Time keeps on ticking...

"Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. Wherever they go, they will find green pastures. The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:9-10)

I don't have much to say today. This passage has been on my mind since Sunday, and everytime I read it, I feel a brief moment of reassurance and confidence. I just wish that feeling would last throughout the days without me having to either re-read it or think about. It should be known and ingrained, but maybe that will take time.

Work has been painfully slow this last week. That never bodes well for a person like me that spends too much free time self-reflecting, over-analyzing, and worrying about everything.

If it weren't for the fact I feel the need to save my vacation time (for a possible cashout later this year to pay for taxes) I'd like to take a day off like today to do some 'me' time. 'Me' time would consist of working on one of my models at home, spend some time walking my dog, maybe play a video game, and maybe catch up on some streaming movies via Netflix I missed in the theater's.

Actually, I've been thinking about smoked brisket all morning. I may even visit a specialty deli after work today and pick me up a 5-6 lbs brisket. Maybe invite a few neighbors over or some friends for a first attempt at using my smoker. I've never smoked a brisket before nor have I used my smoker grill yet either, but I'll have to break it in soon.

As you can tell my mood is 'okay' to 'good' today for no particular reason I can think of.

And for those that are asking, at this time I am not on any medications right now, anti-depressant or otherwise. I'll be honest with you if and when I decide to go back on.

Here

That is how I describe my day today.

It was a little gloomy this morning, a marine layer socked into the foothills in which I live and seemed to make my bed that much cozier. My wife was kind enough not disturb me and allowed me to snooze until about 7:20 this morning. I could have easily slept more, but not because I've been feeling down and out the last few days, but because I was just that comfortable and just that cozy.

One of my two bosses took the day off and another employee in my department called in sick, and overall it's been a pretty uneventful and quiet day. A bit too quiet which makes the day seem to drag on a bit longer than I would generally like it to do, but sometimes its just like that.

Before I got out of bed this morning I made a conscious decision to pray to Jesus. Just a simple "Hey, it's just me and I'd really appreciate an emotional break today big guy.", and I can honestly say I feel 'okay' thus far (granted its only 3:30).

The downtime allowed me to make some calls earlier today and get a better rate on a credit card that should save me a decent chunk of interest over the next 15 months or so (which is good). I also had alone time at lunch and was able to finish a book I was reading: "Dogtown: tales of rescue, rehabilitaion, and redemption". It was a great book, although a tear jerker at times. It really wants me to get the courage to work at an animal shelter, if I wasn't so afraid of getting emotionally attached to every dog I may be taking care of. I'd love to do that with animals, I really do feel that is a calling to my spirit and I feel so much more at ease with animals, but my heart breaks when they are hurt and I have this feeling I may become a basket case afterwards.

I know I've already decided that the day I do write my will, a decent chunk of my estate (if thats what it is called) will be donated to an animal shelter.

I may meet a friend today after work, for about an hour to have some tacos. I'm still waiting for his call. If he doesn't call, its no big deal, I'll go home and start my own dinner and finish up the evening watching some TV, maybe start reading a new book even.

BTW: I want to thank 'Anonymous' whose been leaving comments the last few entries. I do appreciate it and know you mean well.

Regards...

Feeding the spirit

After my last post, I needed a bit of time to collect myself.

God says he will never heap on so much that we can't take it. I'd like to have a heart to heart with him some time on that. When one's mind in in complete chaos and dreaming of being whisked away to parts unknown, I think we're at the breaking point of how much one can handle.

I realize it's different for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit my tolerence threshold seems to waver up and down depending on the day. Some days it just seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and yet when I read the news and see someone else's troubles (which are far worse than my own) I am then humbled and thank God that my troubles are indeed not as dire as others. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier, just a bit more self depricating on how I could be so selfish.

After my temporary meltdown last post, I sent a message to a college friend of mine from 20 years ago who recently found the Lord and just simply said "Pray for me. Having a rough spot." I did't say anymore or give any details, and within minutes he texted me back saying he'd pray for me. He also told me to read Psalms 13....which I did...and while I wouldn't say it was a wakeup call, it was just enough to stop anymore of a downward spiral.

He then sent me a care package in the mail that week. It was a box full of candy and treats for me, and he even threw in a toy for my dog. I was so touched. Here is a man, with a history and issues of his own, took the time to send me a 'care package'...and even included my dog in it. That touched me to the core. That has to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me.....dare I say even more attentive than my step-daughter and spouse? Actually...yes.

Of course I thanked him profusely, and I am still very touched by this simple act.

The rest of my week went better, or at least neutral. I haven't been able to relax 100%, and I have been very tired. I commented to my wife and she suggested I have my thyroid checked...just in case. I don't think it's a physical thing. To me, I feel it is a mental thing. I'm drained....emotionally spent, teetering on depression, frustrated and more. It just sucks the energy out of me. It's as if I forgot how to relax, let it all go, and enjoy the quiet moments. All that sounds good to me is a nice hot, long shower.....followed my a massage (that I'll never get)...and then go to bed.

I did get some reprieve this last week. I did watch a few shows on television that made me laugh, and I even surprised my wife by going bowling with her and her freinds. I even surprised myself with the amount of fun I had that evening. And my wife's friends treated me very well.

The rest of the week just seemed to go through it's paces and I spent some time praying here and there.

I did go to church yesterday and I am so thankful I did. I hadn't gone in a few weeks and my men's group is on hiatus until Aug. 14. Anyway, yesterday's message was from the book of John about the good shepard. It was a good message for me to hear. I really needed to know that Jesus knows each and everyone of us, both good and bad, and every tear we shed and every cry we make. One could argue that He has answered me, although I'd like to know it was Him a bit clearer or a bit louder. Is it selfish to wonder or inquire why His answers seems like delayed whispers? Is it my patience? Is the test ongoing and I don't recall signing up for it if it is.

