A Series of Events (Part I) - Prologue

This past weekend was met with mixed results for yours truly. There were some very happy moments, and there were also a few unpleasant ones as well.

Sunday specifically led the charge of both extreme personal highs and emotional lows in which I am still trying to digest and wrap my brain around in conjunctuion with Christ's words on peace, grace, and calming my inner spirit.

Let me first start by saying that after almost two weeks of various allergy medications that have messed with me in more ways than one, my rash or 'hives' finally seem to be under control. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here before, but back in 2006 I developed a very serious skin rash. Something I never had never experienced before and it scared me as well as being very miserable on both a physical and emotional level.

We were on vacation when my body began to swell up. My skin developed 'hives' of such an intense nature my skin felt as if it were on fire....literally radiating heat to the touch and causing extreme discomfort with the persistant 'itchiness' of it all. Since we were on vacation at the time, my local doctor was nowhere to be had. I ended up going to an emergency room in a far off city to have injections of ephedrine and cortisone and placed on a knee-jerk perscription of anti-inflammatories, anti-histimines, and anti-itch meds. They had a very limited effect at the time and I suffered for the next few days until I could return home and see my regular doctor, who in turn recommended me to a dermatologist.

The dermatologist took two skin biopsies from my leg and blood samples and sent them off for testing. While my hives did not get any worse, I was not really improving either. And to be quite honest, I sorta looked like a walking freakshow. You wouldn't believe the stares I was getting, and the swelling did temproarily disfigure my face. My forehead and bridge of my nose was so bad, it looked as if my eyes shifted an additional inch away from each other.

My blood work came back as did the biopsy reports a few days later, and both can back negative. I suppose that's the good news....no wierd tropical disease or cancer or virus. However, the bad news was that no one had an explanation as to what brought it on or even had a guess to what I may have had. I have never in my life had that before and we all sat around scratching our heads as to what may have been the trigger.

That was May of 2006. It is now June 2008 and I can tell you I have had the incident repeat itself a total of 5-6 additional times. I have since seen an allergist and have had my blood tested again and a full work up of allergy tests (skin scrapes). My blood still tests negative (normal), and allergy tests have only confirmed what I already knew....a few certain foods, some grasses, weeds, molds, etc. that most people are allergic to anyway and didn't seem to be a trigger for it.

Fortunately it has never been as bad as the initial time and I have learned how to detect the onset (feelings) at its earliest stages so I can attempt a premeditated strike of medications. I can't stop it, but I have learned how to lessen its impact and try to become as comfortable as I can under the circumstances.

The various doctors I have been seeing 'think' they may now know what I have: Chronic Uticaria. I say 'think' because they are not 100% positive, bit nothing else fits the symptoms right now. The bad news is there really is no effective cure, nor does science know exactly what causes it. So it appears that I developed a condition out of nowhere in May 2006 and will be subject to it the remainder of my natural life...with tons of pills in plastic containers ready to take at a moments notice. God forbid I get another illness and have to combine even more drugs.

The symptoms today: swollen hands and some facial swelling, itchiness of the scalp and hands, some discomfort in normal breathing, and probably the most visible cue - red 'splotches' on my head, neck, arms, thighs, sides of body and can include my hands and feet, and at times, radiate heat.

Here are a few things I have to do: stay cool and out of direct sun for long periods of time. No extreme physical exertion (no gym, no intense labor, avoid projects that I have to use my hands alot), watch my stress levels and blood pressure, try an avoid scratching as best I can when I itch. Take cool showers. Take anti-histamines. Take anti-inflamatories. Take steroids.

So you're probably wondering why I am going into all this detail now. Well, I suppose I'm just giving you some background information on me to help set up my next few posts about this weekend.

To be continued....

A few minor changes

Depending on how much you visit here, you may or may not have noticed a few minor additions and changes.

I've made a few color changes to the sidebar just to 'spice' things up a bit, hopefully to add a little life and pizzaz to my thoughts.

I also added a picture of Christ. There are so many beautiful pictures of Jesus out there, most of them reflecting a long haired man in a serene pose with his arms either oustretched as if to say "Welcome my child", or looking down with his head slightly tilted down to one side that sort of reflects a certain humbleness yet authority of being King of kings.

I chose the one I did because it was a close up of Him looking right at you, nothing else to get in the way but His connection with you. I also like the muted sepia like colors and its worn look.

Finally in case anyone is interested, I also added a subcription feed button that will notify the reader when a new post/entry or comment is updated here. By selecting the appropriate button, you can then add a 'feed' to one of the more popular 'subscription readers' available. I've never used one before so I don't know excatly how it works. Please let me know what you think.

In other news, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. My wife had dinner with her mother and sister yesterday and got home later than I expected....I actually thought they were having lunch, not dinner, but I'm sure I heard wrong. The nice thing was my wife brought me home dinner, one of my favorite meals, though I wish she would have called me earlier to let me know because when she got home I was eating leftovers anyways. But the fact is she thought of me which I guess is a nice surprise.

