I want to thank those that leave comments or send me letters through my hotmail account.
Many of you stay anonymous, and while I can understand the reasoning behind it, I wish I could put a name to you all personally.
Like the last person who left a comment about Christian Love Stories....about a woman who has medical issues, and her husband, and the love they share through Christ. Thank you...I added the link to the right as well. It touches me, and it saddens me at the same time. While I do not envy her situation and am very sorry for her physical pain and hardships, I do envy the love she shares with her mate. Something I have been praying about for years and have yet to achieve.
Other than my sweet dog, and the occasional communion with Christ through prayer, it can be very hard at times to feel so alone in this world. I wish it were easier. I also wish I could say that all your comments gave me a boost of confidence to wake up everyday and thank Jesus for a beautiful day and keep me going to be a representative of Him.
But I'd also be lying to myself and to you.
I recently told by someone who doesn't really know me all that well, that he and his wife had been praying for me. He says he sees me at church, alone, and told me lovingly yet bluntly "You look like you have had all your confidence drained from you, and we pray that it is restored." Well, believe me when I say I didn't know how to respond. A meek 'Thank you" you came from my lips to know that someone is praying for me, but the flip side is 'Am I really that obvious? Do I really look like I can throw in the towel?'
The sad truth is, the answer is 'yes'. I have often thought about running away from my current life. My marriage. My career. My family. Does that make me a coward? I suppose to some people it does. I have often thought/wished I had never been born. To say life is a gift to cherish...yes, at times it is. At other times, I cannot help but argue in my own head that if I had never been born to begin with, I wouldn't really know the difference to treasure life or not. So non-existence would have protected me from feeling so alone.
I have no idea on where I am going with this right now other than a brain dump right now, so instead of rambling in a circle as I can often tend to do, I will stop.
November 29, 2007
This past week (Part I)
It seems in the last few years, the closer we get to the holiday season, the more I feel depressed. I say depressed in the way that I am not experiencing the love and joy our culture has associated with the coming of the season.
Where some look forward to singing Christmas carols, drinking warm egg-nog on a cold night, looking at the pretty lights and spending time with family and all the delicious smells wafting from the oven, I can't help feel like I get short-changed.
Last week, my church had an annual holiday breakfast. I was really looking forward to going, and even volunteered to come in early and help set-up. I extended an invitation to my wife more than once over the course of a few weeks leading up to the event, and she led me to believe that she would be attending. Why wouldn't she? She was quite able to spend time with the neighbors the last few days having wine and socializing for hours on end. Could a two hour breakfast a mile from our house be asking too much?
Sadly, the answer is a resounding 'Yes'.
I had gotten up early that morning and rushed down there to help set up tables and chairs, and quietly sat in anticipation for my wife to show up at 9am as I had reminded her a few times before.
9am....9:15.....9:30...9:45...
One of the congregation came up to me, "Hey, where's your wife? I guess the bed was all too warm this morning." He meant it as a joke, in good spirit....but he was all too dead spot on and it took as much energy as I could muster to put on a fake smile and not break down. It's a good thing I had my sunglasses with me, as I could feel my eyes begin to well up with tears and my pride did not want to let on how crushed I was.
At 10:00 am I had given up. I could no longer enjoy myself, and who was I kidding? I could not sit any longer and 'pretend' I was having a good time.
I left silently, and walked home.
Once home I walked inside to see my wife at her computer, sitting in her robe, drinking coffee.
I was at a loss for words. If I open my mouth, my emotions would come pouring out. I'd say something hurtful and mean. For what? To 'get even'? No, I just thought to myself....this is par for the course, I am so foolish for getting my expectations up. I should have known better. My face and my body language must have given me away.
She looked up at me from her PC, "What's wrong?"
Astonishing. In those quick few seconds, so many responses had filled my head, but none of them would be ending good. I decided to fight down my primal urges inside, my rage/anger/hurt/frustration/sadness/loneliness.
"Nothing.", I said.
I slipped back into the garage and tried to make myself look busy for a bit. Better to give myself something to do, keep my mind and body occupied....calm down.
As I began to pull out the Christmas lights from the garage shelves, I felt as if once again...Christmas is here, and I'll be going through the motions.
To be continued.....
Where some look forward to singing Christmas carols, drinking warm egg-nog on a cold night, looking at the pretty lights and spending time with family and all the delicious smells wafting from the oven, I can't help feel like I get short-changed.
Last week, my church had an annual holiday breakfast. I was really looking forward to going, and even volunteered to come in early and help set-up. I extended an invitation to my wife more than once over the course of a few weeks leading up to the event, and she led me to believe that she would be attending. Why wouldn't she? She was quite able to spend time with the neighbors the last few days having wine and socializing for hours on end. Could a two hour breakfast a mile from our house be asking too much?
Sadly, the answer is a resounding 'Yes'.
I had gotten up early that morning and rushed down there to help set up tables and chairs, and quietly sat in anticipation for my wife to show up at 9am as I had reminded her a few times before.
9am....9:15.....9:30...9:45...
One of the congregation came up to me, "Hey, where's your wife? I guess the bed was all too warm this morning." He meant it as a joke, in good spirit....but he was all too dead spot on and it took as much energy as I could muster to put on a fake smile and not break down. It's a good thing I had my sunglasses with me, as I could feel my eyes begin to well up with tears and my pride did not want to let on how crushed I was.
At 10:00 am I had given up. I could no longer enjoy myself, and who was I kidding? I could not sit any longer and 'pretend' I was having a good time.
I left silently, and walked home.
Once home I walked inside to see my wife at her computer, sitting in her robe, drinking coffee.
I was at a loss for words. If I open my mouth, my emotions would come pouring out. I'd say something hurtful and mean. For what? To 'get even'? No, I just thought to myself....this is par for the course, I am so foolish for getting my expectations up. I should have known better. My face and my body language must have given me away.
She looked up at me from her PC, "What's wrong?"
Astonishing. In those quick few seconds, so many responses had filled my head, but none of them would be ending good. I decided to fight down my primal urges inside, my rage/anger/hurt/frustration/sadness/loneliness.
"Nothing.", I said.
I slipped back into the garage and tried to make myself look busy for a bit. Better to give myself something to do, keep my mind and body occupied....calm down.
As I began to pull out the Christmas lights from the garage shelves, I felt as if once again...Christmas is here, and I'll be going through the motions.
To be continued.....
November 19, 2007
Recent Poll
I came across an interesting poll on CNN.com today:
Do you approach family holiday gatherings with (42826 votes so far) :
Dread 41% 17619 votes
Joyful anticipation 59% 25207 votes
That's actually quite sad. And I admit, I answered 'dread' myself.
The ideals of intimate family gatherings, relaxation, getting to know ones neighbors, and a reason to celebrate and exchange gifts has lost much of its meaning to many people, including myself.
When I was younger, there was always a magical feeling in the air when Thanksgiving and Christmas were upon us. As a child, I recall looking forward to grandparents visits, eating rich food, holiday TV specials, the smell of a pine tree, twinkling lights, eggnog, fresh cookies, and of course toys.
To me it meant time off from school, Twilight Zone marathons, chocolate candies, and fireplaces.
Sadly today I recognize now more than ever spirituality is at an all time lull. I crave getting to know Christ more and more, to recognize that this day symbolizes 'hope' for a doomed world, to be 'thankful' of what we do have and to cast our worries and troubles aside, at least for the duration of a good meal.
But now it seems I am spending time with people and relatives and neighbors who do not share by spiritual beliefs. It's more about the iPod, or the PlayStation than it is about family. And I fall right into this trap as well.
I was at the mall yesterday alone to begin my Christmas shopping, and I realize I am buying gifts for people, expensive ones at that, because somewhere over the years I feel obligated to just by the sheer nature it is Christmas, and that's what you do. Some of these people haven't seen the inside of a church in years, let alone opened a bible, or prayed. But that's not really for me to judge and hold against them. Our whole society has become perverse in thine manner.
As an example, I purchased my aunt a gift certificate for $50 at a clothing store. To me, a few thoughts crossed my mind during the whole ordeal: 1) Certificates are so impersonal, but I truly am drawing a blank on what to get people anymore. 2) Was $50 enough for my aunt? To some it may be, but to me, I think I'll end up spending more on her to assuade my own guilt for not looking cheap if you can believe that. 3) She's agnostic to boot.
I had that same thought with many people this year, even my wife. She gave me a list of what she desires....leaving no room for me to get her something of my own thinking lest she be disappointed....which of course takes out all the meaning and pleasure out of gift giving to me.
On the reverse side of the coin, she asked me what I would like for Christmas, and I honestly do not know. I really haven't given it too much thought, in which she replied "Great, looks like it is going to be another gift certificate year." This saddened me a bit, because I thought after 4 year of marriage and 2 years of dating, she'd be more creative when it comes to me.
I think of parties we are obligated to attend in which I don't want to participate for one reason or another, whether it be traffic, or listening to the same tired stories I always hear, or fussing about meals on if they are being served on time or not, and if the kids are behaving, and all the other stress.
Speaking of stress, just getting to the malls and navigating on my free days seems to tire me out already just thinking of it, then to come home, hide presents, wrap presents, identify presents, etc. It just doesn't sound very relaxing at all anymore.
And perhaps I am being overly cynical these days. I watch the news and just seem to get so depressed on all the horrible events: fires, earthquakes, cyclones, disease, war, shootings. How am I to be thankful? How can I celebrate with all this minutiae happening all over?
I lay in bed last night and decided to share some of my thought with my wife in the dark. I told her I fear for peoples salvation, more so today than ever before. I told her my emotions as of late have been all over the map sans the drugs. I felt as if I was opening up to her looking, grasping for some empathy and support. Instead she told me maybe I need to see a therapist again.
Not what I wanted to hear.
It was at this moment, she said she couldn't help me. That I see the world too black & white. That I forgot to have fun and that I am way to serious.
I sat and tried to digest this for a minute or so. Is it possible I am slipping back down the hole again? Do I need to start taking medication again before I start sliding down fast? While I was thinking these thoughts, my wife rolled over away from me and fell asleep.
Here I am again, feeling alone in the world, intensified by the false veil of 'holiday cheer'.
Do you approach family holiday gatherings with (42826 votes so far) :
Dread 41% 17619 votes
Joyful anticipation 59% 25207 votes
That's actually quite sad. And I admit, I answered 'dread' myself.
The ideals of intimate family gatherings, relaxation, getting to know ones neighbors, and a reason to celebrate and exchange gifts has lost much of its meaning to many people, including myself.
When I was younger, there was always a magical feeling in the air when Thanksgiving and Christmas were upon us. As a child, I recall looking forward to grandparents visits, eating rich food, holiday TV specials, the smell of a pine tree, twinkling lights, eggnog, fresh cookies, and of course toys.
To me it meant time off from school, Twilight Zone marathons, chocolate candies, and fireplaces.
Sadly today I recognize now more than ever spirituality is at an all time lull. I crave getting to know Christ more and more, to recognize that this day symbolizes 'hope' for a doomed world, to be 'thankful' of what we do have and to cast our worries and troubles aside, at least for the duration of a good meal.
But now it seems I am spending time with people and relatives and neighbors who do not share by spiritual beliefs. It's more about the iPod, or the PlayStation than it is about family. And I fall right into this trap as well.
I was at the mall yesterday alone to begin my Christmas shopping, and I realize I am buying gifts for people, expensive ones at that, because somewhere over the years I feel obligated to just by the sheer nature it is Christmas, and that's what you do. Some of these people haven't seen the inside of a church in years, let alone opened a bible, or prayed. But that's not really for me to judge and hold against them. Our whole society has become perverse in thine manner.
