Today is my Anniversary

4 years ago today my fiance and I stood before 150 people, most of them I did not know, and exchanged vows to become husband and wife.

When I was growing up, I always pictured my wedding day as a start to my new life. I could look forward to having a partner who loved me like no other and I could return that love unbridled. I looked for a partner whom I was sexually compatible with, that we could fulfill each others desires. I looked forward to having a child, perhaps even more, and one day maybe being a grandfather myself.

I pictured us being partners, 50-50, or as the old cliche states "For better or worse", and 'worse' never really entered my mind.

Last year on our third anniversary my wife chose to out with her girlfriends drinking after work which hurt me very deeply. Instead of celebrating our marriage, I was crying and she was indifferent towards me. That time frame was very troubling for me, and as I later found out very troubling for my wife.

We were at an impasse on who supported who and what marriage meant to each of us. Honestly, as much as I was hurt and disappointed with her decision that day, I can understand why she didn't want to be around me. It was during this time I had recently lost my job and I was indeed very depressed. I was on medication full tilt. Anything and almost everything would send me into a tailspin of despair and my wife didn't want to be around me lest I drag her down emotionally with me.

Where I thought she needed to be with me on our anniversary, I equated her love for me in direct conjunction with her obligatory presence. When she was not there, I thought this was a sign our marriage was over. Of course this fueled even more negative thoughts on my end. How could I go back and face these 150+ people, including our families, who celebrated our marriage just 3 years earlier and tell them it was a failure? On top of my tears and my meds, I figured I needed a little something extra that evening, so I turned to the bottle. Whisky....straight. It was during this time frame I really wondered what the heck did I ever see in this person I chose to marry? What did I see in myself? Was I destined to live a 'loveless' marriage, trapped by the contract I made with God at the altar? Did I really want to wake up the next morning, and every morning thereafter feeling this way? Where was that love? Can I please have it end right now?

How many more shots do I need this evening before the pain dissipates and numbs? How many more before I pass out?

A lot has changed in a year.

I rediscovered God and what being a Christian is like again. My wife and I are better...not perfect. We still argue at times, but not like we used to. We attended a couples class a few weeks back and discovered things about each other we were not 100% positive we knew about each other. My wife doesn't come to church with me, but I pray every week that our marriage grows stronger. I continually pray that God continues to work on my spirit, my issues, my health, and I also pray that He helps to change her heart not only towards me, but to God the Father, Himself. It's not always perfect, but Gods timing and reason are not my own.

Unfortunately this year my wife again will not be here for our 4th anniversary. This time I don't hold a grudge. She is away on business this time and calls me everyday. She asked what I have planned for us this Sunday when she returns. I don't have anything planned yet, but at least she's asking. I suppose that a good sign. And I suppose the fact I miss her is a good sign as well, though I'll be honest in saying my idea of marriage a few years ago in nothing like what I/we are experiencing between us now, and that does disappoint me on occasion.

I know that others have had a much tougher time with marriage with me, but I also know other who have it better, and I strive to be the latter, not the former. I'd like to think my wife feels the same way, and at times there are signs that is indeed the case, but not always.

Friends, please pray for me. Pray for my heart and that of my wife as well. That God can change both of us if we allow and desire Him to do so. Perhaps on our 5 year Anniversary, we will actually spend it together.

Wrestling with Moral Character and Judgements

I happened to come across this story today on CNN.com in regard to a former Playboy Playmate Susie Scott Krabacher and her work today as to saving orphans in the country of Haiti. I suppose one of the reasons this article made the news was to help rpomote her new book "Angels of a Lower Flight."


The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.


In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.


I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?


But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.


And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?


I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.

But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.

I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.

I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.

A lesson in Forgiveness

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." - (Matthew 6:14-15)



I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.



When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.



Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.



On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.



Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.



When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.



About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.



His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.



This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?



You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.



As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.



Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.

The Art of Submission - one viewpoint

Yesterday I received yet another powerful message that seemed to mimic my life from church yesterday. It was in regards to submission. I think most Christians, if polled on submissions, would most likely cite the verse in which "wives are to submit to their husbands", and I think most men would argree that there are inferences that men should subit to their wives in many manners as well.

But do we submit in all facets in our lives? Do we submit to our children when they need encouragment and love? Do we submit to our neighbors when they are shouldering burdens and they need to built up? Do we submit to our co-workers and even our boss for the 'right' reasons and not because we are more worried about keeping our jobs?

It was pointed out that Jesus has a radical way of teaching unkown to man as a concept before. Men of the world rule through selfish means. It is a jockeying of position of puttings ones own interests in front of others in order to climb to the tob. Power came through strength, war, manipulation. Leaders often led through 'might is right', or by instilling fear in their subjects and their enemies.

Christ turned this way of thinking on its head through the teaching of 'submission'. That we could become respected leaders if we submitted through humility, through grace, through love.

After my first shoulder surgery, I did not subit to the doctors or my wife's advice. As soon as I could, I returned to the gym, and began to push myself....to return to my old ways. To recapture the muscle I had lost and the imposing features I once had that were now turning soft. I did not submit God's course of healing, and the result was doing additional damage and requiring a second operation that I could have avoided.

When I was unemployed, I did not submit. I did not trust in God and Christ to take care of me, even though they were going to anyway. I was angry at the 'world', I was angry at my formal employers, I was angry the cliches, I was angry that people were no longer calling me. I fought back in my own way. It was my problem, and 'I' was going to fix it. I did not submit that maybe this was God's will and that he had something else in mind for me. It may not pay as much, but the stress was something I could shoulder and allow my broken spirit, my broken body, and my broken mind to repair itself.

In my marriage, I don't always submit. We are both headstrong in certain areas and I'll admit sometimes my wife's logic in manners are hers alone, something I may never understand, and thus has caused grief and strains on our relationship. Submission here is much trickier and is a constant ebb and flow when emotions, finances, spiritual attunement, step children, bad habits are involved. I have learned to submit overtime in certain areas, and try and dig-in in others. But knowing whether I am submitting in the right areas is not always easy, especially when I am immature in the Word.

And finally, I think just as hard as it is in learning submission in marriage (and I can go on and on about that), was learning submission in the face of depression. When I was first told to seek counseling I did not want to submit. I finally did, but for the wrong reasons....to get my wife off my back was the primary reason. When I saw a shrink and he told me I was bi-polar and thought I was ADHD, I did not want to submit either. The first thing I thought was 'no-way, not me...you're telling me my head is not right and crazy'. The first time I took medications to regulate my brain chemistry, it took a lot for me to submit. I recall staring in the mirror and looking for signs (as if it were possible) of depression as if it would apear as a scar or a bruise before I would unscrew the caps of my bottles and take my first pills.

Overall, I think the hardest part of submission was submission to God the Father himself. I had always been a fixer, a fixer of my own problems. And now, everything was out of control and I could never get a firm grip. The harder I tried, the more thing would slip between my fingers. My marriage was shakey, my body was broken, my anger towards people was at an all time high, I was unemployed, I wanted to drink, I wanted to know why the chemicals within my head were off kilter, I wanted people to shut up, and for everytime I cried, I sank deeper and deeper and deeper. I won't lie to you....personal death was creeping into my psyche as a plausible option. The though of eternal rest was soubnding better and better as each day passed.

