Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? Part III

Here is the conclusion of the 3 part article by Maia Szalavitz. Part III:

Other Factors

Unfortunately, most of these results failed to be replicated when researchers looked for them again. “People find predictors of response all the time but they are almost never replicated,” says Roy Perlis, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Genetic diversity may complicate the story. For example, one gene associated with positive response to antidepressants in whites was associated with lack of response in Japanese and Korean people.

The environment matters too—one study found that people who had been abused in childhood were less likely to respond to medicationsand more likely to be helped by talk therapy.

To complicate matters even further, it’s not just brain genes that affect drug response, but also a system of enzymes in the liver in which there is also great genetic variation.

For example, the enzyme CYP450 2D6 metabolizes Prozac and some related drugs and there are numerous variants of this one enzyme alone that can affect the way these drugs work. People whose 2D6 breaks down Prozac too fast may get no effect from ordinary dosages of the drug. Conversely, those whose enzyme works slowly may have severe side effects even at low dosages. A genetic test that is now commercially available can determine which variant someone has— but there’s another wrinkle.

Dietary factors significantly affect the actions of various enzymes. You may have heard of grapefruit juice negatively affecting the impact of drugs, but char-broiled meat, broccoli, star fruit, alcohol and tobacco also affect the response to medications. In addition, interactions between numerous medications can make things even less predictable.

“For the majority of people, these tests are not useful for antidepressant prescribing,” Perlis concludes. However, for people with bipolar disorder or psychotic depression who use antipsychotic medications, the tests can be important, particularly in terms of preventing serious side effects.

“It’s a nice idea,” concludes Tranter. “A lot of people are very interested in using genetics to predict the response to medication, but it’s too early to know what it will yield.”

Treating Depression Step By Step

But although trial and error and doctors’ clinical intuition are still all we really have to go on in antidepressant choice, a large study examining treatment of depression in real-world practice found that most people did benefit significantly by the end of the trial. Unlike a clinical trial, which usually just compares a drug to placebo or another drug, this trial involved trying different drugs sequentially if the first ones didn’t work for particular patients.

“Two-thirds got better by the end of the steps,” says Madhukar Trivedi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. “And by better, I mean that almost all the symptoms were gone—they were in remission. Not just showing improvement.”

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? (Part II)

Continuing an article by Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness, Part II:



A Complex Challenge: Finding the Right Drug


So, how can you find an antidepressant that will work, not make you feel worse? That’s the billion dollar question that pharmaceutical companies, psychiatrists and researchers are racing to answer.


The complexities, however, are daunting. A large proportion of human genes code for brain development and function, and they interact in complex ways not only with each other, but with environmental influences like stress, parenting and social support.


One intriguing study by Tranter and colleagues involved giving antidepressants to healthy people. The study compared the results of a drug similar to Prozac, which affects the serotonin system in the brain, to the effects of another drug, which affects the norepinephrine system.
Serotonin—a neurotransmitter that sends messages from one brain cell to another—is involved with regulating mood. Norepinephrine (also called noradrenaline) helps mediate attention and the brain’s response to stress. The antidepressants in the study affect these transmitters by keeping them activated for longer than usual.


“One of the effects of [the Prozac-like drug] was what you might call a ‘serenic’ effect,” Tranter says. “It’s this feeling of being aware of stressful things going on, but they don’t bother you much.”


Some people liked this effect—as did the people around them, who found them easier to get along with. Others, however, reported this same experience, but found it unpleasant. “They felt disconnected from their emotions, unpleasantly numb, and they didn’t like it at all,” Tranter says.


The participants in Tranter’s study had been given personality tests beforehand. Some of the traits measured on these tests are strongly influenced by genetics, reflecting inborn temperamental differences.


People who liked one of the drugs tended to dislike the other—and those high in a trait called “harm avoidance,” (basically, a sense of caution and worry) typically preferred the norepinephrine-affecting drug and disliked the serotonin drug.


Other studies have found possible links between particular genes and particular responses:
A gene associated with men’s ability to control anger was found to triple the risk that men would develop suicidal thoughts if given the drug citalopram (Celexa). The long version of a serotonin gene associated with the risk of developing depression following early life trauma was associated with a better or faster response to Prozac-like drugs, compared to the shorter version of that gene.Another serotonin-related gene was found to affect whether or not people experienced negative sexual side effects from one of these medications. Variations in genes for one of the brain’s opioid receptors have also been associated with positive responses to citalopram (Celexa).



Next: Part III

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? (Part I)

This entry will be broken up into three parts. It's actually a copy of an article by Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness.

Here is Part I:

Modern antidepressants have been blamed for deadly shooting rampages and violent suicides. At the same time, they’ve been hailed as miracle drugs that transform baleful Eeyore-types into bouncing Tiggers.

Now the latest review of the research claims that the effects of the drugs are only marginally different from those of placebos or sugar pills.

It seems impossible that the same substances in the same dosage ranges could simultaneously be poison, miracle drug and placebo. But the diversity of responses is remarkable—and it points to the possibilities and pitfalls of personalized medicine.

For example, Stacy*, a 48-year-old woman who works in public relations in Ohio, describes her experience with Zoloft like this: “It felt like water after being in the desert. It wasn't an experience of elation or anything bi-polar … I'm far happier, more confident, far more relaxed.”

Lisa*, a 33-year-old business consultant from Maryland, had experienced severe suicidal thoughts as early as kindergarten. She says of taking Effexor, “My entire life is different and I finally feel like a normal person with normal emotions. These days I can honestly say I am a happy, well adjusted person.”

But JoAnne*, a 35 year-old educator and dancer living in the Washington, D.C. area, reported that both Zoloft and Prozac produced muscle weakness and excessive sweating—and no benefits.
And Bernice*, a 53-year-old science journalist in California, described her experience with a Prozac-like antidepressant this way: “It made me feel disconnected from myself and my family, so that I no longer felt any empathy and did not really care what happened to them or to me. It was a terrifying sensation of flatness and I definitely felt depressed and hostile in a way that I had never felt before.”

Bizarre experiences abound as well: Bernice had “a vivid nightmare of being shot in the head,” and the sensation she felt of dripping blood did not immediately disappear on awakening. Others report elimination of sexual desire, weight loss, weight gain, heart palpitations and elevated blood pressure.

(*not their real names)

Same Drug, Different Results

How can similar—or even identical—drugs have such different effects? The explanation sheds light on some of the key questions that complicate research on depression and emphasizes the need for a science of personalized medicine.

“These are average changes,” explains Richard Tranter, M.D., consultant psychiatrist with the North West Wales NHS Trust in Great Britain. “They may actually mask wide variations in how individuals are responding.”

“If you look at a large scale trial,” Tranter continues, “You may get a slight shift overall. That could mean on the whole, everyone is a little bit better compared to placebo but it could also mean that within the group, some did really, really well and some did OK and some got worse, but overall, it looks like a small shift in the right direction.”