As an example, I purchased my aunt a gift certificate for $50 at a clothing store. To me, a few thoughts crossed my mind during the whole ordeal: 1) Certificates are so impersonal, but I truly am drawing a blank on what to get people anymore. 2) Was $50 enough for my aunt? To some it may be, but to me, I think I'll end up spending more on her to assuade my own guilt for not looking cheap if you can believe that. 3) She's agnostic to boot.
I had that same thought with many people this year, even my wife. She gave me a list of what she desires....leaving no room for me to get her something of my own thinking lest she be disappointed....which of course takes out all the meaning and pleasure out of gift giving to me.
On the reverse side of the coin, she asked me what I would like for Christmas, and I honestly do not know. I really haven't given it too much thought, in which she replied "Great, looks like it is going to be another gift certificate year." This saddened me a bit, because I thought after 4 year of marriage and 2 years of dating, she'd be more creative when it comes to me.
I think of parties we are obligated to attend in which I don't want to participate for one reason or another, whether it be traffic, or listening to the same tired stories I always hear, or fussing about meals on if they are being served on time or not, and if the kids are behaving, and all the other stress.
Speaking of stress, just getting to the malls and navigating on my free days seems to tire me out already just thinking of it, then to come home, hide presents, wrap presents, identify presents, etc. It just doesn't sound very relaxing at all anymore.
And perhaps I am being overly cynical these days. I watch the news and just seem to get so depressed on all the horrible events: fires, earthquakes, cyclones, disease, war, shootings. How am I to be thankful? How can I celebrate with all this minutiae happening all over?
I lay in bed last night and decided to share some of my thought with my wife in the dark. I told her I fear for peoples salvation, more so today than ever before. I told her my emotions as of late have been all over the map sans the drugs. I felt as if I was opening up to her looking, grasping for some empathy and support. Instead she told me maybe I need to see a therapist again.
Not what I wanted to hear.
It was at this moment, she said she couldn't help me. That I see the world too black & white. That I forgot to have fun and that I am way to serious.
I sat and tried to digest this for a minute or so. Is it possible I am slipping back down the hole again? Do I need to start taking medication again before I start sliding down fast? While I was thinking these thoughts, my wife rolled over away from me and fell asleep.
Here I am again, feeling alone in the world, intensified by the false veil of 'holiday cheer'.
November 16, 2007
A bit angry and frustrated today
Sometimes I just feel so exasperated.
Marriage is much harder than it first appears on paper or in one's head, especially when either spouse occassionaly tends to put their feelings and free spirit first with disregard to how the other may feel or react.
What is really burdensome to me is that it happens so randomly, I never know what to expect, other than the fact it will indeed happen again if history is any teacher.
So I write this entry today with a few caveats in place: 1) I'm still a little worked up and probably have some residual resentment, anger, and hurt feelings that may come out in this. 2) I had very little sleep last night partly in regards to this. 3) I feel the need to vent, but I don't have anyone to turn to early in the morning. 4) My prayers in regards to the state of my marriage seemingly don't get answered right now and I'm a little lost on what to do/say/act next. 5) Things lately have seemed to good to be true, so I guess I was just fooling myself, ignorant to the fact that my wife is capable of a stupid stunt...again.
Apparently one of her co-workers was leaving the company and so she left a message that she'd be going out for a "couple of beers, and I'll be home soon." That message was left on our answering machine roughly at 5:45pm. Okay, I'm actually fine with that. She let me know where she was going and why, and who am I to deny her the right to say goodbye to someone she worked with and a friend over the years.
But I guess I should have realized that the other people also taking part are the same immature, drunks and chain smokers that always seem to spell trouble. Last night was no different.
So at 8pm, my wife is still not home, and calls again to leave a message (maybe I was in the shower or something) stating "If you want, I'll bring you home dinner. I'll be leaving in the next 5-10 minutes."
I didn't call her back for two reasons: 1) It's already 8pm and I assumed I was on my own for dinner, so I ate a sandwhich on my own. 2) She said she's be leaving in no more than 10 minutes, and the restaurant she was at is only 15 minutes away, so I should expect her no later than 8:30pm.
I went to bed at 10:45pm. Wife was still not home. I really didn't want to call her and 'check up on her.'
Finally at 11:45 pm she walks in the house. She makes a lot of noise, comes into the bedroom, chooses not to say one word to me, and climbs into bed.
I'm pretty worked up now and I can't sleep. The thoughts that go through my head are random, but generally are of this nature: "You are rude and inconsiderate. Grow up. How does 10 minutes equate to 3.5 hours? Why aren't you saying anything? You think this is acceptable? Please, do not talk to me. Lord, why? Why did I choose this person to marry who only cares about her own fun?"
It doesn't stop there.
At 12:30 am the phone rings. It is one of her really drunk girlfriends calling. She is so loud, I know instantly who it is, and I cannot help but think to myself "Figures, XXXXX is involved. Of course my wife stayed out late, and didn't call, she's hanging out with the very immature people yet again."
I got up and slept on the couch all night. Starting an argument at 12:30am was not on my list of things to do right then and there. My wife did not say one word to me. I did not say one word to her. I got up early, and tired, and left for work.
I'm praying about this, but I am so angry right now. These are the moments I wish I was not married and I kick myself in the rear. It's seems senseless to argue to her about this, because her M.O. is to be hyper-defensive, that I am over-reacting, that she won't do it again.....but the fact of the matter is she will.
Lord, what will you have me do? Why do I feel like I am the only one in this marriage? That I am the only person that think about 'us', when I believe my wife only thinks of 'herself'?
Lord, please give me the wisdom to act accordingly and lovingly, but please understand why I am angry and help quell those feelings.
Marriage is much harder than it first appears on paper or in one's head, especially when either spouse occassionaly tends to put their feelings and free spirit first with disregard to how the other may feel or react.
What is really burdensome to me is that it happens so randomly, I never know what to expect, other than the fact it will indeed happen again if history is any teacher.
So I write this entry today with a few caveats in place: 1) I'm still a little worked up and probably have some residual resentment, anger, and hurt feelings that may come out in this. 2) I had very little sleep last night partly in regards to this. 3) I feel the need to vent, but I don't have anyone to turn to early in the morning. 4) My prayers in regards to the state of my marriage seemingly don't get answered right now and I'm a little lost on what to do/say/act next. 5) Things lately have seemed to good to be true, so I guess I was just fooling myself, ignorant to the fact that my wife is capable of a stupid stunt...again.
Apparently one of her co-workers was leaving the company and so she left a message that she'd be going out for a "couple of beers, and I'll be home soon." That message was left on our answering machine roughly at 5:45pm. Okay, I'm actually fine with that. She let me know where she was going and why, and who am I to deny her the right to say goodbye to someone she worked with and a friend over the years.
But I guess I should have realized that the other people also taking part are the same immature, drunks and chain smokers that always seem to spell trouble. Last night was no different.
So at 8pm, my wife is still not home, and calls again to leave a message (maybe I was in the shower or something) stating "If you want, I'll bring you home dinner. I'll be leaving in the next 5-10 minutes."
I didn't call her back for two reasons: 1) It's already 8pm and I assumed I was on my own for dinner, so I ate a sandwhich on my own. 2) She said she's be leaving in no more than 10 minutes, and the restaurant she was at is only 15 minutes away, so I should expect her no later than 8:30pm.
I went to bed at 10:45pm. Wife was still not home. I really didn't want to call her and 'check up on her.'
Finally at 11:45 pm she walks in the house. She makes a lot of noise, comes into the bedroom, chooses not to say one word to me, and climbs into bed.
I'm pretty worked up now and I can't sleep. The thoughts that go through my head are random, but generally are of this nature: "You are rude and inconsiderate. Grow up. How does 10 minutes equate to 3.5 hours? Why aren't you saying anything? You think this is acceptable? Please, do not talk to me. Lord, why? Why did I choose this person to marry who only cares about her own fun?"
It doesn't stop there.
At 12:30 am the phone rings. It is one of her really drunk girlfriends calling. She is so loud, I know instantly who it is, and I cannot help but think to myself "Figures, XXXXX is involved. Of course my wife stayed out late, and didn't call, she's hanging out with the very immature people yet again."
I got up and slept on the couch all night. Starting an argument at 12:30am was not on my list of things to do right then and there. My wife did not say one word to me. I did not say one word to her. I got up early, and tired, and left for work.
I'm praying about this, but I am so angry right now. These are the moments I wish I was not married and I kick myself in the rear. It's seems senseless to argue to her about this, because her M.O. is to be hyper-defensive, that I am over-reacting, that she won't do it again.....but the fact of the matter is she will.
Lord, what will you have me do? Why do I feel like I am the only one in this marriage? That I am the only person that think about 'us', when I believe my wife only thinks of 'herself'?
Lord, please give me the wisdom to act accordingly and lovingly, but please understand why I am angry and help quell those feelings.
November 12, 2007
Memories of Bottlecaps
Sometimes the most simplest of all things and their associated memories can bring a smile to my face and a certain 'giddiness' to myself.
Today, in a higher than normal hectic day, one of co-workers had out a bowl of left over Halloween candy. Inside, I spied a package of Wonka Bottlecaps. The packaging has changed quite a bit over the last 25 years from the very first ones I can remember opening, but the taste is unforgettable.
As is the memories that filled my mind of being a child and not be cogniscent of the cruel and wicked and often dissapointing world that surrounds me.
It was a little surreal. I popped the first cap in my mouth...Rootbeer.....and before I knew it, it was a summer afternoon in Michigan and I was with my parents and my favorite uncle sitting outside an old A&W drive-in stand. My uncle used to take me here for a rootbeer float when he was alive and I was young. We were on vacation, and we had been vsiting relatives that still live in the smae hometown my parents were from.
I has a special bond with my uncle. He was like a grandfather to me. He always made time for me, and I have so many special memories of him. I was devestated when he passed almost two years ago. Probably more so than I would be when my own grandfather passes.
Anyway, I remember him introducing me to Bottlecaps, and to this day, it is one of my favorite novelty candies.
Orange....like a 50/50 bar, and here I sit again in the backyard of yet another relatives yard. There's a picnic bench outside that I sit on and watch my older family tell stories of their youth in which I cannot relate, but it's okay. I have my Bottlecaps and I listen to their laughter and I watch the clouds drift by and feel the warmth of the sun on my arms and legs.
Grape. My cousins and I will be lighting fireworks soon. We swam all day out at the cottage and ate hotdogs and canned beans, and fished for Sunfish.
Cola...another flavor just as delicate. Why are all my memories now of when I was eight or nine years old? The images and feelings are intense and are surprising that they have surfaced. But with every cap I throw in my mouth, the taste takes me back. Back before I knew what mortage was, taxes, before a career, before alcohol and girlfriends and death and war. Before I knew about depression and God and corrupt world ideologies and pain and hurt. Before I allowed anger and despair to take foot in my mind and heart.
5 Bottlecaps. That's all there was in this pack. 5. It took me all of a few minutes to eat them all, but the memories that brought back with them is something I treasure and long for again.
November 06, 2007
Depression - Meds, the first 2 weeks (part 9)
The morning I started my medication was very personal to me. I woke early, as I always do, while looking forward to go to work and getting out of the house, not looking forward to certain people I had to work with.