I can't really say what exact hour God finally broke through to me. I had thought I was a Christian for many years prior, but my faith was really helping up until this point. I know I broke down in front of an elder at my church, and I allowed him to take me off to an unoccupied room where I let it all go. And boy did I. I unloaded. I spoke volumes. I described everything I was thinking, and to this mans credit, he did not flinch when certain raw emotions and language came out between the sobs. And when it was over, there I was, exhausted. No more energy to shed another tear. I was a 5'11", 220 lb ball of spent meat and I could care less.

Then he prayed for me.

And sometime during this I submitted. I submitted to God and to Jesus Christ. I realized and I admitted I could no longer fix myself. I sat there for quite awhile and began to re-collect myself. I can't say it has always been roses from that point on, but it was the definitive moment. If I allowed myself to sink any lower at this point, I sometimes wonder if I would seriously be here right now writing this. However, once I allowed God to take over I began to view life somewhat differently. That was 1 year ago this month.

A lot has changed this past year. Not all of it has been hunky dory, and there are indeed times I take a stumble and certain emotions creep back in. My wife and I still argue as married couples are apt to do. I still have the occasional run ins with peers at my 'new' job, but overall, things are indeed much better. And a lot of that has comes through by means of submission.

God makes a covenant with animals

"And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them lie down safely" (Hosea 2:18)

I'm not really positive on all the interpretations man has come up with in regards to animals in the bible, and more specifically animals in heaven. I suppose the bible was meant for us, as the guidebook for humans and our salvation and not really a book regarding the summation of His other creations such as animals. There aren't too many verses in the bible that talk about animals in too much detail, however, there is indeed mention of animals present in heaven both today and in the end times.

But will these be our beloved pets?

I don't know, and it saddens me to a certain extent that it isn't that clear for us as far as the bible contends. Over the years, I have asked others, both practicing believers and not and I'd say all the answers depending on where you stand in your faith seem to be pretty evenly divided.

Yesterday I spoke of death, and how terrified I am of it. I guess I'm scarred that even though I believe I am 'saved', I also sometimes question my own faith, especially when I am depressed and sad, and I truly wonder if I will indeed make it into heaven. Many people of faith say that as long as you accept Christ, and you mean it, that you are indeed saved. Perhaps in my mind (and therefor my hesitancy on faith and in man) I still think this is 'too good to be true'. I keep being told about God's grace, His mercy, His love, His promise to us.....

But all I think of at times is that I am not worthy, I am a sinner, I am wretched, there are others more deserving, more faithful, more loving, more 'righteous'.

Then I think about animals. Do they have a soul? Any owner of a dog or a cat will say 'Yes!'...I know I do. But where does God draw, if any, the line? Do insects have souls? Do fish? Do reptiles?

I don't know, nor do I think anyone does for sure.

My dog, is the love of my life. Dare I say sometimes more so than my best friends? Sometimes my wife? I feel guilty at times because of this. But I really do know the experience of unconditional love, and I so want to believe this is just a taste of God's love for each one of us. If so, then I hope and pray and desire He extends this same love to all his creations, including my dog.

My dog is my little boy. Last year when I was at my worst. When I was popping pills left and right, and looking at the bottle of booze, and wanting to run away from life, my marriage, my day to day routines, it was my dog who kept me level headed and stopped me from hitting rock bottom. God also intervened, but it was my dog who looked at me everyday and loved me no matter what state of mind I was (and occasionally still experience) in.

I've been a small roller coaster this last week or so. I've only had one Clonapen a week back when I was upset with my wife, and like I said, the thought of death has been permeating my mind as of late.

This morning I was reminded again how precious life can be at times, well at least for our pets. My little man was so excited to see me this morning, and sat on my lap as I had a cup of coffee, and wanted to play with me. And he was sad when I left for work. He was sad enough that it made me wish I could call in sick today and spend the day with him, to let him know how much he means to me.

And then I know one day he will be gone, and that I will be devastated. But I want to give him everything that I can and make sure he is healthy and loved and cared for. He gives me purpose at times, and it is my way of repayment to him. Some of you may think I'm off my rocker....that I'm putting my dog before my friends and my family. Well, sadly this probably is indeed the case at times. Like I said yesterday...I have no children of my own, no brothers or sisters, and my wife and I are still figuring out 'our' love for each other. There is no question when it comes to my dog. Lord knows, I hope I have plenty of pills that day...the day when he passes on.

I hope that God does have a special place for pets and animals. In dog and cat families you hear of the 'rainbow bridge', where pets play all day long and they are healthy, and cared for under Christs pleasing eyes. I hope so. For while in my book people are a lost cause, our family pets are not, and I look forward to that day when I am reunited with him in heaven if God so allows.

A step forward

It is interesting, (at least to me), what a difference a week can make or some effort on one partner's behalf to put some hope back into things.



Last week, I was a bit frustrated with my wife, and I can only guess she was a little frustrated with me. We are both headstrong people, who feel 'right' in the moment. However, as time passes and cooler heads prevail, I often find myself the one who can admit his own faults and try to correct them for the better. Sometimes I really mean it, other times, not so much, but I try and look at the big picture. And if the big picture requires me to eat a little crow once in a while, so be it. I learned through many years of self-induced anguish, that being 'right' isn't always so important.



A lesson my wife still needs to learn in my opinion.



So last Friday we went to a 'couples' class sponsered by a local church to speak about communication issues. It wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for or what I expected, but it did help. Sometimes I wonder why my wife is more responsive to a third party pointing something out to her than when I point out the exact same thing. When I do it, I am being accusatory or nit-picky, or whatever. When someone else does it, it is 'somewhat' recognized and digested by her. But I suppose it's better she realizes it from someone, if at least its not going to be me.



The course/discussion was 2 hours long, and raised some interesting questions that even after 4 years of marriage, I think we both realized we didn't reallyy know the true answers. Such as: 1) What are your dreams? 2) What is 'your' history? and a few others. I guess we had some slight ideas, maybe a very broad picture, but never really knew what each others dreams, hobbies, history truly was.



After the course we had a late dinner, and it was very nice. It was like when we were dating. We actually spoke about things and I at least vowed internally to put some of the courses ideas into action. How long I can perpetuate these ideas into actions, and if my wife will do the same....time can only tell. But Friday night was a 'good' night.



Saturday we got along fine, but did our own chores about the house, and she went out to a girls birthday party that evening. I hung out with the neighbors, but was in relatively early and enjoyed some alone time in front of the TV with my dog.



Sunday I decided I would 'test' some of the points made in class. I decided to take my wife out shopping and in the car I asked her about her dreams and hobbies. While I did know some of the answers, I suppose I was surprised by a few others and asked why she didn't do some of the thinsg she wanted, and what could I do to see that a few of them could be met. I just listened and I made suggestions, very conscious of staying neutral. All in all, it went very well, and I conceded to a few of her points and will make some changes shortly...and I'm actually okay with them.



