Unsaid love, Part II...

First, thank you to the commenter who gave me the passage in Mark yesterday. That helps me out in satisfying my curiosity, but I can't help but wonder why Christ made such a strong statement about marriage here on earth, but doesn't appear to have any meaning in heaven.

So as I wrote my post yesterday, many thoughts went through my head. It was like a VCR on rewind, and pause, and play, and rewind again. In my mind I saw a lot of good things, but I also saw a lot of bad things.

I often reminisce about the days in which we dated. I was dating a few people at the time, and my past is one mired in physical relationship after physical relationship. Part of my depression seemed to stem from the fact I was having these momentary moments of coital bliss, but ultimately they were all headed for failure, and I often wondered towards God why none of them ever lasted. Though on the surface most men, including myself, are in denial....but I'd dare say they all failed because sex and fun came first....not God.

I may be a lot of thing, or have been in the past, but one thing I always took seriously was marriage...or the concept of. I believed very strongly, and still do (one point I never wavered on) that marriage is indeed a contract with God. I may have broken commandments and such, but I promised myself that the only way we'd be separated is through death or she would have to divorce me.

That has honestly led to some difficult times in my own mind. At the high (or I guess low) of my depressive state when I was taking several medications, one of the things I thought about were those fleeting moments of past relationships. While none of them lasted, I 'missed' the finer moments and pleasant memories of those dalliances, and mostly those memories were of a physical nature...not of unpaid bills, arguments on raising kids, why certain obligations are not being met, promises broken, priorities screwed up.

Man, that's a handful of posts all in itself....

So anyway, my wife e-mailed me yesterday, and from the brief nature and tone of her words, I knew she wasn't having a good day. She doesn't care for her job, but she cannot quit, and she won't go out and find a new job either. I don't want her to quit right now because I already find it difficult to foot 80% of our finances especially since I just stared a new job and our savings were depleted a tad when I was unemployed and was taking odd jobs. She wants to take a vacation, or at least the honeymoon we never took....and I don't blame her. In the four years we've been married, there seems that something has always come up preventing us from taking more than 3 days off (and two of those are usually the weekend).

I replied to her that I love her, and that I am sorry I don't always express it the way I should. I explained that my frustrations are born out of the fact that I do indeed care and love her, but feel a distance at times. Some of that I have brought upon myself, others have been by spiritual growth and my wife's inability to give up certain 'social' activities with immature friends and neighbors. That's one thing that really irks me....don't have money to pay bills, but plenty of money to have a few mixed drinks with the busy-body, gossiping hen neighbors. My spider-sense goes off around a few of them to the point I don't want to be around a few of them lest I open my mouth and say something I'd regret....and probably very un-christian like.

I have a few more months at my new job before I can even put in for a vacation, but we really do need to take off for a week....and re-connect. We've talked about a cruise forever, and that's something we'd both like to do. Why does my mind feel a bit angry though knowing I'm gonna pay for the whole thing. I know God is looking at me at shaking his head: "Son, money is nothing to me and should not be your god. Worry not about tomorrow for I will take care of you who have faith."

Man, I can be such a tool at times. I am getting better. I do have more moments of peace today than before, but I have a ways to go still. Anyway, I feel that my telling her in email that I love her and think about her a lot and pray for us wasn't the most ideal way...but I was caught up in the moment at that point in time. I suppose it's better than doing nothing at all.