Having a child (Part I)

Please forgive the non-sequiter here on diving into this subject with no real set up as to why.

It was really borne out of the fact that I have been in contact with an ex-girlfriend of mine from college some 15+ years ago and she and her husband just welcomed their third child into the world. I am pleased for her and her happiness, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a brief sense of selfishness of by part.

You see, ever since I was a teenage boy myself, way before my depressive episodes and trials and tribulations I faced with employment and marriage, I too always thought someday I'd have my own son and/or daughter. I looked forward to the day where I could raise my own child, and give the gift to my parents as well who so desperately want to be grandparents.

Admittedly, I got married a little later than I ever thought I would and during that time (now that I look back) depression was just beginning to manifest within my being. The symptoms were there, I just wasn't 100% cognisant of them let alone knew what would be consuming my mind and spirit in the next few years to come.

In our first year of marriage (we were already in our mid 30's) we tried to have kids. After many unsuccessful attempts we went to a infertility clinic. My wife took the tests (as did I) and we began a regime of pills, shots, medical procedures, etc., to no avail. It was an emotional time for my wife and me as well.

Then things at home took a turn for the worst. My own personal demons began to manifest more and more and I was becoming angry with the world around me; my depression was kicking into overdrive. My stepdaughter was rebelling in school....bad grades, bad behavior, bad excuses. My wife was emotionally spent and realized that the grass may indeed be greener on the other side. Why hang out at home with a self-loathing husband who argued about money when I can go out with my girlfriends and drink to forget about the troubles at home. It didn't help that friends seemed to be getting pregnant all around us and the icing on the cake was her sister getting pregnant for her third time.

I never really spoke about my depression and children before. I believe that it was, and still is, a contributing factor to part of outlook on life and emotional growth. You see, I still want a child, and would like to give one to my parents. This has nothing to do with the fact that my mom and dad both occasionally mention the fact in their not-so-subtle ways that they would like a grandchild as well (Great, yet another way I have let them down I suppose).

After our two failed attempts at artificial insemination, we gave up, at least I thought we gave up temporarily. It wasn't too long ago I learned else wise....my wife had decided (without my input) we were not going to try again. That was very shocking and hard for me to digest, and if I could and hadn't desperately tried to calm my spirit at that exact moment, I most likely would have blown up. Needless to say, this was news I wasn't ready for, nor wanted to accept. A decision regarding my chance of having any offspring at all was summarily decided for me....and not in my favor.

The thing that hurt me the most...and I still hear those words in my head on occasion...is my wife stating to me: "In your emotional state, I don't think it would be wise to bring a child into this world considering your state of mind." Talk about a knock out punch. I can't believe I was still standing after that. It is as if I could feel all the blood draining from my being...what was left of any fragile emotions I had being ripped out from me. My wife was now verbally confirming to me that she thought I was indeed off my rocker, unfit as a husband, not ready to be a father, and questioned if I ever would be.

It was at that instant I seriously began to question my marriage and who exactly did I marry. I wondered if I had made one huge mistake. I silently screamed to God and Christ for mercy. "What have I gotten myself into?" I wondered. I had made a contract with God at the altar on my day of marriage...and now everything I wanted left out of life was being told wasn't going to happen.

To be continued.....