Happy Things

Yesterday was sorta weird. My thoughts drifted alot to shameful memories of my past, on why I am not a deserving Christian and scared of dying alone. I prayed a lot, many of my prayers incohesive jumbles of fragmented thoughts. I'm sorry for this...I regret that...why am I tempted so?

On and on and on this went throughout the whole day.

The one positive thing that came out of this was it was a very chatty day, at least on my end, to God above. On the other hand, I dwell a bit to much on my own salvation and worth. I began to think of my selfish nature, and then how miserable and cruel this world can be.

I stood again at one moment, and wondered what the heck happened to my plans, my life, my goals? When I was in college I had a vision of where I would be at 25, and again at 30, and other milestones in my life. Married. Children. Type of car I would own. The briefcase I would carry.

None of that happened, and I often wonder why.

I haven't completely come to grips or terms that my life, despite the promise of free-will, may not be exactly my own. That God has a plan for me, and perhaps it's not the plan 'I' dreamed of, but somehow, I trudge on, day after day. Is my life bad today? No. I am often thankful for what I do have, and know I feel ashamed and guilty when I complain and then am reminded that others around me deal with more travesty and trying times than I, and they still endure.

Late last night, I was flipping through the channels and came across the 1978 movie 'Grease'. I always stop at Grease. I'm not sure why, oh I suppose I can guess, but it is one of my all time favorite movies. I love the music and the story. There are certain songs that when I hear them, I am no longer present in this reality. When I hear these songs, I forget how much I dislike people, how the daily news troubles me, how my own life at times sucks.

'Sandy', 'Hopelessly Devoted To You', & 'Summer Nights' are my favorites followed by the title track. When I listed to the lyrics I can't help but wonder if I was born and raised in the wrong era. It just seems being a teenager in the 50's seemed so much easier and simpler than being a teen in the 80's. Born 30 years too late. If I was a teen in the 50's, I'd be in my late 60's now if I were still alive.

The 80's were a great decade too, much more interesting in terms of history and achievements when compared to the drug laden, free-sex, and Vietnam times of the 60's and 70's. I picture myself as having that clean cut look, a leather jacket, a nice muscle car, a beautiful girl in a poodle skirt. I think it was simpler in comparison to the 'Information Age' which we now live. Bombarded daily now with the Internet, sattelite communications, cell phones always ringing, 24 hour news feeds showing horrific images from around the globe.

Is that why depression may be more relevant today? My own theory that I am devising and crafting is that when people of the 50's weren't as accosted as modern day adults are by so much negative news.

Today we worry about everything....and why not? The sensory stimulation from TV, radio, computers, etc., never stop today, whereas in the 50's you only cared about the sphere you lived in extended out 100 miles or so. Today we are on the cusp of being truly globale and our own personal responsibilities seem to have grown ten-fold.

This is a whole other entry in and of itself, so I leave it be for now.

I'm just saying that the 'true-love' story of Sandy and Danny and the enviornoment back then just seems so much more innocent and harkens back to a more peaceful self.