She didn't go into much detail, but indicated her sister was lecturing her. I didn't want to press matters or inquire as to what, but I can guess. I imagine her sister may have raised some concerns that a few people have noticed the last few months in regards to her recent behaviors. I didn't ask her sister to do so, but I'm not going to turn down the outside help either. Her sister once confided in me not that long ago that she was a little concerned about my wife priorities in general and the way she acts towards me on occassion. That was nice to hear on one hand, that someone may have finally noticed and at least gave me some inkling that all this 'stuff' isn't just me be overly sensitive. It also bothered me too, because it appears my ability to contain it and put on a happy-smiley face is always working, and now her side of the family must know that things aren't as rosey as them may first seem.

I dunno. Time will tell and I continue to pray for a more positive future, however, past experience also resulted in a short period of being nice only to revert to the standard ways in a few weeks.

Other than that little blurb on the radar from yesterday, I strangely feel somewhat calm and at peace today. Work is very quiet which is nice and I imagine this weekend will afford me some time to finally relax at home and maybe play some games I've been wanting to play.

I'm even looking forward to my men's support/bible study group this Saturday too.

Getting up early

Yesterday was a very busy day at work. It was both nice and tiring at the same time.

It was nice on the one hand as the day went by relatively fast, and I have always tended to work well under pressure. I usually perform well when pushed up against a wall or deadline...not usre why, just do.

On the other hand, between my cold sore and other medicines, I alternate between feeling wired and wiped out. Like my body is on cruise control and I'm not 100% in control of the gas pedal.

I came home yesterday to discover my wife was already home. She said she had not been feeling well but was nice enough to make me dinner. I did a few chores outside, helped clean up the kitchen a bit, and had to work on my PC to remove the malware that had infected it earlier this week.

I had a strange dream last night. One that I am not proud of, but can't help but wonder why my subconcious has been working over time and clearly I have some issues that need to be worked on.

Basically I dreamed I met another woman who was in love with me, and promised and appeared to be everything I first thought about my own wife. In my 'dream state', I had the comforting and secure feeling that this 'other' woman wanted to have a child with me...actually looked forward to attempting a family. She was also very nice and polite and was open about attending church. She didn't smoke, nor did she make social drinking a priority with neighbors and friends.

In my dream I was 'tempted' to have an affair, but as much as I knew this 'woman' was everything I thought I wanted, I also explained to her that I had made a contract with God on my current marriage vows....and became slighty disheartened in knowing that I could not be with her. I could not break those vows no matter how discouraged and frustrated and hurt I can get at times. I imagined a life with my wife whom I love.....but always feel I will come in second place.....or I move ahead with a new relationship and perhaps someday be able to be happy with this 'dream' person who I knew put me first for a change.

When I did wake up early this morning, I had that gnawing feeling of shame in my head for these subliminal dreams, and yet I do not want to discuss them at all with my wife. I wonder if all this is just a build up from the last few days and my imagination is getting the best of me.

A new round of tests and counseling (Part IV)

It's been over a week, probably closer to two since I last posted. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's more or less a result of being a little lazy and other stressors in my life that stop me from sitting down and composing my thoughts.

The last week has been a whirlwind, at least to me.....our water heater needed to be replaced after we discovered a leak in our garage. Needless to say it ended up being very complicated and not easy and we were without hot water for about 3 days. So it was cold showers, no dishes, and limited laundry. Never really realized how much we depend on that thing afterall.

It has also been exceedingly hot in our area, easily breaking 100 degrees this past Friday through Sunday, and I'm sure with a combination of stress and the high temperatures my 'hives' were in full bloom. I've been taking a lot or Predisone for that and anti-histamines. In addition, I developed a very nasty looking cold-sore/fever-sore and my gums ache.

Saturday my wife invited a bunch of neighbors over for a BBQ without asking me first...I really wasn't in the mood, but she's already asked and people committed. That irritates me as well....she knows I have a rash, we have no hot water, and I've barely slept....but who cares about my input? Let's have a BBQ anyway. When she was preparing the meat for the BBQ, I wanted to make a simple suggestion on how to tie it up. I was actually trying to be helpful, but instead I got snapped at: "I KNOW how to season a pork butt..." I just shut up and walked away....funny thing is, I wasn't even talking about seasoning...I was gonna talk about tying it up. It's moments like these I just wonder why I am where I am, and I just need to walk away.

Is it wrong to feel that I wish karma would bite my own wife in the rear once in a while? I feel ashamed for thinking that way, and it isn't very Christian like at all....but I sometimes....I just wish she's get knocked down a peg or two by someone else to know how it feels when people are just trying to help. I could go on and on about this too....I think it's the absence of the Holy Spirit in her life that tends to make her nasty at times when she talks to me. She doesn't talk this way to her friends and neighbors, or even her parents.....it just seems to be me.

Lastly, my PC got some malware installed (my fault) which basically made my computer unusabel unless I installed some anti-spyware software from a fraudulant internet based company that ended up charging me $86 when it was only supposed to be $39. That's just another thing I have to battle with the CC company and hopefully get a refund.

