Turning a Corner

"Cause I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared

Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care" (lyrics from A Different Corner - George Michael)

I know it's been a over a week since my last post. It's been lack of free time as opposed to subject matter to blog about, and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, I actually feel upbeat....and I'm not taking any anti-depressants right now. As a matter of fact, I haven't touched my Lexapro in almost a month, and Clonzapen in almost three weeks.

That doesn't mean everything is hunky-dory, but perhaps I have been so busy as of late and surrounding myself with 'old' friends and 'new' activities, my mind hasn't had a chance to dwell on the minutiae of life.

I recently started a new job which may also be what the doctor, or in this case, God, has ordered. New settings, new people, new responsibilities....and less stress. I've only been on the job for a week, and it is far less stressful. I don't make as much as I did when I got laid off a year ago, but I am doing better than I was with my recent contract job. I sometimes wonder if God was reminding me that money isn't everything, so He allowed me to be stripped of my financial means and experience hard and stressful work with much less pay. After eight months, perhaps He thought I was ready to move on again, and presented me with an opportunity with a decent financial increase and less stress. At least that's what I would like to think.

My marriage has been a bit happier as well lately. I cannot say it is in the place I would like it to be or imagined it should be, but that is something I continue to pray about as well. Since my mood has been a bit better lately, I also notice that my spouse has had a better attitude towards me as well, and we have been actually doing more together. I would still like (at least what I observe), certain bad habits to disappear, but I guess I cannot expect everything to change at once. Baby steps.

I've been thinking back over the what really has been different the last few weeks. Besides the obvious career change, I've been allowing myself to socialize a bit more as well. I've been visiting a bit more with my neighbors, I recently attended an evening men's only BBQ at my church, and made the large step of meeting up with some old co-workers from my previous job. I was really hesitant on that last one, wondering if that is all they would want to talk about...my departure and what I have been doing this past year. Thankfully, the topic, while broached, was not dwelled upon and I was happy to report that I am bouncing back and am at least 'happy' now. The nicer aspect was that my previous peers treated me as the same 'ole guy they knew, and missed. I even got some warm hugs and firm handshakes from a few that I truly believe were genuine, and this too made me feel good.

But one thing for sure, I am reminded in subtle ways, everyday, that Christ does indeed look after me and makes such things possible. It is in the time of depression and hurt and anger and hopelessness that I so often forget this. I can only see what is in front of me, and quickly look for an immediate scapegoat and temptations. I also believe that I need to make a conscious effort to share my experience's with my friends and peers I come into contact with...to let them know, and not to be ashamed, that I am a man, a human, with real emotions that was kicked down (and can be again), but only through my faith and beliefs in the one true God can I hope to survive and find some semblance of sanity. Oh, I tell them it's not always easy, but I do tell them God is real and He is working with me in ways I do not understand, and He has a plan for me....it might not be 'my' plan, but He knows me better that I do.

Witness.

Fish in a net

“He thought about telling her the agitation he felt every day since the war, the bad dreams, the inability to get excited about much of anything, the times he went to the docks alone and watched the fish pulled in by the wide open nets, embarrassed because he saw himself in those hopeless, flopping creatures, snared and beyond escape” (-Mitch Albom, The five people you meet in heaven)

I read this little paragraph at lunch, and it really struck a cord with me. I had been plugging along in this short little novel and when I came across this on page 113 it was as if I was all alone in the restaurant. All the sounds and actions from the other patrons didn’t seem to register with me, for this one long sentence seemed to describe so many feelings I experience. Though I’ve never been to war, or even in the military, this still resonated with me.

The fact is I used to be able to get excited about a great deal of things, especially when it included the prospect of being with other people or friends that shared the same interests. Whether it be going to the movies, the store, playing a game, or just hanging out.

That changed. I’m not exactly sure when or how. I’m not sure if it was an overnight thing, or it took days, weeks, or even months. I know that my excitement level on a great many of things had diminished. Where my mind reeled with joy at the thought of countless opportunities and adventures, it now seemed indifferent. I enjoyed being alone, and I can’t even be sure if I was happy even then in my solitude. People began to let me down, disappoint me, seemed mundane and predictable. I saw their flaws, and even my own. I wanted a brief reprise. Read books, watch documentaries, play solitaire games.

The quietness was a blessing at first. I seemed more productive on my own, but over time even that began to change. My energy levels weren’t as high, I made more excuses to myself that ‘there is always tomorrow’ so I let a few things slide. I drank alone at night. First it was a beer, then it turned to mixed drinks. Soon, it was just pure whisky or gin on the rocks. Not just one…maybe two or three. I convinced myself it was there to relax me, make me forget about the cruel world and my interpretations of it.

Like the character in the novel, Eddie, I too began strolling metaphorically to my own docks and gazing into the nets of life and wondering how these individual events got ensnared and how they would escape. And again like Eddie, I began to see, and still do, these events as issues in my own life and saw the hopelessness of it all.

Traditional prayer time and weekly pilgrimages to Bible Study and Sunday services seemed to just eat up an hour or so, not really accomplishing anything spiritually within myself, but eating up time on the clock. The secret goal was to shorten the time I was awake until I went to bed again and slip into unconsciousness.

It is better today than it was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I honestly don’t drink as much, but once in a while the intense cravings are there, as though I look forward to going home and hearing that ice rattle in a tumbler, and that initial sip of whisky as it touches my tongue and slaps my head around. The phone still rings and I don’t always want to answer it. I dread the news or drama on the other end.

You know what I catch myself thinking about a lot? More so this last year than any other time in my life? I think about heaven, and with each passing day, that I am one day closer to it. I don’t always think about the perfection, or a new body, or being with Christ in his glory….I think more about leaving this place behind. How I won’t miss certain obligations or responsibilities, or bad news, or drama, or being let down, or just feeling like I am going through the motions. Many people say that ‘life’ in and of itself is a gift from God, and though there are a lot of secular and worldly persecutions we must endure, make the most of it for we only live it once. Or, ‘live life to the fullest’, ‘seize the day’, ‘stop and smell the roses’, etc.

I don’t think much about those clichés at all. I want to be in peace, that is to say my mind. Even now I pray to Christ that He calm my spirit and my mind daily. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the enemy has a field day with me.

Funny how these entries take on a life of their own. I’m not sure really how to finish this entry other than just to finish it. I wasn’t really expecting to go the direction in which I did, it just happened that way.

Depression - Coming to Terms (Part 7)

A continuation of my recognition of Depression.

When I came home that evening from the 'doctor', I had a few pieces of paper folded up neatly in my pocket. The whole drive home seemed to take just a little longer as I had turned off the radio just to hear myself think and run the whole previous meeting in my head numerous times over.

I don't know how many times I disected certain key words: ADHD, Bipolar, medication, Lexapro, Clonzapem, control. Wait, only crazy people are associated with these things right? Was someone who only just met me go on to tell me I have a screw loose?

I pulled into my garage and turned off my engine. I sat in my car a few moments taking deep breaths. I have to collect myself before I walk in the door and my wife asks me the inevitable: "So, what did they say?" And even more imporantly, how was I going to answer?

I decided rather quickly to be honest and quick, maybe play it off a bit as 'that was what I was expecting' and shrug my shoulder as to indicate the guy was a quack.

I walked in the door and straight to the fridge. I wanted an ice tea. Of course my wife was home watching the television , and there was an awkaward momement. Maybe there wasn't as far as she was concerned, but I felt it....at least in my own mind. When she looked at me, I knew the question was comming, and it seemed as if 100 answers filled my head and I could pick anyone of them. Now that I think about it, I was already on the defensive, self-protection mode before anything was even asked.

And then it came....'The' question that is.

I Placed my glas down on the kitchen table and looked at her. She did not get up from the sofa. I was very scared and fearful of her reaction. It could be anything from sarcastic, to non-caring, to pity. Everything negative that is. I did not exepct any support from her or an understanding of 'my' feelings. I mean, this was all in 'my head', not hears, right?

But I was honest. I explained in brief detail on what the doctor told me, and his suggestions that I be put on medication. I am really not sure what I was really expecting as a response from her, so no matter what she did or said I guess would have been a surprise to me.

"Well, I guess you better go get them filled then.", she said.

Part of me was instantly hurt. I thought I just bared my soul to some quack, and now I come home to my wife for some empathy, and all I got was a very non-chalant "Well, I guess you better go get them filled then."

"Okay", was all I could muster, and I wnet back to doing nothing and she went back to the TV. I'm not sure what either of our strategy was at this time....Maybe hers was to not talk about it because she knew I was already embarrassed and ashamed, maybe she knew not to rub salt on an open wound, maybe she thought she could just roll with it and we just won't talk about 'my crazy husband'. I'm sure my thoughts weren't that much different.