Two other complications are noted by psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Listening to Prozac. First, early data—of the kind included in the meta-analysis which found antidepressants no better than placebo—often fails to show results for drugs that later prove very effective. “We have medications that show effectiveness in post-stroke depression, in the elderly with multiple brain lesions, in people with chronic, intractable depression. Why do they only not work in the early trials?” he asks.

Second, people get excellent care in clinical trials, which makes the placebo effect especially strong. This means it’s harder to show a difference, even if a drug works well. “We may be losing effective substances, not approving ineffective ones,” Kramer notes.

Next: Part II

Having a child (Part I)

Please forgive the non-sequiter here on diving into this subject with no real set up as to why.

It was really borne out of the fact that I have been in contact with an ex-girlfriend of mine from college some 15+ years ago and she and her husband just welcomed their third child into the world. I am pleased for her and her happiness, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a brief sense of selfishness of by part.

You see, ever since I was a teenage boy myself, way before my depressive episodes and trials and tribulations I faced with employment and marriage, I too always thought someday I'd have my own son and/or daughter. I looked forward to the day where I could raise my own child, and give the gift to my parents as well who so desperately want to be grandparents.

Admittedly, I got married a little later than I ever thought I would and during that time (now that I look back) depression was just beginning to manifest within my being. The symptoms were there, I just wasn't 100% cognisant of them let alone knew what would be consuming my mind and spirit in the next few years to come.

In our first year of marriage (we were already in our mid 30's) we tried to have kids. After many unsuccessful attempts we went to a infertility clinic. My wife took the tests (as did I) and we began a regime of pills, shots, medical procedures, etc., to no avail. It was an emotional time for my wife and me as well.

Then things at home took a turn for the worst. My own personal demons began to manifest more and more and I was becoming angry with the world around me; my depression was kicking into overdrive. My stepdaughter was rebelling in school....bad grades, bad behavior, bad excuses. My wife was emotionally spent and realized that the grass may indeed be greener on the other side. Why hang out at home with a self-loathing husband who argued about money when I can go out with my girlfriends and drink to forget about the troubles at home. It didn't help that friends seemed to be getting pregnant all around us and the icing on the cake was her sister getting pregnant for her third time.

I never really spoke about my depression and children before. I believe that it was, and still is, a contributing factor to part of outlook on life and emotional growth. You see, I still want a child, and would like to give one to my parents. This has nothing to do with the fact that my mom and dad both occasionally mention the fact in their not-so-subtle ways that they would like a grandchild as well (Great, yet another way I have let them down I suppose).

After our two failed attempts at artificial insemination, we gave up, at least I thought we gave up temporarily. It wasn't too long ago I learned else wise....my wife had decided (without my input) we were not going to try again. That was very shocking and hard for me to digest, and if I could and hadn't desperately tried to calm my spirit at that exact moment, I most likely would have blown up. Needless to say, this was news I wasn't ready for, nor wanted to accept. A decision regarding my chance of having any offspring at all was summarily decided for me....and not in my favor.

The thing that hurt me the most...and I still hear those words in my head on occasion...is my wife stating to me: "In your emotional state, I don't think it would be wise to bring a child into this world considering your state of mind." Talk about a knock out punch. I can't believe I was still standing after that. It is as if I could feel all the blood draining from my being...what was left of any fragile emotions I had being ripped out from me. My wife was now verbally confirming to me that she thought I was indeed off my rocker, unfit as a husband, not ready to be a father, and questioned if I ever would be.

It was at that instant I seriously began to question my marriage and who exactly did I marry. I wondered if I had made one huge mistake. I silently screamed to God and Christ for mercy. "What have I gotten myself into?" I wondered. I had made a contract with God at the altar on my day of marriage...and now everything I wanted left out of life was being told wasn't going to happen.

To be continued.....

What is going on in the world?

Is it me, or does it seem that the last few years that more and more natural disasters are taking place? For all I know, there may be a constant level of activity taking place all the time, but because the population of this planet keeps increasing and the fact that cameras, cell phones, and other technologies make news instantaneous, its just seems like this stuff is happening more and more often. And in greater magnitude.

In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).

"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)

I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.

I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.

I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.

I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?

Weird introspective

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace of the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)

I'm taking a break from the last two days postings. While I still have more to chew on and debate within my head on what I revealed in my last writings, I've had a strange feeling wash over me today.

I woke up a little groggy as usual and was thankful my wife bought some real fresh coffee to enjoy last night for our consumption. She's going out of town tomorrow on a business trip and will be gone a whole week. It really isn't that far away actually, something like only 45 miles away from our home, but she will be working long hours and I doubt we'll speak much, maybe a call in the evening.

Our financial status has been a little strained lately with me making some sacrifices (more brown bag lunches, limited driving, a few unexpected bills) that will put me on a very conservative spin the next few weeks. I was very open with my wife about our situation and I think she understood, but I am not 100% convinced as we still have separate checking accounts...but I know we are temporarily strained, at least until we get our stimulus package and regular IRS rebates. It's can't get here soon enough as I have a few bills that need to be paid, and I'm waiting until the almost drop dead deadline before I write a check.

It does tend to make me a bit nervous, and in some ways, perhaps its best my wife is gone for a week so she doesn't see me stress. On the flip side, I can imagine she may spend a few extra dollars we really don't have in going out at night, but I don't have the heart to tell her to watch her spending habits lest she takes it the wrong way. I just try and paint a very crystal clear picture of where we stand, and hope she can figure it out and make the right decisions.

So today, maybe because it's in the back of my mind (the money stuff that is), and the fact I will be alone for the next 8 days, but I am feeling a little anxiety within. There's a bit of tightening in the chest today and I've caught myself taking some deep breaths. But the weird thing is, I also have a certain un-explaneable peace about it today. My paycheck from yesterday is already accounted for, and I'm already counting down days until the next one (something I never did before), and yet I know we'll be okay for some reason. I just need to continue to really think wisely for the next few weeks and really limit myself to get back into the black.

I think about missionaries and wonder 'How do they do it?' I watch the news and see devastation in Arkansas and read articles on how minimum wage earners can barely scrape by. I have a friend right now who is married with a few kids who just learned that his position will be eliminated in a few weeks and he's already began looking for a new job, and I continue to wonder 'How do they do it?'

What is their secret for moving on and waking up? Is it the human spirit and will to always keep fighting? Is it God's grace that He will always look after His children? Is their faith stronger than my own, and am I jealous because of that?

Is Jesus finally having me really turn a corner, at least for this week? To know there is a light at the end of the tunnel albeit a few weeks from now, but until then we must endure living paycheck to paycheck wondering how the next bill is going to be paid? Today I thank Jesus for giving me the strength I have right now, because I know I didn't have this strength a year ago. I can just imagine how my mindset would be were it another time in my past.

Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part II)

So confusion........I started an entry yesterday, and as often happens, they seem to take on a life of their own and before I knew it, I wasn't going to get to the meat of the matter I had originally intended, thus I broke it up into parts.

Today is part 2. Maybe I'll wrap this up, maybe not and you'll be reading part 3 in a few days, so bare with me.