Yesterday afternoon I had a beer with a coupld of my neighbor guy friends. One is a non-practicing Catholic, the other agnostic. Religion wasn't the topic. We spoke of vacations. One thing we all had in common was a little strained finances and were discussing ideas for 'cheap' vacations. It was fun to dream about taking a week off and driving out to the Grand Canyon, or a train ride to Santa Barbara.

My last paycheck stated I had 66.5 hours of vacation accrued. I really need to take some time off. Thinking back now to all my posts here, I know I stated that numerous times before. Problem is I can't really afford to go anywhere, but Lord knows I desire a few days off. I really need to get out of here. I need to enjoy environs of elsewhere. Watch a sunset, breathe fresh air, have a good dinner, melt into a pool with the sounds of birds and the whispering of summer leaves.

I think I'm gonna start putting away $30 a paycheck aside into an account and save up to go somewhere for a few days. Maybe I will go to Santa Barbara sometime in the future.

Still drawing a blank.

Ugh...I can't beleive it's been almost three month since my last post, and even more sad is the fact it doesn't seem much has changed since that post either.

I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.

The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.

Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.

Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.

We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.

So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.

My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.

We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.

I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.

I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.

I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.

I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.

Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.

I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.

It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.

I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.

I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?

I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.

Drawing a blank

I sit here at this entry not knowing what to write.

I feel I have so much to say, on so many subjects, yet the focus is lacking. It's as if my head is full of noise lately. Emotions are all over the place. Up one minute, down the next.

Marriage. Faith. Step-fatherdom. Happiness. Employment. Sadness. Depression. Fun. Entertainment. Sex. God. Frustration. Patience.

These things are all important and all present to me. All scrambling and tripping over one another to become the dominant thought. The result--inner turmoil.

Is it possible to feel numb and anxious at the same time? I think it is. See, my body feels anxious...squirmy, tight, tense, exciteable. But my mind is numb; tired of thinking of it all, caring and not caring at the same time. Time is measured on not what I look forward to anymore, but that this second, and this second, and now this second are over....thank God.

I'm looking at my life in the past. History. At times I look forward to the eternal rest. Like I want to sleep forever and have nice dreams. Me and my dog, the only creature on this planet that doesn't give me grief day in and day out.

No noise.

Just quiet and loving comfort.

3 months too long?

I don't know why I haven't been back to post as of late. I atcually noted a draft I had of an entry back in mid-December that I never finished. Not sure I can now anyway as much of my entries are what I'm feeling in the moment like right now.


So what's been up the last three months? Well, there have been some highs, and some lows, but I suppose I could say I've just been feeling average. My ste-daughter and my wife go at it at least once a week and I had to step in last week to play referee at one point. As much as my step-daughter was in the wrong, I took note that my wife unfortunately despite all her good qualities, also seems to thrive on conflict.


Although I wish our household to be one happy domicile and I really try my best, I can now see that as long as my wife is uneasy in the spirit, most of those people she comes into contact with she will eventually have an altercation with. I feel bad for saying this, but there are moments I'm glad she's off arguing with someone else for a change. Now again, I wish it didn't happen at all, but until my wife breaks down and recognizes (like I had to myself) that she isn't really in control or can fix everything AND recognize that the Lord our God is soveriegn in all things she's gonna have a rough time.


Like me.


Now I recognize that I still have my moments of doubt and despiar and confusion, but at least for now the thoughts of suicide are no longer there. I also recognize that my brain chemistry is off, maybe not as bad as it was, but the on again, off again medication helps me 're-calibrate'. I've been off the pills for a bit now, but started again today. Why? Well, I've been under some stress again lately, feelings of being anxious, a bit of insomnia, and some feelings of anger and frustration are present. But now when I start to recognize a few of these symptoms, I can try and nip it early on instead of waiting it out and seeing if I can fix it myself.

Not to many other things have changed. We're still seemingly living paycheck to paycheck right now and that bothers me a lot. Especially since I had to ask my grandfather for a small loan the otehr day to help pay for an unexpected bill. I can't believe I'm almost 40 and for the first time ever, I had to ask for some help. We've really put a clamp down on us for the most part and its starting to ffect us at home too. I'm tired of soup and cereal for lunches and dinners. I'm tired of having to turn down invitation with friends for a night out because we can't afford it. Doesn't help we have an extra person now living at home as well who can't seem to find a job either. So yeah it's been more stressful than normal.



I'm going on a business trip tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's been just shy of six years since I've been on a plane and I'm a bit nervous to say the least. I'm off to Atlanta, and it's supposed to be raining the whole time I'm there. I'm trying not to get too worked up, but I had a nightmare about it last night. Not good.



Hopefully when I get back, I'm going to have to look into getting a second temporary job. I need to work a few weekends here and there to get some extra money to pay the bills just to keep my mind sane from this living paycheck to paycheck thing. I need only a few hundred to feel as if head is above water, and not just my nose. I don't know how many cup-of-soup's or bowls of Special K I can handle anymore. I even had to cash out a few days of vacation (days I will not have off) just so I could pay our taxes. CA has one of the highest taxed states in the nation, and the state is bankrupt too if you haven't heard.



It's my 40th birthday next week. I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think my wife has planned anything at all. We have no money, but that's not stopping her from having a Girls Night Out this upcoming friday. I don't know how she's paying for it nor am I sure I want to know. It'll be interesting to see how I react or how she will if I am told there is no birthday gift due to financial issues, but have enough money for Girls Night Out. Its for this reason I'm actually not looking forward to my birthday....not that I will be 40 years old,...but to see where I am on the priority list in my marriage and relationship compared to friends.