I do know that I became super sensitive to all the 'Prozac', or 'depression' related commercials on TV. It seemed that when they came on I was to frozen to say anything, lest I bring up my own situation, or somehow relate it back to me.

Even today, when television shows even *hint* that a character has an 'issue', I seem to tense up, even more so with my wife in the room. I am awaiting her to ask me I suppose "So, are you feeling depressed today? Do you want to hurt yourself?" I guess I am scared of her to ask me, because I still don't know if I can ever answer truthfully.

To be continued.....

Storm + 4

It's been four days since I walked. This morning I awoke very early...4am, and decided I could not sleep. I got up and watched television for a bit.

You'd think I'd be able to relax and enjoy my last few days off, and the remainder of this week before I start my new career, but alas, it's not as easy as I was hoping.

I tried to do the right thing on Friday and speak with the agency that found me the job, but no one was around. I finally got a call late in the day at my house and they asked me what happened. I didn't want to drag everything in the mud, so I stayed very genric in my answers. Part of me was so relieved to be out, but another part of me was still beating myself up for the uncertaintyof it all.

It really hasn't gotten any better.

I mean, I am happy I am not there any longer, but this morning I was riddled with anxiety. My chest was tight and I took numerous deep breaths. I probably shouldn't have had two cups of coffee this morning, and it looks pretty dreary (overcast) outside today.

I think I may take myself to the movies. I used to do that all the time....by myself. Two hours where the outside world did not exist. I think I am going to do that again today.

And pray.

My prayers at 4am this morning made no sense, and I am not really sure my heart was in it. They were more like automatic repsonses, like I was on auto-pilot. I feel bad I also missed church this past Sunday....with Mothers Day and all. I spent it with my mom, but I was tired. My mind was also elsewhere, reliving the past few days events over in my head as if they were an 8mm loop.

A lesson I haev not learned yet. Letting go. The proof is in my anxiety. I seriously think someday I will have a heart attack. Not from my diet, but from stress. I imagine my heart valve and certain arteries straining under the adrenaline and negative hormones and the self imposed high blood pressure. I may go to the gym today too. Maybe a half hour of exercise will help alleviate pent up energy. At the very least, it will be another half hour which I forget about the rest of the world.

That's a common desire/reward that comes about in my mind. Escape. Forgetting the world one hour at a time. Some people may shun that idea, think I am a coward for running away. But that is when it is the most quiet. I relish those moments in time where there is no time.

Calm before the Storm?

Well, today is the day.

I have made a decision in my life to help me move forward, and I cannot help but wonder if it truly is the right thing.

I was at peace last night for the first time in a long time. I actually slept pretty soundly and did not wake up at some ridiculous hour. Before I hit my pillow, I prayed a silent prayer inside my head asking God to reassure me. Though I did not receive an audible answer or an immediate 'gut feeling' within, perhaps the answer was a good night sleep.

I came to work today, most likely for the very last time at with this company, and again I seem to see-saw between nervous butterflies and a strange calmness. I accepted a letter of intent yesterday with another company and sent it to them after hours, and I have been trying to confirm they received it this morning before I do anything drastic. I'd say it's a 99.9% lock, but I'd still like the verbal response they did receive my acceptance before I resign later today. That is not going to go over to well...

I do feel a certain amount of guilt paigns about this today, but I truly want to believe that God presented this other opportunity to me for a reason, and that I learned a very long, but humbling lesson from Him. To be patient through difficult times, and that only when I realize that He is in control and my heart was in a better place would he open the doors for me.

I spoke with another Christian today and shared my feelings. The guilt paigns are a result of my work ethic. Despite all the other difficulties, mindsets, and moods I have been experiencing, I always had a heart to work hard and give it my all. However, in this case the employer has never put me first, and while I struggle with walking away on a job I believe I am good at and want to help people, the culture here has made it evident they will never help me. Specifically the team I work with. I'm sad to say that the team I work with is not really a team at all, though I despretely always wanted to work with them and have never said 'no' to any of their requests.

Not once.

But as actions speak louder than words, it is through long observation that I know each member is in for themselves only, and I cannot work anymore under those conditions.

It may sound as if I think 'I know better than they', or maybe slightly egotistical. I wish I could find the right words to describe the unpleasant nature and selfish ethics of my peers, but I can only say you have to 'live it to understand it'.

So, for the first time ever in my life, I plan on quitting today with no notice. To walk out the door at the appropriate time and never look back. It's scary, and believe me, I am not taking this lightly.

Anxiety & Bipolar curiosity

My anxiety levels have been a little elvated the last few days. I have a huge life decision to make within the next 24-48 hours that will affect my career and I note that I'm a little 'uneasy'.

This morning I awoke just after 2am and had a hard time falling back to sleep. My mind was thinking about the decision I have to make, and the best way for me to handle it, and the least painful for all. I ended up taking two aspirin PM tablets that also help put one to sleep. I finally did fall back alseep, but not before 4:30am and soon, I was up again by 5:45 and feeling very groggy.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to search WebMD today on Bipolar disorders, Lexapro, and Clonazepam, but I did. I've been on Lexapro before (now currently off), and I only take Clonazepam when I feel a panic attack or anxiety start to really take hold. I had one in my pocket all day yesterday, just in case, but I didn't end up taking it afterall. I'll be honest, I do like its effects from time to time....the calmness and the wierd euphoria I sometimes feel. Something analagous to be inebriated but without the alcohol.

As far as Bipolar reading, I think I have convinced myself it may indeed be true of me. I was 'diagnosed' by a therapist 2 years ago about being Bipolar, but it was a hard sell to me. 1st, the therapist only knew me all of 20 minutes, and second, I led such a healthy lifestyle I couldn't fathom my brain not working correctly, or the chemicals off kilter, or whatever. It's definetly something I don't tell anybody, even my family, because I'm really not sure if I am or not. Of course I guess anyone can believe they have something if a few symptoms seem logical. I just don't want to carry that stigma around with me.....that I'm Bipolar. And certainly don't want to use it as a crutch or have people look at me differently.

I've been praying for God's wisdom in this matter...not the pill taking per-se, but how to handle the decision and situation He may have placed in front of me. I've been praying for months on end for a change to present itself, and now that it has, I'm scared to leap. Very typical of me....a lack of faith and a lack of trust.

It seems I always question the answers that are presented to me, and only make things even more complex than ever intended. I often wonder if they are really from Him, or am I so desperate to believe they are I convince myself of that fact when it may not be true to begin with.

I seriously need some mental rest. I really need to just sit down for a week and do nothing but listen to jazz music, or read a book, or meditate on the things I enjoy doing....and actually do them.

Decisions, patience, humbling, prayer

I'm not even sure I know how to begin this entry.

The last few months seems like it has been one continous trial after another for me. Many times, it seems as if the the lines get blurred between issues and I often wonder how I do it. Better yet, am I actually doing 'it' at all?

Two days ago my anxiety seemed to have crept back up. The last week I have awoken every day before dawn, and the first thing I think of is work. That's inherently wrong, and stressful.

I took a clonzapem the other day to help alleviate the tightness in my chest. Work has taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. And as a result, like my past episodes of depression, I have taken these troubles home and they have affect my home life. My relationship with my wife, and even my own overall hapiness.

I've spent numerous hours in prayer, almost a contsant non-stop vigile in prayer about everything. Of course myself, but also my family, my friends, world situations, friends of friends, and non-believers as well. Sometimes so much I wonder if I just sound like I'm babbling. My prayers sometimes run together and I even begin to lose my train of thought.

Last week it was so tough at work, I was so close to walking out, but realizing that it would cause only momentary relief, I also was rational enough to know I need a job with a mortgage and other bills. So I did the next best thing....I updated my resume yet again and sent them out.

Jesus knows I am unhappy in my current role, and its slowly but surely killing me. Robbing days if not weeks off of my mortal life with the mounting pressures. My mother relates to me a sad story a week or so back about a young man, married, who committed suicide because of external pressures. My dad also recently recounted a tragic story with no real answers of a young single lady from our family church who also committed suicide the other day. I'd be lying if I didn't say I secretly understand them. I'm also starting to believe despite Catholic doctrine that suicide is not an 'unforgiveable' sin.

Then the phone rang twice this past week. I had been selected for two interviews. The calls came shortly after I was about to lose my fuse at work. God is indeed answering me, and showing light at the end of the tunnel. Oh how I look forward to the day I can leave my current position for something far less stressful.

Both interviews went extremely well, despite me calling in sick, So well in fact that one called me yesterday to let me know they will be extending an offer to me this week. The other also called and wants me to come in for a second interview next week.