Being a loner most of my life, and especially the last few years have lent to a special air of isolationism on my part. Not that I ever made a conscious decision to end up that way, but circumstances as they have played out I suppose led me there. It's a mixed blessing. There are numerous days I seek companionship and yearn to return to the times where I was a much happier and 'go-lucky' person.....To be the 'life of the party' and everybody's friend as I was a decade ago.

On the flip side, there are days I enjoy the solitude and wish to block out all the madness and corruptness of the world. I want to be left alone and be in my own thoughts. Sometimes its a pleasurable experience, sometimes a very frightening one.

It's during these times of solitude that my mind works overtime and I think about so much and so many questions begin to surface. These are also the times I truly wonder if I do have a 'tinge' of mental instability as a result of imbalanced chemicals, or a lingering symptom of continued depression. When I should be day dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and warm beaches and sunsets, my mind tends to drift to apocalyptic events, relationship woes, death, etc.

I mentioned that my wife and I had an 'episode' about two weeks ago. And she made some very valid points. Valid enough that I have to take stock in myself and wonder if my prayers sometimes are not 'pure' enough to be answered. What does God have intended for me, and when will the continuous testing stop and the healing actually begin? Perhaps the healing has begun, but my stubborn side is looking for something more overt, like the Jews looking for a more 'kingly' messiah, than a simple man born in a manger who was and continues to be humble.

After that episode with my wife a lot of strange co incidents started to become very overt to me. It started with church. That Sunday my pastor was teaching from the book of Daniel....and drawing a parallel from Daniels visions to those events to come in Revelations.....a scary subject. On Monday as I was driving home from work, I turned on Christian radio (something I very rarely do) and the message happened to be that of the book of Daniel...again. It was the same message!!!

It gets stranger....

Tuesday I was reading a book, and it just so happens that I came across a chapter (unplanned) that spoke of the end times. And finally Tuesday evening I turned on talk radio late at night (it helps me sleep at times) and the whole two hour block again was on the end times and prophecy. By this time I was spooked! I still am. Two events may be a coincidence, but 4 in the span of 48 hours all talking about the 'end times'? Of course now I can't sleep at this point as I am convinced (at least in my mind) something very suspicious and abnormal is going on here. Why am I hearing these things? Am I being driven mad? Is God trying to tell me something? Or is it Satan having a good laugh at my expense?

But Christ says only He knows the hour and the time. He says not to worry, cast your burdens upon Him, for those that are faithful and have accepted Him should be in peace and care not of the trivialities of this world, for it shall perish, and we will be reborn into glorified bodies and live in the Kingdom forever!!!

However, the confusion begins to escalate for me and I need to seek out some reassurance...

(to be continued...)

Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part I)

...or does He?

At various times in my life I have always wondered why the Bible and the teachings of both the old testament and new testament are more straight forward. I suppose it depends on who you ask...but I think that most can agree that somewhere during their own personal struggles with faith and belief we have wondered exactly what a specific verse means.

Today, there are numerous versions of the bible, including but not limited to: NIV, King James, The Living Bible, New American Standard, etc... I found an article here by Dr. Dale A. Robbins who attempts to explain why so many translations are available if you are interested. I'll tell you now, I don't know any other works or studies by Dr. Robbins, so I am not giving this article my full endorsement.

I also recall many past teachers of the Word who are much more knowledgeable than myself have always said to have 'faith like a child' in what the Word says. Well, logically I guess this makes sense at a very glossary level, but that doesn't help me understand why there are so many versions that all tend to 'fit' a certain denomination. So which one is the 'right' one? Why has God allowed so many various permutations if He wanted to get His one true message across? What makes NIV better that NASB, or vice-versa? Seems to me, He could have made it easier for us if He wanted to get His universal message across to all. But then again, I'm not the creator and I fail to see let alone understand the big picture of a God who lives outside of time and space and is all knowing.

So why am I bringing this all up? Well, I have had a lot of questions lately, especially those focusing on the end times. The thought of the great tribulation, the rapture, ever-lasting life, various judgements, the Antichrist has honestly scared the bejeezuz out of me. I know some Christians look forward to this time and can't wait. Well, personally, I can.....I think I'd rather die of natural causes or an accident than witness what is to come, let alone live it if I am not a part of the rapture.

Even Christians debate on what the 'rapture' really means. Some are pre-trib, others post-trib, some even state it's a metaphor...there won't be an 'actual' rapture as described in Revelations....and each have some solid arguments that confuse even the best and eager students. Heck, I am confused myself. I guess I consider myself a pre-trib person, meaning I believe that true believers will vanish in a twinkling of an eye just prior to the tribulation where the Antichrist will set up his power for conquest over the next seven years.

So I had some questions and asked someone who I believe truly loves the Lord and Christ and is a Christian to help me sort out all these issues in my head. I was really was losing sleep over it and worried...I can't help it...it's my nature and something I struggle with daily. I may even think at times that some of my mental issues comes from the fact I am worried about the afterlife and my presence within it.

His answers really surprised me and was not even close to what I was expecting or had ever really been taught before. So much so in fact, that I had a problem even digesting his own revelations and the questions got bigger than I really wanted to deal with....just the opposite effect of what I was seeking. I relayed my concerns to him about his interpretations and he simply told me two points:

1) Satan knows that I am seeking out the Lord, and the turmoils I go through is his attempt to place self-doubt within my head, to take my focus off of God, to harvest confusion and to make it so that my faith is always on shaky ground because Satan has already lost his war over me, but now just wants to make my life difficult where he can.

and the one I really am wrestling with now...

2) Satan is the author of confusion. Christ and being 'in the Spirit' is of peace. Christ makes clear all that truly seek and gives comfort, not confusion.

Uh, oh. So what does that say about me? I'm more confused than ever, and I'm hearing conflicting answers from peoples whose job it is to minister to people.

(to be continued.....)

Flags at half mast....again.

"How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone" (James 4:14)

I've been at my new job for a total of ten months now, and today I received an email that a fellow coworker passed away over the weekend. He was in his late 50's, and there was some speculation that he may have been ill due to a very raspy voice, but no one seems to know for sure. The details of his death were not made known to the employee's.

That's the fifth person who has passed at my job in ten months. Five.

I'm a little taken aback by this one as I knew the gentleman and had the pleasure of working with him on a small project about 2 months back.

And now he is gone.

I have no idea on what his faith was. We never spoke of it, nor would I have ever thought to have at work in today's politically correct environment. I've never been good at witnessing. I kind of gave up on the overt witnessing I have tried in the past. If asked, I'm very forward to share my beliefs and I make no qualms about my own questions at times, especially mired in my own psyche.

That's one of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share with everyone the ups and downs of my life and hope through my experiences that perhaps someone could relate and realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Its intention is to still let anyone out there who is depressed that even Christians have their dark moments and far from perfect. I don't frolic through meadows of daisies, see the goodness in all things, or wake up with a beaming ray of sunshine protruding from my smile....that is if I even smile that day.