The thought of putting on a 'happy' face all the while concealing my contempt and utter lack of respect for some people was harder than it seems. While I thought I was doing a good job at it, apparently I wasn't fooling too many people. As much as I thought I had my anger and emotions under control, I would learn later people had noticed a difference in me.
My patience, something I had very little of to begin with, had even smaller margins now. I never really noticed how much I was gritting my teeth or rolling my eyes when people were talking to me.
I looked in the mirror of our vanity and saw the tired eyes looking back at me. I also noticed that I had a lot more gray hair than I once remembered. Was I actually aging myself, taking years off my life from the foul and putrid moods I was now in? Would I be prematurely gray from genetics, or did the the world do this to me? Did I do this to me?
I opened the first bottle. Lexapro. The Clonapen would wait until later, but I would make sure I stuck one in my pocket, just in case....you know...for an emergency. I wanted to do this quietly. I did not want my wife to see this...partly pride...partly because I didn't want to hear any comments or have her reminded that her husband sunk this far.
The doctors told me I wouldn't feel anything right away. They said it would take at least two weeks for my body to adjust and accept the drugs in my body and have my brain chemicals altered. Funny, you never really have these same thought when you drink a few beers. Alcohol changes the brain chemistry, but usually within minutes of consumption. Here, now that I want my chemistry to change, now I have to wait two weeks. People wonder why people turn to alcohol. It's simple.....People want to escape their reality and pain as quickly as possible, not wait two weeks or longer. I know...alcohol was my 'friend'....my own medication that I could prescribe as much as I wanted and when.
There were times even the slightest feeling of anxiety, perhaps just a simple heart flutter, would send me to the cupboards for a tumbler to add a few ice cubes and watch the amber liquid of Jack Daniels splash across the glass.
I swallowed the pill and continued to get ready for work. I dressed and said goodbye to my wife who was still laying in bed. On my wait out our bedroom door she told me "Did you take your pills?"
My God...I wish I could have seen my face at that moment. There it was....that question just dangling out there in space....waiting for an answer. I wanted to reply "Yes, you're crazy husband who cannot seem to get his act together...the guy who is educated and knows better....the guy who was big and strong and in control and fixed and paid for everything who is now an utter mess, who cannot concentrate, who hates people, who hates life, who doesn't know up from down right now and wants to run away and ask God for a 'do-over', who feels like he wants to punch everyone in sight, who likes the taste of whisky.....took his good for nothing pill that isn't even going to do anything for two weeks if he's lucky."
Instead I muttered a soft spoken "yes" just to get it over with and walked out without looking back.
So here I start my new regime... a pill every morning...a physical reminder that stares me in the face to let me know I failed somewhere along the line.
To be continued.....
The thought of putting on a 'happy' face all the while concealing my contempt and utter lack of respect for some people was harder than it seems. While I thought I was doing a good job at it, apparently I wasn't fooling too many people. As much as I thought I had my anger and emotions under control, I would learn later people had noticed a difference in me.
My patience, something I had very little of to begin with, had even smaller margins now. I never really noticed how much I was gritting my teeth or rolling my eyes when people were talking to me.
I looked in the mirror of our vanity and saw the tired eyes looking back at me. I also noticed that I had a lot more gray hair than I once remembered. Was I actually aging myself, taking years off my life from the foul and putrid moods I was now in? Would I be prematurely gray from genetics, or did the the world do this to me? Did I do this to me?
I opened the first bottle. Lexapro. The Clonapen would wait until later, but I would make sure I stuck one in my pocket, just in case....you know...for an emergency. I wanted to do this quietly. I did not want my wife to see this...partly pride...partly because I didn't want to hear any comments or have her reminded that her husband sunk this far.
The doctors told me I wouldn't feel anything right away. They said it would take at least two weeks for my body to adjust and accept the drugs in my body and have my brain chemicals altered. Funny, you never really have these same thought when you drink a few beers. Alcohol changes the brain chemistry, but usually within minutes of consumption. Here, now that I want my chemistry to change, now I have to wait two weeks. People wonder why people turn to alcohol. It's simple.....People want to escape their reality and pain as quickly as possible, not wait two weeks or longer. I know...alcohol was my 'friend'....my own medication that I could prescribe as much as I wanted and when.
There were times even the slightest feeling of anxiety, perhaps just a simple heart flutter, would send me to the cupboards for a tumbler to add a few ice cubes and watch the amber liquid of Jack Daniels splash across the glass.
I swallowed the pill and continued to get ready for work. I dressed and said goodbye to my wife who was still laying in bed. On my wait out our bedroom door she told me "Did you take your pills?"
My God...I wish I could have seen my face at that moment. There it was....that question just dangling out there in space....waiting for an answer. I wanted to reply "Yes, you're crazy husband who cannot seem to get his act together...the guy who is educated and knows better....the guy who was big and strong and in control and fixed and paid for everything who is now an utter mess, who cannot concentrate, who hates people, who hates life, who doesn't know up from down right now and wants to run away and ask God for a 'do-over', who feels like he wants to punch everyone in sight, who likes the taste of whisky.....took his good for nothing pill that isn't even going to do anything for two weeks if he's lucky."
Instead I muttered a soft spoken "yes" just to get it over with and walked out without looking back.
So here I start my new regime... a pill every morning...a physical reminder that stares me in the face to let me know I failed somewhere along the line.
To be continued.....
November 02, 2007
To Die in Jerusalem
From the HBO website:
To Die In Jerusalem:
Two daughters lost in conflict: one a suicide bomber, the other her victim. Two mothers searching for answers. Two nations divided by the land they share. TO DIE IN JERUSALEM looks at the Israeli-Palestinian conflict through the eyes of two mothers who lost their daughters in one deadly act of violence. The documentary recounts the heart- wrenching story of two teenage girls - 17-year-old Israeli student Rachel Levy, and her killer, 18-year-old Palestinian suicide bomber Ayat al-Akhras - who died together in a Jerusalem market in 2002.
Additional detailed synopsis here.
I actually stumbled upon this last night while I was flipping channels. Earlier in the day I had written about Halloween, and when I got home, my thoughts still seemed and I feared my entry didn't make much sense. I planned on re-commenting on it today, but then I got sucked into this documentary.
A world a way for me, but saddened me so much. I will probably never make it to the middle east in my life time, especially anywhere near the West Bank or Palestine/Israel, and to be honest, while I know there is a conflict raging their daily, like most Americans I probably don't pay all that much attention. Sorta like, 'Outta sight, outta mind'.
The story itself is tragic enough. We could go on and on and on about the ramifications, politics, etc. One thing that really caught my eye was the living conditions on both sides. The neighborhoods were so crowded, Arabic graffiti adorned the walls similar to what one would see in inner cities in America. But instead of gang signs and rude remarks, the scrawling was of Allah, or jihad, or other political statements. To me it reminded me of downtown Compton, CA...a place you don't want to be out at night, where all the windows have bars on them, and gunshots and sirens are a regular sound.
So it is just as common in sections of Israel and Palestine. Where in America, these sounds are associated with drug deals, prostitution, gang warfare, in the middle east it is about religious differences and occupation. Wow.
I was amazed at the attitudes of both families. Upon the anniversary of their daughters death, one mother cried and is still looking for answers, the other, while sad, celebrated heroism and nobility. You can guess which mother was which.
And to think this happens every day? Week? Month? Year? Generation?
As a Christian I was fascinated by both ideologies presented to me, and what there idea of peace and God's will is, and how different that is from mine. I read the bible, one reads the Torah, the other the Koran. Very religious books, 3 radically different interpretations.
I was very saddened by the parents outlook and attitude of the martyr, Ayat. While in their hearts they miss their child, they also believe she is a hero for her sacrifice and the justifications they offer are something we cannot comprehend, but seems absolutely normal to them.
The final thought I had was something that Christ said to us all: "I am the way the truth and the life; NO MAN cometh unto the Father BUT BY ME." -- Jesus Christ (John 14:6) And so I wonder, as a Christian, did both these children die for nothing? If they did not accept Christ, where do they reside now? I have an easier time accepting where Ayat may be, but I am not so sure about Rachel. Rachel was old enough to know about Christ, but did she die in denial of Christ as the savior, no matter how innocent she was? I do not know, for only Christ knows the condition of the heart and who spends eternity where, but as I sit on my couch and watch these past events with a slack jaw, I cannot help but think years of heartache for both families ended in two lost souls....literally.
To Die In Jerusalem:
Two daughters lost in conflict: one a suicide bomber, the other her victim. Two mothers searching for answers. Two nations divided by the land they share. TO DIE IN JERUSALEM looks at the Israeli-Palestinian conflict through the eyes of two mothers who lost their daughters in one deadly act of violence. The documentary recounts the heart- wrenching story of two teenage girls - 17-year-old Israeli student Rachel Levy, and her killer, 18-year-old Palestinian suicide bomber Ayat al-Akhras - who died together in a Jerusalem market in 2002.
Additional detailed synopsis here.
I actually stumbled upon this last night while I was flipping channels. Earlier in the day I had written about Halloween, and when I got home, my thoughts still seemed and I feared my entry didn't make much sense. I planned on re-commenting on it today, but then I got sucked into this documentary.
A world a way for me, but saddened me so much. I will probably never make it to the middle east in my life time, especially anywhere near the West Bank or Palestine/Israel, and to be honest, while I know there is a conflict raging their daily, like most Americans I probably don't pay all that much attention. Sorta like, 'Outta sight, outta mind'.
The story itself is tragic enough. We could go on and on and on about the ramifications, politics, etc. One thing that really caught my eye was the living conditions on both sides. The neighborhoods were so crowded, Arabic graffiti adorned the walls similar to what one would see in inner cities in America. But instead of gang signs and rude remarks, the scrawling was of Allah, or jihad, or other political statements. To me it reminded me of downtown Compton, CA...a place you don't want to be out at night, where all the windows have bars on them, and gunshots and sirens are a regular sound.
So it is just as common in sections of Israel and Palestine. Where in America, these sounds are associated with drug deals, prostitution, gang warfare, in the middle east it is about religious differences and occupation. Wow.
I was amazed at the attitudes of both families. Upon the anniversary of their daughters death, one mother cried and is still looking for answers, the other, while sad, celebrated heroism and nobility. You can guess which mother was which.
And to think this happens every day? Week? Month? Year? Generation?
As a Christian I was fascinated by both ideologies presented to me, and what there idea of peace and God's will is, and how different that is from mine. I read the bible, one reads the Torah, the other the Koran. Very religious books, 3 radically different interpretations.
I was very saddened by the parents outlook and attitude of the martyr, Ayat. While in their hearts they miss their child, they also believe she is a hero for her sacrifice and the justifications they offer are something we cannot comprehend, but seems absolutely normal to them.
The final thought I had was something that Christ said to us all: "I am the way the truth and the life; NO MAN cometh unto the Father BUT BY ME." -- Jesus Christ (John 14:6) And so I wonder, as a Christian, did both these children die for nothing? If they did not accept Christ, where do they reside now? I have an easier time accepting where Ayat may be, but I am not so sure about Rachel. Rachel was old enough to know about Christ, but did she die in denial of Christ as the savior, no matter how innocent she was? I do not know, for only Christ knows the condition of the heart and who spends eternity where, but as I sit on my couch and watch these past events with a slack jaw, I cannot help but think years of heartache for both families ended in two lost souls....literally.
November 01, 2007
Dol-drums
I think that spelling is what is generally accepted, but I'm not positive. That's how I feel today. I'm a bit tired; actually more tired than even I think I let on. This morning it was very gray and overcast outside with fog.....a day I would have liked to stay in bed for a bit longer even if I couldn't sleep.