Now I have the potential to decide between two offers. Offers that were not available to me the last 7 months. Perhaps it took this long in God's timing that I be humbled and reminded that things could be much worse.

Of course I am still awaiting the formal offers, and nothing is set in stone until a letter of intent is presented to me, and I in turn sign it. It is both scary and a blessing at the same time. I'm scared because there is always a gut wrenching feeling of "Am I truly making the right decsion?" "Will things be better if I throw caution to the wind?" "Did God present these to me to show me that he is listening and realizes that I am that unhappy and showing me a way out?"

I believe this is indeed a blessing. I think God wanted me to exhaust every avenue I could in dealing with my current situation, but in the end realizing I cannot do it without Him, and that I had to put my trust into Him.

Again, even this morning, I had little sleep. Stress still gets to me, and I awoke at 4:15am to find myself once again in prayer asking Jesus to calm my spirit and quiet my mind. Yesterday was another tough day at work, and I was glad to leave. I then however reminded myself of these possible offers and it did change my outlook for today. I promised myself that I would not allow my current employers to have power over me like they have been. Oh, I am still doing my work, and I will do it good for as long as I am here....that's my nature. But I am looking forward to the day soon in which I can resign and take a week off to collect my thoughts and relax.

Dealings with Lust and Shame

Depression is generally coupled with various emotions, most of them generally of the nuetral or negative conotations.

These emotions fluctuate seemingly at will. Sometimes they are intense cravings only for a few moments, other times that linger longer than I would personally like them to. They often morph and swirl about in my brain until my original thought ends up taking me down a completly different path and opening another set of thoughts and beliefs. These beliefs and griefs, and burdens can weigh me down one minute, and like a vapor dissapate shortly thereafter. The overall sense is a sense of lonliness and and in extreme cases abandonment, resentment, bitterness. And finally, in a moment of muddled clarity, I often look in the mirror and wonder how did I allow these things to happen? Where was the point in which I lost control? Did I ever even have control, or did I just falsly believe I did.

In the end, I'm not sure it really matters.

I know I feel alone at times. Not all the time, but enough where it my mind has a certain way of reminding me even if try not to think about it.

In order to cure lonliness, we become desperate at times. God recognized that Man should not be alone and needed companionship above that of the animals he had dominion over, so he created woman. And they lived happily with each other until the original sin.

What was once beautiful was now infected and tainted. New emotions rose to the surface: insecurity, envy, jealousy, lust. Note that these are negative emotions and God warns us against them, to pray to Christ for strength in the face of temptation.

But man in his lonliness is impatient. His soul is torn between a spiritual fullfillment from God, and quick, tangible fullfillment and quick gratification in choosing the easier path. For humans, the easier path is just that....easier...and not of God's will for us. But try explaining that to a person who has felt alone for so long, even in the midst of family and friends, and church. Why can I say this? Because I feel I often fall into that same category.

I know people love me. They care for me. They pray for me. But I often wonder do they 'get' or 'understand' me. Soon my heart and mind take over and calls out to me this is a spiritual condition and I cast away the righteous path for a path with the least resistance, and a path I know that Satan tempts me to walk down.

I'm sad to say I have walked down that path more than I care to admit.

Lonliness is most likely a condition of the heart, but I guess to say the tactile feeling of anothers warm touch, and the mind itself play important roles in all this. Lonliness brings out the fantasies and desires rooted in basic human touch, needs and even lust.

When alone, my mind wanders....to her, and to her, and yes even her over there. There's a biblical verse that says if you look and sin with your eye, it is best to gauge it out than to be tempted and commit sin within the heart. Quite frankly, I'd be blind many times over.

Is sex the answer? Is lust and physical stimulation the answer? It may relieve short term issues, but trust me, the lonliness and desires always have a way of finding their ways backs to top and thus the cycle repeats.

For me, afterwards, comes shame. Internal spiritual condemnation. A quick high is just as quickly replaced for a need of repentance and asking of forgiveness. Lord, why did my 'eye' stray? Is there nothing else to fill the void? Medicine? Pills? Yet even more prayer?

I want to be joyous and happy and give glory to Him, but in my path, I often get the righteous path confused with the quick path. Shame often rides upon my shoulder and dwells inside me. Shame that my eyes strayed. Shame that my faith isn't strong enough. Shame that the easier path is more attractive than the right path.

Back Again

It's been over a month since my last post.

I feel as I have neglected my blog, and moreso, neglected myself and my thoughts.

A lot has happened in the past five weeks, and most of it very difficult. Difficult enough that I do not wish to repeat those events and wish I could dislodge the memories and their associated emotions and discard them. But I cannot.

In the last few weeks once again I felt as if my life was no longer my own. Pressure from work, pressure from my marriage, pressure from school, and pressure on myself was enough to make me break down.

I broke down more than once.

'Breaking down' to me is the total feeling of abandonment from all that I come into contact with, and that of God as well. The overwhelming feeling that I cannot control any events, that events are controlling me, and no matter how well placed my intentions are, they backfire.

I cried.

I cried a lot.

Enough that I had to leave work more than once and walk outside just to clear my head. Enough that I lost my appetite, and my sleep, and I begged God to remove me.

Remove me from what is the $100 dollar question.

Remove me from my current state of affairs and give me breathing room and peace of mind? Or remove me once and for all, and let me please wake up in heaven?

You don't know how tired my mind becomes. Tired of the emotional let downs. Tired of continually trying and always feel like I am failing. And when the mind and spirit fail, so does the body. I just want to submerge myself in warm covers in bed and not crawl out. I want to sit in a spa and have the world melt away.

But who has the time? I trudge on because someone has too, not because I want to. Because I have responsibilities that I don't want but have been dealt them anyway.

A double-minded man

"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does" (James 1: 6-8)

As has been the norm as of late, I went to church with an overall sense of indifference...not to church itself, but the machination of my daily routine. At the very least, I looked forward to church for some wisdom yesterday, and it seems as if the pastor was speaking directly to me.

As the words of James chapter 1 sprung forth, it seemed every verse was directed towards me or rang true somewhere in my recent life.

The first verses that lept out at me was James 1: 6-8. And they weren't the only ones...I'll dive more into the others in later posts.

I have had a huge internal battle lately with belief and doubt. Logically I want to believe, and for all intents and purposes I really try. But if you do not believe 100%, then you don't believe fully in His promises and allow the seed of doubt to take hold and grow. Such is with me. Other Christians and friends and family have told me to pray, to trust in Him, that things will get better.....but the only problem I am too fixated on my own schedule and not His.

When I pray, I inevitable sucumb to being an immature Christian and expect my answers in my time. It doesn't help when others continue to try an build me up in moral and make promises that never seem to come to fruition. That's when doubt blooms, and before you know it I am fixated on the prayer itself....did I not pray hard enough? Did I pray for the wrong thing? Is He telling me something and I am not calm enough to sit quietly and hear?

Before long I am see-swaing bewteen faith and doubt, and my mind and spirit feels like a torential storm within as James describes. My confusion replaces faith, and unstable I do become.

I wonder if this instability is analogous to being bi-polar? Did I become bi-polar because of a chemical imbalance, or because I am of a 'double-minded' mentality resulting from an internal war of beliefs and doubts?

Depression - Medictated Continued (part 6)

It's been a while since I last continued with this...that is my account of Depression and how it started and the steps I began to take in order to try an overcome it, or at the very least, minimize it.

I was pretty on-track for the most part, taking my 'meds' like a good little boy. The doctor suggested I start with 5mg at first, and during the first few weeks I suppose I was trying to be very aware of any changes taking place. So I waited.

And I waited.

After a at least a week or so I wasn't so sure anything was happening. I didn't feel any better emotionally, more embarrased and ashamed that I was now taking pills for some 'mental issues' I have no idea how they started or why they seemed to be getting out of control.

I revisited the doctor and he asked me how things were. He took my blood pressure, a blood sample, and spoke to me more. I alternated between very fidgety to feeling like giving up, and I think he sensed this as well since he upped my dosage to 10mg a day now. I was also taking the Clonzapen either daily or every other day to relax. Now that my dosage went up, I was afraid to tell my wife lest she began to think she married a crazy person, or my parents lest my mother go on some other tangent of who knows what that I don't want to deal with.

More weeks went by and maybe at best I felt 'stabilized' on occassion, but the depression was there and I couldn't think about when I was happy. It seemed that the word 'Happiness' somehow lost its meaning for me. I knew what the definition of Happiness is/was, and I had experienced joy on occasion, but not so much anymore, and that continues on even today.