I share my personal, intimate details with you all, from my struggles in marriage, work related issues, and random, corrupt thoughts born of flesh and sin. I want to share with you how anti-depressants work for me, and matters of the Spirit from my perspective, and maybe....just maybe someone out there can relate and know you aren't alone in your thoughts.

Why you ask? Because we never know when our time is up. We do not know the hour of the day in which God already knew from the beginning when our mortal bodies shall return to dust, and our soul is either greeted with open arms and love, or the gnashing and wailing of teeth.

Right now, I am still continuing to have issues with my wife. We had a pleasant evening together last night....dinner, conversation, and some time watching shows together in which we like. We also played a video game together and it was fun. It's as if the argument from earlier in the week never happened, and those are the times I miss and wish to think about more often....not the drama that sends voices escalating, causing sleep to be list, and headaches, and ill feelings towards each other.

My mother-in-law is planning on speaking with my wife tomorrow in regards to certain behaviors that everyone is aware of, and I'm sure my name will be involved. I know this is coming, my wife doesn't know that I know, and I hope my wife realizes her mother speaks to her out of love and concern and not our of judgement. I say this because I am emotionally spent right now and do not wish to endure or entertain any altercation at this point, but these things always have a tendency to backfire against yours truly.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws, or at least I hope to think I do (a relationship my own mother and wife do not share however). I have come to them in the past, and they listen and advise in earnest....something I am so thankful for.

I am a little stressed out now. Of course I imagine my wife walking in the door tomorrow and laying into me for possibly airing dirty laundry. But I need to 'man-up'. While I suppose the situation could possibly deteriorate further, I am hoping for a miracle....that my wife may need to hear from someone else that I love her and I care and that marriage should be a bonding experience not something to tear us apart...because that is not what God wants for any of his children. And because we do not know how long our life is to be...that we exit this realm in good standing and not at odds with those we love.

Rough Time Recovery

Yesterday was a tough day at work. Not as tough as I first imagined due to the lack of sleep I had and a sore jaw from our arguement the night before. I'm actually surprised how much energy I did have. Possibly I was still amped up from a certain level of adrenaline and anger that was fueling my system.

I did have a moment in which I spoke to my father for 30 minutes and explained what happened. Moreso I suppose as a method of personal release, to get it out since it was boiling up inside me. I chose to share this with my father because he was there for me during my intial breakdowns, and sat with me when he thought I was going to go postal.....just to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.

It's weird being a male. We are taught from an early age in our culture not to show emotions. Perhaps the last few years or decades it has become somewhat more acceptable for men to display a softer side, but even I hate crying as much as I do and I wish I were a stronger person in certain regards.

He just listened to me and shared some insights and said he'd pray for me...for us (that is my wife and I), and wants to see us work it out, but he's afraid that I will spend the next 30-40 years of my life never knowing true happiness. I know what he was alluding to as a possible option, and the thought has indeed crossed my mind....but I take my vows very seriously. Well, at least I do. For Better or For Worse. In Sickness and in Health. Does that mean mental health as well? Hmmmm?

As I tend do when I get in a serious funk, I turn on Christian radio. That 30 minute commute back to my house in the afternoon is sometimes used as an impromptu bible study and I wanted to surround myself in the word yesterday.

Wouldn't you know the message really was directed right back to me??? It was all about those people who can't move forward because they are always looking back. Because they cannot let go of the past. The conviction was there. That is what I do. As much as I pray and want to, my logical brain and/or Satan is always there to tell me "Well, what about the past..? Remember when..?" Yes.....unfortunately I do. I recognize that as much as I have moved forward, I have not embraced the present and future 100%. I still have a portion of myself invested in the past...and their roots run deep.....and keep me tethered to my former self.

I need a spiritual hatchet to cut those roots that tether me so.

I forget the verse, but I seem to recall Christ telling us not to worry about the past, because He knows how much damage the past can do to us. We are supposed to be new creatures with a new mindset under his guidance, grace, mercy, and blood.

Anyway, I had a decent night sleep last night. So much so in fact, I slept hard and undistrurbed from 10:30pm to 7:15 am, almost 9 full hours and I could have used more. My feelings are still hurt, my wife and I still awkward, but at least today I can fucntion. The anger has subsided as has the bitterness and anxiety for the time being...and I didn't have to resort to a Clonzapen.

Rough Times

Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?

I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.

It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.

My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.

I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.

It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.

Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.

I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.

My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."

Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"

I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.

I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.

But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.

I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.

How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.

I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.

Ability vs Availability

"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."

Wow.

I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.

What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.

I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.

So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.

My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.

A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.

I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.

Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.

It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.

I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.

I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.

God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.

Evil behavior in youth.

"Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34)

I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.

A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.

I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.

I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.

But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.

But I digress from my original thoughts.

Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?

This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.

I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.

I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.

Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.

ADHD—or Is It Trauma?

I found this article on MSN today.

I found it pretty darn interesting and tried to apply some of the theories discussed to my own youtful past. However, I cannot make a correlation with a traumatic event as described in the article and my own behaviors.

I remember when that very first academic type shrink sat across from me and told me I had adult ADD after spending a mere 10 minutes with me. While that first meeting has already been about 4 years ago, his verbal diagnosis to me feels like it was just the other day.

"You know, since you've been in my office....you haven't stopped talking...and looking around restlessly."

Well yeah....I'm embarrassed to be here, not exactly why I am here other than my wife demanding it, I don't really know much about your profession or my surroundings, and I'm sick and tired of crying for no real reason or having panic attacks anywhere, anytime. Remember, you just asked me a question on how I was feeling......Well, I'm answering you....albeit in detail.

That's just me. I am a very detailed person. One of my pet peeves in life is vagueness, especially in the work place. I work in a technical field. Exactness is a requirement. Guesswork, shortcuts, and lack of information or decision making results in an incomplete or non-functioning environment. If you want me to fix it, or install it, I need to know the 'details' of how you want it done (where, when, how, etc.).

Anyway, I read this article and look back at my childhood. I did not suffer from physcial abuse. I was never around violence or drugs. My dad enjoyed his beer, but wasn't a classic 'drunk'. Maybe my mom was a bit over protective. Scratch that. She was indeed over-protective to a fault, and sadly perhaps I do occassionaly hold that against here.

There were times I was indeed very lonely as a kid. That's why I read so much and was so creative. But my parents, moreso my mom, really did try and provide eveything for me, including love.

I'll be honest. I'm not sure where and when thinsg starting going south at first. I suppose standing at God's vantage point and looking down there may have been a point on the continuum which is my life when I first began to change. Was it a chemical change? A hormonal change? something I saw? Dreamt? Did I just begin to perceive things differently? I have no idea.

Micahel Sewell revisited

I recently had the fortunate blessing of watching yet another Michael Sewell play, "Heart In a Box" and I was just as moved and impressed as I was when I first stumbled upon him by accident last year as a production at my church.