In the end she seemed happier, and I too admit I was a bit happier. And best of all, at least for the last few days, she has been very civil and generous to me in return. I hope it lasts. I continue to pray to that she will become closer to God and maybe attend church with me more often. Not only for her sake, but mine as well. Even though things seem like they may be getting better in my marriage, my faith at times and my own self doubts still silenty shake me to my core.



I really am bad when I am alone for too long. Despite all the recent progress, other thoughts plague me and secretely depress me. I've been thinking about death a lot again lately. Not just my own, but that of my wife, and my parents, and grandparents....and I truly question if I will see them in heaven let alone myself in heaven some day. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to impede my faith and growth with God, but I secretly am terrified.

Sometimes I pray that the Lord will take me before my wife. I don't think I'd fare very well with that type of loneliness later on. I have a step-daughter, who doesn't live with us anylonger, and while I know my step-daughter may 'like' me, I know I can never achieve the same sort of affectiosn she gives her natural father. At times I cannot help but feel she looks to me as if I am just some grown up baby sitter. I fear that if my wife passes before me, my step-daughter will drift away soon never to contact or check up on me. With no brothers or sisters or children of my own, I see myself dying alone in a home were only the neighbors or a bill collector discovers me from either the smell or the some other sign that something is askew.

I know that sounds horribly morbid, but I really can't control my thoughts and wonder why they plague me. Why do these thoughts take hold within my head and drive me to tears at times? I seriously think there is something wrong with me at times, as I can't help shake feeling so alone despite my current family and friends. Some one say enjoy everyday, every moment now, but I can't help but be realistic in knowing that someday these things will be removed from my life without my say and I am terrified of that day getting closer and closer with every hour that passes on the clock.

A step back

"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you." (Galations 4: 8 -11)

It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.

It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.

There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.

And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?

The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.

My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.

Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.

I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.

We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.

Ever seem like you can't win?

Today seemed like it started okay, but then my wife and I had a small 'episode' this morning at 7:45.

See, I get the mail every day and usually place the mail in one of two places: either the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. I take my bills out and pay them, she takes her bills out and pays hers.

This morning she opened one of the utility bills and noticed it was twice the normal amount and asked me why. I took a look and noticed that last months wasn't paid, hence the "past amount due" for 1/2 the price.

Before I knew it, it was my fault it didn't get paid. Why you ask? Because she never saw the bill from last month. I was then told I never put the mail in the same place. She was infuriated, made her faces, turned her back on me, walked away and slammed the door.

I just stood there for a second. Excuse my language, but what the H-E- double hockey sticks just happened? Why am I the bad guy to be on the receiving end of her ill attitude and apparant disgust and anger because the bill wasn't paid on time?

I got in my car and began to drive to work, but I didn't make it more than 2 blocks before I picked up my cell phone an called home. She picked up.

"Yes?" she answered.....great, one word....I can see this is going to be fun.

"What was that all about? Why is this my fault? Why are you angry?" I inquired, feeling my own temper beginning to escalate.

"I'm not angry."

"You could have fooled me. You shook your at me, turned your back on me and walked away and slammed the door as I was talking."

"You misread me?"

"Huh? How could I have misread that? Then what is the matter?"

"You never put the mail in the same place."

"What? I pick up the mail and I either put in on the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. What. Do you think I select which bills I decide to show you and which one I don't. Do you think I secret away bills to the bathroom, the bedroom, and segregate them in to piles I randomly place about the house?"

"I didn't say that."

"No, but explain to me why I just received that treatment? If you pay the bill every month, and you notice you don't pay one for a while, did you think that maybe the utility company decided to give us a freebie? Did it occur to you maybe the bill got lost? Maybe either you or I accidently threw it away? The service hasn't been turned off....What's the difference if you paid it last month on time, or double now?...it's the same amount."...I was on roll now and feeling my anger mounting. You're going to complain to me about a bill that's late that amounts to $100? I thought. Here, you can take the $2500 mortgage payment I make every month.

She was silent a second and then re-iterated she wasn't mad at me. Yeah...right...okay....because you always come out in your bathrobe in the garage, quiz me on a bill, shake your head, stomp away, and slam the door without saying good-bye.

I don't know why, but right now I am angry. I'm angry that she got angry with me, from what my perspective is totally ludicrous, uncalled for, and illogical.

Lord, why do I allow these things to get under my skin, especially between myself and my wife. I need to pray to shake the small stuff, to let go, to find peace in this....but right now I can't. I need to forgive her and I need forgiveness as well. It was a simple oversight; the whole matter easily rectified and can be taken care of. Why was I a target this morning? Why did I feel the need to bite back? Why am I letting this fester in my mind? Jesus, please take this from me.

Depression - Filling the Meds (Part 8)

Note: This post is looong overdue. It is a continuation of of a series of posts I want to share with you all in hopes that I not only help myself, but help someone else out there as well who may be going through the same things I did and occasionally still do. I'm not sure if depression in curable. Sometimes I equate it in my mind with cancer....as if it is always there just under the surface...perhaps currently in remission by both medication and God's grace, but the knowledge it may rear its ugly head again scares me.

So here I was standing at the pharmacy counter of my local CVS. Just the day before I had seen a 'shrink' and came home to my wife and explained to her that in not so many words that he would like to put me on Lexapro and Clonapen. There was still a portion of me that was in denial and disbelief. Again, when I look in the mirror, I see a pretty well fit and athletic guy....a guy who used to have a lot of friends and was considered the 'life' of the party. A decent looking guy that before he was married had no problem dating. But here I was...feeling alone, and tense, and unhappy, and nervous, and most of all ashamed of myself.

Ashamed of what, I cannot fully describe or put into exact words. Here I was, again, with a slip of paper with some scribble on it....a tangible reminder staring back at me and telling me I was a failure. I hated being married right then and there. I loathed trudging back into work and dealing with people I believed to be a hinderance and a contsant annoyance to me. I was empty spiritually, though deep down there was a gnawing at my heart...perhaps I was hungry a relationship with Him and just didn't know it yet. Heck...I was going going to church...but more out of obligation and guilt than I was getting fed....but at the time I didn't really care. While I though the notion of God abandoning me was 'not right', I did feel I was on perpetual 'hold' with Him.

When the young pharmacist took my slip and acknowledged me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was looking at me with judging eyes. Perhaps she too thought I was a loser, and she'd treat me with kid gloves. I had a hard time making eye-contact with her as I felt I just wanted to get out of there. Finally she took my information and told me to come back later, after work, for my pick-up. Great, just great....now I have to think about this all day, and return in a walk of shame to come and pick up my 'happy pills'.

Work that day just seemed like any typical day....going through the motions....checking the clock every so often. Why are people so stupid, I thought. Here I sit putting on a happy face, while deep down inside I wanted zero interaction with anyone.