Do I sound like a whiner? Yeah, I suppose I do. What else is new?

Hopefully it won't be as long until my next entry.

Positive mood

Perhaps it may be the placebo effect, but I feel pretty darn good today.

It's a rainy day here and I had an early start on my day, and the requisite amount of coffee is now flowing, and I feel pretty darn positive so far. I may meet some friends later today for a going away party for an aquaintance at my old job and I may also have a 1/2 day at work today.

This weekend will be doing chores about the house (since it's scheduled to rain all day) and I may work on a few personal hobbies I enjoy. I even have a hankering to play a board game with my wife and step-daughter, and we have a family party to attend tomorrow evening. It's wierd, earlier in the week I was dreading the party...I was not looking forward to going at all and considered it yet another chore.....and yet today, my outlook has done almost a 180, and I have no explanation why. Now I kinda want to go (although tomorrow may change my mind yet again).

I had a brief chance to witness to a stranger yesterday, and she told me I left a lasting impression, although I don't know exactly where she stands, but she was receptive. So that was a blessing in disguise.

I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee and feel relaxed. Praise God.

Citalopram

I decided to start a new drug today...Citalopram (see link in margin for more info). It's a substitute for Lexapro and also known as Celexa.

As with all anti-depressants, it usually takes a good solid week and then some before ones body adjusts to it and it begins to take hold and starts working its magic. It's basically a serotonin reuptake inhibitor which allows for natural serotonin to stay longer between the gaps of the nerve cells within the brain and thus minimize or stave of feelings of depression.

So why did I decide to start today? To begin with, I have been 'drug' free for quite a few months. Other than what I would consider normal bad days that everyone experiences from time to time, I had been feeling okay for quite some time now. Yes, there were the moments with my wife a few montsh back that I didn't know if I could or wanted to survive the marriage despite my best efforts. I still have 'moments' of wondering what it would be like to re-marry, be single again, make different choices, etc. But I can also say that a few weeks back I had a very bad depressive dream as well...one in which I was divorced...and I wasn't that much happier. In fact I was scared to death about beginning the process of starting to date all over again and felt a stigma over me that I failed. That I failed my wife, my family, myself, and God.

But I'm not about to go down that road today.

It's just been a general feeling as of late once again. I'm feeling a bit insecure as of late. I mentioned some financial strains and step-daughter strains in yesterday's post, and I've been starting to feel agitated once again towards those that my wife has communications with. Is it jealousy? Yes, to a certain extent I think it is. Not sexual per-se, but there's a few male friends of hers that have been extra chatty towards her lately and I can't figure out their angle. One in particular makes some unusual comments (it's probably nothing), but I feel strange that he's making them with no real thought towards me.

It may also be this time of year. It's been cold and rainy as of late and getting darker earlier. I've been feeling a bit fatigued as well, like I could fall asleep in the middle of the day and want to go to bed earlier again. I know for a fact I'm trying to avoid my step-daughter too...I don't want to be around her drama or her immaturity...or her laziness. The longer I am around her, the more I find myself starting to resent the fact she doesn't do anything and her mom keeps making excuses for her. I know when I was 18 years old, I would have been embarrassed to death to be in her position and took a lot of pride in working and starting to become independant whereas I feel she still expects us to provide everything for her. But that seems a littel harsh as well, and I have to temper those thoughts by knowing that not everything was her fault and she is the victim of certain circumstances and attitudes, or lack thereof, from both her biological parents. They both did a crappy job, so I can't blame her for everything.

Hmmm..I feel like I'm rambling again here. My head feels a tad dizzy right now too, most likely from the Citalopram as I had both breakfast and lunch today and a good nights sleep.

I know this is an abrupt ending to this post right now, but I'm losing my train of thought and feel like I'm not making sense anyway.

Holiday strain

My stress levels are a little higher than normal right now.

My stepdaughter has behaving a bit better tha last few days, but I feel that her last two uncalled for and random 'blowups' at our house have somewhat jaded me more than I originally thought they might have. I'm having a hard time warming up to her right now. When I walk in the door from work, I find myself at a loss for words to say anything to her. I'm polite, I'm cordial, but I can't seem to shake the last few scenes out fo my head and it irriates me. I should forgive and forget and move on, but I'm having a tough time doing that. I'm not sure even if an apology at this point could change my mind.

I want her to get a job. She really does need to get a job, yet another week has gone by and she has done nothing. She's been living with us now for close to two months and she has put in all of a few hours on one single day looking for a job, and has done no follow up yet to my knowledge.

I don't even know how to bring this subject up right now in the house inorder to avoid any argument between her and I, or even my wife and myself right now. I'm a bit confused by my wife as well. A few weeks ago, my wife determined that her daughter had to get a job and I had a lot of confidence in my wife....but it appears she has backed off or back down completely at this point and I just don't have the energy to bring it back up just before the Holidays.

Why is this bugging me so much?

Well, I think a lot has to do with the fact that we are broke right now. Seriously broke. My wife and I both have jobs, but we have had a lot, and I mean A LOT of unexpected bills this year (and the fact my wife still can't manage money very well) that my emergency savings has been pretty much drained. For the first time since I lost my job almost three years ago, I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck...and I still have nothing to show for it.

I cinched the belt for holiday shopping this year warning my entire family that this year was going to be smaller in scale. I am packing many more brown bag lunches to work as of late and even skipping breakfast altogether just so I can have a few extra bucks for incoming bills I have no idea how I'm going to pay for.