So, I haven't had much time or desire for anything else....including attending church. I stayed home Sunday morning and just sat and watched TV, walked my dog early (before the heat kicked in again), stayed on my various meds, and tried to enjoy the silence.

When I get cranky, and my patience is alrady at a low, I don't understand why the universe feels the need to make sure my phones rings nonstop for the dumbest reasons. I had telemarketers calling me all day Sunday, plus my mother has an uncanny ability to sense when something is wrong and will call all day long, unrelenting until I pick up. I wish she'd get the hint once in a while that I need my solitude and I don't always want to talk about things when it's convienent for everyone else. I find it tedious, tiresome, and highly irritable.... Then my wife asks why I'm being an ass. Well, I'm being an ass I suppose because everyone can't give me any space when I need it. Why don't people realize that I am not feeling well, hot, on various medications, have a skin rash, can't do laundry and dishes, have a cold sore, not sleeping well....and they want to know why I'm not more upbeat.

So I haven't gone in to take my treadmill 'stress' test yet. I keep putting it off. I have also put off the second round of marriage-counseling at the church that my wife won't attend. I debate whether it really does any good or not....if my wife doesn't want to go, or continues to live in denial, what good is it for me to go solo? I feel it's just an uphill battle that I'll end up losing emotionally anyway not to mention suck up a few hours of time. The last time I went, it may have been therapuetic....but I really didn't get the sense the peson I was talking too cared all that much. I mean how could they after they meet with me only 2 times at 1 hour each and my wife wasn't there to express her side? I look back and think the whole experience was like talking to a brick wall. So there's a part of me that hasn't followed up because I just don't see the point.

A new round of tests and counseling (Part III)

I always find that the typical 'lines of communication' between my wife and I are often reversed by most stereotypical standards. Meaning, my wife often plays the role of the stubborn male who doesn't want to talk about things, clam-up, and eventually pretend it didn't happen, whereas I on the other hand don't like the silent treatment and look for the 'fix' now so I can move on and not dwell on it. I honestly feel in my heart I am the more open of the two of us, much more willing to admit my own faults and seek and dole out foregiveness when the time is right.



I came home that night fully expecting to be questioned when she walked in the door, but instead was more or less ignored the first hour or so. I personally haven't decided if I like this general reaction or not. Sometimes I feel like there is an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about....other times I'm thankful nothing is being said as I am just too tired or mentally/emotionally exhausted to go another round.



Speaking of 'rounds', it also often seems to me that our 'discussions', if you will, are only given attention when she wants to, not me. Myabe that sounds nit-picky on my behalf, but I've come to realize that she often sets the terms on when we 'discuss' issues....when she's up to it or wants to, not me.



Surprisngly, by the end of the night she was speaking to me again, but never once referred to the previous few days of tension. She also never asked me once on how the doctor visit went either. My own stubborn and wounded ego wasn't going to offer it up either if not asked. I'm not going to tell my wife I am experiencing mild panic attacks, crying in front of my doctor, and especially being hooked up to an EKG machine if she didn't care.



The next few days seemed to get much better, although some of her occasional comments come across as a mild irritant or back handed slap on occassion. They do sting me on the inside, and I'm very aware of what she says to who, but I try very hard not to let on and look like it bothers me. Why provide more fuel to the fire?

I'm starting to lose my train of thought here, so perhaps I'll close this entry today. It's as if my thought, while coherent in the here and now, aren't going to make sense or flow logically as I continue.

Suffice to say, I feel better today than I have the last few days, but I'm not 100% sure why. My wife and I nevere really seem to achive a resolution to our 'issues'...they just seem to keep getting shelved from time to time until one is brave enough to go on the attack, or perhaps muster enough courage and strength to put the defenses and say "Okay, take your shot now while I have a moment of actual interest to defend myself."

This medicine just wipes me out.

A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)

I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.

I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.

I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.

Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.

He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.

He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.

And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.

He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)

Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.

We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.

Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.

To be continued....

A new round of tests and counseling (Part I)

With my hives out of control (I'm now convinced that they are indeed related to my ungodly stress level) I left work early to see my doctor. Surprisingly I weighed in a bit less than I thought I was going to...a diet consisting of worry and heartache can do wonders for the waistline.

I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.

The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.

Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.

"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."

It just hung out there for a minute.

"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."

"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.

"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."

I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.

"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."

He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.

I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.

It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.

I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.

I'm off to meet him....

to be continued.....

A new low

I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.

First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.

When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.

Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.

Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.

My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.

This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.

My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?

I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.

Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.

Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? Part III

Here is the conclusion of the 3 part article by Maia Szalavitz. Part III:

Other Factors

Unfortunately, most of these results failed to be replicated when researchers looked for them again. “People find predictors of response all the time but they are almost never replicated,” says Roy Perlis, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Genetic diversity may complicate the story. For example, one gene associated with positive response to antidepressants in whites was associated with lack of response in Japanese and Korean people.

The environment matters too—one study found that people who had been abused in childhood were less likely to respond to medicationsand more likely to be helped by talk therapy.

To complicate matters even further, it’s not just brain genes that affect drug response, but also a system of enzymes in the liver in which there is also great genetic variation.

