Yesterday I received yet another powerful message that seemed to mimic my life from church yesterday. It was in regards to submission. I think most Christians, if polled on submissions, would most likely cite the verse in which "wives are to submit to their husbands", and I think most men would argree that there are inferences that men should subit to their wives in many manners as well.
But do we submit in all facets in our lives? Do we submit to our children when they need encouragment and love? Do we submit to our neighbors when they are shouldering burdens and they need to built up? Do we submit to our co-workers and even our boss for the 'right' reasons and not because we are more worried about keeping our jobs?
It was pointed out that Jesus has a radical way of teaching unkown to man as a concept before. Men of the world rule through selfish means. It is a jockeying of position of puttings ones own interests in front of others in order to climb to the tob. Power came through strength, war, manipulation. Leaders often led through 'might is right', or by instilling fear in their subjects and their enemies.
Christ turned this way of thinking on its head through the teaching of 'submission'. That we could become respected leaders if we submitted through humility, through grace, through love.
After my first shoulder surgery, I did not subit to the doctors or my wife's advice. As soon as I could, I returned to the gym, and began to push myself....to return to my old ways. To recapture the muscle I had lost and the imposing features I once had that were now turning soft. I did not submit God's course of healing, and the result was doing additional damage and requiring a second operation that I could have avoided.
When I was unemployed, I did not submit. I did not trust in God and Christ to take care of me, even though they were going to anyway. I was angry at the 'world', I was angry at my formal employers, I was angry the cliches, I was angry that people were no longer calling me. I fought back in my own way. It was my problem, and 'I' was going to fix it. I did not submit that maybe this was God's will and that he had something else in mind for me. It may not pay as much, but the stress was something I could shoulder and allow my broken spirit, my broken body, and my broken mind to repair itself.
In my marriage, I don't always submit. We are both headstrong in certain areas and I'll admit sometimes my wife's logic in manners are hers alone, something I may never understand, and thus has caused grief and strains on our relationship. Submission here is much trickier and is a constant ebb and flow when emotions, finances, spiritual attunement, step children, bad habits are involved. I have learned to submit overtime in certain areas, and try and dig-in in others. But knowing whether I am submitting in the right areas is not always easy, especially when I am immature in the Word.
And finally, I think just as hard as it is in learning submission in marriage (and I can go on and on about that), was learning submission in the face of depression. When I was first told to seek counseling I did not want to submit. I finally did, but for the wrong reasons....to get my wife off my back was the primary reason. When I saw a shrink and he told me I was bi-polar and thought I was ADHD, I did not want to submit either. The first thing I thought was 'no-way, not me...you're telling me my head is not right and crazy'. The first time I took medications to regulate my brain chemistry, it took a lot for me to submit. I recall staring in the mirror and looking for signs (as if it were possible) of depression as if it would apear as a scar or a bruise before I would unscrew the caps of my bottles and take my first pills.
Overall, I think the hardest part of submission was submission to God the Father himself. I had always been a fixer, a fixer of my own problems. And now, everything was out of control and I could never get a firm grip. The harder I tried, the more thing would slip between my fingers. My marriage was shakey, my body was broken, my anger towards people was at an all time high, I was unemployed, I wanted to drink, I wanted to know why the chemicals within my head were off kilter, I wanted people to shut up, and for everytime I cried, I sank deeper and deeper and deeper. I won't lie to you....personal death was creeping into my psyche as a plausible option. The though of eternal rest was soubnding better and better as each day passed.
I can't really say what exact hour God finally broke through to me. I had thought I was a Christian for many years prior, but my faith was really helping up until this point. I know I broke down in front of an elder at my church, and I allowed him to take me off to an unoccupied room where I let it all go. And boy did I. I unloaded. I spoke volumes. I described everything I was thinking, and to this mans credit, he did not flinch when certain raw emotions and language came out between the sobs. And when it was over, there I was, exhausted. No more energy to shed another tear. I was a 5'11", 220 lb ball of spent meat and I could care less.
Then he prayed for me.
And sometime during this I submitted. I submitted to God and to Jesus Christ. I realized and I admitted I could no longer fix myself. I sat there for quite awhile and began to re-collect myself. I can't say it has always been roses from that point on, but it was the definitive moment. If I allowed myself to sink any lower at this point, I sometimes wonder if I would seriously be here right now writing this. However, once I allowed God to take over I began to view life somewhat differently. That was 1 year ago this month.
A lot has changed this past year. Not all of it has been hunky dory, and there are indeed times I take a stumble and certain emotions creep back in. My wife and I still argue as married couples are apt to do. I still have the occasional run ins with peers at my 'new' job, but overall, things are indeed much better. And a lot of that has comes through by means of submission.
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