"Heart In a Box" is based on Mr. Sewell's own personal true life experiences and take the audience through his journeys of wild depression and how he got there to his attempts at suicide and finally the release of his burdens through the teachings of Christ and a new beginning at life.

I am in awe at the powerful, powerful message and I urge anyone who ever has a chance to see this 60-70 minute one man play to go out of your way and attend. I was very fortunate to have convinced my wife to attend as well, and I believe she enjoyed it though we didn't discuss it much afterwards.

Everyone can identify with a portion of the play with their own lives. I imagine in some cases some people can identify a lot more or closer to the material presented than others, or at the very least hopefully understand 'issues' that they may witness in loved ones or friends.

As much as I tried to be strong during the play, I did enivetably cry tears of self-conviction and remorse. While my own personal journey may have not as been as intense as Mr. Sewells, there are for me some very close parallels that I still cannot explain why Christ would show me mercy and forgiveness especially when I don't deserve it. I think my wife was silent because she could recognize some of those life struggles taking place within me, and maybe, just maybe there was an example in there that may have even applied to her to silently reflect on her own life's journey.

I'm sorry if I offend any Catholics reading this, but one thing as being raised as a former Catholic at a young age...the feelings of guilt are legendary and decades later I have problems shaking those base feelings that were indoctrinated at such an impressionable age. No, not all Catholics are like this, and there are plenty that do indeed know the Word and the Son for who they are, but self-inflicted guilt in the Catholic teachings can be gripping and crippling to some.

Earlier in the week I felt it was important to invite my neighbors to the play as well. I knocked on the door and spoke with the wife who is a self proclaimed aethiest. Her husband in a non-practicing believer who was sleeping at the time due to his wonky work schedule. I do pray for them on a regular basis. They are both nice and good people and have invited us over to their home and shared with us many a BBQ over the years and I hope that continues.

I let her know the play was free, no obligations, no strings attached, and religion would not be forced down their throats. "Look at it as a one man play that's over in an hour". She thanked me for the invitation and said she would get back to me later in the week.

I haven't heard from them since.

Needless to say I am a little saddened by this, and I don't want to push. All I can do is offer and pray and continue to try in the future.

Otherwise, I'd like to think my prayers, and hopefully yours for me are starting to work as well. My wife and my mother finally spoke this last week...which I suppose is a start. And I am happy to report my wife and I have been getting along very swimmingly this past week. She has been very nice and very cordial towards me, and very generous and giving as well.

These actions are appreciated, and I make it a point to let her know I am thankful. I thank her for the dinners she has been making, the work she has been doing, etc. I pray this continous as I enjoy this side of our relationship and her moreso than I do the other side that sends me in my emotional tizzies.

Relaxing evening

I look back at last night and figure it was long overdue.

Sorta a night to myself to a certain extent.

Yesterday was one of the busiest days of work I had in a long time. Our campus is pretty big but not really car friendly, so most of the time its less headache walking from building to building, but I put on a lot of mileage on my feet.

In one aspect its nice because the day goes by rather quickly, but on the other hand my mind was swimming in details and priorities on things that needed to get done before I went home.

When I finally did get home, sadly I was too tired to walk my dog...poor little boy. He means the world to me and is my saving grace to sanity once in a while, but I was too physically tired. Instead, he curled up on my lap and we watched TV together while I had a beer.

My wife did call me and say she would be late at work. Instead of being upset, it gave me the opportunity to sit down and play a video game. Some people laugh that at my age I play video games, but for me it is one of those complete stress relievers. Instead of a competitive shooter or something violent, I opted to play Guitar Hero III. While I have never been a complete fan of rock, metal, classic rock, or like genre's, there is something completely satisfying in getting absorbed into a hand-eye dexterity/coordination/immersion experience in full stereo. I have learned to appreciate some artists and songs I never would have batten an eyelash to before.

I played a full two hours, and when my wife did arrive at home finally, she made a wonderful salad. It was so good, I wish I could have had more...but then the dressing would have added some calories I didn't need that late at night. I guess it would be an oxymoron to then tell you I enjoyed a nice Jack on the rocks then.

Anyway, it was a state of bliss. I slept very well and was even surprised this morning when my wife brought me coffee in bed. Seriously! I was very delighted, surprised, and almost wondering if it were a set up that some shoe was going to drop....but it didn't. You see, the last two weeks has been such a emotional rollercoaster at home between us, that I wouldn't have expected this. These are the things that confuse me....how one day (or a series of days) can be so ugly, and then I seem to get a reprieve and my wife treats me very well. I sometimes believe this is her own way of apologizing to me as the word 'sorry' isn't in her vocabulary. Once she cools down over a period of a few days, there is change of behavior for the better. This is the woman I enjoy and love!

This morning I treated myself to a very large cup of Starbucks coffee as well, and while I know today will be busy as well, for some reason I just feel relaxed.

A New Day

Wow, I have to admit that the comments from Anonymous really had an effect on me. In a good way that is. The fact that there are a few people out there who actually read my entries and take the time to compose thier thoughts and send them my way are very encouraging.

Yesterday's post in retrospect did seem to take on a life of its own. I had only planned on making a few comments in return, and before I knew it I was writing my own novel.

Sometimes its good to do that. Write and write and write. Anybody who really gets to know me also knows that I love to read. On average I read 1-2 novels a month on top of a few magazines cover to cover, technical white papers, news articles, and tons of short stories. One gift I have always had is the ability to jugle multiple stories and not get them confused. I am able to set a book down, start another, return to the former and never miss a beat.

That kinda reminds me when the very first shrink I saw said he believed I had Adult ADD. He went on to say that it has to do short attention spans or the need to always have my mind occupied.

At first, I thought it was all a bunch of hooey, but as time went on I began to see things about myself that may lend some credence to his statements. Although I'm not always positive of the motivation behind it all.

In general, he's right. I had dull moments. I hate being bored. Dull momeents doesn't have to be about adrenaline rushes or full of physical activity either. The more I think of it, the more I realize I usually have to be engaged in something, and I'm quite content on doing it solo. Whether it be a video game, reading a book, building a puzzle, fixing something, watching something, talking about something.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my own defense mechanism. I engage in all sorts of things so I don't feel alone. So I don't have the time to be depressed or negative. It doesn't always work, but the more I listen to my family, freinds, and wife...they clearly know that I 'have' to be doing 'something'.

But I am envious of those who can find the peace and quiet and stillness in their lives. I have written before that there are occassions in which I wish I could shut EVERYTHING out. I paint vivid pictures in my mind of being elsewhere, like a country field next to a stream in the late afternoon....listening to a babbling brook, the wind through the brush, the warmth of the setting sun....and that's all. Other times I close my eyes and almost have to concentrate to relax. Shut out all thoughts and senses and just be one with the air surrounding me, trying to relax and melt into the environment. There are days I crave that peace of mind and stillness like you can't believe.

Anyway, here I go again, off onto another tangent I wasn't expecting.