For example, the enzyme CYP450 2D6 metabolizes Prozac and some related drugs and there are numerous variants of this one enzyme alone that can affect the way these drugs work. People whose 2D6 breaks down Prozac too fast may get no effect from ordinary dosages of the drug. Conversely, those whose enzyme works slowly may have severe side effects even at low dosages. A genetic test that is now commercially available can determine which variant someone has— but there’s another wrinkle.

Dietary factors significantly affect the actions of various enzymes. You may have heard of grapefruit juice negatively affecting the impact of drugs, but char-broiled meat, broccoli, star fruit, alcohol and tobacco also affect the response to medications. In addition, interactions between numerous medications can make things even less predictable.

“For the majority of people, these tests are not useful for antidepressant prescribing,” Perlis concludes. However, for people with bipolar disorder or psychotic depression who use antipsychotic medications, the tests can be important, particularly in terms of preventing serious side effects.

“It’s a nice idea,” concludes Tranter. “A lot of people are very interested in using genetics to predict the response to medication, but it’s too early to know what it will yield.”

Treating Depression Step By Step

But although trial and error and doctors’ clinical intuition are still all we really have to go on in antidepressant choice, a large study examining treatment of depression in real-world practice found that most people did benefit significantly by the end of the trial. Unlike a clinical trial, which usually just compares a drug to placebo or another drug, this trial involved trying different drugs sequentially if the first ones didn’t work for particular patients.

“Two-thirds got better by the end of the steps,” says Madhukar Trivedi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. “And by better, I mean that almost all the symptoms were gone—they were in remission. Not just showing improvement.”

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? (Part II)

Continuing an article by Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness, Part II:



A Complex Challenge: Finding the Right Drug


So, how can you find an antidepressant that will work, not make you feel worse? That’s the billion dollar question that pharmaceutical companies, psychiatrists and researchers are racing to answer.


The complexities, however, are daunting. A large proportion of human genes code for brain development and function, and they interact in complex ways not only with each other, but with environmental influences like stress, parenting and social support.


One intriguing study by Tranter and colleagues involved giving antidepressants to healthy people. The study compared the results of a drug similar to Prozac, which affects the serotonin system in the brain, to the effects of another drug, which affects the norepinephrine system.
Serotonin—a neurotransmitter that sends messages from one brain cell to another—is involved with regulating mood. Norepinephrine (also called noradrenaline) helps mediate attention and the brain’s response to stress. The antidepressants in the study affect these transmitters by keeping them activated for longer than usual.


“One of the effects of [the Prozac-like drug] was what you might call a ‘serenic’ effect,” Tranter says. “It’s this feeling of being aware of stressful things going on, but they don’t bother you much.”


Some people liked this effect—as did the people around them, who found them easier to get along with. Others, however, reported this same experience, but found it unpleasant. “They felt disconnected from their emotions, unpleasantly numb, and they didn’t like it at all,” Tranter says.


The participants in Tranter’s study had been given personality tests beforehand. Some of the traits measured on these tests are strongly influenced by genetics, reflecting inborn temperamental differences.


People who liked one of the drugs tended to dislike the other—and those high in a trait called “harm avoidance,” (basically, a sense of caution and worry) typically preferred the norepinephrine-affecting drug and disliked the serotonin drug.


Other studies have found possible links between particular genes and particular responses:
A gene associated with men’s ability to control anger was found to triple the risk that men would develop suicidal thoughts if given the drug citalopram (Celexa). The long version of a serotonin gene associated with the risk of developing depression following early life trauma was associated with a better or faster response to Prozac-like drugs, compared to the shorter version of that gene.Another serotonin-related gene was found to affect whether or not people experienced negative sexual side effects from one of these medications. Variations in genes for one of the brain’s opioid receptors have also been associated with positive responses to citalopram (Celexa).



Next: Part III

Miracle Drug, Poison or Placebo? (Part I)

This entry will be broken up into three parts. It's actually a copy of an article by Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness.

Here is Part I:

Modern antidepressants have been blamed for deadly shooting rampages and violent suicides. At the same time, they’ve been hailed as miracle drugs that transform baleful Eeyore-types into bouncing Tiggers.

Now the latest review of the research claims that the effects of the drugs are only marginally different from those of placebos or sugar pills.

It seems impossible that the same substances in the same dosage ranges could simultaneously be poison, miracle drug and placebo. But the diversity of responses is remarkable—and it points to the possibilities and pitfalls of personalized medicine.

For example, Stacy*, a 48-year-old woman who works in public relations in Ohio, describes her experience with Zoloft like this: “It felt like water after being in the desert. It wasn't an experience of elation or anything bi-polar … I'm far happier, more confident, far more relaxed.”

Lisa*, a 33-year-old business consultant from Maryland, had experienced severe suicidal thoughts as early as kindergarten. She says of taking Effexor, “My entire life is different and I finally feel like a normal person with normal emotions. These days I can honestly say I am a happy, well adjusted person.”