Interlude: The reason I am continuing this today as I had a strange thought in my head a few hours ago. If someone were to ask me to rate my general 'happiness' on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best, I think my current answer would be a '4'. I'm not sure if I ever remember a true '10'...sure there was some 8's, some 9's, and on occasion a few 2's and 3's.....but overall...on average, I feel as if I am a solid 4. I wish it were higher, like a 6 or 7, but I haven't felt that in quite some time. :End Interlude

Some time had passed, perhaps just over a month, maybe a bit more and I was referred to see a clinical therapist. I hid that from everyone. I reluctantly went during a work day (I thinK i asked for a long lunch) and met with a gentleman who asked me a few questions. Within 10 minutes he was basically telling me I had the symptoms of ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder and asked me to look them up at home. Why? Why would I want to go home and read if I was crazy or not? But alas, I did. I think, with utmost certainty I can rule out ADHD (that was so insulting to me at the time), but in reading more about Bi-polarism, this seemed to make more sense:

Bipolar disorder (also called manic-depressive disorder) is an illness that causes extreme mood changes that alternate between manic episodes of abnormally high energy and the extreme lows of depression.
Bipolar disorder may cause behavior so severe that you may not be able to function at work, in family or social situations, or in relationships with others. Some people with bipolar disorder become suicidal.

I knew my mood swings were pretty pronounced, I was feeling depressed, I was having issues with sleeping, I was tired, I found social situations even with my spouse and family very tedious and irritating, and thoughts of suicide did occassionally creep up.

Great, now that I may be 'bi-polar', I wondered how did I get this way? Is it a punishment from God? Was Satan having a field day with me? Was it my rearing? My parents? My own personal standards never being met? Am I just a difficult person doomed to feeling perpetually inadequate and constantly nervous and anxious? It seemed I could only answer 'D': All of the above.

I was mad. Mad at the doctor who after 10 minutes came to these conclusions. How can anyone in 10 minutes make an assumption on over 30 years of my life, most of it bundled up within my own head. Was I angry because of his snap judgements on such a ludicrous meeting, or was I mad because maybe he was right? He wrote ADHD and Bipolar on a piece of paper and I walked out. I was in denial but could not throw that piece of paper away. It taunted me on one hand, again frustrating me, but it was also a tangible object that stared at me and said I was screwed up in the head.

Again, the torture for people with depression: How to I tell my wife? Will she understand? Will my family? Will I be perceived as weak? Mental? Will I take pills forever? Did God abandon me?

That one hit me the hardest:

Did God abandon me?

to be continued....

Hmmmm....

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My eyes began to sting a little with the welling of tears when I read this. I'll have to meditate on this one a bit and work it out in my head.

Restless Night

Funny how things change on a dime.

Despite what I wrote yesterday in which my emotional state was more or less nuetral to upbeat, overnight my thoughts once again turned to paranoia and concern.

Despite some recent activity on the job search front....in which I go on interviews that seem promising...only to be held in a current 'holding pattern' on updates just goes to prove to me that my patience has not yet been dealt with.

After numerous days, weeks, months, years even of asking God to help me deal with timing and patience issues, I only awake to learn that I don't have any. Patience that is, and I become a nervous wreck letting my mind get the best of me.

I dreamt of my old job again this morning, and many emotions came to the forefront once I woke up. Once again I felt sad and alone, cheated, and discouraged. I wondered about the future, how will I survive? How will I make ends meet? What does my wife think of me? Have I failed her and my family and myself? I swear I try....I don't want to give up, yet I do think of giving up from time to time. All this effort....for nothing.

Though my wife lay down next to me, sleeping peacufully, I could not help the tears forming in my eyes of being scared of the future. I wanted to feel her touch, to just let me know she was there and everything was okay, but she had to get up early herself and go to work.

I tried to share my thoughts with her, to let her know I needed prayer today, that I needed affirmation I was trying and all was going to be okay. Instead I got: "You have no pateince." Something I am quite aware of and don't need reminding of. Instead of getting comfort, I was reminded of my short commings and doing my best to internalize my feelings and pull myself together. As I am trying to do write now as I type out this entry.

I pray that God has a wonderful plan for me for the future, that someday I can look back on this dark time and rejoice that He has made it better and He saw me through all this. Funny how I claim to have faith the He will, but at the same time I don't hold my breath as yet another tear rolls down my face and I hide myself from my current co-workers.

Broken and Blessed

"You show me a man or woman who has been broken and I'll show you a person who has great potential to serve God." (God is in control, -Charles Stanley)

Yes, this may make sense to some and logical on the surface at first glance, but I am not sure I agree in totality.

As Mr. Stanley goes on, he explains that only when man is at his lowest can he truly appreciate the blessings and plans God has in store for each of us when we cry out and recognize Him, His love, and His mercy for us.

I'm not sure Mr. Stanley has been in my shoes or those of numerous others who 'love' God, yet do feel abandoned at times. Unfortunately for all of us, this domain is not Paradise as described in the Bible. This realm we currently inhabit is a result of the fall of man, and Satan has dominion over the earth and can influence, manipulate, deceive, etc. in order to plant doubt within our heads.

I'm not proud to admit that I have succumbed to doubt on numerous ocassions, and it may not be predicated on my faith alone. Studies have shown that people, even those strong in God, can be subject to chemical imbalances in the brain that may cause depression and other associated feelings of the negative variety.

I know from my own personal experience, I have felt 'broken' on more than one occassion this last year or two, and I'm not sure I was in any shape for myself or as an example to any other that I had great potential to serve God. As a matter of fact, I often wondered where God was at all, and when it seemed all too silent, my paranoia, fears, emotions, depressions sank even lower. I actually wonder how close I was to the 'edge' I really was before I could have snapped. As bad as things were on my really bad days, I am glad they didn't get worse, but in all honesty I wonder how much further I could sink. I even recognized the potential to sink even further. Only God knows how close I was to cashing it all in on myself. Saying goodbye to all I cared about.

And during all this self-loathing, I felt alone. No matter how much prayer I tried.....it seemed to go nowhere. So how could I have served the Lord? How much potential did I have? For arguments sake, let's say I did indeed have potential....but in all practicality, I was numb and useless and nowhere close to being used by God. I even think it's better that I wasn't used lest I give horrible advice or say something in anger or biterness or sadness. Surely these were the exact thoughts lingering in my own head.

So only at your lowest do you have potential to serve God? On the contrary, thats when I think people even with shaky faith get desperate. Logic, care, rationality goes out the window. Thsi is when the Enemy strikes and lures us away with the easier path....the road less travled...the easy way out. I just want the pain and heartache to stop. Of course I want God there with me, but when he appears to be silent, I'm not sure I want to wait around for the life lesson as suggested. No...I want out now, and I am 'tempted', whether it be violence or alcohol or self-pity or eternal sleep to make it stop.

However, to give the author credit, it's only when you begin to pull yourself up by the bootstraps does one allow for the time of reflection to note God can use you. As long as your are willing that is. I look to Him now, myself, just to fill in the voids and gaps within my own life. When the chips are down and at least stabilized, and when I remember, I ask or talk to God to help fill the dull pockets of my existance. That doesn't mean I always understand, or rejoice in Him...it means there are pockets of my life that need filling, and I commune with God to help pass the time....at least until the next tribulation. I can only hope that the tribulations get further and further apart, that God fills in the times more frequently, and throught this frequency I re-learn happiness and joy. No one said it was going to be easy or short. It's in His timing, as long as He sees that I am fit and can handle it.

Solitude (part I)

As someone close to me the other day said: "It's okay to want alone time."

How much alone time is healthy for anyone person? Sure their are introverts, and extroverts by definition, but how does one go from being an extrovert to and introvert is a short period of time.

I think this picture symbolizes so much what is me. On the one hand you have Superman....an icon, an extrovert to the human race, defender of justice, bigger than life.

But to himself and on the inside he is an introvert. Realizing that he is actually alone in this world where no one could understand him....when the pressures of being Superman are too much even for him, he escapes to his 'Fortress of Solitude'...a cold, sterile, alone place far removed from civilization and the masses so as he can collect his thoughts and unwind and think and commune with the memories of his father and his homeworld.

I remember an episode of the original Twilight Zone as well with Burgess Meredith. He played a quirky and geeky librarian who just wanted to escape the persecution of his fellow man who always seemed to be bullying him around. He wanted to escape and be just left with his books, to lose himself in the pages of fiction. He gets his wish....a world disaster strikes in which everyone sans himself are gone. Finally alone with his books he relishes the fact he is now alone and cannot be bothered by those that don't understand him....only to trip and fall moments later and break his glasses...so that he can no longer read the books that meant so much to him.