I had a large cup of over-priced Starbucks this morning, and even that 20 oz IV drip of caffeine hasn't seemed to get me jump started today.
I glance at the clock and realize it's only lunch. A 200 calorie cup of instant Pad Thai noodles is my vice today, and while it sounded good at the store, it has left me grossly unsatisfied to say the least.
As was my dinner last night.
Shredded Trader Joe's BBQ chicken, nuked, and served over an open faced wheat hamburger bun. It was later than I would have liked, so I only ate one, but I told my wife it had no real taste anyway, so the thought and energy of making a second one never got off the ground.
Yesterday was Halloween.
I'm not sure what to make of this 'Holiday' anymore.
When I was a child, my parents took me trick or treating and it was a big thing. I was Steve Austin (the Bionic Man) once, Frankenstein, a ghost, and Tweety Bird amongst other characters.
Then one year when my parents got seriously religious I was scared into not celebrating Halloween any longer, lest I be giving homage to Satan and his minions. Instead, I was dropped off at a 'Harvest Festival' at my church at the time for cold pizza, some board games, and store bought treats.
I never really celebrated Harvest Festival again after that one year, nor did I partake in Halloween again until I was in college. And in college, it was more about an excuse to have throw back some beers and meet girls than it was about dressing up.
I remember that I was always leery about Halloween. Part of me enjoyed the idea of a party, a time to have fun, a time to have a few drinks and socialize....but the other part of me was indeed scared that I was not taking Christianity seriously, that perhaps Christ was frowning down upon me, that maybe, just maybe I was glorifying the evil one.
I have not worn a costume for about 15 years now, and I have no children to be faced whether I Trick or Treat or not.
Personally I dread Halloween, not necessarily for occultic overtones, but the sheer fact I hate opening the door every 2 minutes and handing out candy to kids that are generally impolite or feel I 'owe' them something for coming to my door. My wife thinks I'm a 'fuddy-duddy', but in all seriousness I count the hours until it's over.
There is a strong christian family that lives across from me, and this year they handed out candy and let their kids 'ToT'. My atheist neighbor who claims to be a very 'spiritual' person besides the fact she doesn't believe in God also was passing out candy.
My mother made a strange comment to me the other day which I just listened to and did not reply. I've been playing it over in my head since: "Maybe I was too hard on you as a kid for stopping you from participating in Halloween. I think I allowed certain Christian beliefs to go overboard in protecting you."
Now that she said that, it bothers me. It bothers me that my mother now thinks Halloween is okay from her spiritual side, that participating in handing out candy for 2-3 hours will not send me directly to hell. My conscious ebbs back and forth on my moms self-revelation. Sometimes I get mad that she robbed me of certain childhood memories in the name of 'faith', I also think she was 'right' at times. While I do not personally think that handing out candy will indeed send me to hell, I also recognize that the occult is indeed glorified on this day and does not sit well with me. Hence, I look forward to when the day comes and goes within a matter of hours.
I read from ChristianAnswers.net some articles regarding Harvest Festivals and Halloween and what should Christians should do. The authors equated that Harvest Festivals were just as bad as Halloween in a biblical sense, because it is a 'substitute' holiday meant to supplant one occultic day with something else to fill the void, and this is dangerous. In the end, even Harvest Festivals are made up of games, treats, etc...perhaps not with scary costumes, but to give children something to do in light of ToT and was sending mixed messages.
Personally, I can understand this point and even find myself agreeing with it. But what do 'I' do? My neighbors and wife continue to pass out candy. I sit outside because I am determined not to answer the door every minute, and I see some of the clever costumes. I even talk with some of the parents and wish them well and safety. I don't have the heart to deny children something they don't yet understand, but I can only pray. I sit in silence and quietly commune with God and Christ that I recognize this day is rife for spiritual attacks, and I pray for the kids, my neighbors, myself...that we don't take this day too seriously. That God knows my heart and the struggle within, and how do I set the correct example when I am not even sure how I genuinely feel myself.
The only non-confusing thing I do know, and I hope you realize I'm not trying to make a joke of it...is that my wife picked out all the Kit-Kat's just for me. Kit-Kat's are my favorite candy bar and now I have quite a few of them to enjoy.
I had a large cup of over-priced Starbucks this morning, and even that 20 oz IV drip of caffeine hasn't seemed to get me jump started today.
I glance at the clock and realize it's only lunch. A 200 calorie cup of instant Pad Thai noodles is my vice today, and while it sounded good at the store, it has left me grossly unsatisfied to say the least.
As was my dinner last night.
Shredded Trader Joe's BBQ chicken, nuked, and served over an open faced wheat hamburger bun. It was later than I would have liked, so I only ate one, but I told my wife it had no real taste anyway, so the thought and energy of making a second one never got off the ground.
Yesterday was Halloween.
I'm not sure what to make of this 'Holiday' anymore.
When I was a child, my parents took me trick or treating and it was a big thing. I was Steve Austin (the Bionic Man) once, Frankenstein, a ghost, and Tweety Bird amongst other characters.
Then one year when my parents got seriously religious I was scared into not celebrating Halloween any longer, lest I be giving homage to Satan and his minions. Instead, I was dropped off at a 'Harvest Festival' at my church at the time for cold pizza, some board games, and store bought treats.
I never really celebrated Harvest Festival again after that one year, nor did I partake in Halloween again until I was in college. And in college, it was more about an excuse to have throw back some beers and meet girls than it was about dressing up.
I remember that I was always leery about Halloween. Part of me enjoyed the idea of a party, a time to have fun, a time to have a few drinks and socialize....but the other part of me was indeed scared that I was not taking Christianity seriously, that perhaps Christ was frowning down upon me, that maybe, just maybe I was glorifying the evil one.
I have not worn a costume for about 15 years now, and I have no children to be faced whether I Trick or Treat or not.
Personally I dread Halloween, not necessarily for occultic overtones, but the sheer fact I hate opening the door every 2 minutes and handing out candy to kids that are generally impolite or feel I 'owe' them something for coming to my door. My wife thinks I'm a 'fuddy-duddy', but in all seriousness I count the hours until it's over.
There is a strong christian family that lives across from me, and this year they handed out candy and let their kids 'ToT'. My atheist neighbor who claims to be a very 'spiritual' person besides the fact she doesn't believe in God also was passing out candy.
My mother made a strange comment to me the other day which I just listened to and did not reply. I've been playing it over in my head since: "Maybe I was too hard on you as a kid for stopping you from participating in Halloween. I think I allowed certain Christian beliefs to go overboard in protecting you."
Now that she said that, it bothers me. It bothers me that my mother now thinks Halloween is okay from her spiritual side, that participating in handing out candy for 2-3 hours will not send me directly to hell. My conscious ebbs back and forth on my moms self-revelation. Sometimes I get mad that she robbed me of certain childhood memories in the name of 'faith', I also think she was 'right' at times. While I do not personally think that handing out candy will indeed send me to hell, I also recognize that the occult is indeed glorified on this day and does not sit well with me. Hence, I look forward to when the day comes and goes within a matter of hours.
I read from ChristianAnswers.net some articles regarding Harvest Festivals and Halloween and what should Christians should do. The authors equated that Harvest Festivals were just as bad as Halloween in a biblical sense, because it is a 'substitute' holiday meant to supplant one occultic day with something else to fill the void, and this is dangerous. In the end, even Harvest Festivals are made up of games, treats, etc...perhaps not with scary costumes, but to give children something to do in light of ToT and was sending mixed messages.
Personally, I can understand this point and even find myself agreeing with it. But what do 'I' do? My neighbors and wife continue to pass out candy. I sit outside because I am determined not to answer the door every minute, and I see some of the clever costumes. I even talk with some of the parents and wish them well and safety. I don't have the heart to deny children something they don't yet understand, but I can only pray. I sit in silence and quietly commune with God and Christ that I recognize this day is rife for spiritual attacks, and I pray for the kids, my neighbors, myself...that we don't take this day too seriously. That God knows my heart and the struggle within, and how do I set the correct example when I am not even sure how I genuinely feel myself.
The only non-confusing thing I do know, and I hope you realize I'm not trying to make a joke of it...is that my wife picked out all the Kit-Kat's just for me. Kit-Kat's are my favorite candy bar and now I have quite a few of them to enjoy.
October 25, 2007
Today is my Anniversary
4 years ago today my fiance and I stood before 150 people, most of them I did not know, and exchanged vows to become husband and wife.
When I was growing up, I always pictured my wedding day as a start to my new life. I could look forward to having a partner who loved me like no other and I could return that love unbridled. I looked for a partner whom I was sexually compatible with, that we could fulfill each others desires. I looked forward to having a child, perhaps even more, and one day maybe being a grandfather myself.
I pictured us being partners, 50-50, or as the old cliche states "For better or worse", and 'worse' never really entered my mind.
Last year on our third anniversary my wife chose to out with her girlfriends drinking after work which hurt me very deeply. Instead of celebrating our marriage, I was crying and she was indifferent towards me. That time frame was very troubling for me, and as I later found out very troubling for my wife.
We were at an impasse on who supported who and what marriage meant to each of us. Honestly, as much as I was hurt and disappointed with her decision that day, I can understand why she didn't want to be around me. It was during this time I had recently lost my job and I was indeed very depressed. I was on medication full tilt. Anything and almost everything would send me into a tailspin of despair and my wife didn't want to be around me lest I drag her down emotionally with me.
Where I thought she needed to be with me on our anniversary, I equated her love for me in direct conjunction with her obligatory presence. When she was not there, I thought this was a sign our marriage was over. Of course this fueled even more negative thoughts on my end. How could I go back and face these 150+ people, including our families, who celebrated our marriage just 3 years earlier and tell them it was a failure? On top of my tears and my meds, I figured I needed a little something extra that evening, so I turned to the bottle. Whisky....straight. It was during this time frame I really wondered what the heck did I ever see in this person I chose to marry? What did I see in myself? Was I destined to live a 'loveless' marriage, trapped by the contract I made with God at the altar? Did I really want to wake up the next morning, and every morning thereafter feeling this way? Where was that love? Can I please have it end right now?
How many more shots do I need this evening before the pain dissipates and numbs? How many more before I pass out?
A lot has changed in a year.
I rediscovered God and what being a Christian is like again. My wife and I are better...not perfect. We still argue at times, but not like we used to. We attended a couples class a few weeks back and discovered things about each other we were not 100% positive we knew about each other. My wife doesn't come to church with me, but I pray every week that our marriage grows stronger. I continually pray that God continues to work on my spirit, my issues, my health, and I also pray that He helps to change her heart not only towards me, but to God the Father, Himself. It's not always perfect, but Gods timing and reason are not my own.
Unfortunately this year my wife again will not be here for our 4th anniversary. This time I don't hold a grudge. She is away on business this time and calls me everyday. She asked what I have planned for us this Sunday when she returns. I don't have anything planned yet, but at least she's asking. I suppose that a good sign. And I suppose the fact I miss her is a good sign as well, though I'll be honest in saying my idea of marriage a few years ago in nothing like what I/we are experiencing between us now, and that does disappoint me on occasion.
I know that others have had a much tougher time with marriage with me, but I also know other who have it better, and I strive to be the latter, not the former. I'd like to think my wife feels the same way, and at times there are signs that is indeed the case, but not always.
Friends, please pray for me. Pray for my heart and that of my wife as well. That God can change both of us if we allow and desire Him to do so. Perhaps on our 5 year Anniversary, we will actually spend it together.