I even traded in some vacation days I had saved up for cash just so I can pay a few bills. Yeah, thats vacation time I won't be taking. So yet another year goes by where I don't go anywhere on vacation because I cannot afford it. Last year I wanted to take my wife and I our for a cruise for a belated honeymoon we never took. Well, it looks like year 6 isn't going to happen either.

I also feel guilty that I haven't tithed in a few weeks either at church. It does indeed burned my heart that I haven't given 10% the last few months. My tithing and donations in general are way down this year and that doesn't sit well with me either. I know I am supposed to truct in my Lord, my God to weather these financial storms, but my friends it just never seems to end.

I think after the holidays, I may even have to get a part time job on the weekends just to get some extra money to pay bills and feel like I have a bit of breathing room. I'll be burning both ends of the candle and I'm sure I'll be moody and tired and worried, but right now, I don't see any escape.

Maybe that's why I didn't sleep very well last night?

Status update

I wish I could remember to make more time to my updates here as I feel I am short changing myself at times. It really does help to use this blog as an outlet for minor venting and collecting and or organizing my thoughts.

The last few weeks have had some minor ups and downs.

My step-daughter has moved in on a full time basis now and I'll admit there have been 'moments' where I just want to explode and other times I have to remove myself from her presence for some piece of mind. She's not a 'bad' kid. Not in the sense that she does no drugs, does not drink, does not smoke....but she does have a major attitude and is somewhat lazy.

She's flunked out of school and is now in independant study and has grandiose designs of going out on her own at 18 to live her life. Problem is, she has no job, no money, no car, no drivers license, no savings, and no clue. Her mother and I have spent fruitless hours trying to talk to her about her decisions and try to point out how the real world works, but alas our advice falls on deaf ears. She'll have to find out the hard way, and I can only hope she gets a job soon enough.

As you can imagine, this has put some additional stress on her mother and me, moreso my wife. They have bumped heads on a few occassions now where I have to come in and play the peace broker only so as I don't get too worked up.

The addition of a third member to our household has also put a strain on our finances as well...more groceries, increase in utilities, toiletries, etc. Needless to say it has been a rough two months, especially with the holidays just around the corner.

I've personally been struggling on how hard to put my foot down, where my emotions are in all this, and how to deal with a rebellious spirit at the Holidays who won't even try to get a job to buy presents for her family. It's difficult for me to warm up to someone who takes everything for granted and expects things with nothing in return.

My relatiosnhip with my wife has been a bit lukewarm because of this too. Our intimacies have been put on the backburner and that bums me out, not just because I'm a giy, but a few months back it appeared that we had tuened a corner for the better, and now with my step-daughter moved in, we're all too tired and tense to relax and enjoy each others companies.

I have been going to my men's bible study on Saturday's, but I haven't been going to service the last few weeks on Sunday. I've been a little bitter and angry and not in the mood. I feel guilty, but I also think going into God's house with teh wrong mindset is a waste of His time and mine. Some would argue this is exactly why I should be going and I do understand that point, however, I'm good at making excuses for myself and I abhor confrontation and still pretend I can sweep things under the rug as a viable option.

I took a Clonzapem this morning as I awoke at 5am with my thoughts scattered, my anxiety high, and a knot in my sternum. It took about 20-30 minutes to kick in, but I felt really good afterwards and am trying my best to enjoy my day.

A pleasant surprise is my wife invited me to Sushi this evening. Not sure if it is just the two of us, or my stp daughter as well, but I love sushi, and hopefully my wife knows I'm feeling a bit squeezed as of late and this is her way of giving me a little reprieve.

A bit out of sorts

The last few days has given me yet more stuff to think about and try and put into some sort of perspective, especially on how it all fits into God's plan for me.

Once again finances have been a bit tight. Every paycheck between now and the forseeable future (after the first of the year) is pretty much spoken for. For the first time in a long time I had to dip into my reserves (read: savings for a rainy day I set up after I lost my last job a few years ago) to pay some mounting bills. Nothing too earth shattering, but it's all about timing....see, towards the end of the year some additional bills come into play all at once: homeowners insurance, car tags/registration, property tax and finally of course, the holidays.

Sure enough, the bills all came this last week, and I can't pay them all right now. I'll have to stagger them every two weeks when I receive another paycheck, but it literally leaves me nothing left. The disposable income I do have only ends up putting gas in my car, paying the toll road charges, and maybe a little left over for an occasional Friday lunch with my coworkers.

It depresses me. Once again another year has gone by where we can't take a vaction for more than 3 days at a time and local, I can't really afford to buy any new clothes for work, fancy lunches (I've been brown bagging the same generic meat sandwich and drinking water for a few weeks now), or Christmas presents again this year. Which also means, I can't buy myself any luxury items for myself, make repairs on the house, having to turn down evenings out with friends or God forbid any other emergencies that may crop up. It sucks and I don't really see any way out of it for at least two years (until my car is paid off), or I get a second job on top of my regular 8-5 job now, plus home chores, taking care of the dog, etc. I don't want to have to go to my parents or anyone else, but the budget is razor thin right now.

And I don't know how people do it. I know for a fact there are people out there in worse positions than us. Guy across the street lost his job about a month ago, and his neighbor has been out of work for almost three months and now the house is going into foreclosure. I spoke to my grandfather the other day and he told me about 'real' hard times....times where he slept in his car for weeks because he had nowhere to live and jobs where scarce...so who am I to complain?

As if that wasn't bad enough, I elt really humbled last night. Our other neighbors gave birth to twins yesterday. Of course I am happy for them and wish them all the best. But I can't help but feeling a bit selfish and envious that they had kids and we didn't. I so despretely wanted to be a father...to raise my own child or children...and it pretty much isn't going to happen and that saddens me. My step daughter doesn't live with us, and soon she'll be 18 and already has plans to move on with her life...and it's not like we have much of a relationship to begin with.

