Last Friday and going into the weekend, I was at a low point. Spiritually I was stagnant and distracted. Emotionally I was fatigued and spent. Mentally I was sad, frustrated, and angry.
The result: Sunday I broke down. I cried and I cried and I cried. Again, married, with family and friends yet feeling all alone on this big blue marble.
This past week was pretty mundane, though there was some excitement at work yesterday that kept us all busy enough to focus my thoughst on getting the job done and service restored for affected employees. It's when these high stress situation occur, I can look back and realize that all other thoughts and disctrastions are non-existant. Here is where I excel and almost grateful at times. Not that I like stressful situation perse, but the fact is all other bull is not in my mind or heart right then and there.
I woke up this morning realizing I have not taken my 'meds' for almost two weeks. Generally I feel 'okay', but I do have moments dashed with paigns of guilt for not taking them....Like what if I do snap? Am I to blame then because I chose not to take my meds?
The morning started off well enough....I had a nice cup (or two) of 'real' coffee, but unfortunately it didn't last too long. Sometimes I honestly believe my spouse like to argue just for arguements sake. You can actually take and agree with her own position, yet she somehow still makes you feel as if you have to defend yourself. I'm not exactly sure how she does it, but before you know it, she ends up defneding her own contradictory statements to the fact I'm not even sure what I am arguing about. That exasperates me to no end. I love my wife, dearly, but there are time I can honestly say I'm not sure why she brings things up and I guess I wish at times we didn't talk. Not because I don't want to share or speak with my wife, but because before long, I end up getting worked up and confused on what position she actually takes on anything. She is able to 'straddle' the middle almost seamlessly and push buttons you didn't even know you had.
I eventually give up, and in today's case, I just left the house without saying 'good-bye'. I don't like doing that...at all...but I also know if I stay any longer a 'real' argument will ensue, and it'll generally be about nothing due to the fact my wife will attack an idea and then defend it 20 seconds later to where you end up wanting to hit your head up against a wall in mental submission.
I was a little disheartened with some other Christian Blogs I was reading this morning. I was perusing some for some semblance of inspiration, but instead found embarassment. Their opening entries can be very well constructed and thought out and I generally I agree with them. However their responses to other's secular comments drag them right back down in the dirt, or make these blanket 'over-righteous' statements where I can actually see why some secular or non-believers think all Christians are crazy and intolerant. You have to say more to a person than 'I will pray for you'...it makes us sound indignant to the masses and on a pedestal. Our job as Christians is too spred the Word (at least I believe) through humility, grace, love and compassion as we are all to be judged by God, and we are all fallen to sin and corruption on this Earth. Any intelligence and respect I recognize them for goes out the window when they make ludicrous statements to non-believers....You aren't forwarding the cause, even if you mean well in your heart, you're actually damaging the lot of us.
I'm not 100% positive where this last diatribe is comming from, just an observation today and dissapointment in my spiritual brothers and sisters.
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