Restless Night

Funny how things change on a dime.

Despite what I wrote yesterday in which my emotional state was more or less nuetral to upbeat, overnight my thoughts once again turned to paranoia and concern.

Despite some recent activity on the job search front....in which I go on interviews that seem promising...only to be held in a current 'holding pattern' on updates just goes to prove to me that my patience has not yet been dealt with.

After numerous days, weeks, months, years even of asking God to help me deal with timing and patience issues, I only awake to learn that I don't have any. Patience that is, and I become a nervous wreck letting my mind get the best of me.

I dreamt of my old job again this morning, and many emotions came to the forefront once I woke up. Once again I felt sad and alone, cheated, and discouraged. I wondered about the future, how will I survive? How will I make ends meet? What does my wife think of me? Have I failed her and my family and myself? I swear I try....I don't want to give up, yet I do think of giving up from time to time. All this effort....for nothing.

Though my wife lay down next to me, sleeping peacufully, I could not help the tears forming in my eyes of being scared of the future. I wanted to feel her touch, to just let me know she was there and everything was okay, but she had to get up early herself and go to work.

I tried to share my thoughts with her, to let her know I needed prayer today, that I needed affirmation I was trying and all was going to be okay. Instead I got: "You have no pateince." Something I am quite aware of and don't need reminding of. Instead of getting comfort, I was reminded of my short commings and doing my best to internalize my feelings and pull myself together. As I am trying to do write now as I type out this entry.

I pray that God has a wonderful plan for me for the future, that someday I can look back on this dark time and rejoice that He has made it better and He saw me through all this. Funny how I claim to have faith the He will, but at the same time I don't hold my breath as yet another tear rolls down my face and I hide myself from my current co-workers.