To have this constant reminder next door that they have children and I don't is going to be a challenge for me. Last night when I found out, it more or less silenced me and after that I really wasn't in the mood to talk and ended up having a drink and going to be early.

It's raining outside today as well, and I stare out the window with my crappy lunch, a little chilly, sitting at my desk at a job I don't really like all that much wondering yet again, "Why God?, Why?"

All creatures large and small

I had a very humbling experience yesterday that has really been weighing on my soul and instantly made me look deep and hard into my own being.

When I got home from work yesterday I began my usual ritual of suiting up my dog and take him for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was a brisk fall afternoon yesterday at 5:30pm so I quickened my pace up a bit to try and get home a bit faster than usual and get my blood circulating a bit.

On the round trip back home from our usual route, I happened to look down and saw what I thought was a dead rat. Like most people, I conjured up images of filthy vermin...disease carriers...gross and dirty and icky. And I thought it was dead.

Upon closer examination, the rat was not dead, but close to dying. I saw no physical trauma from a spring trap or cat, and figured it was most likely poisoned or near the end of its natural life. It was laying on its side, prone, but I did see its chest rising and falling very slowly, clearly its breathing being labored and I knew it was just a matter of time.

But then I began to wonder how long was this rat had been lying here. Minutes? Hours? Half a day? And how much longer did it have left? Would it make it through the night and pass in the cold air? Would a night time cat or carrion bird wander by and finish it off? Was it in pain?

My goodness, all these questions just bombarded me in mere seconds and I really struggled as to what the right thing to do was. Do I kill it and end its suffering? Or do I let nature take its course? I eventually decided to let nature take its course, for I just couldn't bring my self to stomp on it and its life. I felt bad for it because perhaps this creature, a creation of God, was indeed in pain and suffering from a lingering poison or other ailment. I doubt it would survive the night and for the first time I saw this vermin in a different light.

It was no longer a disease carrying rodent who lived on trash and could cause no good. It was a living and breathing animal, who had made this greenbelt its home...doing only what it was preprogrammed to do from creation. Whether or not it has a 'soul' as we biblically define what a soul should be, it was born and lived and tried to survive. And here I was with my dog, whom I love dearly, walking back to my warm home and will eentually crawl into my clean and warm bed. It really bothered me...and as you can tell...still does.

Someday I will have to put my dog down, and I fear and loathe that future date. I know I will need medication of the highest order that day. And again, I thought of my own mortality....will I die alone with no kids and wife by my side?

I can only hope that God does indeed have a plan for all his creation...including rats.

Good day

I've been looking at my last few posts, and I'll admit...there does seem to be a lot of doom and gloom lately.......So, I thought I'd share some uplifting feelings for once...

Today is actually a good day. I'm not on any medication, and despite going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 6:45am this morning, I feel somewhat relaxed and refreshed today.

I had an excellent lunch of BBQ Tritip with some spicy BBQ sauce, some Barq's rootbeer, a piece of blueberry cornbread, and overall I feel somewhat relaxed. Work hasn't been too demanding today, and I also got invited to a surprise bday party tonight for a neighbors boyfriend taht both my wife and I will attend.

Despite getting yet another unexpected bill in the mail yesterday (car tags) which I have no idea yet how I'm going to pay, and the fact my wife came home yeterday to tell me she wants to get involved in some multi-level marketing sheme (I read as pyramid scam....But I can't convince her otherwise), I really do feel okay.

Co-workers have been nice today, joking with me...we've been having some good natured ribbing with each other, and it just seems to be low pressure.

So there,....as of right now, it's been a good day.

Burnt Out

Once again, I'm back off the meds. I didn't really realize how easy it is for me to forget to take my anti-depressents on a regular basis if I don't make a concerted effort to place them out in the open for me to take every morning, or do some other meaningless ritual to remember to take them.

Needless to say I just realized I've been off my meds now for about a week, and I just feel burnt out. Hopefully this is just another random cycle of mine, but I have taken notice and stock that I just feel 'meh' at best this past week or so. Actually 'meh' is not exactly the best descriptor, but I can't think of a better word right now.

Things between my wife and I are 'okay' to 'good' and I do believe in the power of prayer that my friends, family, and fellow church parishoners are indeed making a difference....for the better. My wife and I have been getting along pretty well as of late and she's pleasantly surprised me a few times this past week, albeit last night she was a little snippy when I was asking her some basic questions.

I guess I feel 'meh' now because of work...or is it the feeling I have no time anymore for myself to just relax. Or is it because we still can't afford (both financially or time wise) to take a real vacation.

Yeah, I've been just tired. I get up, get ready for work, sit in traffic, do my job, come home, do chores, and then feel tired just to realize I did nothing for myself and now I gotta do it all over again the next day. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, I'm fricken burnt out.

It doesn't help that once again it seems that every dollar I have made recently is already once again accounted for, and I'm brown bagging my lunch every day, and the idea of even buying myself a video game to play somehow seem outta reach. First, because the $60 for a new game should really be used to pay off a bill (which I end up doing anyway) and I have no 'free' time...unless you consider 10pm open (in anycase I need to go to bed 'cause I gotta work to pay for the bills we incurred anyway).

I know...it could be worse. It could be much worse....and it has in the past as well. Then I wake up and realize people just died when a tsunami hit their island, or a flood wrecked their house, or some young child was abused/raped by a step parent and locked in a closet and beat the last 4 years. Or is it the whack jobs in Syria or Iran scoffing at us at the U.N.?

I wish God really would intervene at times (just short of the Apocalypse) and give the whole earth a breather for a few days..or even weeks. Do a little house cleaning...a culling of the heinous to help ease the minds of the rest of us for a change.

