Yesterday was a tough day at work. Not as tough as I first imagined due to the lack of sleep I had and a sore jaw from our arguement the night before. I'm actually surprised how much energy I did have. Possibly I was still amped up from a certain level of adrenaline and anger that was fueling my system.
I did have a moment in which I spoke to my father for 30 minutes and explained what happened. Moreso I suppose as a method of personal release, to get it out since it was boiling up inside me. I chose to share this with my father because he was there for me during my intial breakdowns, and sat with me when he thought I was going to go postal.....just to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.
It's weird being a male. We are taught from an early age in our culture not to show emotions. Perhaps the last few years or decades it has become somewhat more acceptable for men to display a softer side, but even I hate crying as much as I do and I wish I were a stronger person in certain regards.
He just listened to me and shared some insights and said he'd pray for me...for us (that is my wife and I), and wants to see us work it out, but he's afraid that I will spend the next 30-40 years of my life never knowing true happiness. I know what he was alluding to as a possible option, and the thought has indeed crossed my mind....but I take my vows very seriously. Well, at least I do. For Better or For Worse. In Sickness and in Health. Does that mean mental health as well? Hmmmm?
As I tend do when I get in a serious funk, I turn on Christian radio. That 30 minute commute back to my house in the afternoon is sometimes used as an impromptu bible study and I wanted to surround myself in the word yesterday.
Wouldn't you know the message really was directed right back to me??? It was all about those people who can't move forward because they are always looking back. Because they cannot let go of the past. The conviction was there. That is what I do. As much as I pray and want to, my logical brain and/or Satan is always there to tell me "Well, what about the past..? Remember when..?" Yes.....unfortunately I do. I recognize that as much as I have moved forward, I have not embraced the present and future 100%. I still have a portion of myself invested in the past...and their roots run deep.....and keep me tethered to my former self.
I need a spiritual hatchet to cut those roots that tether me so.
I forget the verse, but I seem to recall Christ telling us not to worry about the past, because He knows how much damage the past can do to us. We are supposed to be new creatures with a new mindset under his guidance, grace, mercy, and blood.
Anyway, I had a decent night sleep last night. So much so in fact, I slept hard and undistrurbed from 10:30pm to 7:15 am, almost 9 full hours and I could have used more. My feelings are still hurt, my wife and I still awkward, but at least today I can fucntion. The anger has subsided as has the bitterness and anxiety for the time being...and I didn't have to resort to a Clonzapen.
No comments:
Post a Comment