But JoAnne*, a 35 year-old educator and dancer living in the Washington, D.C. area, reported that both Zoloft and Prozac produced muscle weakness and excessive sweating—and no benefits.
And Bernice*, a 53-year-old science journalist in California, described her experience with a Prozac-like antidepressant this way: “It made me feel disconnected from myself and my family, so that I no longer felt any empathy and did not really care what happened to them or to me. It was a terrifying sensation of flatness and I definitely felt depressed and hostile in a way that I had never felt before.”

Bizarre experiences abound as well: Bernice had “a vivid nightmare of being shot in the head,” and the sensation she felt of dripping blood did not immediately disappear on awakening. Others report elimination of sexual desire, weight loss, weight gain, heart palpitations and elevated blood pressure.

(*not their real names)

Same Drug, Different Results

How can similar—or even identical—drugs have such different effects? The explanation sheds light on some of the key questions that complicate research on depression and emphasizes the need for a science of personalized medicine.

“These are average changes,” explains Richard Tranter, M.D., consultant psychiatrist with the North West Wales NHS Trust in Great Britain. “They may actually mask wide variations in how individuals are responding.”

“If you look at a large scale trial,” Tranter continues, “You may get a slight shift overall. That could mean on the whole, everyone is a little bit better compared to placebo but it could also mean that within the group, some did really, really well and some did OK and some got worse, but overall, it looks like a small shift in the right direction.”

Two other complications are noted by psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Listening to Prozac. First, early data—of the kind included in the meta-analysis which found antidepressants no better than placebo—often fails to show results for drugs that later prove very effective. “We have medications that show effectiveness in post-stroke depression, in the elderly with multiple brain lesions, in people with chronic, intractable depression. Why do they only not work in the early trials?” he asks.

Second, people get excellent care in clinical trials, which makes the placebo effect especially strong. This means it’s harder to show a difference, even if a drug works well. “We may be losing effective substances, not approving ineffective ones,” Kramer notes.

Next: Part II

Having a child (Part I)

Please forgive the non-sequiter here on diving into this subject with no real set up as to why.

It was really borne out of the fact that I have been in contact with an ex-girlfriend of mine from college some 15+ years ago and she and her husband just welcomed their third child into the world. I am pleased for her and her happiness, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a brief sense of selfishness of by part.

You see, ever since I was a teenage boy myself, way before my depressive episodes and trials and tribulations I faced with employment and marriage, I too always thought someday I'd have my own son and/or daughter. I looked forward to the day where I could raise my own child, and give the gift to my parents as well who so desperately want to be grandparents.

Admittedly, I got married a little later than I ever thought I would and during that time (now that I look back) depression was just beginning to manifest within my being. The symptoms were there, I just wasn't 100% cognisant of them let alone knew what would be consuming my mind and spirit in the next few years to come.

In our first year of marriage (we were already in our mid 30's) we tried to have kids. After many unsuccessful attempts we went to a infertility clinic. My wife took the tests (as did I) and we began a regime of pills, shots, medical procedures, etc., to no avail. It was an emotional time for my wife and me as well.

Then things at home took a turn for the worst. My own personal demons began to manifest more and more and I was becoming angry with the world around me; my depression was kicking into overdrive. My stepdaughter was rebelling in school....bad grades, bad behavior, bad excuses. My wife was emotionally spent and realized that the grass may indeed be greener on the other side. Why hang out at home with a self-loathing husband who argued about money when I can go out with my girlfriends and drink to forget about the troubles at home. It didn't help that friends seemed to be getting pregnant all around us and the icing on the cake was her sister getting pregnant for her third time.

I never really spoke about my depression and children before. I believe that it was, and still is, a contributing factor to part of outlook on life and emotional growth. You see, I still want a child, and would like to give one to my parents. This has nothing to do with the fact that my mom and dad both occasionally mention the fact in their not-so-subtle ways that they would like a grandchild as well (Great, yet another way I have let them down I suppose).

After our two failed attempts at artificial insemination, we gave up, at least I thought we gave up temporarily. It wasn't too long ago I learned else wise....my wife had decided (without my input) we were not going to try again. That was very shocking and hard for me to digest, and if I could and hadn't desperately tried to calm my spirit at that exact moment, I most likely would have blown up. Needless to say, this was news I wasn't ready for, nor wanted to accept. A decision regarding my chance of having any offspring at all was summarily decided for me....and not in my favor.

The thing that hurt me the most...and I still hear those words in my head on occasion...is my wife stating to me: "In your emotional state, I don't think it would be wise to bring a child into this world considering your state of mind." Talk about a knock out punch. I can't believe I was still standing after that. It is as if I could feel all the blood draining from my being...what was left of any fragile emotions I had being ripped out from me. My wife was now verbally confirming to me that she thought I was indeed off my rocker, unfit as a husband, not ready to be a father, and questioned if I ever would be.

It was at that instant I seriously began to question my marriage and who exactly did I marry. I wondered if I had made one huge mistake. I silently screamed to God and Christ for mercy. "What have I gotten myself into?" I wondered. I had made a contract with God at the altar on my day of marriage...and now everything I wanted left out of life was being told wasn't going to happen.