All this time I thought I was doing a decent job of hiding my moods, but apprantly I wasn't fooling anybody except myself. In time I would learn that many of my coworkers, while they still liked me....did indeed think I had changed...that I looked more weary and tired.

That evening I picked up by vials of pills and came home. Thankfully my wife wasn't home, and I took my first Lexapro in silence. I knew nothing was going to happen right away. I am smart enough to know it was going to take a few days for my body to regulate and start adjusting to the synthetic chemicals in my body and trick my brain into who-knows-what.

I tried to hide the bottles that night. I didn't want my wife to see these obvious orange containers as a reminder that her husband who is strong on the outside is weak in the inside, ready to crack at a moments notice. Little good it did me as for when she got home that evening, the first thing she quizzed me on is if I picked up my 'medicine'. Oh, is that what we are calling it? My 'medicine'? Heck, I don't know what I wanted it called....I basically didn't want to talk about it at all. It would be my little secret, not to be shared with family, friends, church, co-workers, neighbors....anyone. Just my wife and my shrink.

To be continued.....

Make a Joyful Noise...or at least listen to them.

"Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites

Well, they said it was time for changing
Rise and shine
Everybody's making it, but you
And they told you to trust your dreaming
But it's hard to believe a feeling
That you just don't know

Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites

You've been trying to walk on water
In the end everybody
Walked all over you
Now, you don't like the sight of mirrors
Cause you're scared that the face
You'll see, will look just like before"

- excerpts from 'Satellites', by September.

Let me first say, in case you are wondering (and I suspect a few of you are), that the angels in this song are not referring to heavenly/spiritual angels of God, but to people we think are super special here on earth, and come to find out, they have issues just like everyone else does, because they are in fact human.

Now that that is out of the way, I wanted to share this song with you. If you ever get a chance to hear it, please try to, a few times. One time listen to the lyrics (I didn't post them all here), then the next, listen to the 'music'...that's right, listen to the melody and the beat and the synthesizers. It's actually an upbeat tune...it should be...it's on the European and American dance charts.

So why did I post this song? Well, I suppose number one, I cannot get it out of my head the last few days, and maybe the only reason for that is that I am 'meant' to share it. I dunno. I also think because the lyrics speak so much to me...."Don't you cry, because you're crawling, Start again, it's a beautiful morning" How cliche, but how true indeed!!

When I was going through my depression, my mother bought me a gospel CD. She believed that the words and music, even if I wasn't really paying attention, would help me on a subconscious level to lift my spirits. I'm not so sure about that, but I can't deny the idea or logic behind it.

I do know that music does indeed have an effect on me.

When I was into weightlifting before my surgeries, certain genres of music or certain songs really got my adrenaline pumping. I swear I could lift an extra 10 lbs, or I had an extra set in me if I was listening to something with a lot of energy.

Certain songs also made me feel invincible. Who can deny the Rocky Theme when about to undergo some physical test? Or maybe "I can't drive 55" when getting behind the wheel of a fast car. The Superman Theme and the Imperial March (from Star Wars) always made me feel a few inches taller and my stride much more solid.

The same is for depression and happiness. I'm happy to say, for the most part, I have been more at peace with life in general the last few weeks than I had been before for years. Sure, there are those few news stories and topical incidents that can put a minor damper on things, and I'm not around skipping or throwing daisies in the air...but I do feel better overall.

I'm sure that God has much to do with this, but if it isn't spiritual, then I know the immediate effects of music.

One of the reason's 'Satellites' resonates with me so much now is that I sit in my car, twice a day, in traffic for about 30 minutes each way, to and from work. During that time I figure I'm enclosed in my little glass and steel shell, and what better way than to surround myself with upbeat and energetic music? One nice thing about my car is that I have an 8 speaker system (including 2, 10" sub woofers) I listen to XM radio, specifically the BPM channel...dance music 24x7. I crank my stereo up, and before you know it I am in my own Flash Dance session!.

I am surrounded by beats and thumps and strong vocal. The energy pours out of my speakers, and my soul is like a sponge and I try and gather each drop. When I get out of my car I feel a few years younger. I feel like I can lift those weights again! I feel 'okay' with the world and those within it. And I thank God above for these artists talents, and the ears that I am given to hear them. I thank God for the serotonin released within my head.

Go ahead....Try it....Let loose just once....who cares what the others driving next to you think. For those few minutes, you are at the concert of your choice, and it's just you. Turn it up...Sing...Make a joyful noise in His honor. Let the music penetrate your every pore and feel good about it for a few minutes.

Forgiveness...Is it possible amongst men?

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (NLT, Matthew 6:14-15)

Today is 9/11 and I'm sure like most Americans and others across the globe, this day is a significant day in social history. Over 3000 people died this day six years ago in an event that unfortunately plays itself over and over almost more often than one would think in other countries and in other times past that don't always make the news. And just as unfortunately, it usually revolves around religious ideologies.

When I awoke this morning my mind was dueling with my heart regarding the forgiveness of fellow our fellow man. I have learned to forgive over the years, but I haven't mastered the concept...whether in dealing with others or even myself.

I've been angry at myself many times in the past for situations I have put myself in, or made foolish decisions about, ending up hurting someone I cared for, myself, or my walk with God. I haven't always forgiven everybody because of stubborness, or just the fact I don't want to thnk about those things anymore.

September 11, 2001. Six years later I still get angry. Angry at certain cultures. Angry at certain relisions, ideologies, mindsets and to be honest...sometimes I wish God's wrath would be strong today as it was in the old testament, but then I remind myself that I too am a sinner...daily in fact....and that wrath is just as equally justified against me than it is other heinous men and their actions.

Yet Christ has the power and the gift to forgive.....

...And I struggle to do the same....

...and I fail.

I had been thinking about this concept of forgiveness today in regards to my ownself and how I feel about people, and maybe I was getting closer to an understanding...and then a news story totally unrelated to 9/11 shattered that concept.

Stories: Tobey the Dog part 1 & Tobey the Dog part 2

The gist of the story is this: 3 teen boys, ages 12, 14 & 16 stole a neighbors young small dog...and tortured it to death. They took turns throwing the dog out of a two story window until the dogs legs were broken. At that point they hung it from a tree, beat it like a pinata, until the dog was decapiated. Arresting officers say the boys have shown no remorse.

I read this story in horror and the following thoughts and emotions came to me:

1. Deep sadness and empathy for the little girl whose dog was stolen and killed. Can you imagine the scars she will now carry the rest of her life?


2. Empathy for God's creation in Tobey, the dog... I cannot fathom the cruelty placed upon him, his being scared as to why this was happening, where his owner was, and when would it end? Did Christ feel this way when he was being dragged to his crucifixition? I imagine so, but 100 times more!


3. What was wrong with these boys? What would prompt them? No feelings of remorse? What chance do these three have in society as they grow up?


4. My own anger! I'm honest in saying this is why I say I loathe people! I want to take each boy and inflict a measure of my own carnal justice.


