A Bad Week

The last week, especially the last few days has been an emotional effort for me. It doesn't really help that it is cold and rainy outside as well, and that my spouse is out of town.

I've been more tired than usual. It could be a combination of a few different things, or none at all, but I am having a harder time waking up in the morning, I'm falling asleep earlier, and my sleep has been more sound and heavy. I relayed this to my wife over the phoen and she thinks I should go see a doctor and have my blood checked. She's probably right, but at the same time, I look at this as just another added chore and burden as of late to an already existing long list I really don't want to acknowledge.

My spiritual struggle has also been hard the last few days as well. There seems to be a lot in the news regarding Jesus (James Cameron's new documentary as one example), and my mind drifts into prayer and looking for consoltation within God, but as seems to be the case lately, God seems silent. I've been taking some stock in recent thoughts and activities and once again I realize that as hard as I try to live in accordance on how Christ wants me to, I falter more times than I'd like to admit. Feelings of guilt, anger, bitterness, hate both towards myself and also the outside world are abundant.

I often wish I were younger, harkening back to earlier times where the trials and tribulations of the world didn't seem as rough.

As what often happens to me, it appears that when it rains....it pours.

I have been unhappy with work again lately, not the actual work itself, but I find myself in conflict with an individual who always appears to come out 'rosey' when in fact this person is very manipulative and duplicitous. Saying one thing to my face, yet acting out against me when I am not present. Again, I am surrounded by people who recognize this, but appear to be scared or do not wish to get involved in my defense lest this appears to be a bad mark against them in the corporate world. It's a foreboding sense that I just cannot win no matter how hard I try to persever, as if the enemy knows I am already fragile and wishes to kick me when I am down, repeatedly until I submit and get angry with God who does not seem to be present. Purposely inflicting doubt within me, and I am brave enough to admit that I am indeed weak, and doubt has entered my mind more often that I would like.

I see the secular world and recognize that it is an easier path. Not to care, not to sacrafice, not to get involved....to have fun, to drink, to let my mouth loose on the masses. Yet my internal spirit cries out 'No'....this is wrong and not pleasing to God or in accordance with his word. It's what the world wants...it wants to see me fail and welcome me back in its lies and deceit.

So the stress of my job and the people I interface with is one facet. Then there's home life, and financials, and the thought of family and children and I get depressed. Very depressed. I feel the world in general owes me an apology, yet at the same time I curse at it and what I have allowed myself to become; a former shell of myself. A man going through the motions of life often wondering if heaven will indeed be a better place and when can I get there.

I sit here now, noticing that I am taking very deep breaths....pretending I am elsewhere....mentally detached from what I am physically grounded to. I want to place my head down...I want to go home and crawl into bed....I so want to cry, but I am not positive what I want to cry about. I feel fractured and alone. People want to help me, want to pray for me, want to wave their magic wands and make it all better....to the person I once was. Don't you think I want that too? Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and make it all better, that I would have already done so?

Statistically speaking, my biological life is half over. God I hope this present state isn't an idicator for the remaining half.