I really just wanted to say that the posts and your comments from the previous few days have really had my mind working overtime and I had some one-on-one time with the Creator yesterday. It just wasn't about praying. It wasn't me asking for something to be fixed. It was more about 'sharing' my thoughts with him while I was walking my dog. While my body was tired from work, it was nice to take those 20 minutes and forget about the world as a whole and just 'hang out' with God.

I need to do that more often.

An open letter to 'Anonymous'

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your comments from my previous entry, and I do take them to heart. You made some excellent points towards the end, and I really do indeed try to make an effort these days to think before I speak...I try to speak in a calm and rational manner hoping to get across a certain level of respect and love as you point out. Sometimes I do better than others.

To clarify the context of my birthday present: It wasn't wrapped. My wife actually said if I wanted my gift, it was in the 'trunk of the car' and that I could grab it anytime.

Yes, my wife did indeed get me something I desired, but I believe that my wife waited until that morning when I was away at church to make an 'obligatory' purchase at the last minute, as if it were almost an afterthought. The fact that it was in the trunk, unwrapped, and I was told if I wanted it to go get it just before the phone incident leads me to believe it was last minute purchase.

I could be wrong, but we've been married for almost 5 years now, and I've witnessed my wife do this before with others. Where I do fall short is that you are right,....I guess I did 'expect' a gift which may have been selfish on my behalf. But I guess I also expected it wrapped and presented to me as well, which tends to be the norm for most birthday presents.

Do I think my wife loves me? Yes I do.

Do I think she treats me as a loving husband, her best friend, her chosen mate, for better or for worse? Sometimes yes, more often not as of late. But it wasn't always like this.

Maybe I am a bit over-sensitive and I continue to pray about this quite often. And I pray for my own tolerance, my own heart softening, getting over my own selfishness, my own humility and humbleness, and the condition of my own heart.

I would gladly give up any 'expected' birthday present to have back the woman I married 5 years ago who openly shared with me and treated me as an equal.

Are we the same couple that began dating almost 7 years ago? No. We both believe in God and Christ, but I admit that there was a time in my life I was complacent with the Word and my beliefs. I was the 'band-wagon' Christian who thought if I just put in my hour once a week, tithed a bit here and there, and if I treated people good the majority of the time, I was in the 'club'.

It was only when depression took hold of my life like a cancer, when the Enemy clearly had a foothold in my mind and riddled me with self-doubt, when pills and thoughts of ending it all seemed feasible did I succumb to and 'rediscover' God and Christs love and forgiveness towards me.

I began to realize how prideful I was, how much venom and bitterness I was carrying around, what a scum I really was. I also believe that this period of my life helped push my wife away at times.

Today, while still far from perfect, I also know that the Lord is indeed with me. I want to share that with my wife. I want my wife to grow closer to me again, and vice-versa and I want her to share in Christ's love and word as well. However, (at this time) she does not share the same amount of zeal for God, Christ, or church that I do today. It's a struggle for her to attend church at all. We rarely pray together. Her 'secular' actions and attitudes at times can be heartbreaking and a cause for concern. But I also realize not to long ago, I was acting just like that as well. Drinks and social activities were always at the top of the list. Christ unfairly was always towards the bottom.

Now I slightly going off track here, so I'll try and bring it back about.

I totally I agree that I should be cleaved from my parents, especially from my mom. I am trying not to make excuses for either my mother or myself, but I am an only child and I do feel at times that my parents do indeed care about my welfare moreso than my spouse. That may sound harsh, but that is indeed how I feel at times.

My wife has made it very clear on certain occasions where her priorities lie in life, and sadly through her actions and comments I seem to have been demoted from my original ranking. Now, in defense of my wife, my mother does make it hard at times to lead a normal life. Even at my age, my mother is very over-protective, very stubborn, and does have a tendancy to either butt-in when not wanted, or to droll on and on about trivial matters. There are days when the phone rings, I don't even want to pick up the phone because I cringe at the thought of a 20 minute diatribe of matters than shouldn't be her concern to begin with. That I do understand where my wife's frustration stems from, but my wife is a little less tactful in her responses and respect to my parents.

You made a comment that my wife's anger was 'born out of love'. I hope I don't come across as a smart alleck, but my wife must love me more today than she has ever loved me before. My wife has a tendency to get much more angrier, sarcastic, and haughty than ever before....to the fact I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore other than breathing. This may sound like a cartoonish exageration, but there are days where a very simple question will set her off. I cannot imagine in 100 years that she would talk to her own mother or father this way, let alone how I, her husband, deserves this scorn.

It is very hard to ignore that anger as you suggest. Is it because we are both Italian? Is it because I still have my 'explosive' moments as well? While at times it may seem to the reader of this blog I am a cowering shell of a man, believe me, it is only through God's grace that I haven't gone postal. I'm a big dude, and prior to my surgeries was very muscular, I even have friends today that say they wouldn't ever think about messing with me. They've seen me mad...both emotionally and physically. Today, while many of my tears come from sadness and fear, I have also shed many a tear because I can't think of another outlet for my anger. Meaning....sometimes I cry because its better than hitting, lest I seriously hurt someone or myself. I channel that deep seated hostility and anger from my fists and my tongue into sobs. While I do understand your suggestion that I may earn more respect and love from her during those tense moments, that is a challenge for me....one I am willing to take, but a challenge none the less.

So Anonyomus (and friends), I know this entry went on and on today.....for that I'm sorry if I lost focus, but Anon....Thank you for your words (I really mean it). I will have to digest them for a bit. I hear what you are saying. I agree with your logic and points, but how to apply them to my situation is a challenge for me.

Botton line: My wife and I are not equally yoked right now. We do love each other...but that love is strained right now because we are unequally yoked. Our priorities today are individual priorities, not those of a married 'couple'. I was an ass and fell away from God and I'm trying to climb that hill again with His help, no longer by myself. I want to climb that hill with my wife, but she tells herself that she is happy where she is at with her priorities, and God is not one of them and I'm not convinced I am either.

Ugh....

I really am at a loss of structured thought today on how to approach this post. I've been meaning to post the last few days, but I think there's been a part of me that has been avoiding it as well. I'm not even positive why I am doing it now, other than the fact its been weighing on my mind the last few days and hasn't been healthy keeping it bottled in.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and by far, it had to be one of the worst birthdays I have ever experienced...to the fact I hope I soon forget about it altogther. So then why write about it? Good question. Maybe so I can help think it out....digest it....get it off my chest....move on...discover something I hadn't considered before? Not sure.

I guess the precursor was the fact that my grandfather wished me happy birthday on the wrong day. In his defense, he is 90 years old, but for the most part has all his faculties, so I was little bummed when he called me up on the wrong day.

My step-daughter never called nor sent a card either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's par for the course.

I also have three close friends who call me every year. This year, one called.

So far nothing to earth shattering, but the day was still early.

Instead of having a nice dinner with my wife and parents, maybe a slice of cake....a series of unscripted and ludicrous pride issues between my mother and my wife erupted in a small scale skirmish of raised voices, tears, and hurtful words from both sides.