5. Forgiveness. How can I? Can I forgive them as easily as Christ can knowing the stae of their hearts. Through his mercy and grace can he forgive these boys. While I am commanded by Christ to love my neighbor and my enemy, I feel I have yet failed again. My anger burns hard and deep right now. My heart both cries in pain and turns to stone again at the thought of my fellow man.

How can I forgive? It is so easily said and commanded by our savior, yet it seems my own capacity diminshes with each passing day.

All I can do is pray for this young girl and her family and trust the Lord gives her peace. I also pray that these boys someday will indeed feel remorse and ask for forgiveness and that Christ will grant it to them. I also pray for myself for my mind is clearly in control when I think of this, and forgiveness is so far from my being right now....

Neighborhood Drama - Part II

Sorry it's been a few days since the last post. I tweaked my back and have been in a bit of pain, nothing a little rest and aspirin haven't fixed. The problem with breaking up a post like this from the last is that when a few days past, my mood changes slightly and the overall train of thought and tone tends to change.

I can say, I'm proud of my wife. She has remained pretty strong the last few days and hasn't gone back to the neighbor to try and work things out, which I think for the time being is a wise move.

I'm a little surprised (or maybe I'm not) that the offending neighbor hasn't tried to call my wife to apologize either. Tonight my wife will be going out with some of her more mature girlfriends from work to celebrate a birthday among the group, which I'm happy for. She won't be around tonight to hang out with the neighborhood crowd.

I did catch her talking to one neighbor on the phone though earlier this week who confided in my wife that she also felt something was awry on that 'end' of the block. I had mixed feelings about that call. On one hand I told my wife that she really lets to need this drop right now and not get sucked into anything, saying something she may regret later. On the other hand the caller was more 'proof' to me, and my wife for that matter, that there is 'evil' (for lack of a better word) afoot and as Christians we must vigilant and pray. Pray for our emotional protection, pray for our ethical and moral dilemmas, and pray that non-believers see the folly of denial of a higher power and that a softening of the heart takes place.

Saturday night I'll be taking my wife out, which has a secondary beneficial effect of once again seperating her from bad influence on the street. The big test will come next Monday when she is supposed to go bowling and may find herself in an awkward position of having to re-visit what happened last week with the woman who gave her a hard time. I'm not sure who's more scared, my wife or myself.

Neighborhood Drama - Part I

I really don't often get the chance to minister or evangelize to my wife, nor am I sure I am mature enough in Christ to find the exact words, or qualified to be handing out sage advice knowing my past troubles, insecurities, and without looking like a hypocrite.

That's one thing that has been a self-stumbling block of mine for years and it oxymoronic when I think about it. My own pride and whats left of my ego prevents me from standing out in a crowd in fear of being labeled a hypocrite, for I am quite aware of my short comings. I'm probably more conscious of my faults than anyone else and self-judgemental, and I always have this inner dialogue reprimanding myself "Who is going to listen to you...when you yourself are so unworthy and are a sinner?"

That's something I will have to work out on my own I suppose...in time.

Anyway, my wife came in from the neighborhood BBQ, a little tipsy, but in tears. It was late, and I had already removed myself from the party a few hours earlier, just looking for a nice hot shower and some sound sleep. Instead, I found I got very little sleep at all.

God does indeed work in mysterious ways, and just now as I write this do I realize that once again, it is in His timing, not mine.

There is an individual on my street that is a self proclaimed atheist. Even before I knew she was, I told my wife once when she asked what my issue was with her (because I guess she sensed my overly cautious stance with the neighbor), I simply said that my 'spider-sense' was tingling...that I could not put my finger on it, but be careful. "You can be be friends with her, but guard your words." My wife thought I was a little too protective and had no basis for my feelings. Then we found out she was a very adamant and outspoken (usually under the right circumstances....alcohol involved) atheist.

So my wife walks into our bedroom at about midnight in tears. I ask what is wrong, but I can tell alcohol is involved as my wife speech was slightly off. She went on to explain she had a falling out with the neighbor this evening, and that the neighbor had made some very unfounded, unfair, and harsh generalizations about my wife's friendship with her, our marriage, and placed my wife in the middle of some 'warring' neighbors.

It's not important or even relevant to as why two sets of neighbors are warring, just that my wife and I have taken a neutral stance...not wanting to get involved...because it's not our place, we don't want to pick side on something we don't know about, and we don't want to add fuel to the fire. I tell my wife that is why I remove myself sometimes from these neighborhood situations, because though I may be silent and in the background, I see and observe things that don't sit well with me and I can see the tension that no one else can.

My wife feels that she has lost a friend, and not sure even what happened, and why this neighbor was so 'mean' and condemning. I tried to calm her down the best way I could, and remind her it's late, it was hot outside, people were drinking, and people say things they don't really mean under these circumstances. (Personally, I am not positive this person was ever my wife's 'friend' to begin with....just someone who uses her.)

My wife wanted to go back and rip into this person, but I rationally explained that it would make her look vindictive, add more fuel to the fire, and not accomplish anything in the end, other than give the neighbor one more reason to abhor Christians. All we can do is sit tight, hold your head up high, sleep on it, guard your words and actions, and pray.

I told my wife I had been praying for this neighbor all week....not necessarily to be our friend, but for her salvation. I may not see eye-to-eye, or like being around this person, but that doesn't mean I want to see her in hell. I am commanded by Christ to pray for her soul, and try not to judge, but through our examples lead her to God. Easier said than done, but never give up. (Funny I say 'never give up', when I myself wanted to throw in the towel so many times before.)

I went further to explain some of the observations I have witnessed over the last few weeks and months and it all seemed to make sense to my wife, like a light went on inside her head, and she started to see how events unfold over time and that this person is a cause for strife and anxiety and a divider. I equated these actions to the actions of Satan, how he tries to divide us, to confuse us, to take the things we hold sacred (like friendships) and when the moment is right....STRIKE. I explained the reason she was here crying now and the other person wasn't was that because my wife has some semblance of the spirit inside her, and because she cares. That's what separates her from others, like me....I cry as a man because people let me down, and I get sad, and I care...too much at times.

To be continued....

Marriage Class

Tuesday evening was a little tense when I got home, and as I suspected, my wife was a little 'put-off' by seeing me as I was of her. But I decided to break the ice and speak in a calm and rational manner to see what her 'issue' was. It also wasn't a surprise to me her response as we seem to have danced this waltz a few times before.

Time, and hopefully prayers, heals hurt and by Wed. things seemed to be okay.

This morning I received an e-mail from my wife asking if I knew one of our neighbors was a pastor at a local Christian church. Actually, I did know that as I learned that after having a few disucssions with him over the past 3 years we've lived there.

He is holding some 'marital' courses in the upcoming weeks and somehow he managed to get my wife's email (how, I do not know) and sent her some descriptions and dates.

I cannot help but believe this is indeed the Lord coming in and taking not of my prayers and extended an innocent offering to my wife. Of course I jumped right on it and said, 'We should check one out', and she AGREED! What? I sit dumbfounded and thankful. She even suggested I go ahead and register us. So here is the outline of our class I signed us up for.....it's right up or alley, praise God!!

