Weird introspective

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace of the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)

I'm taking a break from the last two days postings. While I still have more to chew on and debate within my head on what I revealed in my last writings, I've had a strange feeling wash over me today.

I woke up a little groggy as usual and was thankful my wife bought some real fresh coffee to enjoy last night for our consumption. She's going out of town tomorrow on a business trip and will be gone a whole week. It really isn't that far away actually, something like only 45 miles away from our home, but she will be working long hours and I doubt we'll speak much, maybe a call in the evening.

Our financial status has been a little strained lately with me making some sacrifices (more brown bag lunches, limited driving, a few unexpected bills) that will put me on a very conservative spin the next few weeks. I was very open with my wife about our situation and I think she understood, but I am not 100% convinced as we still have separate checking accounts...but I know we are temporarily strained, at least until we get our stimulus package and regular IRS rebates. It's can't get here soon enough as I have a few bills that need to be paid, and I'm waiting until the almost drop dead deadline before I write a check.

It does tend to make me a bit nervous, and in some ways, perhaps its best my wife is gone for a week so she doesn't see me stress. On the flip side, I can imagine she may spend a few extra dollars we really don't have in going out at night, but I don't have the heart to tell her to watch her spending habits lest she takes it the wrong way. I just try and paint a very crystal clear picture of where we stand, and hope she can figure it out and make the right decisions.

So today, maybe because it's in the back of my mind (the money stuff that is), and the fact I will be alone for the next 8 days, but I am feeling a little anxiety within. There's a bit of tightening in the chest today and I've caught myself taking some deep breaths. But the weird thing is, I also have a certain un-explaneable peace about it today. My paycheck from yesterday is already accounted for, and I'm already counting down days until the next one (something I never did before), and yet I know we'll be okay for some reason. I just need to continue to really think wisely for the next few weeks and really limit myself to get back into the black.

I think about missionaries and wonder 'How do they do it?' I watch the news and see devastation in Arkansas and read articles on how minimum wage earners can barely scrape by. I have a friend right now who is married with a few kids who just learned that his position will be eliminated in a few weeks and he's already began looking for a new job, and I continue to wonder 'How do they do it?'

What is their secret for moving on and waking up? Is it the human spirit and will to always keep fighting? Is it God's grace that He will always look after His children? Is their faith stronger than my own, and am I jealous because of that?

Is Jesus finally having me really turn a corner, at least for this week? To know there is a light at the end of the tunnel albeit a few weeks from now, but until then we must endure living paycheck to paycheck wondering how the next bill is going to be paid? Today I thank Jesus for giving me the strength I have right now, because I know I didn't have this strength a year ago. I can just imagine how my mindset would be were it another time in my past.