To be continued.....

What is going on in the world?

Is it me, or does it seem that the last few years that more and more natural disasters are taking place? For all I know, there may be a constant level of activity taking place all the time, but because the population of this planet keeps increasing and the fact that cameras, cell phones, and other technologies make news instantaneous, its just seems like this stuff is happening more and more often. And in greater magnitude.

In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).

"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)

I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.

I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.

I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.

I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?

Weird introspective

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace of the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)

I'm taking a break from the last two days postings. While I still have more to chew on and debate within my head on what I revealed in my last writings, I've had a strange feeling wash over me today.

I woke up a little groggy as usual and was thankful my wife bought some real fresh coffee to enjoy last night for our consumption. She's going out of town tomorrow on a business trip and will be gone a whole week. It really isn't that far away actually, something like only 45 miles away from our home, but she will be working long hours and I doubt we'll speak much, maybe a call in the evening.

Our financial status has been a little strained lately with me making some sacrifices (more brown bag lunches, limited driving, a few unexpected bills) that will put me on a very conservative spin the next few weeks. I was very open with my wife about our situation and I think she understood, but I am not 100% convinced as we still have separate checking accounts...but I know we are temporarily strained, at least until we get our stimulus package and regular IRS rebates. It's can't get here soon enough as I have a few bills that need to be paid, and I'm waiting until the almost drop dead deadline before I write a check.

It does tend to make me a bit nervous, and in some ways, perhaps its best my wife is gone for a week so she doesn't see me stress. On the flip side, I can imagine she may spend a few extra dollars we really don't have in going out at night, but I don't have the heart to tell her to watch her spending habits lest she takes it the wrong way. I just try and paint a very crystal clear picture of where we stand, and hope she can figure it out and make the right decisions.

So today, maybe because it's in the back of my mind (the money stuff that is), and the fact I will be alone for the next 8 days, but I am feeling a little anxiety within. There's a bit of tightening in the chest today and I've caught myself taking some deep breaths. But the weird thing is, I also have a certain un-explaneable peace about it today. My paycheck from yesterday is already accounted for, and I'm already counting down days until the next one (something I never did before), and yet I know we'll be okay for some reason. I just need to continue to really think wisely for the next few weeks and really limit myself to get back into the black.

I think about missionaries and wonder 'How do they do it?' I watch the news and see devastation in Arkansas and read articles on how minimum wage earners can barely scrape by. I have a friend right now who is married with a few kids who just learned that his position will be eliminated in a few weeks and he's already began looking for a new job, and I continue to wonder 'How do they do it?'

What is their secret for moving on and waking up? Is it the human spirit and will to always keep fighting? Is it God's grace that He will always look after His children? Is their faith stronger than my own, and am I jealous because of that?

Is Jesus finally having me really turn a corner, at least for this week? To know there is a light at the end of the tunnel albeit a few weeks from now, but until then we must endure living paycheck to paycheck wondering how the next bill is going to be paid? Today I thank Jesus for giving me the strength I have right now, because I know I didn't have this strength a year ago. I can just imagine how my mindset would be were it another time in my past.

Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part II)

So confusion........I started an entry yesterday, and as often happens, they seem to take on a life of their own and before I knew it, I wasn't going to get to the meat of the matter I had originally intended, thus I broke it up into parts.

Today is part 2. Maybe I'll wrap this up, maybe not and you'll be reading part 3 in a few days, so bare with me.

Being a loner most of my life, and especially the last few years have lent to a special air of isolationism on my part. Not that I ever made a conscious decision to end up that way, but circumstances as they have played out I suppose led me there. It's a mixed blessing. There are numerous days I seek companionship and yearn to return to the times where I was a much happier and 'go-lucky' person.....To be the 'life of the party' and everybody's friend as I was a decade ago.

On the flip side, there are days I enjoy the solitude and wish to block out all the madness and corruptness of the world. I want to be left alone and be in my own thoughts. Sometimes its a pleasurable experience, sometimes a very frightening one.

It's during these times of solitude that my mind works overtime and I think about so much and so many questions begin to surface. These are also the times I truly wonder if I do have a 'tinge' of mental instability as a result of imbalanced chemicals, or a lingering symptom of continued depression. When I should be day dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and warm beaches and sunsets, my mind tends to drift to apocalyptic events, relationship woes, death, etc.

I mentioned that my wife and I had an 'episode' about two weeks ago. And she made some very valid points. Valid enough that I have to take stock in myself and wonder if my prayers sometimes are not 'pure' enough to be answered. What does God have intended for me, and when will the continuous testing stop and the healing actually begin? Perhaps the healing has begun, but my stubborn side is looking for something more overt, like the Jews looking for a more 'kingly' messiah, than a simple man born in a manger who was and continues to be humble.

After that episode with my wife a lot of strange co incidents started to become very overt to me. It started with church. That Sunday my pastor was teaching from the book of Daniel....and drawing a parallel from Daniels visions to those events to come in Revelations.....a scary subject. On Monday as I was driving home from work, I turned on Christian radio (something I very rarely do) and the message happened to be that of the book of Daniel...again. It was the same message!!!

