Today is my Anniversary

4 years ago today my fiance and I stood before 150 people, most of them I did not know, and exchanged vows to become husband and wife.

When I was growing up, I always pictured my wedding day as a start to my new life. I could look forward to having a partner who loved me like no other and I could return that love unbridled. I looked for a partner whom I was sexually compatible with, that we could fulfill each others desires. I looked forward to having a child, perhaps even more, and one day maybe being a grandfather myself.

I pictured us being partners, 50-50, or as the old cliche states "For better or worse", and 'worse' never really entered my mind.

Last year on our third anniversary my wife chose to out with her girlfriends drinking after work which hurt me very deeply. Instead of celebrating our marriage, I was crying and she was indifferent towards me. That time frame was very troubling for me, and as I later found out very troubling for my wife.

We were at an impasse on who supported who and what marriage meant to each of us. Honestly, as much as I was hurt and disappointed with her decision that day, I can understand why she didn't want to be around me. It was during this time I had recently lost my job and I was indeed very depressed. I was on medication full tilt. Anything and almost everything would send me into a tailspin of despair and my wife didn't want to be around me lest I drag her down emotionally with me.

Where I thought she needed to be with me on our anniversary, I equated her love for me in direct conjunction with her obligatory presence. When she was not there, I thought this was a sign our marriage was over. Of course this fueled even more negative thoughts on my end. How could I go back and face these 150+ people, including our families, who celebrated our marriage just 3 years earlier and tell them it was a failure? On top of my tears and my meds, I figured I needed a little something extra that evening, so I turned to the bottle. Whisky....straight. It was during this time frame I really wondered what the heck did I ever see in this person I chose to marry? What did I see in myself? Was I destined to live a 'loveless' marriage, trapped by the contract I made with God at the altar? Did I really want to wake up the next morning, and every morning thereafter feeling this way? Where was that love? Can I please have it end right now?

How many more shots do I need this evening before the pain dissipates and numbs? How many more before I pass out?

A lot has changed in a year.

I rediscovered God and what being a Christian is like again. My wife and I are better...not perfect. We still argue at times, but not like we used to. We attended a couples class a few weeks back and discovered things about each other we were not 100% positive we knew about each other. My wife doesn't come to church with me, but I pray every week that our marriage grows stronger. I continually pray that God continues to work on my spirit, my issues, my health, and I also pray that He helps to change her heart not only towards me, but to God the Father, Himself. It's not always perfect, but Gods timing and reason are not my own.

Unfortunately this year my wife again will not be here for our 4th anniversary. This time I don't hold a grudge. She is away on business this time and calls me everyday. She asked what I have planned for us this Sunday when she returns. I don't have anything planned yet, but at least she's asking. I suppose that a good sign. And I suppose the fact I miss her is a good sign as well, though I'll be honest in saying my idea of marriage a few years ago in nothing like what I/we are experiencing between us now, and that does disappoint me on occasion.

I know that others have had a much tougher time with marriage with me, but I also know other who have it better, and I strive to be the latter, not the former. I'd like to think my wife feels the same way, and at times there are signs that is indeed the case, but not always.

Friends, please pray for me. Pray for my heart and that of my wife as well. That God can change both of us if we allow and desire Him to do so. Perhaps on our 5 year Anniversary, we will actually spend it together.