I can't even think right now what would recharge my batteries. Would a week cruise do the job, or would I just worry about how I would pay that off afterwards?

I look around the house and take count of all the things that need fixing or need to be repaired and replaced and realize none of it is happening anytime soon. Heck, if I can't afford a $50 video game, how am I gonna get the water line repaired, or replace that ceiling fan, or recalibrate the stove? Yeah, I see the blinds on that window falling apart and dangling by a weathered thread, but I still can't buy new ones.

And then there's work. Beleive me, I do indeed thank God that I do have a job in these times. As I'd like to think everyone is thankful who has a job appreciates it. My neighbor (mid 50's just got laid off a few weeks back) is feeling it and wishes he was working as he has a family to support, and another neighbor is going through a foreclosure...and I feel bad for them too, and I know I shouldn't complain. But does God really want us to be miserable in our daily routines? I know there are a lot of biblical stories that and examples of plenty of holy men who toiled at there jobs for decades just to have it all taken away. I don't really think that God has that desire for any of us, nor does He wish us to feel miserable and wanting. But since I am human, and humans are known to be selfish and think of themselves...well, quite frankly I'm pretty fricken sick of it all.

As I've stated before, I like what I do..I really do...I just don't like the people I have to interact with, or the ludicrous and backwards company policies and explanation that seem to be more hinderance and red tape than progress. It's 2009 and my company is stuck in the 1970 mentality on a lot of things and simple things just get bogged down in tedium and I just never get a sense of real accomplishment any longer. I pointed this out to my boss once....we never 'fix' anything or 'repair/replace' things...we just 'jury-rig' with duct-tape and bubblegum...just enough to get us by until teh next breakdown.

That can become very de-moralizing and crippling and hinder one's overall sense of contribution and self-worth. Did I really go to college to get two degrees just to be a glorified maintenance man when I could do so much more if I wasn't saddled with all these contraints. I think that contributed to my sense of being tired and 'meh' all the time.

Placebo thinking?

As I recently reported I had been off my meds for a few weeks now, and being the nature of the beast itself, perhaps I've been over analyzing my need or dependance on them.

I wonder if my 'need' is indeed just in my head and I do use the meds as a crutch of some sort. Perhaps the idea of taking them is just enough to fool myself into thinking they are actually doing me some good.

The last two weeks I have found myself increasingly irritable when it comes to things like work and what seems to be never ending chores at home. It's also been hotter than normal outside and as I stated also in an earlier post, we've been a little short handed at work to where I have been picking up some additional slack and feel a bit under pressure. A few bills have been once again mounting up despite my best efforts to control and watch my spending habits.

I suppose it could be worse. I read in the news the unfortunate story with the Yale grad that was recently strangled, or kids being shot at home and at school, the very corrupt ACORN scandals, etc. For a while I was happy not listening to the news....maybe I need to turn it off again and be naive to the world.

And again, my relationship with my wife just seems 'meh'. She hasn't yet told me...I've been waiting for her to offer up the information...I have discovered she made plans to go out with her high school friends this Friday night. I kinda thought something was up when she called her ex-husband and requested that they change weekends for exchanging my step-daughter. As of earlier this week, we had made plans to do something saturday evening and I asked about my step-daughter and my wife said she should be okay staying at our hoem for a few hours. But now that my wife has made plans to go out Friday, she called her ex out of the blue to make 'changes'. I smelled something 'fishy' and asked her if she wanted to go to dinenr with me on Friday night...giving her the opportunity to come clean about her plans, but instead, she replied "we'll see...and I'm tired and going to bed." She knows that I don't care for her friends all that much...well, not really her friends, but (im my opinion) excessive drinking. I'd rather not blow tons of money at a bar with people who after adding a few drinks all of a sudden turn into complete immature morons which I would be embarrased to be around.

A few people have asked me...."Do you think your wife is cheating?" I can hosnestly say I 100% trust her in that department. I do not believe for one minute she is flirting or seeing someone else. She may wish I shed a few pounds around my mid-section, but I'm far from out of shape. So no, I don't think she is cheating....I just think she still has this desire to pretend she's 18 years old again despite the fact she actually 40, and she realizes I'm over that type of behavior.

Anyway, I'm a bit disapointed in general I suppose that she hasn't told me her plans for Friday, that I found out through the 'grapevine' and I guess she thinks I'm none the wiser.

So, where was I? That was a terrible tangent....

Okay, so yeah....I've been wondering if this recent pressure and mood I've been experiencing s due to the fact I have been off my meds for a few weeks now, or it really is all these outside factors ganging up on me. I honestly can't tell, nor do I think short of somone drilling in my head and taking a sample of the chemicals bouncing around in my noggin', if this is a real medical issue for me that I will carry the rest of my life, or am I just caught up in the moment of my local environment and it's all a coincidence.

So to err on the side of caution, I took a pill this morning. I won't feel it at all for at least two weeks...and that's only if I start a regime of pill popping again which doesn't sit well with me...but maybe I really do need it. I can feel the wispy tenticles of depression grazing my feet here and there, and I suppose one could say I want to nip it in the bud before it's too late.

I went to church this past Sunday again too, and it was really good. The message was really strong as we are in teh book of Ephesians and studying the 'armor of God'. This last week it was the helmet of Hope. I think I need to re-read chapter 6 again and really soak it in.

Just dropped by...and...Whoa

The last few days I had been thinking I had been pretty silent as of late here. Not really good manners to build up a topic and/or issue to a crescendo and then seemingly go on hiatus for a few weeks with no real update.