Marriage Class: Relational Intimacy
Why doesn't he talk with me like he used to?
We used to never argue like this before!
Isn't sex a central part of intimacy?
What happened to the romance in our relationship?

Most of us marry wiht the idea that our lives will sustain the feelings of relational bliss we had when we were dating. What we find is that reality is much more complex and other things compete for our attention. We worry about careers, money, appointments, repairs, bills, kids... no wonder we feel distance from our spouses. Together, you can experience a deeper marital intimacy that will have a stronger influence on where and how you spend your time, than the pull of everyday life.

This class is one of five stand alone classes designed to give you a picture of what a healthy relationship looks like. So whether you’re thinking about marriage, engaged to be married, or have been married for years, join us for Marriage Class: Relational Intimacy!

Happy Meal = Happy Thoughts

Funny how the small things in life can also change your day. It might not have an everlasting impact, but enough to change your mood for the better, at least temporarily.

I'm really not looking forward to going home today. I dread the awkward silence that will be in the room once I walk in my house. Do I just ignore my wife due to my lingering anger and wait for her to say something to me, or do I pretend nothing at all happened and hope for the best....that maybe I was just having an off day and feeling sorry for myself, and I used my wife as an excuse to justify my negative mood.

I don't know. I wish I could say I don't care, but I do, it's just I my heart and mind aches....and that takes a mental toll on me and causes fatigue I really don't want or need. I hate to say I'm a defeatist, but we can resolve the first few days and all will be hunky dory for a few weeks until the inevitable happens again.

Isn't that sad? That I am already expecting and dreading the next time. All I can do is hopefully stretch out the peace between us for as long as I can, and hope that God intervenes somehow and someway. Either towards me or my wife, but something has to change. Why do I dread and fear it's going to be me?

I had a headache most of the morning. Most likely due to mental duress and angst from last night. I took two Tylenol this morning and it really took its time to start working. I tried to listen to some christian talk radio today. I listen to learn, but boy does it sound as if everything applies to me. Like everything that is said, I can draw some analogy of my own life experience, and I wonder if I am indeed too critical of myself.

I had an excellent lunch, and let me tell you....it did wonders for my mind and spirit for that brief hour. There's a reason they call certain dishes 'comfort food'. It goes beyond chicken soup aiding a cold, or ice cream to sooth an upset tummy or cure a sweet tooth.

Today it was a warm panini sandwich on Italian herbed and rosemary infused focacia bread. It was smoked and warm chicken breast, ribboned basil, slivered red onion, smoked gooey and melted Italian cheese and a warm chipotle ranch spread.

That was 'heaven' to me while it lasted. Each bite tasted better than the first and I was savoring every morsel, sadly watching it disappear before my eyes. It came with freshly brewed ice-tea as well, not some tea from concentrate, or overly sweetened chemical concoction. No, these were tea leaves picked and steeped in real clean water and had a distinct organic and fresh taste.

I had to thank God to allow me that simple sojourn of peace. How easy it is to forget the little things in life, like a good sandwich, the flavors so intense that there is no room for anger and bitterness at that moment.

Maybe I'll go home and just see if my wife wants to go out to dinner. Maybe both our moods will change? Maybe I will have the wisdom to speak...or maybe the wisdom to silence my harsh tongue for harsh words can cut like a knife and hurt just as bad, and quite frankly, I'm a little 'tired' of hurting right now.

So, I guess my advice to you...when things seem to be dire and out of your control...at least for the time being...go out and have a nice meal and think of all the ingredients that made it up, and where they came from, and how God brought these wonderful things into being for us to enjoy and ruminate on.

Sitting In Neutral...and a special note.

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in the mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was." - James 1:19-24 NASB

I wish I could say that I did not let the sun go down on my anger yesterday. I really tried. It could have been worse I suppose, but needless to say the enemy was able to needle me in the stillness of the night and therefor I was restless...my thoughts drifting to scenarios that were clearly not of God. But at that moment in time, the mind can become one's own worst enemy, and my thoughts began to betray my own nature and I found myself concocting future arguments with my wife that will probably never happen.

It got so bad at one point, I was picturing a horrible anniversary that is still months away. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered about divorce, but also knew that was the 'easy', 'worldly' way out of a tough spot.

But why, oh why does it have to be so tough? Cannot my wife see the frustrations on my face, the burdens on my shoulder, the pain in my heart? Are we really that un-evenly yoked? I pray for us. I pray for me...to ask God for peace and maturity and to take control of the situation. I pray for her, that she would come to desire the Lord like I do, to recognize the folly of some of her ways. I pray for us...to return to the love we once shared before we got married.

My feelings were very hurt yesterday. As indicated, my wife went out for her social Monday as usual, but last night she came much later than she has before. I came home to an empty house yesterday at 5:30pm, and put myself to bed at 10pm. My wife came home at 10:30pm and we did not exchange ANY words. She showered and went to bed.

I was upset, but feared if I opened my mouth to say anything....what would it have gotten me? Another long argument? I'd probably say some things I would later regret. And I'm not positive I want to hear anything out of her mouth. Why do I feel so disrespected and ignored in my own house? The house that I pay for?

Yes, she had some drinks last night, and shortly after her head hit the pillow she was sound asleep. This made me even more upset. Here, I sit home alone not knowing when she is coming home, and when she finally does, she falls asleep without any words between us.

I stared at the ceiling until after midnight, seething. I prayed for peace, for comfort, for connection....it was not found.

I took my pillows and made my bed on the couch. The dog slept next to me. And I'll admit, I could feel so much tension inside my body I took a Clonapen to try and relax. I haven't taken one in months, but I felt I needed something to put me off to slumber land lest I really be miserable today.

I got up this morning and went to work. I did manage to say goodbye to her, but I think she was still asleep.

It takes me 25 minutes to get to work, and those 25 minutes are filled with all the events replaying in my head over and over. I don't know what to do, or what to say.

Then I received a comment from a reader who did not know the events that transpired last night and said he found strength in my blog, for he felt similar things in regards to depression and loneliness and not knowing what the point is of everything. That made me fell good, that is that he felt strength in reading my blog. Believe me, my life seems to be a constant struggle and often I too wonder 'whats the point', for my life has been full of heartache, frustration, and disappointment these last few years. There was a point where I didn't care either...that is, I didn't care if I woke up or not the next morning.

So why do I plug on? Because I know there is a God...if nothing else, He loves me. Sure I may have my moments I wish to forget, but they are replaced by moments of pure peace...I just wish they came more often. I often see God's grace and unconditional love through my dog. Staring into the eyes of my puppy gives me a certain peace that people cannot seem to provide.

People are wicked...including myself...for the Bible declares this to be true. We are born into sin, all of us, and all of us reside in a sinful state. I'm not so sure about animals. The joy and comfort and security they give us.....my dog gives me a reason to continue as funny as that sounds. It was through my dog that I rediscovered the God I knew that was always there, but had forgotten about. My dog let me know that there was more to life than the silly antics of humans and our complex relationships full of ego and deception.

