Getting up early

Yesterday was a very busy day at work. It was both nice and tiring at the same time.

It was nice on the one hand as the day went by relatively fast, and I have always tended to work well under pressure. I usually perform well when pushed up against a wall or deadline...not usre why, just do.

On the other hand, between my cold sore and other medicines, I alternate between feeling wired and wiped out. Like my body is on cruise control and I'm not 100% in control of the gas pedal.

I came home yesterday to discover my wife was already home. She said she had not been feeling well but was nice enough to make me dinner. I did a few chores outside, helped clean up the kitchen a bit, and had to work on my PC to remove the malware that had infected it earlier this week.

I had a strange dream last night. One that I am not proud of, but can't help but wonder why my subconcious has been working over time and clearly I have some issues that need to be worked on.

Basically I dreamed I met another woman who was in love with me, and promised and appeared to be everything I first thought about my own wife. In my 'dream state', I had the comforting and secure feeling that this 'other' woman wanted to have a child with me...actually looked forward to attempting a family. She was also very nice and polite and was open about attending church. She didn't smoke, nor did she make social drinking a priority with neighbors and friends.

In my dream I was 'tempted' to have an affair, but as much as I knew this 'woman' was everything I thought I wanted, I also explained to her that I had made a contract with God on my current marriage vows....and became slighty disheartened in knowing that I could not be with her. I could not break those vows no matter how discouraged and frustrated and hurt I can get at times. I imagined a life with my wife whom I love.....but always feel I will come in second place.....or I move ahead with a new relationship and perhaps someday be able to be happy with this 'dream' person who I knew put me first for a change.

When I did wake up early this morning, I had that gnawing feeling of shame in my head for these subliminal dreams, and yet I do not want to discuss them at all with my wife. I wonder if all this is just a build up from the last few days and my imagination is getting the best of me.