October 18, 2007
Wrestling with Moral Character and Judgements
I happened to come across this story today on CNN.com in regard to a former Playboy Playmate Susie Scott Krabacher and her work today as to saving orphans in the country of Haiti. I suppose one of the reasons this article made the news was to help rpomote her new book "Angels of a Lower Flight."
The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.
In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.
I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?
But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.
And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?
I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.
But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.
I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.
I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.
The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.
In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.
I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?
But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.
And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?
I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.
But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.
I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.
I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.
October 17, 2007
A lesson in Forgiveness
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." - (Matthew 6:14-15)
I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.
When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.
Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.
On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.
Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.
When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.
About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.
His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.
This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?
You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.
As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.
Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.
I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.
When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.
Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.
On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.
Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.
When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.
About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.
His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.
This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?
You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.
As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.
Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.
October 15, 2007
The Art of Submission - one viewpoint
Yesterday I received yet another powerful message that seemed to mimic my life from church yesterday. It was in regards to submission. I think most Christians, if polled on submissions, would most likely cite the verse in which "wives are to submit to their husbands", and I think most men would argree that there are inferences that men should subit to their wives in many manners as well.
But do we submit in all facets in our lives? Do we submit to our children when they need encouragment and love? Do we submit to our neighbors when they are shouldering burdens and they need to built up? Do we submit to our co-workers and even our boss for the 'right' reasons and not because we are more worried about keeping our jobs?
It was pointed out that Jesus has a radical way of teaching unkown to man as a concept before. Men of the world rule through selfish means. It is a jockeying of position of puttings ones own interests in front of others in order to climb to the tob. Power came through strength, war, manipulation. Leaders often led through 'might is right', or by instilling fear in their subjects and their enemies.
Christ turned this way of thinking on its head through the teaching of 'submission'. That we could become respected leaders if we submitted through humility, through grace, through love.
After my first shoulder surgery, I did not subit to the doctors or my wife's advice. As soon as I could, I returned to the gym, and began to push myself....to return to my old ways. To recapture the muscle I had lost and the imposing features I once had that were now turning soft. I did not submit God's course of healing, and the result was doing additional damage and requiring a second operation that I could have avoided.
When I was unemployed, I did not submit. I did not trust in God and Christ to take care of me, even though they were going to anyway. I was angry at the 'world', I was angry at my formal employers, I was angry the cliches, I was angry that people were no longer calling me. I fought back in my own way. It was my problem, and 'I' was going to fix it. I did not submit that maybe this was God's will and that he had something else in mind for me. It may not pay as much, but the stress was something I could shoulder and allow my broken spirit, my broken body, and my broken mind to repair itself.
In my marriage, I don't always submit. We are both headstrong in certain areas and I'll admit sometimes my wife's logic in manners are hers alone, something I may never understand, and thus has caused grief and strains on our relationship. Submission here is much trickier and is a constant ebb and flow when emotions, finances, spiritual attunement, step children, bad habits are involved. I have learned to submit overtime in certain areas, and try and dig-in in others. But knowing whether I am submitting in the right areas is not always easy, especially when I am immature in the Word.
And finally, I think just as hard as it is in learning submission in marriage (and I can go on and on about that), was learning submission in the face of depression. When I was first told to seek counseling I did not want to submit. I finally did, but for the wrong reasons....to get my wife off my back was the primary reason. When I saw a shrink and he told me I was bi-polar and thought I was ADHD, I did not want to submit either. The first thing I thought was 'no-way, not me...you're telling me my head is not right and crazy'. The first time I took medications to regulate my brain chemistry, it took a lot for me to submit. I recall staring in the mirror and looking for signs (as if it were possible) of depression as if it would apear as a scar or a bruise before I would unscrew the caps of my bottles and take my first pills.
Overall, I think the hardest part of submission was submission to God the Father himself. I had always been a fixer, a fixer of my own problems. And now, everything was out of control and I could never get a firm grip. The harder I tried, the more thing would slip between my fingers. My marriage was shakey, my body was broken, my anger towards people was at an all time high, I was unemployed, I wanted to drink, I wanted to know why the chemicals within my head were off kilter, I wanted people to shut up, and for everytime I cried, I sank deeper and deeper and deeper. I won't lie to you....personal death was creeping into my psyche as a plausible option. The though of eternal rest was soubnding better and better as each day passed.
I can't really say what exact hour God finally broke through to me. I had thought I was a Christian for many years prior, but my faith was really helping up until this point. I know I broke down in front of an elder at my church, and I allowed him to take me off to an unoccupied room where I let it all go. And boy did I. I unloaded. I spoke volumes. I described everything I was thinking, and to this mans credit, he did not flinch when certain raw emotions and language came out between the sobs. And when it was over, there I was, exhausted. No more energy to shed another tear. I was a 5'11", 220 lb ball of spent meat and I could care less.
Then he prayed for me.
And sometime during this I submitted. I submitted to God and to Jesus Christ. I realized and I admitted I could no longer fix myself. I sat there for quite awhile and began to re-collect myself. I can't say it has always been roses from that point on, but it was the definitive moment. If I allowed myself to sink any lower at this point, I sometimes wonder if I would seriously be here right now writing this. However, once I allowed God to take over I began to view life somewhat differently. That was 1 year ago this month.
A lot has changed this past year. Not all of it has been hunky dory, and there are indeed times I take a stumble and certain emotions creep back in. My wife and I still argue as married couples are apt to do. I still have the occasional run ins with peers at my 'new' job, but overall, things are indeed much better. And a lot of that has comes through by means of submission.
But do we submit in all facets in our lives? Do we submit to our children when they need encouragment and love? Do we submit to our neighbors when they are shouldering burdens and they need to built up? Do we submit to our co-workers and even our boss for the 'right' reasons and not because we are more worried about keeping our jobs?
It was pointed out that Jesus has a radical way of teaching unkown to man as a concept before. Men of the world rule through selfish means. It is a jockeying of position of puttings ones own interests in front of others in order to climb to the tob. Power came through strength, war, manipulation. Leaders often led through 'might is right', or by instilling fear in their subjects and their enemies.
Christ turned this way of thinking on its head through the teaching of 'submission'. That we could become respected leaders if we submitted through humility, through grace, through love.
After my first shoulder surgery, I did not subit to the doctors or my wife's advice. As soon as I could, I returned to the gym, and began to push myself....to return to my old ways. To recapture the muscle I had lost and the imposing features I once had that were now turning soft. I did not submit God's course of healing, and the result was doing additional damage and requiring a second operation that I could have avoided.
When I was unemployed, I did not submit. I did not trust in God and Christ to take care of me, even though they were going to anyway. I was angry at the 'world', I was angry at my formal employers, I was angry the cliches, I was angry that people were no longer calling me. I fought back in my own way. It was my problem, and 'I' was going to fix it. I did not submit that maybe this was God's will and that he had something else in mind for me. It may not pay as much, but the stress was something I could shoulder and allow my broken spirit, my broken body, and my broken mind to repair itself.
In my marriage, I don't always submit. We are both headstrong in certain areas and I'll admit sometimes my wife's logic in manners are hers alone, something I may never understand, and thus has caused grief and strains on our relationship. Submission here is much trickier and is a constant ebb and flow when emotions, finances, spiritual attunement, step children, bad habits are involved. I have learned to submit overtime in certain areas, and try and dig-in in others. But knowing whether I am submitting in the right areas is not always easy, especially when I am immature in the Word.
And finally, I think just as hard as it is in learning submission in marriage (and I can go on and on about that), was learning submission in the face of depression. When I was first told to seek counseling I did not want to submit. I finally did, but for the wrong reasons....to get my wife off my back was the primary reason. When I saw a shrink and he told me I was bi-polar and thought I was ADHD, I did not want to submit either. The first thing I thought was 'no-way, not me...you're telling me my head is not right and crazy'. The first time I took medications to regulate my brain chemistry, it took a lot for me to submit. I recall staring in the mirror and looking for signs (as if it were possible) of depression as if it would apear as a scar or a bruise before I would unscrew the caps of my bottles and take my first pills.
Overall, I think the hardest part of submission was submission to God the Father himself. I had always been a fixer, a fixer of my own problems. And now, everything was out of control and I could never get a firm grip. The harder I tried, the more thing would slip between my fingers. My marriage was shakey, my body was broken, my anger towards people was at an all time high, I was unemployed, I wanted to drink, I wanted to know why the chemicals within my head were off kilter, I wanted people to shut up, and for everytime I cried, I sank deeper and deeper and deeper. I won't lie to you....personal death was creeping into my psyche as a plausible option. The though of eternal rest was soubnding better and better as each day passed.
I can't really say what exact hour God finally broke through to me. I had thought I was a Christian for many years prior, but my faith was really helping up until this point. I know I broke down in front of an elder at my church, and I allowed him to take me off to an unoccupied room where I let it all go. And boy did I. I unloaded. I spoke volumes. I described everything I was thinking, and to this mans credit, he did not flinch when certain raw emotions and language came out between the sobs. And when it was over, there I was, exhausted. No more energy to shed another tear. I was a 5'11", 220 lb ball of spent meat and I could care less.
Then he prayed for me.
And sometime during this I submitted. I submitted to God and to Jesus Christ. I realized and I admitted I could no longer fix myself. I sat there for quite awhile and began to re-collect myself. I can't say it has always been roses from that point on, but it was the definitive moment. If I allowed myself to sink any lower at this point, I sometimes wonder if I would seriously be here right now writing this. However, once I allowed God to take over I began to view life somewhat differently. That was 1 year ago this month.
A lot has changed this past year. Not all of it has been hunky dory, and there are indeed times I take a stumble and certain emotions creep back in. My wife and I still argue as married couples are apt to do. I still have the occasional run ins with peers at my 'new' job, but overall, things are indeed much better. And a lot of that has comes through by means of submission.
October 10, 2007
God makes a covenant with animals
"And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them lie down safely" (Hosea 2:18)
I'm not really positive on all the interpretations man has come up with in regards to animals in the bible, and more specifically animals in heaven. I suppose the bible was meant for us, as the guidebook for humans and our salvation and not really a book regarding the summation of His other creations such as animals. There aren't too many verses in the bible that talk about animals in too much detail, however, there is indeed mention of animals present in heaven both today and in the end times.
But will these be our beloved pets?
I don't know, and it saddens me to a certain extent that it isn't that clear for us as far as the bible contends. Over the years, I have asked others, both practicing believers and not and I'd say all the answers depending on where you stand in your faith seem to be pretty evenly divided.
Yesterday I spoke of death, and how terrified I am of it. I guess I'm scarred that even though I believe I am 'saved', I also sometimes question my own faith, especially when I am depressed and sad, and I truly wonder if I will indeed make it into heaven. Many people of faith say that as long as you accept Christ, and you mean it, that you are indeed saved. Perhaps in my mind (and therefor my hesitancy on faith and in man) I still think this is 'too good to be true'. I keep being told about God's grace, His mercy, His love, His promise to us.....
But all I think of at times is that I am not worthy, I am a sinner, I am wretched, there are others more deserving, more faithful, more loving, more 'righteous'.
Then I think about animals. Do they have a soul? Any owner of a dog or a cat will say 'Yes!'...I know I do. But where does God draw, if any, the line? Do insects have souls? Do fish? Do reptiles?
I don't know, nor do I think anyone does for sure.
My dog, is the love of my life. Dare I say sometimes more so than my best friends? Sometimes my wife? I feel guilty at times because of this. But I really do know the experience of unconditional love, and I so want to believe this is just a taste of God's love for each one of us. If so, then I hope and pray and desire He extends this same love to all his creations, including my dog.