Today on my way into work, I heard a story on the radio about suicide, and some websites that even promote efficient ways on how to remove yourself from this plane of existance in the quickest and hopefully painless ways. The story really troubled me. I feel sad for the parents and family and feel that these type of websites, even under freedom of speech, should be shut down. But I'd be lying to say I also didn't empathize with the victims. I am too chicken to hurt myself, nor do I want to cause any harm to my parents and family, nor am I overly anxious to find out if my name is written in the Book of Life. Nor am I Catholic but I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is not a mortal sin. I do believe God can forgive anything and anybody, but suicide does seem like the ultimate is selfish acts one can perform.

I often wonder how I will die myself. I hope it will be painless and I hope at home in my sleep. But I think that statistics and odds are against that. I think most people die via stroke, heart-attack, or violence (car accidents or injuries). Cancer runs in my family and I 'try' to watch what I eat, but I often have flashes of myself getting in a car wreck. I've had nightmares of being stabbed or falling. I have mentally pictured the ambulance comming to my house someday because I suffered a heart attack. Only God knows the actual result. I fear of dying alone. I fear that I will outlast my parents and my wife. I wonder who will find me? Who will bury me? Will I even have any family at that time that would attend a service?

I hear preachers say that when we close our eyes here on this earth, and if we are believers in Christ, we immediately are present in Paradise.

I have to stop right now.....My eyes are welling up and I don't know why.

A Bad Week

The last week, especially the last few days has been an emotional effort for me. It doesn't really help that it is cold and rainy outside as well, and that my spouse is out of town.

I've been more tired than usual. It could be a combination of a few different things, or none at all, but I am having a harder time waking up in the morning, I'm falling asleep earlier, and my sleep has been more sound and heavy. I relayed this to my wife over the phoen and she thinks I should go see a doctor and have my blood checked. She's probably right, but at the same time, I look at this as just another added chore and burden as of late to an already existing long list I really don't want to acknowledge.

My spiritual struggle has also been hard the last few days as well. There seems to be a lot in the news regarding Jesus (James Cameron's new documentary as one example), and my mind drifts into prayer and looking for consoltation within God, but as seems to be the case lately, God seems silent. I've been taking some stock in recent thoughts and activities and once again I realize that as hard as I try to live in accordance on how Christ wants me to, I falter more times than I'd like to admit. Feelings of guilt, anger, bitterness, hate both towards myself and also the outside world are abundant.

I often wish I were younger, harkening back to earlier times where the trials and tribulations of the world didn't seem as rough.

As what often happens to me, it appears that when it rains....it pours.

I have been unhappy with work again lately, not the actual work itself, but I find myself in conflict with an individual who always appears to come out 'rosey' when in fact this person is very manipulative and duplicitous. Saying one thing to my face, yet acting out against me when I am not present. Again, I am surrounded by people who recognize this, but appear to be scared or do not wish to get involved in my defense lest this appears to be a bad mark against them in the corporate world. It's a foreboding sense that I just cannot win no matter how hard I try to persever, as if the enemy knows I am already fragile and wishes to kick me when I am down, repeatedly until I submit and get angry with God who does not seem to be present. Purposely inflicting doubt within me, and I am brave enough to admit that I am indeed weak, and doubt has entered my mind more often that I would like.

I see the secular world and recognize that it is an easier path. Not to care, not to sacrafice, not to get involved....to have fun, to drink, to let my mouth loose on the masses. Yet my internal spirit cries out 'No'....this is wrong and not pleasing to God or in accordance with his word. It's what the world wants...it wants to see me fail and welcome me back in its lies and deceit.

So the stress of my job and the people I interface with is one facet. Then there's home life, and financials, and the thought of family and children and I get depressed. Very depressed. I feel the world in general owes me an apology, yet at the same time I curse at it and what I have allowed myself to become; a former shell of myself. A man going through the motions of life often wondering if heaven will indeed be a better place and when can I get there.

I sit here now, noticing that I am taking very deep breaths....pretending I am elsewhere....mentally detached from what I am physically grounded to. I want to place my head down...I want to go home and crawl into bed....I so want to cry, but I am not positive what I want to cry about. I feel fractured and alone. People want to help me, want to pray for me, want to wave their magic wands and make it all better....to the person I once was. Don't you think I want that too? Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and make it all better, that I would have already done so?

Statistically speaking, my biological life is half over. God I hope this present state isn't an idicator for the remaining half.

Called Out - Keeping my Anger in check.

I had a small taste of Humble Pie today, and the best part of it is I can hopefully learn from my transgressions and emotions.

The last week has been a bit stressful. Homelife, worklife, spirituality has been really beating me up lately. My 'counsler' forgot our appointment last week and when I called her, she was getting her hair done. Now that I look back, this was sort of the starting point of my recent fall.

At first I was a little mad and upset with her. I began to equate that a hairstyle garnered more attention that I did, which may or may not be viewed as selfish. My way of punishing her back was to not re-sechedule my appointment. I'm not really sure what that proves....that I am still stubborn and vindictive, or to let her know she hurt my feelings and ticket me off.

Work has been very stressful as well. Longer than usual hours, with little help and no room for mistakes makes our whole 'team' (and I use that word very loosely) a bit crabby. I don't respond very well to unfair orders or people barking at me, especially when they treat me poorly. I begin to harbor even more resentment and anger towards them. One individual is on my 'short' list anyway, and I find it an exercise in patience not to blow my top, knowing full well it won't solve anything. It's like that saying: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, ....well, this person is set in their ways, and I don't think any amount of calm speak is going to win this person over.

So instead, I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and I took the Lord's name in vain not really paying attention to what I was saying. Here is where I got caught up in the moment....I expressed my 'colorful' words to a person I tried to witness to some time back.

Wouldn't you know...this person responded to me: "You realize you just took the Lords name in vain. For someone who was telling me about the Lord, seems like you just failed a test."

Inside, my heart sank, and I realized he was correct. I replied that just because I am Christian doesn't mean I am perfect and I agreed that I was wrong. I told him I was indeed angry and in times of unchecked emotions we all fall, but that is why it is important to ask for forgiveness. I apologized to him, and again relayed the fact that I need to pray for myself to indeed keep my anger and emotions in check, that I need to be a represntative of God, and in this case I admit I did fail.

Weird that I really didn't think of it until it was pointed out to me, but it really hurt my spirit to know this unbeliever used the 'God' card against me. Live and learn I suppose.

When it rains.....

Yesterday was the atypical Monday. Where Murphy's Law reigns supreme, and you feel as if you're a spectator watching your own demise and there's not much you can do.

I had a difficult day at work yesterday. First, I was late to work. Second, the people I 'report' to, are not very helpful at all. They have many insecurities which I recognize because I suffer from them as well. But I think I suffer in a different way....I recognize my issues often have a spiritual component, and I don't think the others do about their own plights. As still sort of an outsider, I look into their world with their interactions towards each other and see so much tension, power plays and very un-healthy politicking taking place between them.

I have only shared my spiritual beliefs with one, and was somewhat saddened to learn this individual was more or less agnostic. The others I seriously doubt have much beliefs either, or if they do, it cerntainly doesn't play out in the workplace.

Anyway, I was supposed to drive to one of our secondary locations to complete a task when my car wouldn't start. After multiple attempts I had to call the auto club for a jump. This was all before 9am. All I could think of was $$$ and no matter how many inroads I make forward, it alsways seems there is a nwe obstruction in my path. So I had to drive to three different places until I found one that would take a look at my car. It appears it is a combination of my battery and starter caused by some leaky valves. A new battery will limp me through the next few weeks, but a new starter, replacement of the valves and labor is going to be over $1000. Plus I need 2 new tires as well. Not only are the costs going up, I'm off the clock, not earning any money as I try to solve this. With property taxes due, and income taxes around the corner...I am a little stressed out.

I sat in my car and prayed. Prayed that even though the problems still needed to be fixed, that I woudl have peace for the remainder of the day. Instead I cried for a few minutes. My crying stems from frustration and sometimes a feeling of being buried. In the large scheme of things, I realize its just another day. That innocent people died today from violence. That there are so many worse thinsg in the world right now, and here I am worrying about my car which is 11 years old. It's time to get a new car anyway, but I wanted to buy one on my terms, when I am ready, not because of fialing I cannot control. Is this yet another test? Is this God showing me that he is the master of all and wanting me to give it all to him and pray? Or is it the enemy just wanting to mess with me more, planting more doubt and anger in me.

I don't know.

But I feel like the person in the picture above. Solitary. No one else gives a rats ass about my issues. And why should they?

Today, I feel sad.

Emotions are a very strange thing.

I awoke feeling indifferent to most things. I didn't want to come to work today, not because I don't like my actual job, but I'm not really a people person. That is, I am not fond of people who talk down to me or treat me as a grunt just because I am low on the totem pole. I find that my current employers also think of me as just a number, devoid of any actual true loyalty or friendliness garnered my way.