It's been a little tickle in the back of my head for a few days now, but work has really been quite a 'bitch' as of late. The heat is hot outside and we are short handed and it seems the last week or so I've been doing double duty. I've been a bit more cranky and irritable and also experiencing both firestless sleep and a few nighmares as well. My body feels a bit rundown and I have a few more aches and pains as well. As a matter of fact two morning ago I awoke to an agonizing 'charlie horse' cramp in my right calf that scarred my wife as I hoped out of bed swearing.

I also am just taking note that I stopped taking my medication about two weeks ago, and I can't help but wonder if some of this is side effects due to withdrawl. Like I said, I do not that I am slightly more moody and irritable the last few days, but again, I don't know if that is just my hormones and chemicals in my head acting up with no meds, or is it because of the heat, additional work, stress, and lack of sleep. Maybe it's a combination of both and I need to resume my medication.

I haven't been feeling over spiritual as of late either. I just started taking stock yesterday that I have a longing to get my heart and mind back on track as I have allowed myself to drift the past few weeks as well. There's been a bit more stumbling lately...a few more colorful words...a few more adult drinks.....and a laise faire attitude towards everything. But that 'fake' fun is fun for only so long....or is it really any fun at all and am I just in denial?

My relationship with my wife had been improving for a few weeks since I last blogged.....and then we took a break (me too) from the counselor...partially to save money, partially because I wasn't 100% psoitive I or we were getting anything out of it the last two times and wondering if we were just going through the motions of attending a marriae counselr just to say we did. I dunno.

I initially wanted to come back an update you all on everything...which I kind of did....but to my surprise I received a very honest and sould bearing comment in my last post that really hit me. And it hit me hard. Sure enough, reading this man's words and his story really sunk in to me, and still does as I type this. He hurts, and I hurt with him and for him. Although we lead different lives, and have different experiences, and most liekly seperated by 100's perhaps 1000's of miles....his story and truth overlaps and entertwines with my own. And now I cannot help think I was drawn here today, not only for him, but for me as well. Perhaps God is using us both to share and learn from each other. To remind us that we are indeed not alone...even though at times we think we are.

I won't lie to you....yes, things in my marriage are indeed better today....but they aer far from where I would like them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will get there either. Maybe by God's grace and love my wife and I will be on the same page some day. The best I can say is we are at least in the same book, or book series. Months ago, we weren't. We were two different books, in two different genres, in two different libraries....co-habitating. It was a marriage on paper...in the legal sense....and while both of us did/do have emotions for each other...the timing always seemed to be off.

The commentor said he felt alone, despite once having a model life with a wife and three daughters, and pets long since gone. Brother, let me tell you. I have a step-daughter who doesn't even recgnize me on Fathers Day, Christmas, or my birthday. I have a sister-in-law who is more open to me than my own wife. I stare at my dog who just turned 4, and even now I lament and I beg God above that my dog stays with me as long as he possibly can, because when he is gone (and soon both my parents), I too feel alone.

That's sad.

Here I am married to a woman I love who sadly isn't in love with me the way I am with her. Oh, I do beleive my wife loves me....but I don't "feel" the agape type of love from her where I know I am her soul-mate. I sometimes say all I need is my dog. That is unconditional love. Mock me if you will...but I imagine that is just a taste of the love Jesus Christ has for us....no matter what we do, say, think, etc. My wife overheard me once say that my dog was "the love of my life" and commented to her friend "See....". Part of me felt bad, but part of me didn't. It was the truth from a certain perspective. My dog loves me unconditionally. He doesn't put parameters on me, doesn't expect much, doesn't back talk, doesn't have an attitude, or an excuse, or lie. He there for me whenever I want. He will allow me to invest as much time as I can into him and never once want to reject me or tell me it's too much.

Isn't Christ just like that?

More on this later when I re-group my thoughts....

Things are looking up?

I realize it been almost a month since my last post, and my last entry was indicating I was go to the therapists office to make sense of the verbal altercation my wife was having with from the previous weekend.

Pride is a very difficult thing. We all have it to one degree or another, and sometimes personal pride can get in the way of many a great thing, especially relationships. I don't mean this to be a wife bashing session (as you'll hopefully figure out in the coming paragraphs), but I have come to the realization my wife has a great amount of personal pride.

Not that pride is bad in and of itself, it's how it's applied in everyday situations. So for all you guys and gals, married or unmarried, or whatever you relationship status is....swallow your pride. Pride can be just as damaging as jealousy and bittereness and other negative emotions.

I've said this before...my spouse does not have 'sorry' in her vocabulary. She makes ammends in other ways and sometimes its difficult for me to recognize right away.

Long story short, Tuesday we did have a session with our counselor and when it was all said and done and we laid out both sides of the events that transpired, the female counselor told my wife that she was wrong. It was not a 'Nyah, Nyah, Nyah' moment for me. I had no desire to rub it in her face, but for me, it helped me unload some of the weight I carry on my own shoulders and midn in wondering "Am I really this screwed up? Do I really not get life? Have I been raised by a warped moral and ethical code that doesn't really exist?"

The other strange thing that I will never understand is once my wife heard that I in fact did the right thing and that perhaps she was actually out of line during the course of prior events, she seemed to understand the issue. How come when I point out stuff it's dismissed, but if someone else points out the EXACT same thing, then it is taken seriously and digested and thought about by her?

Anyway, that was close to a month ago, and I'm happy to report that things between us have improved. I feel as if my wife really is indeed trying to make an effort in some thinsg now. No nothing is perfect, including me, and I'm still on my medication, but I've been more at peace these last two weeks than I have in months. We are getting along well, doing things together and still being able to find the tiem to do our own things. I do feel a bit more empowered as of late as well and maybe not as spineless as before when it comes to my wife. Maybe my wife has gained an incling of more respect for me because of this too. I'm more firm in my answers...not mean...and I'm not getting suckered into certain badegerings. I just walk away and talk calmly and tell her when she wants to talk civily....we'll talk, and if she even begins to raise her voice, I just stop and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sure, I think this agitates her to no end, and I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but I'm saving myself from getting worked up, sleepless, having to rely on pills to lower my blood pressure or pain in my chest. I think she's getting the hint now and realizes I'm not as eaily goaded as before. And it does help when a professional tell her that her antics at times are just as unhealthy as mine.