My dog is my little boy. Last year when I was at my worst. When I was popping pills left and right, and looking at the bottle of booze, and wanting to run away from life, my marriage, my day to day routines, it was my dog who kept me level headed and stopped me from hitting rock bottom. God also intervened, but it was my dog who looked at me everyday and loved me no matter what state of mind I was (and occasionally still experience) in.
I've been a small roller coaster this last week or so. I've only had one Clonapen a week back when I was upset with my wife, and like I said, the thought of death has been permeating my mind as of late.
This morning I was reminded again how precious life can be at times, well at least for our pets. My little man was so excited to see me this morning, and sat on my lap as I had a cup of coffee, and wanted to play with me. And he was sad when I left for work. He was sad enough that it made me wish I could call in sick today and spend the day with him, to let him know how much he means to me.
And then I know one day he will be gone, and that I will be devastated. But I want to give him everything that I can and make sure he is healthy and loved and cared for. He gives me purpose at times, and it is my way of repayment to him. Some of you may think I'm off my rocker....that I'm putting my dog before my friends and my family. Well, sadly this probably is indeed the case at times. Like I said yesterday...I have no children of my own, no brothers or sisters, and my wife and I are still figuring out 'our' love for each other. There is no question when it comes to my dog. Lord knows, I hope I have plenty of pills that day...the day when he passes on.
I hope that God does have a special place for pets and animals. In dog and cat families you hear of the 'rainbow bridge', where pets play all day long and they are healthy, and cared for under Christs pleasing eyes. I hope so. For while in my book people are a lost cause, our family pets are not, and I look forward to that day when I am reunited with him in heaven if God so allows.
I'm not really positive on all the interpretations man has come up with in regards to animals in the bible, and more specifically animals in heaven. I suppose the bible was meant for us, as the guidebook for humans and our salvation and not really a book regarding the summation of His other creations such as animals. There aren't too many verses in the bible that talk about animals in too much detail, however, there is indeed mention of animals present in heaven both today and in the end times.
But will these be our beloved pets?
I don't know, and it saddens me to a certain extent that it isn't that clear for us as far as the bible contends. Over the years, I have asked others, both practicing believers and not and I'd say all the answers depending on where you stand in your faith seem to be pretty evenly divided.
Yesterday I spoke of death, and how terrified I am of it. I guess I'm scarred that even though I believe I am 'saved', I also sometimes question my own faith, especially when I am depressed and sad, and I truly wonder if I will indeed make it into heaven. Many people of faith say that as long as you accept Christ, and you mean it, that you are indeed saved. Perhaps in my mind (and therefor my hesitancy on faith and in man) I still think this is 'too good to be true'. I keep being told about God's grace, His mercy, His love, His promise to us.....
But all I think of at times is that I am not worthy, I am a sinner, I am wretched, there are others more deserving, more faithful, more loving, more 'righteous'.
Then I think about animals. Do they have a soul? Any owner of a dog or a cat will say 'Yes!'...I know I do. But where does God draw, if any, the line? Do insects have souls? Do fish? Do reptiles?
I don't know, nor do I think anyone does for sure.
My dog, is the love of my life. Dare I say sometimes more so than my best friends? Sometimes my wife? I feel guilty at times because of this. But I really do know the experience of unconditional love, and I so want to believe this is just a taste of God's love for each one of us. If so, then I hope and pray and desire He extends this same love to all his creations, including my dog.
My dog is my little boy. Last year when I was at my worst. When I was popping pills left and right, and looking at the bottle of booze, and wanting to run away from life, my marriage, my day to day routines, it was my dog who kept me level headed and stopped me from hitting rock bottom. God also intervened, but it was my dog who looked at me everyday and loved me no matter what state of mind I was (and occasionally still experience) in.
I've been a small roller coaster this last week or so. I've only had one Clonapen a week back when I was upset with my wife, and like I said, the thought of death has been permeating my mind as of late.
This morning I was reminded again how precious life can be at times, well at least for our pets. My little man was so excited to see me this morning, and sat on my lap as I had a cup of coffee, and wanted to play with me. And he was sad when I left for work. He was sad enough that it made me wish I could call in sick today and spend the day with him, to let him know how much he means to me.
And then I know one day he will be gone, and that I will be devastated. But I want to give him everything that I can and make sure he is healthy and loved and cared for. He gives me purpose at times, and it is my way of repayment to him. Some of you may think I'm off my rocker....that I'm putting my dog before my friends and my family. Well, sadly this probably is indeed the case at times. Like I said yesterday...I have no children of my own, no brothers or sisters, and my wife and I are still figuring out 'our' love for each other. There is no question when it comes to my dog. Lord knows, I hope I have plenty of pills that day...the day when he passes on.
I hope that God does have a special place for pets and animals. In dog and cat families you hear of the 'rainbow bridge', where pets play all day long and they are healthy, and cared for under Christs pleasing eyes. I hope so. For while in my book people are a lost cause, our family pets are not, and I look forward to that day when I am reunited with him in heaven if God so allows.
October 09, 2007
A step forward
It is interesting, (at least to me), what a difference a week can make or some effort on one partner's behalf to put some hope back into things.
Last week, I was a bit frustrated with my wife, and I can only guess she was a little frustrated with me. We are both headstrong people, who feel 'right' in the moment. However, as time passes and cooler heads prevail, I often find myself the one who can admit his own faults and try to correct them for the better. Sometimes I really mean it, other times, not so much, but I try and look at the big picture. And if the big picture requires me to eat a little crow once in a while, so be it. I learned through many years of self-induced anguish, that being 'right' isn't always so important.
A lesson my wife still needs to learn in my opinion.
So last Friday we went to a 'couples' class sponsered by a local church to speak about communication issues. It wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for or what I expected, but it did help. Sometimes I wonder why my wife is more responsive to a third party pointing something out to her than when I point out the exact same thing. When I do it, I am being accusatory or nit-picky, or whatever. When someone else does it, it is 'somewhat' recognized and digested by her. But I suppose it's better she realizes it from someone, if at least its not going to be me.
The course/discussion was 2 hours long, and raised some interesting questions that even after 4 years of marriage, I think we both realized we didn't reallyy know the true answers. Such as: 1) What are your dreams? 2) What is 'your' history? and a few others. I guess we had some slight ideas, maybe a very broad picture, but never really knew what each others dreams, hobbies, history truly was.
After the course we had a late dinner, and it was very nice. It was like when we were dating. We actually spoke about things and I at least vowed internally to put some of the courses ideas into action. How long I can perpetuate these ideas into actions, and if my wife will do the same....time can only tell. But Friday night was a 'good' night.
Saturday we got along fine, but did our own chores about the house, and she went out to a girls birthday party that evening. I hung out with the neighbors, but was in relatively early and enjoyed some alone time in front of the TV with my dog.
Sunday I decided I would 'test' some of the points made in class. I decided to take my wife out shopping and in the car I asked her about her dreams and hobbies. While I did know some of the answers, I suppose I was surprised by a few others and asked why she didn't do some of the thinsg she wanted, and what could I do to see that a few of them could be met. I just listened and I made suggestions, very conscious of staying neutral. All in all, it went very well, and I conceded to a few of her points and will make some changes shortly...and I'm actually okay with them.
In the end she seemed happier, and I too admit I was a bit happier. And best of all, at least for the last few days, she has been very civil and generous to me in return. I hope it lasts. I continue to pray to that she will become closer to God and maybe attend church with me more often. Not only for her sake, but mine as well. Even though things seem like they may be getting better in my marriage, my faith at times and my own self doubts still silenty shake me to my core.
I really am bad when I am alone for too long. Despite all the recent progress, other thoughts plague me and secretely depress me. I've been thinking about death a lot again lately. Not just my own, but that of my wife, and my parents, and grandparents....and I truly question if I will see them in heaven let alone myself in heaven some day. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to impede my faith and growth with God, but I secretly am terrified.
Sometimes I pray that the Lord will take me before my wife. I don't think I'd fare very well with that type of loneliness later on. I have a step-daughter, who doesn't live with us anylonger, and while I know my step-daughter may 'like' me, I know I can never achieve the same sort of affectiosn she gives her natural father. At times I cannot help but feel she looks to me as if I am just some grown up baby sitter. I fear that if my wife passes before me, my step-daughter will drift away soon never to contact or check up on me. With no brothers or sisters or children of my own, I see myself dying alone in a home were only the neighbors or a bill collector discovers me from either the smell or the some other sign that something is askew.
Last week, I was a bit frustrated with my wife, and I can only guess she was a little frustrated with me. We are both headstrong people, who feel 'right' in the moment. However, as time passes and cooler heads prevail, I often find myself the one who can admit his own faults and try to correct them for the better. Sometimes I really mean it, other times, not so much, but I try and look at the big picture. And if the big picture requires me to eat a little crow once in a while, so be it. I learned through many years of self-induced anguish, that being 'right' isn't always so important.
A lesson my wife still needs to learn in my opinion.
So last Friday we went to a 'couples' class sponsered by a local church to speak about communication issues. It wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for or what I expected, but it did help. Sometimes I wonder why my wife is more responsive to a third party pointing something out to her than when I point out the exact same thing. When I do it, I am being accusatory or nit-picky, or whatever. When someone else does it, it is 'somewhat' recognized and digested by her. But I suppose it's better she realizes it from someone, if at least its not going to be me.
The course/discussion was 2 hours long, and raised some interesting questions that even after 4 years of marriage, I think we both realized we didn't reallyy know the true answers. Such as: 1) What are your dreams? 2) What is 'your' history? and a few others. I guess we had some slight ideas, maybe a very broad picture, but never really knew what each others dreams, hobbies, history truly was.
After the course we had a late dinner, and it was very nice. It was like when we were dating. We actually spoke about things and I at least vowed internally to put some of the courses ideas into action. How long I can perpetuate these ideas into actions, and if my wife will do the same....time can only tell. But Friday night was a 'good' night.
Saturday we got along fine, but did our own chores about the house, and she went out to a girls birthday party that evening. I hung out with the neighbors, but was in relatively early and enjoyed some alone time in front of the TV with my dog.
Sunday I decided I would 'test' some of the points made in class. I decided to take my wife out shopping and in the car I asked her about her dreams and hobbies. While I did know some of the answers, I suppose I was surprised by a few others and asked why she didn't do some of the thinsg she wanted, and what could I do to see that a few of them could be met. I just listened and I made suggestions, very conscious of staying neutral. All in all, it went very well, and I conceded to a few of her points and will make some changes shortly...and I'm actually okay with them.
In the end she seemed happier, and I too admit I was a bit happier. And best of all, at least for the last few days, she has been very civil and generous to me in return. I hope it lasts. I continue to pray to that she will become closer to God and maybe attend church with me more often. Not only for her sake, but mine as well. Even though things seem like they may be getting better in my marriage, my faith at times and my own self doubts still silenty shake me to my core.
I really am bad when I am alone for too long. Despite all the recent progress, other thoughts plague me and secretely depress me. I've been thinking about death a lot again lately. Not just my own, but that of my wife, and my parents, and grandparents....and I truly question if I will see them in heaven let alone myself in heaven some day. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to impede my faith and growth with God, but I secretly am terrified.