I believe God allowed me to have a dog in my life to help ground me because I was so volatile and confused.

I'm going to stop here for now because I think I'm losing focus and need to recollect organize my thoughts.

Taking two steps back

"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." (Ephesians 4:26 NASB)

Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you understanding over the situation you are facing. His wisdom and insight will change your perspective on the situation. Understand that at times there is more then meets the eye going on in the person who may have hurt you. Situations in the present trip undealt with issues from the past off. We haven't fully dealt with something until we have been to the cross. - author unknown.

For some reason I knew my good mood the last few days was too good to last. It seemed as if by no measure of my own, things began to slide backwards and downwards for me the last 72 hours.

When I get angry and frustrated, I tend to keep it bottled up inside, unable to express my 'true' emotions in fear of hurting myself, others, or looking like a complete ass. Since I keep this negativity within me, with no real available outlet, my emotions take on other forms. In my case, I tend to cry. That's right, my eyes tend to well up and I fight back tears instead of putting my first through a wall or smashing something even though I'd really like to.

So why am I angry today. Oh, the typical wifely modus operandi.....she has no money. That is, she has no money for specific obligations and things that take priority in life, but manages to find the funds for her social life. It is very upsetting to me, and I don't know how many times we can talk about this without it escalating into a war of words that I really don't have the energy to hear the excuses for anymore. After four years of marriage, I would like to think that my wife would put some marital and financial obligations first before instead of her 'oh, so precious' social life.

It's one thing to let our spouses enjoy some fun and have a life, but when it constantly involves drinking with non-believers, and I know her hard earned money is paying for bar tabs a few times a week, I really have a hard time swallowing or even listening too "I have no money" when it comes to things like the electric bill, or the bill from the vet for our dog.

We can talk and go around and around until the cows come home. She can give me every justification, excuse, story, whatever....in the world. It comes down to what I see:

If money is involved; there is little of it for the important things, but there is plenty of it if there are drinks involved. It goes hand-in-hand with: "I'm too tired to go to church, or too tired to walk the dog, too tired, to visit with family.....Oh wait, you mean it's a party that starts at 9pm? I'm in!"

I pray and I pray and I pray. I get angry, I get frustrated, I become disappointed, I become resentful. Funny I say this after my last two posts regarding 'unsaid love'.

Today my wife made a quip in an e-mail that sent me over the edge. She has the next few days off from work and will be spending them at home. I asked her to take the dog in for his annual checkup. She said "Okay, but how much is that going to cost?" I replied, "I don't know, are you short?" In return I received: "No, I just wasn't planning on a vet bill & don't have any extra $$ it will just come out of my horse racing money...no biggie"

????

You see, she is going with the neighbors to the track this weekend in which I was invited, but I declined. Why? Because these are with our non-believer neighbors, and I don't want to be privy to all the drinking since I myself have a tendency and a weakness to drink socially. I also realize that I'm not a gambler, and our money should be going elsewhere, but I don't want to deny my wife an outing.

What bothers me was the quip that she'd have to, (god forbid), use her racing money. This is the same person who bitched the other day because our electric bill topped $200 because we ran the air conditioner because of the recent heatwave. This again, is the same person who couldn't help pay the mortgage this last month, but had enough money to take her other friends out to lunch on Saturday, and buy breakfast for the other neighbors on Sunday, and go out bowling tonight!

Yes, I'm angry. I'm livid. I feel like taking her purse away from her. But what good is that going to do, but make me look like an ass? Like I'm controlling? Like I'm that recluse husband that is about to go postal (I sure feel like it).

I'm doing everything in my power right now to pray about it. I plan on talking to one of my church counselors tonight....not just for the state of our marriage and because I do not know what to do any longer, but because I know if I let this get under my skin (which it pretty much already has), it's just a matter of time before I slip back into the past and say something stupid, or worse, do something stupid that'll end me back up on the tranquilizers.

How can two people, who love each other, be so far apart?

Unsaid love, Part II...

First, thank you to the commenter who gave me the passage in Mark yesterday. That helps me out in satisfying my curiosity, but I can't help but wonder why Christ made such a strong statement about marriage here on earth, but doesn't appear to have any meaning in heaven.

So as I wrote my post yesterday, many thoughts went through my head. It was like a VCR on rewind, and pause, and play, and rewind again. In my mind I saw a lot of good things, but I also saw a lot of bad things.

I often reminisce about the days in which we dated. I was dating a few people at the time, and my past is one mired in physical relationship after physical relationship. Part of my depression seemed to stem from the fact I was having these momentary moments of coital bliss, but ultimately they were all headed for failure, and I often wondered towards God why none of them ever lasted. Though on the surface most men, including myself, are in denial....but I'd dare say they all failed because sex and fun came first....not God.

I may be a lot of thing, or have been in the past, but one thing I always took seriously was marriage...or the concept of. I believed very strongly, and still do (one point I never wavered on) that marriage is indeed a contract with God. I may have broken commandments and such, but I promised myself that the only way we'd be separated is through death or she would have to divorce me.

That has honestly led to some difficult times in my own mind. At the high (or I guess low) of my depressive state when I was taking several medications, one of the things I thought about were those fleeting moments of past relationships. While none of them lasted, I 'missed' the finer moments and pleasant memories of those dalliances, and mostly those memories were of a physical nature...not of unpaid bills, arguments on raising kids, why certain obligations are not being met, promises broken, priorities screwed up.

Man, that's a handful of posts all in itself....

So anyway, my wife e-mailed me yesterday, and from the brief nature and tone of her words, I knew she wasn't having a good day. She doesn't care for her job, but she cannot quit, and she won't go out and find a new job either. I don't want her to quit right now because I already find it difficult to foot 80% of our finances especially since I just stared a new job and our savings were depleted a tad when I was unemployed and was taking odd jobs. She wants to take a vacation, or at least the honeymoon we never took....and I don't blame her. In the four years we've been married, there seems that something has always come up preventing us from taking more than 3 days off (and two of those are usually the weekend).

I replied to her that I love her, and that I am sorry I don't always express it the way I should. I explained that my frustrations are born out of the fact that I do indeed care and love her, but feel a distance at times. Some of that I have brought upon myself, others have been by spiritual growth and my wife's inability to give up certain 'social' activities with immature friends and neighbors. That's one thing that really irks me....don't have money to pay bills, but plenty of money to have a few mixed drinks with the busy-body, gossiping hen neighbors. My spider-sense goes off around a few of them to the point I don't want to be around a few of them lest I open my mouth and say something I'd regret....and probably very un-christian like.

I have a few more months at my new job before I can even put in for a vacation, but we really do need to take off for a week....and re-connect. We've talked about a cruise forever, and that's something we'd both like to do. Why does my mind feel a bit angry though knowing I'm gonna pay for the whole thing. I know God is looking at me at shaking his head: "Son, money is nothing to me and should not be your god. Worry not about tomorrow for I will take care of you who have faith."

