I always find that the typical 'lines of communication' between my wife and I are often reversed by most stereotypical standards. Meaning, my wife often plays the role of the stubborn male who doesn't want to talk about things, clam-up, and eventually pretend it didn't happen, whereas I on the other hand don't like the silent treatment and look for the 'fix' now so I can move on and not dwell on it. I honestly feel in my heart I am the more open of the two of us, much more willing to admit my own faults and seek and dole out foregiveness when the time is right.
I came home that night fully expecting to be questioned when she walked in the door, but instead was more or less ignored the first hour or so. I personally haven't decided if I like this general reaction or not. Sometimes I feel like there is an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about....other times I'm thankful nothing is being said as I am just too tired or mentally/emotionally exhausted to go another round.
Speaking of 'rounds', it also often seems to me that our 'discussions', if you will, are only given attention when she wants to, not me. Myabe that sounds nit-picky on my behalf, but I've come to realize that she often sets the terms on when we 'discuss' issues....when she's up to it or wants to, not me.
Surprisngly, by the end of the night she was speaking to me again, but never once referred to the previous few days of tension. She also never asked me once on how the doctor visit went either. My own stubborn and wounded ego wasn't going to offer it up either if not asked. I'm not going to tell my wife I am experiencing mild panic attacks, crying in front of my doctor, and especially being hooked up to an EKG machine if she didn't care.
The next few days seemed to get much better, although some of her occasional comments come across as a mild irritant or back handed slap on occassion. They do sting me on the inside, and I'm very aware of what she says to who, but I try very hard not to let on and look like it bothers me. Why provide more fuel to the fire?
I'm starting to lose my train of thought here, so perhaps I'll close this entry today. It's as if my thought, while coherent in the here and now, aren't going to make sense or flow logically as I continue.
Suffice to say, I feel better today than I have the last few days, but I'm not 100% sure why. My wife and I nevere really seem to achive a resolution to our 'issues'...they just seem to keep getting shelved from time to time until one is brave enough to go on the attack, or perhaps muster enough courage and strength to put the defenses and say "Okay, take your shot now while I have a moment of actual interest to defend myself."
This medicine just wipes me out.
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