I have trouble pinpointing excatly which emotion I am actually experiencing. Sometimes it feels like anger, other times sadness, irritation, moodiness, crabbiness, disdain, exaspiration, frustration, and many others.
And it centers around my home. There are times as of late I really look in the proverbial mirror and wonder "What did I get myself into?" "Was I really this stupid and naive to think everything would always be perfect?"
I close my eyes and dream about far away lands and places. Freedom. Quietness.
That seems to be a recurring theme to me.....I just want things...quiet...and on my terms. I want to come hoem one day and not be faced with the drama at the moment. Watch a little TV with no interuptions, no phone ringing, no door knocking. I don't want to listen to my daughters attitude or scold her for acting irresponsible and selfish every 10 minutes. I can't help but wonder what goes through her head at times and realize that she is totally unaware of her actions. But that suprises me even more....How can you not realize what you are doing and saying for Pete's sake? But it's not just her. It's my wife. It's me. It's the neighbors. It's the dog. It's many things both big and small, and in the end.....in the big scheme of the universe that God has created for all of us....they are trivial matters. Yet I forget that, and don't treat them trivially.
I still don't take my 'happy pills' right now, but I do indeed get tempted.
What really tempts me is the bottle. How easily I think, I could slip right back to numbness with a small tumbler and ice. I make a justification even I am at war with myself over: just one or two drinks will calm me down. But two turn into three that turns into more. Then my tongue might really become loose.
Do you see the maddening cycle? Maybe you do not. It appear it may only be in my own mind and thought, and sounds attractive. But this is not God's way. It can only lead to bad things if I allow it to. My anger and feelings are festering and I'm not re-directing these energies correctly until I sit down like now and think about them. I don't know why I am wound up right now. I'm not sure why I ''really" don't want to go home. I just don't.
I'm going to stop this entry now, for I feel I can ramble on and on and on if allowed to.
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