So I started off here today on a sour note. Piles of issues coming my way, and no one to help me out. No 'atta boy' for all the issues I resolve timely, but make one simple mistake that can be corrected in seconds, and they are all over you.

I've always enjoyed animals, though I wasn't an animal lover until this last year. Not sure why, probably because the pets I had were fish, a parakeet, and two hamsters when I was growing up. The most I was ever attached to was the hamsters, but they don't have a very long life span...maybe 2-3 years tops.

When someone, well I guess I mean me really, is depressed, they tend to seek out other forms of affection. People usually let me down, or at least have let me down especially in the last few years. I find myself tiring of them...the repetitive banter, excuses, nothing to offer...maybe its the people I surround myself with. I need to find new people who can stimulate my mind and emotions. Or get away from the 'know-it-alls'.

While spending a few minutes away from it all, I came across the profile of Clover, the pictured dog. Clover led a full life but succumbed to some seizure attacks recently brought on by age and it was determined in a painful but loving way to put Clover to sleep.

To end Clover's pain.

I don't know this dog, nor its family, but my heart aches after reading Clover's parents last few entries. I cried. Instead of the sourness I felt earlier towards work and people, I now cry for Clover and her parents, and can only pray that Jesus and God have made special arrangements for family pets such as dogs and cats. I don't even have a child but I can hardly imagine the pain one feels in losing a son or daughter. I'm a wreck just learning about someone else's beloved family dog. I wish I could be there to share in the parents grief, no matter how strange that sounds. There is just something about the unconditional love of a family dog that no human being can ever achieve.

Surprised with my anger under the surface

I had a session with a therapist yesterday, and I always surprise myself about my feelings, my tirades, and my thoughts after the hour. Actually I feel very guilty and even more disapointed with myself.

Before I step into my therapists office, I always have this mental ritual I go through: I pretend and prepare for a 'dry-run' of our conversation, and I try and go in as relaxed as I can be and try to empty my thoughts and go in very open minded.

In reality, this never really has worked once.

Usually within 10 minutes I find myself getting agitated and by the time our session is over I am amazed on the thoughts pounding through my head.

Yesterday I was a bit more agitated that usual. A lot had to do with my therapists surroundings to begin with. I don't particularly like cats, and she has two in which when I walk in I always smell the distinct aroma of cat pee. I also think of their shedding hair on my clothes. Plus there are other disctractions that generally get to me. Like yesterday, her phone went off at least 4 times during our session, and I found my train of thought derailed at every ring.

My emotions were scattered. I went to being intense, and frsutrated and angry to very sad and crying. I play back the things I said in my brain over and over, and I realize that under the surface, I am an angry person. I am a bitter person. I am an unhappy person. I usually contain these emotions and feeling as best as I can, because I hate crying and I hate feeling this way. I do not wish to cause any harm to any person including myself, but I have yet to find the mechanism for release.

My prayers still feel unanswered. Am I mad at God? I'm not sure...the more I sit and think logically about this, the more I am convinced that the enemy is engaging in spiritual warfare against me. Satan knows that I am trying my hardest to be a better Christian, yet he allows for temptations to barrage me constantly. He wants me to believe I am inadequate as a male, that I cannot burden God with my problems because I am not worthy, and that I am an emotional failure. He constantly goads me into thinking I am not strong enough, and there are easier solutions like 'giving up', or straying away from the Church.

And sometimes I am sad to admit that he wins some battles.

But not the war.

You see, when I am down and out, I have to remind myself (which in the heat of the moment, we all forget) to give glory to God and ask for Christ's deliverence and pray for peace. But I don't. Instead my emotions get the better of me, and when I get on a roll, watch out. I do feel life in unfair, and I do occasionally feel insecure with my salvation, and that the secular world is out to get me.

As my male acquaintence told me last week: "I must be completely broken and submit 100% in order for God to build me back up." I understand what he means, but I haven't yet complied or feel I am in total agreement. Maybe thats my problem to begin with.

Enjoy the Silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world

Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Cant you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Depeche Mode (or as some joke 'Depressed Mode') is one of my favorite bands. Ever.

It's just something about their lyrics that always seem to hit me directly in the heart. One of the few bands that affect me beyond just their sound, but affect me emotionally and seem to speak directly to me, and about me. I hope this doesn't sound to cliche or artsy, but they 'get me'.

I heard this song again the other day, and all I could think of over and over again was to 'Enjoy the Silence'.

Oh, how I long on days for the 'silence'.

That seems to be an oxymoron to me however. I enjoy people, and I don't want to live life as a loner, or to die alone. But I do enjoy more and more frequent episodes of being alone or 'silent' I suppose. People often irritate me, and I'm not sure why. Again...I feel that certain days demand too much of me and all I care or really want is to be isolated and removed from society as a whole. I'm not sure if that just for a half hour, maybe a day, a week, or even longer. Just peace and quiet. No words. No demands. No expectations. No schedules. No responsibility.

What a difference a week makes

Last Friday and going into the weekend, I was at a low point. Spiritually I was stagnant and distracted. Emotionally I was fatigued and spent. Mentally I was sad, frustrated, and angry.

The result: Sunday I broke down. I cried and I cried and I cried. Again, married, with family and friends yet feeling all alone on this big blue marble.

This past week was pretty mundane, though there was some excitement at work yesterday that kept us all busy enough to focus my thoughst on getting the job done and service restored for affected employees. It's when these high stress situation occur, I can look back and realize that all other thoughts and disctrastions are non-existant. Here is where I excel and almost grateful at times. Not that I like stressful situation perse, but the fact is all other bull is not in my mind or heart right then and there.

I woke up this morning realizing I have not taken my 'meds' for almost two weeks. Generally I feel 'okay', but I do have moments dashed with paigns of guilt for not taking them....Like what if I do snap? Am I to blame then because I chose not to take my meds?

The morning started off well enough....I had a nice cup (or two) of 'real' coffee, but unfortunately it didn't last too long. Sometimes I honestly believe my spouse like to argue just for arguements sake. You can actually take and agree with her own position, yet she somehow still makes you feel as if you have to defend yourself. I'm not exactly sure how she does it, but before you know it, she ends up defneding her own contradictory statements to the fact I'm not even sure what I am arguing about. That exasperates me to no end. I love my wife, dearly, but there are time I can honestly say I'm not sure why she brings things up and I guess I wish at times we didn't talk. Not because I don't want to share or speak with my wife, but because before long, I end up getting worked up and confused on what position she actually takes on anything. She is able to 'straddle' the middle almost seamlessly and push buttons you didn't even know you had.

I eventually give up, and in today's case, I just left the house without saying 'good-bye'. I don't like doing that...at all...but I also know if I stay any longer a 'real' argument will ensue, and it'll generally be about nothing due to the fact my wife will attack an idea and then defend it 20 seconds later to where you end up wanting to hit your head up against a wall in mental submission.

I was a little disheartened with some other Christian Blogs I was reading this morning. I was perusing some for some semblance of inspiration, but instead found embarassment. Their opening entries can be very well constructed and thought out and I generally I agree with them. However their responses to other's secular comments drag them right back down in the dirt, or make these blanket 'over-righteous' statements where I can actually see why some secular or non-believers think all Christians are crazy and intolerant. You have to say more to a person than 'I will pray for you'...it makes us sound indignant to the masses and on a pedestal. Our job as Christians is too spred the Word (at least I believe) through humility, grace, love and compassion as we are all to be judged by God, and we are all fallen to sin and corruption on this Earth. Any intelligence and respect I recognize them for goes out the window when they make ludicrous statements to non-believers....You aren't forwarding the cause, even if you mean well in your heart, you're actually damaging the lot of us.

I'm not 100% positive where this last diatribe is comming from, just an observation today and dissapointment in my spiritual brothers and sisters.

Do not Fear

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I couldn't help it. Yesterday I sat in church, in the back row which I usually do...alone. Not just alone in person, but with my thoughts as well. The Enemy struck hard at my spitritual defenses yesterday, as I had already awoken with stress, little sleep, and mounting frustration. By the time I sat down, my mind was everywhere else but on God. Thoughts of insecurity, anger, running away, and sexual matters (to name just a few) were zooming around in my head like a whirlwind and I could feel the tears wanting to well up within my eyes.

And then, this verse came up on the screen, and finally it felt like a hammer found its target right between my eyes. This was to be my verse for the day, and also a realization of my failings.

I couldn't hold back any longer. I cried and was embarrased....and alone in front of my God....broken. Broken is such a weird way to explain it, but I cannot think of any other right now, and to think that I am broken, at least in the head if not in the spirit, is also disturbing. I wonder often as I am sure so many others do, why God allows for mental anxiety and chemical imbalances to any of his children and creations. Perhaps mine is a mild case, but everyone reacts differently and people all have varying degrees of what they can handle before they snap. I feel that my life this last year has been like a rubber band. Somedays it stretches more so than others, but eventually the elasticity begins to wane, or under great pressure, the rubber band does snap.