Man, I can be such a tool at times. I am getting better. I do have more moments of peace today than before, but I have a ways to go still. Anyway, I feel that my telling her in email that I love her and think about her a lot and pray for us wasn't the most ideal way...but I was caught up in the moment at that point in time. I suppose it's better than doing nothing at all.

Unsaid Love

Anyone who says marriage is easy, I say they are not being honest with themselves or the situation. Even for the most evenly yoked personalities I cannot imagine there not ever being an 'off' day here and there. People are people, and people at their rawest aspects have tendencies of putting themselves first. Not sure if that is an outcome of the original sin, but I cannot see how it isn't at least tied to it in some way.

By our basic human natures, we are selfish to a certain level. Sure, there are those that can hide it very well, or at least appear to be unselfish, but somewhere along the line we all falter.

And to those that say that the key to a happy marriage is 'communication', I also say that sounds good until your spouse disagrees with you on any subject. To say ignorance is bliss is to sweep problems under the rug, to let them fester until resentment is born and harbored.

My wife and I have been married almost four years. I love her, however, I sometimes question what my definition of 'love' is. I even surprise myself that I haven't figured this out yet. There are days, sad to say, I feel that I love her more than others. Is it because I am not a great communicator in that emotional realm? Is it because we are not evenly yoked? Is it because I have not devoted my whole marriage to God, or because I let my own insecurities put up a wall around my heart? Because after a few years I'm bored? Because I'm depressed? Because I'm not generally happy and I let that bleed over into my marital outlook? Maybe because like any person, I sometimes get disappointed by her lack of actions or priorities.

Nonetheless, I suppose it's fair to say she feels the same about me on certain days.

I cannot recall if the Bible even mentions the concept of marriage in heaven....that is, when we die and are present in heaven, is marriage recognized between former spouses? There is no clear indication I am aware of, so I suppose I am strapped to contemplate what marriage means in my mortal form.

It's not always happy.

At least not for me.

Part of the problem is our lack of communication between us. I suppose some of that is based in fear. Fear that neither one of us wants to be up front and honest, lest it begins an epic argument neither of us wants to spend the energy on.

So we become complacent.

Complacency breeds emotional staleness. I've felt a bit stale lately. I know I love my wife, but sometimes I also feel as though we are actually just roomies, and that saddens me. We do do separate things on occasion, and we are both headstrong. Sometimes I feel as if I have had no support from her at all....like when I lost my job. I felt very alone. As a husband, that saddened me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. Sometimes I admit I even had resentment of our marriage because I felt she wasn't participating as I 'thought' spouses should act during trying times.

My wife tells me she loves me, and sometimes I admit, it doesn't feel like it phases me. Like the words have no effect because I jaded myself, somehow, somewhere, sometime.

I met my wife and some neighbors at a local watering hole the other day, not because I wanted to really be there, but for some reason I felt obligated to show up...though my heart wasn't really into it.

My wife excused herself for a minute to use the restroom, and my neighbors turned to me in her absence. "You know....Your wife really loves you. She talks about you a lot in a favorable manner."

I was stunned....and speechless...and digesting this information and not knowing how to respond. On the one hand, I felt very good and flattered. On the other hand, I felt saddened or some emotion somewhat analogous to it. I wonder why she doesn't express herself like that to me when we are alone? Funny, it doesn't feel like it at times.

Those simple heart felt words took on a totally different meaning when coming from a neighbor than out of the mouth of my wife. I feel guilt and ashamed to a certain degree....and elated...and confused on where our communications of emotions broke down. And are either one of us too stubborn to admit it and work on it.

Stress

The last few days it seems my stress levels have been slightly elevated, specifically in regards to personal finance and salvation.

While it seems these are two totally un-related subjects, there are portions of both that complex and seem to overlap.

Overall, I have less stress today than a year ago. No recent panic attacks. No shortness of breath. No severe tightening in the chest. But my sleep is a little restless, I tend to have more vivid and chaotic dreams as of late, and my patience with my wife and dome of her priorities seem to push my buttons just right.

Coupled with all that above, I've been reading a lot of Revelations lately, and subject matter on the various judgements, those being the Bema and the Great White Throne judgement. I've not only been thinking of my own salvation, but I have had a lot of random thoughts in my head regarding the salvation of my friends and families, and now complete strangers.

With the recent earthquake in Peru, the suicide bombings in Iraq, plane crashes, mine colapses, fires and random violence, it just seems as if hundreds are dying at any givin moments and I cannot help but wonder the state of their hearts and souls. I know Christ says not to worry about tomorrow, but I find that very hard not to do! I worry about a lot of things, including myself, and now complete strangers. While I don't think that is entirely bad, I also know it is becoming somewhat consuming and makes me unbale to relax. I really do need a vacation. Sure I could save money and buy something for our house, but it seems thats all I do......Save money for something that always seems to need to be fixed or replaces....yet I hardly spend any money on 'frivoulous' things like weekend getaways.

I was watching the BBC series Planet Earth, and I cannot tell you in those three hours how many wonderful things I saw that I woudl like to experince myself. There was a whole segment on Panda bears, and at the end of 20 minutes, I secretly now have a desire to go to China. Not to Hong Kong or Beijing.....but to go to the wilderness and see cherry blossom trees bloom. To smell what fresh bamboo smells like. Wierd?

I've had a glass of wine every night this week. There really is no reason why, other that the bottle is there, and at the moment there is a strong desire to have some. I don't even use a wine glass. I just pour it in a tumbler like I would a gin & tonic.

Last night my feet were sore. My body was aching from all the walking I do at work. By 9:30pm all I could think of was crawling in bed and having a peaceful sleep. I didn't make it to bed before 10:30, and I was sound asleep shortly thereafter. I had some not pleasant dreams....not really nightmares....but dreams that nonetheless made me feel uncomfortable, and they were spiritual in matter...that I am sure of. Visions of friends from years ago filled my mind. Some I haven't seen in 10 or more years...some even from high school, and all I knew was there was a feeling that their salvation was at stake. I awoke at around 2:45am and prayed silently. Not extactly 100% sure what I prayed for other than some peace of mind and one friend in particular. Maybe I should look him up and see how he is doing.

I finally got up this morning, and propably wasn't in the best of moods. My wife is delinquent on some bills that are supposed to be her responsibility, and to be honest, I don't try to pry to much on where her money goes. I do know that I feel her priorities are backwards at times, and she tends to put personal stuff ahead of marital stuff, and that bugs me to a certain extent. I've brought up my concerns before with what I consider valid examples and logic, but all then ends me up in is an argument. I often wonder how she would cope on her own if I or some other schlub wasn't around. Seriously, one thing that seems to keep our marriage everything that I think it should be is her non-prioritization of money. I notice that when it comes to certain bills, she often comes up short and the bill ends up in my lap, but she miracously has money to do things she wants in her social life. Her happy hour once or twice a week with her immature friends seems to take priority over more important things, and how dare I bring light to the situation lest I am holding finances over her head.

Yeah, my tone is a littel stronger today. A little un-christian like some may say, but hey...I'm human...and she ticks me off at times. Unless she walks a day in my shoes she has no idea how my mind and stress gets elevated.