Sometimes I pray that the Lord will take me before my wife. I don't think I'd fare very well with that type of loneliness later on. I have a step-daughter, who doesn't live with us anylonger, and while I know my step-daughter may 'like' me, I know I can never achieve the same sort of affectiosn she gives her natural father. At times I cannot help but feel she looks to me as if I am just some grown up baby sitter. I fear that if my wife passes before me, my step-daughter will drift away soon never to contact or check up on me. With no brothers or sisters or children of my own, I see myself dying alone in a home were only the neighbors or a bill collector discovers me from either the smell or the some other sign that something is askew.
I know that sounds horribly morbid, but I really can't control my thoughts and wonder why they plague me. Why do these thoughts take hold within my head and drive me to tears at times? I seriously think there is something wrong with me at times, as I can't help shake feeling so alone despite my current family and friends. Some one say enjoy everyday, every moment now, but I can't help but be realistic in knowing that someday these things will be removed from my life without my say and I am terrified of that day getting closer and closer with every hour that passes on the clock.
October 04, 2007
A step back
"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you." (Galations 4: 8 -11)
It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.
It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.
There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.
And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?
The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.
My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.
Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.
I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.
We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.
It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.
It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.
There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.
And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?
The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.
My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.
Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.
I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.
We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.
October 03, 2007
Ever seem like you can't win?
Today seemed like it started okay, but then my wife and I had a small 'episode' this morning at 7:45.
See, I get the mail every day and usually place the mail in one of two places: either the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. I take my bills out and pay them, she takes her bills out and pays hers.
This morning she opened one of the utility bills and noticed it was twice the normal amount and asked me why. I took a look and noticed that last months wasn't paid, hence the "past amount due" for 1/2 the price.
Before I knew it, it was my fault it didn't get paid. Why you ask? Because she never saw the bill from last month. I was then told I never put the mail in the same place. She was infuriated, made her faces, turned her back on me, walked away and slammed the door.
I just stood there for a second. Excuse my language, but what the H-E- double hockey sticks just happened? Why am I the bad guy to be on the receiving end of her ill attitude and apparant disgust and anger because the bill wasn't paid on time?
I got in my car and began to drive to work, but I didn't make it more than 2 blocks before I picked up my cell phone an called home. She picked up.
"Yes?" she answered.....great, one word....I can see this is going to be fun.
"What was that all about? Why is this my fault? Why are you angry?" I inquired, feeling my own temper beginning to escalate.
"I'm not angry."
"You could have fooled me. You shook your at me, turned your back on me and walked away and slammed the door as I was talking."
"You misread me?"
"Huh? How could I have misread that? Then what is the matter?"
"You never put the mail in the same place."
"What? I pick up the mail and I either put in on the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. What. Do you think I select which bills I decide to show you and which one I don't. Do you think I secret away bills to the bathroom, the bedroom, and segregate them in to piles I randomly place about the house?"
"I didn't say that."
"No, but explain to me why I just received that treatment? If you pay the bill every month, and you notice you don't pay one for a while, did you think that maybe the utility company decided to give us a freebie? Did it occur to you maybe the bill got lost? Maybe either you or I accidently threw it away? The service hasn't been turned off....What's the difference if you paid it last month on time, or double now?...it's the same amount."...I was on roll now and feeling my anger mounting. You're going to complain to me about a bill that's late that amounts to $100? I thought. Here, you can take the $2500 mortgage payment I make every month.
She was silent a second and then re-iterated she wasn't mad at me. Yeah...right...okay....because you always come out in your bathrobe in the garage, quiz me on a bill, shake your head, stomp away, and slam the door without saying good-bye.
I don't know why, but right now I am angry. I'm angry that she got angry with me, from what my perspective is totally ludicrous, uncalled for, and illogical.
Lord, why do I allow these things to get under my skin, especially between myself and my wife. I need to pray to shake the small stuff, to let go, to find peace in this....but right now I can't. I need to forgive her and I need forgiveness as well. It was a simple oversight; the whole matter easily rectified and can be taken care of. Why was I a target this morning? Why did I feel the need to bite back? Why am I letting this fester in my mind? Jesus, please take this from me.
See, I get the mail every day and usually place the mail in one of two places: either the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. I take my bills out and pay them, she takes her bills out and pays hers.
This morning she opened one of the utility bills and noticed it was twice the normal amount and asked me why. I took a look and noticed that last months wasn't paid, hence the "past amount due" for 1/2 the price.
Before I knew it, it was my fault it didn't get paid. Why you ask? Because she never saw the bill from last month. I was then told I never put the mail in the same place. She was infuriated, made her faces, turned her back on me, walked away and slammed the door.
I just stood there for a second. Excuse my language, but what the H-E- double hockey sticks just happened? Why am I the bad guy to be on the receiving end of her ill attitude and apparant disgust and anger because the bill wasn't paid on time?
I got in my car and began to drive to work, but I didn't make it more than 2 blocks before I picked up my cell phone an called home. She picked up.
"Yes?" she answered.....great, one word....I can see this is going to be fun.
"What was that all about? Why is this my fault? Why are you angry?" I inquired, feeling my own temper beginning to escalate.
"I'm not angry."
"You could have fooled me. You shook your at me, turned your back on me and walked away and slammed the door as I was talking."
"You misread me?"
"Huh? How could I have misread that? Then what is the matter?"
"You never put the mail in the same place."
"What? I pick up the mail and I either put in on the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. What. Do you think I select which bills I decide to show you and which one I don't. Do you think I secret away bills to the bathroom, the bedroom, and segregate them in to piles I randomly place about the house?"
"I didn't say that."
"No, but explain to me why I just received that treatment? If you pay the bill every month, and you notice you don't pay one for a while, did you think that maybe the utility company decided to give us a freebie? Did it occur to you maybe the bill got lost? Maybe either you or I accidently threw it away? The service hasn't been turned off....What's the difference if you paid it last month on time, or double now?...it's the same amount."...I was on roll now and feeling my anger mounting. You're going to complain to me about a bill that's late that amounts to $100? I thought. Here, you can take the $2500 mortgage payment I make every month.
She was silent a second and then re-iterated she wasn't mad at me. Yeah...right...okay....because you always come out in your bathrobe in the garage, quiz me on a bill, shake your head, stomp away, and slam the door without saying good-bye.
I don't know why, but right now I am angry. I'm angry that she got angry with me, from what my perspective is totally ludicrous, uncalled for, and illogical.
Lord, why do I allow these things to get under my skin, especially between myself and my wife. I need to pray to shake the small stuff, to let go, to find peace in this....but right now I can't. I need to forgive her and I need forgiveness as well. It was a simple oversight; the whole matter easily rectified and can be taken care of. Why was I a target this morning? Why did I feel the need to bite back? Why am I letting this fester in my mind? Jesus, please take this from me.
September 25, 2007
Depression - Filling the Meds (Part 8)
Note: This post is looong overdue. It is a continuation of of a series of posts I want to share with you all in hopes that I not only help myself, but help someone else out there as well who may be going through the same things I did and occasionally still do. I'm not sure if depression in curable. Sometimes I equate it in my mind with cancer....as if it is always there just under the surface...perhaps currently in remission by both medication and God's grace, but the knowledge it may rear its ugly head again scares me.
So here I was standing at the pharmacy counter of my local CVS. Just the day before I had seen a 'shrink' and came home to my wife and explained to her that in not so many words that he would like to put me on Lexapro and Clonapen. There was still a portion of me that was in denial and disbelief. Again, when I look in the mirror, I see a pretty well fit and athletic guy....a guy who used to have a lot of friends and was considered the 'life' of the party. A decent looking guy that before he was married had no problem dating. But here I was...feeling alone, and tense, and unhappy, and nervous, and most of all ashamed of myself.
Ashamed of what, I cannot fully describe or put into exact words. Here I was, again, with a slip of paper with some scribble on it....a tangible reminder staring back at me and telling me I was a failure. I hated being married right then and there. I loathed trudging back into work and dealing with people I believed to be a hinderance and a contsant annoyance to me. I was empty spiritually, though deep down there was a gnawing at my heart...perhaps I was hungry a relationship with Him and just didn't know it yet. Heck...I was going going to church...but more out of obligation and guilt than I was getting fed....but at the time I didn't really care. While I though the notion of God abandoning me was 'not right', I did feel I was on perpetual 'hold' with Him.
When the young pharmacist took my slip and acknowledged me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was looking at me with judging eyes. Perhaps she too thought I was a loser, and she'd treat me with kid gloves. I had a hard time making eye-contact with her as I felt I just wanted to get out of there. Finally she took my information and told me to come back later, after work, for my pick-up. Great, just great....now I have to think about this all day, and return in a walk of shame to come and pick up my 'happy pills'.
Work that day just seemed like any typical day....going through the motions....checking the clock every so often. Why are people so stupid, I thought. Here I sit putting on a happy face, while deep down inside I wanted zero interaction with anyone.
All this time I thought I was doing a decent job of hiding my moods, but apprantly I wasn't fooling anybody except myself. In time I would learn that many of my coworkers, while they still liked me....did indeed think I had changed...that I looked more weary and tired.
That evening I picked up by vials of pills and came home. Thankfully my wife wasn't home, and I took my first Lexapro in silence. I knew nothing was going to happen right away. I am smart enough to know it was going to take a few days for my body to regulate and start adjusting to the synthetic chemicals in my body and trick my brain into who-knows-what.
I tried to hide the bottles that night. I didn't want my wife to see these obvious orange containers as a reminder that her husband who is strong on the outside is weak in the inside, ready to crack at a moments notice. Little good it did me as for when she got home that evening, the first thing she quizzed me on is if I picked up my 'medicine'. Oh, is that what we are calling it? My 'medicine'? Heck, I don't know what I wanted it called....I basically didn't want to talk about it at all. It would be my little secret, not to be shared with family, friends, church, co-workers, neighbors....anyone. Just my wife and my shrink.
To be continued.....
September 18, 2007
Make a Joyful Noise...or at least listen to them.
"Even an angel can end up fallingDon't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites
Well, they said it was time for changing
Rise and shine
Everybody's making it, but you
And they told you to trust your dreaming
But it's hard to believe a feeling
That you just don't know
Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites
You've been trying to walk on water
In the end everybody
Walked all over you
Now, you don't like the sight of mirrors
Cause you're scared that the face
You'll see, will look just like before"
- excerpts from 'Satellites', by September.
Let me first say, in case you are wondering (and I suspect a few of you are), that the angels in this song are not referring to heavenly/spiritual angels of God, but to people we think are super special here on earth, and come to find out, they have issues just like everyone else does, because they are in fact human.
Now that that is out of the way, I wanted to share this song with you. If you ever get a chance to hear it, please try to, a few times. One time listen to the lyrics (I didn't post them all here), then the next, listen to the 'music'...that's right, listen to the melody and the beat and the synthesizers. It's actually an upbeat tune...it should be...it's on the European and American dance charts.
So why did I post this song? Well, I suppose number one, I cannot get it out of my head the last few days, and maybe the only reason for that is that I am 'meant' to share it. I dunno. I also think because the lyrics speak so much to me...."Don't you cry, because you're crawling, Start again, it's a beautiful morning" How cliche, but how true indeed!!
When I was going through my depression, my mother bought me a gospel CD. She believed that the words and music, even if I wasn't really paying attention, would help me on a subconscious level to lift my spirits. I'm not so sure about that, but I can't deny the idea or logic behind it.
I do know that music does indeed have an effect on me.
When I was into weightlifting before my surgeries, certain genres of music or certain songs really got my adrenaline pumping. I swear I could lift an extra 10 lbs, or I had an extra set in me if I was listening to something with a lot of energy.
