A step back

"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you." (Galations 4: 8 -11)

It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.

It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.

There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.

And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?

The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.

My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.

Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.

I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.

We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.