Yesterday was the accumulation of the prior weeks stressors, and my personal rubber band was stretched to its limit....I just wanted release. Even in Church, where I look for Peace, I recognize that Satan knows he won the week. My spirit was held together with bubble gum and duct tape. I wanted the easy way out, and my eyes were not on God. I was sitting in my pew, angry at everything and everyone and wanting a drink...an alcohol laced one that is. I also had thoughts of sexual desires....temptations....again to get my mind off of God and take the easy road.

It was then again, I read this verse and it sucked all the wind out of my sails....not that I had much to begin with anyway. I was dismayed, I had no more strength, and I did fear. I feared a lot.

After the service I felt the compulsion to talk to someone. A stranger. For my family and my friends, and even my 'shrink' aren't helping me right now. I spoke with a stranger and recounted the last week...my anger, my frustration, my insecurities, my fear....and I broke down. I bawled as he listened, and then he confided within me...that all men, including himself have had very similar circumstances. Perhaps it was the Enemy, or perhaps God wants my attention...despertly enough...that he wishes me to be fully broken in order for me to finally let go and submit to all the issues of the world, so that He can point out that I can't fix these things without His help. I must be broken completely to be built back up. While I do understand this concept, and it does make sense, I wasn't prepared nor sure if I am even now, that this is the course of action that is planned for me.

If it is...then it sucks.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of fear. I am tired of my anger. I am tired of being tired and tired wondering if my prayers are indeed inadequate and if I am actually letting go. I must submit 100%. 95% isn't enough, nor is 98%. It must be 100% or else I haven't completely submitted or given up control...and thus I cannot survive mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Jesus,....Lord.....please uphold me with your righteous hand and rebuild me and let your peace comfort me and be an example to others....to use my own story as a testamonial as I do not wish this pain on anyone.

A little angry today

I'm not sure why I feel as angry as I do today. I'm borderlining on tears again. I just feel so overwhelmed again, like I'm treading water with no life line. Actually, I have a few ideas why I am:

1. I've been off my anti-depressants for almost a week now.
2. My work load has been extremely high lately with a few of my peers not in this week and me picking up much more 'urgent' issues to deal with (which really aren't that urgent, people just think they are the most important thing).
3. My spouse and her money issues and attitude towards them, and towards me regarding them.
4. Uneasy dreams I've been having lately, whether it be about my old job, or apocolyptic in nature, they border on nightmares and I've had one every day this week.

Yes, I'm tired. This past week it feels like I am not getting enough sleep. I go to bed around 11pm and I wake up a few times during the night only to be up by 6am. I think I am averiging about 5-6 hours of sleep along with the psuedo nightmares. The anti-depressents are expensive and many times I forget to take them. Sometimes I don't want to take them, other times I truly do indeed forget.

My dreams have focused on religious matters as of late as well as work. I have dreamed about the end of the end of the world and the salvation of a close friend of mine (who isn't saved), and other violent tendencies. I dream about my previous place of employment and why I cannot let it go. The more times goes on, and I pray about it, the more I feel I was wronged in the whole situation. I am very puzzled why God allowed me to be removed and not to have replaced it with something better. If this is supposed to be some grand learning plan directed for me regarding faith, I feel as if I want to throw in the towel....I don't want to play this game anymore, nor do I want to be tested any longer. Lord, please hear me, I succumb already!! I call 'uncle'!! Please deliver me to peace already!

My spouse and I are also at odds, regarding financial issues. The burdens don't get any easier and she isn't supporting me or us like I think she should. I believe family matters and responsibilities are the priority whereas my wife has an excuse every other time I ask her to help pay for something. That adds to my stress levels and unfortunately sometimes my resentment to our marriage as well, even though I do love her. I feel as if I can barely support myself emotionally let alone someone else who always seems to have an issue as well.

I'm freaking tired and I want to cry.

A day to drink

Today has been a long day, much longer than I expected, and I'm so tempted to cut it short and go home early.

Why?

Well, I'm alone at the office today. One peer is out sick, a second is in training all week, and the 3rd isn't much help to begin with. So of course, today is when all the 'urgent' and 'nutty' issues come out of the woodwork to plague me. I couldn't even enjoy my late lunch without my cell phone ringing to let me know I had to rush back to reset somebody's password.

Funny how everyone think they are the only one with an issue, and theirs is the most important of them all. When someone asks me innocently, "Hey, how you doin'?", I want to be bluntly honest and say "Pretty crappy, thank you. I have a headache, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I feel like I'm drowning in work."

Like the cliche states...When it rains, it pours.

So I have just under two hours left at work, just to go home and do more chores. Today is literally one of those days where there are not enough hours to get anything worthwhile accomplished.

I try to imagine back in biblical times, thousands of years before the telephone, the business PC, commuter traffic, and modern day inventions how people judged they were having a busy day. They say with invention, our lives are to become easier. I'm not sure I agree with that. All I can think of is how much responsibilty I have now and when do I get to take a personal time out to collect my thoughts. I think sometime technology is more a burden and makes socialization to close and tight at times. If we are able to be contacted anywhere, anytime, how much privacy and free time have we sacrificed?

A chance to witness

I've been a little restless in the Spirit the last few days.

Saturday I attended a funeral and was very humbled and reflective on a great many of things.

Sunday found a neighbor of mine exclaiming she had a new job that paid upwards of $17K more a year than she was previously making. Though I am happy for her, it also stung a bit my own sense of pride knowing that was the amount of salary cut I took when I started this temporary job when I lost my previous job. I had to wonder if there was some weird irony that God was trying to point out to me....to see if I truly was happy with my circumstances today. Well, in all honesty, they aren't, and it still paigns me.

My dreams consisted of some less than pleasant memories regarding my old place of employment (why can't I let this go?), and I awoke this morning in silence cognoscent of my eventual unemployment again. How I dread looking for yet another job close to home that will pay what I was used to. Yesterday in church I heard of a testimonial that a gentlemen had been close to bankruptcy with a family including 3 children and was out of work for almost 9 months. I am not that bad, but that sense of doom always hangs over me.

A lot was said to me too in Spirit regarding the fact that the past is the past and cannot be changed, but we must strive for the future. A lesson that I have a very hard time applying to myself. I've always thought to learn from your mistakes, use the past as lessons for the future, hence I have such a hard time not using the past as a measuring stick and therefore it emotionally cripples me.

This morning I arrived at my current job place and was faced with an ongoing dilemma. A peer of mine, while seemingly friendly on the outside, has other motivations including one (for whatever reason) to make my life difficult. Everything is like a test to him when it comes to me, and I admit, sometimes the situation get under my skin and can fester at times. Another peer recognizes this and has had his one dealing, far worse actually than mine when it comes to this other person. Probably not meaning anything by it and making for casual conversation he asked me "Well, what do you do with this type of person?"

The door opened. One that I wasn't even looking for this morning.

I was able to share my own personal insights and offered that perhaps this person is in our lives to teach us a lesson, and if it is a lesson not for us, perhaps it is as simple as we pray for him that one day he may may become a better person himself.

My coworker said it seemed like I was religious and wanted to know if I went to church every week. I said I try to go every week. He then offered to me he wasn't that religious. I just went on to say that even Christians have faults. I explained to him that even by me praying and going to church I still have feelings of anger and bitterness at times. I still get mad and frustrated and swear. I told him that I ask God daily to remove certain thoughts from my head and my heart lest I be pharaoh with a hardened heart. But I shared with him, that I don't always get the answer I want, or peace of mind, saying that God is working with me constantly in His time, not mine. Perhaps I will take all this negativity directed towards me, and instead of praying for me to be delivered, that I would pray for the person victimizing me instead.

My coworker said, "Why should I pray for him when I am sure he doesn't pray for me." I tried to explain to him that Christ commands us to 'Love our enemies' and what we invest here on this earth is an investment in the afterlife. It's not about tit for tat, but of forgiveness. Not so much was I a witness to this person, but hearing my own words echoing back to me and pointing out how hard it has been for me to forgive those I felt have done me wrong.

Our conversation didn't last overly long, and there were some more parables I was trying to explain. But in the end I felt a little good. A little good I was able to plant a seed in this mans life and that I got to share my insights on being a Christian and not embarrassed by it.

Dealings with death

Earlier this week I wrote about death, and my fasciantion with it and I never really got to the meat of the matter.

I am attending a funeral tomorrow for a 31 year old young man.

He passed unexpectedly a few days after Christmas.