It gets stranger....

Tuesday I was reading a book, and it just so happens that I came across a chapter (unplanned) that spoke of the end times. And finally Tuesday evening I turned on talk radio late at night (it helps me sleep at times) and the whole two hour block again was on the end times and prophecy. By this time I was spooked! I still am. Two events may be a coincidence, but 4 in the span of 48 hours all talking about the 'end times'? Of course now I can't sleep at this point as I am convinced (at least in my mind) something very suspicious and abnormal is going on here. Why am I hearing these things? Am I being driven mad? Is God trying to tell me something? Or is it Satan having a good laugh at my expense?

But Christ says only He knows the hour and the time. He says not to worry, cast your burdens upon Him, for those that are faithful and have accepted Him should be in peace and care not of the trivialities of this world, for it shall perish, and we will be reborn into glorified bodies and live in the Kingdom forever!!!

However, the confusion begins to escalate for me and I need to seek out some reassurance...

(to be continued...)

Christ does not teach confusion.... (Part I)

...or does He?

At various times in my life I have always wondered why the Bible and the teachings of both the old testament and new testament are more straight forward. I suppose it depends on who you ask...but I think that most can agree that somewhere during their own personal struggles with faith and belief we have wondered exactly what a specific verse means.

Today, there are numerous versions of the bible, including but not limited to: NIV, King James, The Living Bible, New American Standard, etc... I found an article here by Dr. Dale A. Robbins who attempts to explain why so many translations are available if you are interested. I'll tell you now, I don't know any other works or studies by Dr. Robbins, so I am not giving this article my full endorsement.

I also recall many past teachers of the Word who are much more knowledgeable than myself have always said to have 'faith like a child' in what the Word says. Well, logically I guess this makes sense at a very glossary level, but that doesn't help me understand why there are so many versions that all tend to 'fit' a certain denomination. So which one is the 'right' one? Why has God allowed so many various permutations if He wanted to get His one true message across? What makes NIV better that NASB, or vice-versa? Seems to me, He could have made it easier for us if He wanted to get His universal message across to all. But then again, I'm not the creator and I fail to see let alone understand the big picture of a God who lives outside of time and space and is all knowing.

So why am I bringing this all up? Well, I have had a lot of questions lately, especially those focusing on the end times. The thought of the great tribulation, the rapture, ever-lasting life, various judgements, the Antichrist has honestly scared the bejeezuz out of me. I know some Christians look forward to this time and can't wait. Well, personally, I can.....I think I'd rather die of natural causes or an accident than witness what is to come, let alone live it if I am not a part of the rapture.

Even Christians debate on what the 'rapture' really means. Some are pre-trib, others post-trib, some even state it's a metaphor...there won't be an 'actual' rapture as described in Revelations....and each have some solid arguments that confuse even the best and eager students. Heck, I am confused myself. I guess I consider myself a pre-trib person, meaning I believe that true believers will vanish in a twinkling of an eye just prior to the tribulation where the Antichrist will set up his power for conquest over the next seven years.

So I had some questions and asked someone who I believe truly loves the Lord and Christ and is a Christian to help me sort out all these issues in my head. I was really was losing sleep over it and worried...I can't help it...it's my nature and something I struggle with daily. I may even think at times that some of my mental issues comes from the fact I am worried about the afterlife and my presence within it.

His answers really surprised me and was not even close to what I was expecting or had ever really been taught before. So much so in fact, that I had a problem even digesting his own revelations and the questions got bigger than I really wanted to deal with....just the opposite effect of what I was seeking. I relayed my concerns to him about his interpretations and he simply told me two points:

1) Satan knows that I am seeking out the Lord, and the turmoils I go through is his attempt to place self-doubt within my head, to take my focus off of God, to harvest confusion and to make it so that my faith is always on shaky ground because Satan has already lost his war over me, but now just wants to make my life difficult where he can.

and the one I really am wrestling with now...

2) Satan is the author of confusion. Christ and being 'in the Spirit' is of peace. Christ makes clear all that truly seek and gives comfort, not confusion.

Uh, oh. So what does that say about me? I'm more confused than ever, and I'm hearing conflicting answers from peoples whose job it is to minister to people.

(to be continued.....)

Flags at half mast....again.

"How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone" (James 4:14)

I've been at my new job for a total of ten months now, and today I received an email that a fellow coworker passed away over the weekend. He was in his late 50's, and there was some speculation that he may have been ill due to a very raspy voice, but no one seems to know for sure. The details of his death were not made known to the employee's.

That's the fifth person who has passed at my job in ten months. Five.

I'm a little taken aback by this one as I knew the gentleman and had the pleasure of working with him on a small project about 2 months back.

And now he is gone.

I have no idea on what his faith was. We never spoke of it, nor would I have ever thought to have at work in today's politically correct environment. I've never been good at witnessing. I kind of gave up on the overt witnessing I have tried in the past. If asked, I'm very forward to share my beliefs and I make no qualms about my own questions at times, especially mired in my own psyche.