All I could do was sit and watch from the middle knowing no matter what side I took, the other side would be hurt and angry. There are very few instances I can ever recall where I find myself in the middle with literally no way out, and I'm not sure how I ever got there in the first place.

Such was my birthday.

I awoke...went to church by myself and enjoyed a brief hour of worship. When I arrived back home, my wife had just gotten up and soon the phone began to ring. I won't go into the details, but lets just leave it at the fact that both my mother and my wife, with decent intentions of their own are both very, very stubborn people and don't like to flinch. It's been this way since day one, very much like like that sitcom with Raymond, though theres no comedic slant here. On more than one occassion, they have both made me feel very uncomfortable, and even my wife throws in the occasional dig "Act you age and stand up." This comment always depresses me. There are times I stand up, more often that I like to. I take control of a lot of situations and am depended on doing things and making decisions for things that I don't feel I need to...but somebody has to. Thats a whole other post in and of itself.

Long story short...my wife and mother got into an epic argument on the phone....on my birthday. If I could have ran away right then and there un-noticed I would have. I wanted to put my head down, close my eyes, and wish this day was over. I wanted to drink (I did sneak some bourbon later).

For a while I was utterly speechless and in awe. Seriously. I was hearing what was going on and I just couldn't fathom this was actually happening.

I broke down.

Here I was, on my birthday, feeling more alone than I had in a long, long time. I cried. I couldn't even open my present from my wife. I just stared at the unopened gift and after witnessing what just transpired, felt absolutely ashamed to open it. Not ashamed because of something I did, but in the spirit of what I just witnessed and was feeling in general, I looked at the gift as given to me out of a feeling of obligation moreso than it was of love for me. As if my wife realized she didn't have anything for me, went to the store when I was at church, and bought it literally at the last moment.

I kept looking at the box more, and then I began to hear my wife say in my head "Grow up" over and over again...and it was said with such conviction and venom, I couldn't enjoy the present.

I let it sit for hours...unopened.

There was no birthday dinner that night. There was no cake. No ice cream. No outing.

I made myself a cold cut sandwich for dinner and went to bed.

What a crappy...crappy....crappy day.

A request for prayer.

Friends,

I humbly come before you to request your prayers, for both the state of my heart and the behaviors of my spouse.

Last night was one of those nights that takes a single episode to help blow out any previous progress I think we have made together.

I received a call last night at 5pm from my wife who said she was going to go out with a co-worker for a 'couple of hours', and that she would call me before she left and see if I wanted her to bring me home dinner.

The first thing that went through my head before I even responded was..."Right...Yet another example of how drinks and cigarettes and social fun take precedence over your husband." But, she did call me and offer dinner and I said 'okay', not wanting to be the bad guy.

Well a 'couple of hours' turned into 6 hours. She arrived home somewhat after 11pm last night, without a single word of explanation. She had clearly been drinking too...not a beer or two, but she was clearly buzzed.

No, I received no phone call, nor any offer of dinner as previously offered. I kinda figured by 8pm I was on my own, so I made myself dinner and spent time with my dog.

I'm not sure if I am angry, hurt, disapointed, or whatever my emotional state is right now. We didn't speak at all this morning. She knew I was in 'deep thought', and of all things to say to me, she asked "Why are you crabby.", in which I responded "I'm not." I didn't want to fight this morning, nor argue. I also don't want to talk to her right now either.

I don't know why, I'd think I'd learn by now, but I'm always astounded on non-chalant her attitude is about her daliances. Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I just think these actions are beyond rude and show no respect towards me at all. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last. It's moments like these I wish I was not married at all. I think that sometimes my emotional state and mental health would be much better otherwise. I could tell her how much this hurts me, but I wonder what good it would do? My sife just doesn't 'get it', and I always end up looking like the bad guy....always. There is really something to be said for the saying of entering into a relationship with someone who is "equally yoked." I feel that my wife and I aren't, and I look book over the past 5 years and wonder if we ever were.

Not only does this single incident really bother me, but its the aloof attitude and pattern of these decisions as well. I will hear for days on end as to why she is so tired to walk the dog for 20 minutes, how much work she has, doesn't have time for church, how she never has any time.....and then I see she has ample time to be out 6 hours for drinking and smoking, she has ample time to go bowling 3-4 hours on Mondays,...basically, at least in my eyes.....she always finds the time when alcohol and influential friends are involved, and everything else takes second fiddle.

Yes, I'm venting a bit now, and sorry if I come across as a victim and ramble on. I'm requesting prayer that Christ help change my outlook, give me peace of mind and settle my heart, and continue with forgiveness and understanding. I also ask that prayers be extended to my wife as well, to help her realize this behavior, not just for my sake, but her own safety as well can be destructive. I do love my wife...I'm just not sure I like being married right now.

Be Anxious for Nothing

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4: 6-7)

I'm a bit surprised I haven't had this passage memorized yet.

By some, much wiser and mature in the Word than me, have repeated these verses to me time and time again in the past when I was an emotional zombie.

During my state of flux, I may have nodded my head in agreement, but not really understanding the words spoken to me. With sore eyes, a red nose, and constant fatigue I'm sure I may have agreed to anything others were offering to me at the time. While I was always thankful for their caring words and prayers, I alos know there was a small portion of me that was tired of hearing any 'hullabalou' and just wanted to go to bed and close the door.

I'm approaching my 38th birthday very soon, and the stirring thoughts of emptiness rear their ugly head occassionaly. 38 years of age, married to a person who doesn't share all my beliefs, step-father to a teenage girl who really doesn't acknowledge me, working at a mundane job which is often more tiring than satisfying, in-debt, never been on my honeymoon let alone a vacation in the last 5+ years, and very concerned about the spiritual salvation of most of my family can be very daunting.

Two nights ago I was in the shower, and a wave of sadness washed over me. I began to think of my grandparents and my aunt and uncle(s)...not sure if any of them are saved. I began to think of my wife and her priorities (in which I question where I rank and where God is on her list at times). I began to be feel depressed again about the future....a future in which I am elderly and my parents and blood relatives are long gone. If my wife continues to smoke, I may outlast her as well...that is unless I have a heart attack first. I really fear being alone one day. Oh, I may have neighbors that are friend, I may have people at church who visit, but I'm really facing the fact I am the last of my own blood line.

And I have to read these verses over and over to remind myself....

"Be anxious in nothing ...." ..maybe secular things? The trivial things? Don't sweat the small stuff? Trust God?

"... but in everything ..." salvation? Peace of mind? The big picture? Take one day at a time?

"...by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." We all must remember to do this. Take a step back and put things ito perspective.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ....You're right, I don't understand, but despretly aware I need this to help calm my spirit and take these negative thoughts away from me. Why worry about the future for things I do not yet know how they will unfold, or if God has a plan for me that hasn't even been put into motion yet.

Words to live by

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - (Isaiah 41:10)

It's one thing to read and understand this verse. It's a totally different thing to actually 'live' it.