His father is a very important figure in my life, and had many dealings with me over the years on spirituality, and helped me comes to terms with other low points in my life including some early symptoms of depression.

I wish somehow, someway, I could return the favor. The best I can think of right now is to attend the funeral in respect though I didn't know his son very well.

Though I have yet to speak to the family, I have heard through thr grapevine that they are doing as well as can be expected I suppose, but feel comforted that their son is now in paradise, seeing that they are a strong Christian family.

I wish I could say in all honesty that's were all good people go and those that are saved in Christ's name, and feel that comfort. I'm sure thats exactly where this young man is and I have mixed feelings about thsi whole situation. I seem divided on happiness, sadness, and envy.

Of course I am sad for the parents, especially my mentor. Who wants to bury their own child? I'm also bothered that he can't share any further the things we take for granted here on earth...a nice 5 star meal, the next sunset, a good book or movie, the embrace of a lovers touch.

I'm also happy that he passed supposedly quickly, not knowing the horrors of cancer and the emotional turmoil of a terminal prognosis. No more watching the crappy news and see how thsi world is falling apart. No day to day struggles, no more secular competition atteh job place and wondering how the future is going to play out.

I'm also envious. Envious that he knows no more pain and doesn't need to care about the trivial things anymore. He's in the presence of of pure joy and our Creator. He has begun his journey and reward of everlasting love and peace with God, something I cannot even comes to grips with but so desperately want.

I'm crying now, and I'm not sure why. My tears are of pain and lonliness and of envy. Of course I want to live to see the next day, but I also just realized how tired I am of everything again. I can only use 1/10th of my brain now to maybe idealize what paradise may be like and yet I know I cannot even come close.

God does not want us to be said, nor to mourn, but be joyous of life now and for our brothers and sisters in heaven.

I cannot decide how to feel, other than helpless.

Tired and looking for a pick-me-up

Last night I didn't sleep very well, and then this morning I didn't want to get up at all or go to work. I'm afraid sometimes to call in sick and take a 'personal day', especially since we just had the holidays and I already experienced short weeks.

Anyway, I stared at the TV until at least midnight, woke up every few hours, and finally was up by 6:30am. I figured I averaged maybe 5.5 hours last night of slumber, and I just stared at the alarm clock watching time tick by until the inevitable....getting up out of my cozy bed and going to a job where I am not treated as an equal or have many friends.

A vast difference from my old job where I got along with most everybody. Now it seems I punch in and punch out, and many of the perks and social interactions are now absent in my life. I also feel as if this is a dual edged sword. I miss my friends, some of the excitement, but I also like the 'alone' factor at times and the ability to detach myself more easily. With less friends here, I do find myself more productive and less involved in certain drama, but at times also bored.

I took a long lunch today, and I don't think anybody noticed. Usually it's just an hour long, but I was able to stretch it to about 1.5 hours, maybe a bit more. I enjoyed a nice lunch, able to read, and enjoy a some nice tea.

This morning was unusually busy for me with 'urgent', yet not-really-urgent issues. It was a little hectic, and I was happy to leave for lunch.

Tea is underated. I had a very nice Ice Tea infused rose petals. It had a unique taste; bold and mellow and fresh all at the same time. It was a gourmet tea, and I pretended it 'cleansed' away the toxins of sin and worry and depression from my soul.

I went to Costco thereafter, not sure I was going to buy myself anything. In the end I didn't, but I was tempted to buy a CD or DVD or book or software or some electronic thingy. Then I realized that 'buying' something usually makes me feel happier whether I need it or not. I remember watching various news stories over the years about compulsive shoppers, who buy just to 'buy', for that small does of euphoria that follows. It really isn't materialism I think, not in the bad sense. I'm not sure what it is really, but it seems to release endorphins or seratonin to buy something new.

I didn't want to go back to work thereafter. I was so tempted just to sit in a lounge chair by myself at Costco. To feel the air conditioning on my skin and sit in a comfy chair and not be bothered by anyone, and not to return to work. I imagined myself reading, or playing a game again, my mind detached from the present reality. I imagined sitting at home watching a movie or playing with my dog, or just going to bed. I also imagine have a delicious one-of-a-kind dinner right now. To be caught up in the moment of tasting something so delicious.

I was thinking of when I get depressed, what are the kind of things that pick me up:

• I love strategy games. I usually have to play solo ones or against a computer becuase most of my friends don't like anything to complicated.
• I like to buy little gadgets. Little toys or cool little gizmos.
• I like to experience new cuisines and drinks. Something out of the ordinary to tantalize my taste buds and really savor the flavor and experience.
• I enjoy reading. To be alone lost in a fictious world for a period of time.
• Working with my hands whether it be cooking, wood-working, building or repairing something.
• Learning. I enjoy trivia and like to understand how things work, how they interact, how things are designed and intended to be used, the history behind them.
• Lastly, I'm afraid to admit I like to have a few drinks. They say alcohol is a depressent, and I agree. I usually don't feel to good in the long run after drinking and sometimes it does bring repressed emotions to the surface, some I don't wish to experience. But the taste of a nice micro-brew and it altering effects are indeed desireable at times.

Later today I go to see a 'shrink'. I've been thinking about our little get togther the last two days and I have no idea where I am to start today. It seems today I just don't care about a lot of things. The last time I saw my 'shrink' I cried for a bit, and the time before that I was angry. So, I've been angry then sad, and today indifferent. Isn't the human mind a funny thing?

Some thoughts on death (part I)

Man, in most cases, is afraid of the unknown. The afterlife is something (at least if you are a believer of) we all think about, and I suppose even atheists will have to come to terms with it once their physical shell dies and yet are still conscious to recognize they were wrong and there is something else after all.

Personally, I am fascinated by death. Not in a gory way, but probably not in a healthy way either. I recognize that all things must come to an end, and some people come to terms or to peace about it an an early age, others not until old age. Some don't have time to think about it all or even recognize it, such as infants, and yet others are never prepared for it as it may strike at anytime, always believing they have years left when in fact they don't.

Since an early age I was always intrigued about mummification and Egyptology and as I grew I began to understand the separation of life here on this plane and that of which God and Christ promise, yet for as great as it sounds, I'd be lying to say I wasn't scared at times.

Yet at others times I do find an odd 'peace' about death. Many people who are depressed, ill, spiritually corrupt, or given up hope look forward to death and may live their life so recklessly they ensure themselves a quicker death or even contemplate suicide. I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is a mortal sin as defined by Catholicism, ensuring you spend eternity in damnation. I believe God understands our hearts and our mind, and while He may proclaim this is the ultimate act of selfishness, he also loves us like we have yet to experience.

I believe that God loves me and that Jesus forgives me. I believe they want me to show obedience in my time here on earth, and request that that turn my burdens over to them when times get tough. And I am afraid to hurt myself. What if I screw it up? What if I live after all in more pain than I am in now? What if it is indeed a mortal sin that I have not interpreted correctly and thus ensuring a one way ticket to Hades, and eventually hell?

But when times are tough, I do wish it would all end. I'm not sure what I mean by that either in all honesty. There are times I wish I could just fall asleep, if you will, and never again wake up. I get so tired of things in my life. It seems that for every bright spot, there seems to be a few dark spots that weigh me down. And unfortunately it seems as if the dark spots are much more numerous than the bright spots.

So why am I thinking about this today? For one, it's finally 2007 and time for a fresh start and a new outlook. 2006 was miserable. I'm glad its over and I never want to repeat it. If I could I'd try an wipe 2006 from my memory, well at least 95% of it. There were a few good things I suppose, but it seems like I can only count them on one hand.

I saw the hanging of Saddam Hussein today on an internet video. I remember a few years back when Americans were captured by terrorists and they beheaded them. I never saw those, nor do I ever want to. It shames me to even think about others watching those deaths take place the way they did. Yet, I sought out the video of Saddams execution, wondering where exactly he went that instant. Most of us would judge in our hearts that he went immediately to Hades to await final judgment and cast into hell someday, but that all that is to us....a guess. Perhaps Saddam had a change of heart in his last moments. Only God knows that. I found it quite puzzling that some of his last words were 'not to let hate enter your hearts and not to be mad at the occupiers of Iraq because that led to a closed mind'. Was that the ramblings of a mad man who is disillusioned, or did he change his last few days or weeks in this realm?

Oddly I feel indifferent in regards to his execution. However, I was intrigued to know he was alive one second, and the next instant his soul was liberated and was now either in paradise or in torment. And to think of all the other people who every moment of everyday suddenly pass, and find themselves in the same predicament who may not nearly will ever been close to being as cruel as Saddam. Maybe the sheer mistake was not to believe at all...given hundreds if not thousands of chances to accept Christ as the savior.

Are you one of those people?

Am I?