Certain songs also made me feel invincible. Who can deny the Rocky Theme when about to undergo some physical test? Or maybe "I can't drive 55" when getting behind the wheel of a fast car. The Superman Theme and the Imperial March (from Star Wars) always made me feel a few inches taller and my stride much more solid.
The same is for depression and happiness. I'm happy to say, for the most part, I have been more at peace with life in general the last few weeks than I had been before for years. Sure, there are those few news stories and topical incidents that can put a minor damper on things, and I'm not around skipping or throwing daisies in the air...but I do feel better overall.
I'm sure that God has much to do with this, but if it isn't spiritual, then I know the immediate effects of music.
One of the reason's 'Satellites' resonates with me so much now is that I sit in my car, twice a day, in traffic for about 30 minutes each way, to and from work. During that time I figure I'm enclosed in my little glass and steel shell, and what better way than to surround myself with upbeat and energetic music? One nice thing about my car is that I have an 8 speaker system (including 2, 10" sub woofers) I listen to XM radio, specifically the BPM channel...dance music 24x7. I crank my stereo up, and before you know it I am in my own Flash Dance session!.
I am surrounded by beats and thumps and strong vocal. The energy pours out of my speakers, and my soul is like a sponge and I try and gather each drop. When I get out of my car I feel a few years younger. I feel like I can lift those weights again! I feel 'okay' with the world and those within it. And I thank God above for these artists talents, and the ears that I am given to hear them. I thank God for the serotonin released within my head.
Go ahead....Try it....Let loose just once....who cares what the others driving next to you think. For those few minutes, you are at the concert of your choice, and it's just you. Turn it up...Sing...Make a joyful noise in His honor. Let the music penetrate your every pore and feel good about it for a few minutes.
September 11, 2007
Forgiveness...Is it possible amongst men?
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (NLT, Matthew 6:14-15)
Today is 9/11 and I'm sure like most Americans and others across the globe, this day is a significant day in social history. Over 3000 people died this day six years ago in an event that unfortunately plays itself over and over almost more often than one would think in other countries and in other times past that don't always make the news. And just as unfortunately, it usually revolves around religious ideologies.
When I awoke this morning my mind was dueling with my heart regarding the forgiveness of fellow our fellow man. I have learned to forgive over the years, but I haven't mastered the concept...whether in dealing with others or even myself.
I've been angry at myself many times in the past for situations I have put myself in, or made foolish decisions about, ending up hurting someone I cared for, myself, or my walk with God. I haven't always forgiven everybody because of stubborness, or just the fact I don't want to thnk about those things anymore.
September 11, 2001. Six years later I still get angry. Angry at certain cultures. Angry at certain relisions, ideologies, mindsets and to be honest...sometimes I wish God's wrath would be strong today as it was in the old testament, but then I remind myself that I too am a sinner...daily in fact....and that wrath is just as equally justified against me than it is other heinous men and their actions.
Yet Christ has the power and the gift to forgive.....
...And I struggle to do the same....
...and I fail.
I had been thinking about this concept of forgiveness today in regards to my ownself and how I feel about people, and maybe I was getting closer to an understanding...and then a news story totally unrelated to 9/11 shattered that concept.
Stories: Tobey the Dog part 1 & Tobey the Dog part 2
The gist of the story is this: 3 teen boys, ages 12, 14 & 16 stole a neighbors young small dog...and tortured it to death. They took turns throwing the dog out of a two story window until the dogs legs were broken. At that point they hung it from a tree, beat it like a pinata, until the dog was decapiated. Arresting officers say the boys have shown no remorse.
I read this story in horror and the following thoughts and emotions came to me:
- Deep sadness and empathy for the little girl whose dog was stolen and killed. Can you imagine the scars she will now carry the rest of her life?
- Empathy for God's creation in Tobey, the dog... I cannot fathom the cruelty placed upon him, his being scared as to why this was happening, where his owner was, and when would it end? Did Christ feel this way when he was being dragged to his crucifixition? I imagine so, but 100 times more!
- What was wrong with these boys? What would prompt them? No feelings of remorse? What chance do these three have in society as they grow up?
- My own anger! I'm honest in saying this is why I say I loathe people! I want to take each boy and inflict a measure of my own carnal justice.
- Forgiveness. How can I? Can I forgive them as easily as Christ can knowing the stae of their hearts. Through his mercy and grace can he forgive these boys. While I am commanded by Christ to love my neighbor and my enemy, I feel I have yet failed again. My anger burns hard and deep right now. My heart both cries in pain and turns to stone again at the thought of my fellow man.
How can I forgive? It is so easily said and commanded by our savior, yet it seems my own capacity diminshes with each passing day.
All I can do is pray for this young girl and her family and trust the Lord gives her peace. I also pray that these boys someday will indeed feel remorse and ask for forgiveness and that Christ will grant it to them. I also pray for myself for my mind is clearly in control when I think of this, and forgiveness is so far from my being right now....
September 07, 2007
Neighborhood Drama - Part II
Sorry it's been a few days since the last post. I tweaked my back and have been in a bit of pain, nothing a little rest and aspirin haven't fixed. The problem with breaking up a post like this from the last is that when a few days past, my mood changes slightly and the overall train of thought and tone tends to change.
I can say, I'm proud of my wife. She has remained pretty strong the last few days and hasn't gone back to the neighbor to try and work things out, which I think for the time being is a wise move.
I'm a little surprised (or maybe I'm not) that the offending neighbor hasn't tried to call my wife to apologize either. Tonight my wife will be going out with some of her more mature girlfriends from work to celebrate a birthday among the group, which I'm happy for. She won't be around tonight to hang out with the neighborhood crowd.
I did catch her talking to one neighbor on the phone though earlier this week who confided in my wife that she also felt something was awry on that 'end' of the block. I had mixed feelings about that call. On one hand I told my wife that she really lets to need this drop right now and not get sucked into anything, saying something she may regret later. On the other hand the caller was more 'proof' to me, and my wife for that matter, that there is 'evil' (for lack of a better word) afoot and as Christians we must vigilant and pray. Pray for our emotional protection, pray for our ethical and moral dilemmas, and pray that non-believers see the folly of denial of a higher power and that a softening of the heart takes place.
Saturday night I'll be taking my wife out, which has a secondary beneficial effect of once again seperating her from bad influence on the street. The big test will come next Monday when she is supposed to go bowling and may find herself in an awkward position of having to re-visit what happened last week with the woman who gave her a hard time. I'm not sure who's more scared, my wife or myself.
I can say, I'm proud of my wife. She has remained pretty strong the last few days and hasn't gone back to the neighbor to try and work things out, which I think for the time being is a wise move.
I'm a little surprised (or maybe I'm not) that the offending neighbor hasn't tried to call my wife to apologize either. Tonight my wife will be going out with some of her more mature girlfriends from work to celebrate a birthday among the group, which I'm happy for. She won't be around tonight to hang out with the neighborhood crowd.
I did catch her talking to one neighbor on the phone though earlier this week who confided in my wife that she also felt something was awry on that 'end' of the block. I had mixed feelings about that call. On one hand I told my wife that she really lets to need this drop right now and not get sucked into anything, saying something she may regret later. On the other hand the caller was more 'proof' to me, and my wife for that matter, that there is 'evil' (for lack of a better word) afoot and as Christians we must vigilant and pray. Pray for our emotional protection, pray for our ethical and moral dilemmas, and pray that non-believers see the folly of denial of a higher power and that a softening of the heart takes place.
Saturday night I'll be taking my wife out, which has a secondary beneficial effect of once again seperating her from bad influence on the street. The big test will come next Monday when she is supposed to go bowling and may find herself in an awkward position of having to re-visit what happened last week with the woman who gave her a hard time. I'm not sure who's more scared, my wife or myself.
September 05, 2007
Neighborhood Drama - Part I
I really don't often get the chance to minister or evangelize to my wife, nor am I sure I am mature enough in Christ to find the exact words, or qualified to be handing out sage advice knowing my past troubles, insecurities, and without looking like a hypocrite.
That's one thing that has been a self-stumbling block of mine for years and it oxymoronic when I think about it. My own pride and whats left of my ego prevents me from standing out in a crowd in fear of being labeled a hypocrite, for I am quite aware of my short comings. I'm probably more conscious of my faults than anyone else and self-judgemental, and I always have this inner dialogue reprimanding myself "Who is going to listen to you...when you yourself are so unworthy and are a sinner?"
That's something I will have to work out on my own I suppose...in time.
Anyway, my wife came in from the neighborhood BBQ, a little tipsy, but in tears. It was late, and I had already removed myself from the party a few hours earlier, just looking for a nice hot shower and some sound sleep. Instead, I found I got very little sleep at all.
God does indeed work in mysterious ways, and just now as I write this do I realize that once again, it is in His timing, not mine.
There is an individual on my street that is a self proclaimed atheist. Even before I knew she was, I told my wife once when she asked what my issue was with her (because I guess she sensed my overly cautious stance with the neighbor), I simply said that my 'spider-sense' was tingling...that I could not put my finger on it, but be careful. "You can be be friends with her, but guard your words." My wife thought I was a little too protective and had no basis for my feelings. Then we found out she was a very adamant and outspoken (usually under the right circumstances....alcohol involved) atheist.
So my wife walks into our bedroom at about midnight in tears. I ask what is wrong, but I can tell alcohol is involved as my wife speech was slightly off. She went on to explain she had a falling out with the neighbor this evening, and that the neighbor had made some very unfounded, unfair, and harsh generalizations about my wife's friendship with her, our marriage, and placed my wife in the middle of some 'warring' neighbors.
It's not important or even relevant to as why two sets of neighbors are warring, just that my wife and I have taken a neutral stance...not wanting to get involved...because it's not our place, we don't want to pick side on something we don't know about, and we don't want to add fuel to the fire. I tell my wife that is why I remove myself sometimes from these neighborhood situations, because though I may be silent and in the background, I see and observe things that don't sit well with me and I can see the tension that no one else can.
My wife feels that she has lost a friend, and not sure even what happened, and why this neighbor was so 'mean' and condemning. I tried to calm her down the best way I could, and remind her it's late, it was hot outside, people were drinking, and people say things they don't really mean under these circumstances. (Personally, I am not positive this person was ever my wife's 'friend' to begin with....just someone who uses her.)
My wife wanted to go back and rip into this person, but I rationally explained that it would make her look vindictive, add more fuel to the fire, and not accomplish anything in the end, other than give the neighbor one more reason to abhor Christians. All we can do is sit tight, hold your head up high, sleep on it, guard your words and actions, and pray.
I told my wife I had been praying for this neighbor all week....not necessarily to be our friend, but for her salvation. I may not see eye-to-eye, or like being around this person, but that doesn't mean I want to see her in hell. I am commanded by Christ to pray for her soul, and try not to judge, but through our examples lead her to God. Easier said than done, but never give up. (Funny I say 'never give up', when I myself wanted to throw in the towel so many times before.)
I went further to explain some of the observations I have witnessed over the last few weeks and months and it all seemed to make sense to my wife, like a light went on inside her head, and she started to see how events unfold over time and that this person is a cause for strife and anxiety and a divider. I equated these actions to the actions of Satan, how he tries to divide us, to confuse us, to take the things we hold sacred (like friendships) and when the moment is right....STRIKE. I explained the reason she was here crying now and the other person wasn't was that because my wife has some semblance of the spirit inside her, and because she cares. That's what separates her from others, like me....I cry as a man because people let me down, and I get sad, and I care...too much at times.
To be continued....
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