I read this verse last Sunday and have been mulling it over in my head almost the entire week, looking for some angle on it to share with you, but I really can't come up with one.

For all intents and purposes, it's pretty straight forward, and really doesn't need an explanation. It seems as if it would be common sense to any believer, but when the chips are down, do we remember these verses and promises in earnest?

Man tends to breaks promises all the time. We even make promises to God.....and we too often break them before long. But can anyone really point out a promise that God has broken towards us? If anything, we as mortals once again are always looking for the fine print, the legal disclaimer, the loop hole. It's as if God's promises are just too good to be true, or the fact we've never encountered someone who hasn't let us down at least once in our lives.

To me, when I read this, I can't tell the type of voice God is using. Is He using His authoritative voice of creator of everything to boldly claim: "Do Not Fear, For I Am With You..." or is God your best friend and in full compassion and love and sincerity does He put His hand upon your shoulder, smile warmly and softly whisper: "Do not fear, for I am with you..."

I'd like to think both are true at the same time. The first a commandment of obeyment and instilling a level of confidence within me. The second, a brotherly hug of security to say we will weather this storm together my child....as always.

The thing though with us is we tend to forget these words and promises in any form. For all the times I worry and get scared, and suffered from panic attacks, I often wonder how many hours of my natural life have I shaved off from fear. When my wife and I fight. When I lost my job. When things began to crumble and there was nothing in 'my' control to shore them back up...I succumbed to paralyzing fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of bills, fear of security robbing me of many months of happiness. These overwhelming fears began to eat me from the inside like a slow cancer.

Loss of sleep, loss of appetite, loss of sanity. Of course these then spilled over into my social life as well....Fear of sharing, fear of pity, fear of intimacy. When these fears begin to prevail, they then take a darker turn. You begin to wonder if your friends and family think are judging you, comparing you, etc. The downward spiral seems as if it is spinning out of control.

I seem to forget the part where God proclaims: "I will strengthen you and help you." But I think this is only true if two conditions are met; 1) We remember to ask God to give us strength and help, and more importantly, 2) We accept with our hearts and place our trust that His words are indeed true, and His promises are unbreakable to us and free of charge.

Mental Images of Encouragment

I heard a very pleasant antedote the other day that I'd like to share with everyone.

Sometimes these little play on ideas and simple descriptions, once they sink in, can make you smile:

It is said that God loves and considers every one of us His precious children. So much so in fact, that if God carried a wallet, He'd have a picture of every single one of us in it, and proudly show us off to anyone who asked.

"Underwood also said such fantasies began about the time he started taking the antidepressant Lexapro. Defense attorneys plan to call witnesses during the penalty phase on his use of the drug."

Above is a direct line from a horrific story here I came across on CNN.com. I'll warn you ahead of time, it is a graphic story that involves a homicide and the details are disturbing.

I've noticed a trend as of late that the news seems to mention the types of antidepressant drugs involved when it comes to notable crimes of this nature. It was only a few weeks ago we learned that the young man who shot and killed students, then took his own life at Virgina Tech was also, as his girlfriend stated: "Off his meds."

While I do indeed believe there is some merit when drawing a correlation between antidpressant drugs and recent news stories, it's also pretty dangerous to draw such correlations as well.

According to the Wikipedia entry on 'Escitalopram' (aka Lexapro), some side effects of Lexapro include nausea, gastrointestinal issues, drowsiness, dizziness, and some sexual side effects. There was no mention of violent tendancies or 'fantasies' as Underwood recounted.

From my own personal experience, I can agree with the gastrointestinal issues, but nausea, dizziness and drowsiness were very mild for me. I didn't suffer any sexual side effects, other than maybe a diminished sex drive. But I was so moody, depressed, angry, bitter, sad, etc....that sex was the last thing on my mind anyway, so I am not to sure if Lexapro affected me in that arena or not.

In a not-so, but somewhat related tangent....did you know that Scientology doesn't allow its cult members to use antidepressants? I've heard similar accounts for Jehovah Witnesses as well, but I'm not 100% positive of that claim or not. I only mention this because I thinks its a bit strange that a few religions don't believe in the use of certain medications or doctors in general, but I argue that God gave man the intelligence and gifted brains to create such modern medicinal miracles. Look at Aspirin as a case in point.

This reminds me of an analogy I once heard. A couple's home town was devestated by a flood, and they found temporary shelter on the roof of their house and began to pray in earnest that they be saved by God. After a day or two, a boat comes along side the house and offers rescue, but the couple rejects it in belief that God will deliver them. Two more days go by and finally a helicopter finds them and drops them a ladder, but again they refuse, stating God will rescue them. Unforunately, the couple dies and they find themselves in heaven and complain to God that they were too young to perish, that they had prayed, and wondered why God had let them perish, abandoning them. God in turn replied, "My children, I did hear you. I am the one who sent you the boat and the helicopter."

So I am digressing a bit here. The point is God has given man the ability to use his hands, skills, talents, and minds for medical purposes....so don't reject them outright because some religious figures say not to, or just pray, and if you have enough faith, then you will be cured. I don't think it works that way.

So back to my original thought....I was very disturbed to read that CNN made it a point to mention the Lexapro tidbit, as if to lead readers to believe this may be the cause of this mans mental state. I believe Mr. Underwood was/is mentally unstable as it is, and they didn't state his history of use. Meaning, did he just start taking it? Was he on and off? What was the dosage? Were other factors involved?

My personal experience was I started with 5mg at first. When I mentioned I didn't feel much different at the end of two weeks, my dosage was adjusted to 10mg. Again, when I was really having a tough time and felt that death was indeed an option, my dosage was upped upped to 20mg a day. I'll be honest...I don't know what the upper limit is on dosages, or what the average dosage is. I suspect it's different for everyone and my 20mg may be enough for me, but not enough, or possibly too much for someone else. But I was also told that I had to take it every day, and could take 5 weeks, maybe more, for my body to accept the drug and regulate, and by missing one day may mess up the whole treatment. I don't know one way or another.

What I do know is that I didn't have any 'fantasies' at all. The exact opposite happened. I just felt numb. I was indeed aware that my emotional controls centers seemed diminished. I was always 'even keel'...not overly angry or sad, but never happy and joyous either. Like my mind was muddled when it came to socializng with others. I could still think and do my job, but interaction with others just seemed off. Jokes weren't funny. Songs didn't have me tapping my feet. But my anger was also gone, as was many of the negative emotions as well. There was no more black or white...just grey, if that makes sense.

So what were these fantasies? Is it possible that Mr. Underwood was 'encouraged' or 'tricked' by one of Satans minions? We live in a corrupt world, and I am making no excuse for Mr. Underwood. He should be held accountable, and receive the appropriate punishement. But I wonder how depression takes so many different forms, and if weak willed people (including myself at times) can be influnced by those who really want to seperate us from God and drive us further into sin and madness...i.e. demonic forces. I believe that a certain seperation from God does allow for certain heinous acts to be carried out easier than if someone did have an inkling of Gods knowledge within oneself.