That's one of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share with everyone the ups and downs of my life and hope through my experiences that perhaps someone could relate and realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Its intention is to still let anyone out there who is depressed that even Christians have their dark moments and far from perfect. I don't frolic through meadows of daisies, see the goodness in all things, or wake up with a beaming ray of sunshine protruding from my smile....that is if I even smile that day.

I share my personal, intimate details with you all, from my struggles in marriage, work related issues, and random, corrupt thoughts born of flesh and sin. I want to share with you how anti-depressants work for me, and matters of the Spirit from my perspective, and maybe....just maybe someone out there can relate and know you aren't alone in your thoughts.

Why you ask? Because we never know when our time is up. We do not know the hour of the day in which God already knew from the beginning when our mortal bodies shall return to dust, and our soul is either greeted with open arms and love, or the gnashing and wailing of teeth.

Right now, I am still continuing to have issues with my wife. We had a pleasant evening together last night....dinner, conversation, and some time watching shows together in which we like. We also played a video game together and it was fun. It's as if the argument from earlier in the week never happened, and those are the times I miss and wish to think about more often....not the drama that sends voices escalating, causing sleep to be list, and headaches, and ill feelings towards each other.

My mother-in-law is planning on speaking with my wife tomorrow in regards to certain behaviors that everyone is aware of, and I'm sure my name will be involved. I know this is coming, my wife doesn't know that I know, and I hope my wife realizes her mother speaks to her out of love and concern and not our of judgement. I say this because I am emotionally spent right now and do not wish to endure or entertain any altercation at this point, but these things always have a tendency to backfire against yours truly.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws, or at least I hope to think I do (a relationship my own mother and wife do not share however). I have come to them in the past, and they listen and advise in earnest....something I am so thankful for.

I am a little stressed out now. Of course I imagine my wife walking in the door tomorrow and laying into me for possibly airing dirty laundry. But I need to 'man-up'. While I suppose the situation could possibly deteriorate further, I am hoping for a miracle....that my wife may need to hear from someone else that I love her and I care and that marriage should be a bonding experience not something to tear us apart...because that is not what God wants for any of his children. And because we do not know how long our life is to be...that we exit this realm in good standing and not at odds with those we love.

Rough Time Recovery

Yesterday was a tough day at work. Not as tough as I first imagined due to the lack of sleep I had and a sore jaw from our arguement the night before. I'm actually surprised how much energy I did have. Possibly I was still amped up from a certain level of adrenaline and anger that was fueling my system.

I did have a moment in which I spoke to my father for 30 minutes and explained what happened. Moreso I suppose as a method of personal release, to get it out since it was boiling up inside me. I chose to share this with my father because he was there for me during my intial breakdowns, and sat with me when he thought I was going to go postal.....just to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.

It's weird being a male. We are taught from an early age in our culture not to show emotions. Perhaps the last few years or decades it has become somewhat more acceptable for men to display a softer side, but even I hate crying as much as I do and I wish I were a stronger person in certain regards.

He just listened to me and shared some insights and said he'd pray for me...for us (that is my wife and I), and wants to see us work it out, but he's afraid that I will spend the next 30-40 years of my life never knowing true happiness. I know what he was alluding to as a possible option, and the thought has indeed crossed my mind....but I take my vows very seriously. Well, at least I do. For Better or For Worse. In Sickness and in Health. Does that mean mental health as well? Hmmmm?

As I tend do when I get in a serious funk, I turn on Christian radio. That 30 minute commute back to my house in the afternoon is sometimes used as an impromptu bible study and I wanted to surround myself in the word yesterday.

Wouldn't you know the message really was directed right back to me??? It was all about those people who can't move forward because they are always looking back. Because they cannot let go of the past. The conviction was there. That is what I do. As much as I pray and want to, my logical brain and/or Satan is always there to tell me "Well, what about the past..? Remember when..?" Yes.....unfortunately I do. I recognize that as much as I have moved forward, I have not embraced the present and future 100%. I still have a portion of myself invested in the past...and their roots run deep.....and keep me tethered to my former self.

I need a spiritual hatchet to cut those roots that tether me so.

I forget the verse, but I seem to recall Christ telling us not to worry about the past, because He knows how much damage the past can do to us. We are supposed to be new creatures with a new mindset under his guidance, grace, mercy, and blood.

Anyway, I had a decent night sleep last night. So much so in fact, I slept hard and undistrurbed from 10:30pm to 7:15 am, almost 9 full hours and I could have used more. My feelings are still hurt, my wife and I still awkward, but at least today I can fucntion. The anger has subsided as has the bitterness and anxiety for the time being...and I didn't have to resort to a Clonzapen.

Rough Times

Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?

I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.

It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.

My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.

I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.

It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.

Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.

I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.

My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."

Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"

I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.

I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.

But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.

I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.

How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.

I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.

Ability vs Availability

"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."

Wow.

I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.

What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.

I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.

So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.

My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.

A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.

I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.

Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.

It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.

I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.

I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.

God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.