But in all seriousness, we are getting along good. We actually hosted a party at our house last weekend which was fun for the both of us. We also recently went to the county fair, and tonight we are going to a concert...tickets that she bought for me, no less.

So let's hope this is a beginning of a new standard in turning our relationship around. I don't want to jinx it at all, but the last few weeks has been quite an improvement for us.

A walk around the asphalt

The worst thing about a slow day at work is the ability to let things fester as it seems time slows to a crawl and we have no control over it.

Unlike a good book which seems to end too fast, or a day at Disneyland is over before you know it...when you heart and mind and emotions are in crisis, time seems to stand still. It would be interesting to see if any scientists can corrolate time and general mood into a definable equation. It's apparant time flys when your having fun, but the opposite also applies, time drags when you are miserable.

Today each second tick of the clock seems like it lasts for one minute. One minute therefor seems ike an hour. I've been watching the clock most of the day today waiting for the 5pm bell to toll, so I can make the 1/2 hour commute to the therapists office where I will meet my wife and try and make some sorta of sense out of the weekend.

To help pass the time, I have found myself walking the parking lot between buildings in an attempt to look busy, but really I'm just playing the scenario over and over in my head and I still see no way out. I was in a losing position when I woke up this weekend, and my fate was already sealed even before I got the memo.

Interestingly enough, I came across this article today n the new. How apropos. Coincidence or divine intervention? You decide.

Anyway, right now I wish I had a Clonzapam or some other anti-anxiety medication. My chest feels a little tight and I'm a bit anxious. I'm also craving a nice stiff drink again no matter what the outcome may be. I want to sit under the stars in my backyard tonight and just learn to relax and take a cleansing breath. I'm still not sure if I'm angry or just don't care anylonger.

Confused

After a semi-emotional day yesterday, but able to maintain my self control overall, I came home and was able to lose myself in the television. When I'm distraught, I sometimes have a tendency to lose my appetite, and yesterday I had no breakfast, a half a sandwich for lunch, and for dinner I settled for a single bowl of Cheerios, and I was content.

By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.

I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.

I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.

What?

What did I miss?

Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.

I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.

As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.

Tired & Frustrated

I had a chance to read the first two chapters of, "So you don't want to go to church anymore."

It had been recommended to me to be a very good book, but since my overall mood as of late is a tad tainted and dark, I'm having a bit of an issue getting into it. Then again, I'm only on page 36, so I'm sure it can only get better.

It's been a few hours since my last post, and I was able to get hold of my wife by phone a few hours ago and get her to agree to a marriage session tomorrow afternoon. If not for her, then it needs to be for me.

I need to hear once again in a controlled room with a moderator on where my wife's head and emotions are at. That will help me decide my next course of action, although I will still be seeing an attorney on Friday at least to satisfy some of my own questions that would have been popping into my head.

It seems that my last few years of life has been a broken record. Please, if anyone is indeed reading this, please make sure that before you enter a relationship that you are indeed equally yoked. I've had a lot of emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles these last 5 years, and not to be a doomsayer, but that's when I got married.

Sure there are good times. And of course I love my wife. However, as the old saying goes, "If I knew then what I know now...", yes, it would be a completely different story. Somewhere the last few years I lost my manhood, not that I am a weakling by any means...I just don't like confrontation in any form, especially in the realm of what ssould be love and happiness. I also wonder how much of these thought and feelings of mine are a result from depression or a chemical imbalance, or did those come after the fact. The old chicked and the egg conundrum.

I'm headed home now....why? I don't know....I have nowhere else to go, and hanging out in a bar is counter productive and expensive. Right this moment I wise I were single.

Where am I at?

Once again, its been a while (much longer than I'd like to admit to) since I've written here, and I'd like to give one particular thank you for Jaime. Jaime, your occasional comments here and there really...encourage...me to continue writing here and exposing myself in the only capacity that I feel I can right now....safely...and to strangers.

I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.

That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.

We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.

I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.

In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.

For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.

So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.

I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.

Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.

The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.

A slip in medication makes for frustration

It's been a long weekend of sorts.

Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.

And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.

It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.

We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.

Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.

Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.

A Little Cranky

I'm kinda glad I'm back to work this week, and it will be a short week at well since our company is shutting down Friday for the Holiday.

I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.

So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.

I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..

I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.

My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.

Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.

Speechless?

No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.

My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.

Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.

There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.

To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).

My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.

We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.

We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.

Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.

My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.

The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.

Joint session tonight

My wife has agreed to our first joint marriage therapy session this evening, and for the first time in weeks, I'm not sure what to tyhink about it or what even to talk about.

We've been getting along better the last few weeks, better than we have been in a long time, but far from perfect.

I don't believe she knows I'm on what I like to call my 'Happy Pills, i.e. Lexapro. As I've said before, the medication makes me very tired and if anything my wife has noticed I am having a harder time getting up in the mornings and am going to bed earlier in the evenings. The afternoons are the worst. Usually somehwere between 2pm and 3pm, I know if I went to lay down somewhere, I'd most likely fall alseep or take a nap.

So, since the mild intervention that happened almost 2 months ago, today will be the first time we're back in front of the therapist...and while I think I have a lot to say, I'm really hoping the therapist will take charge and pose much more questions to my wife than to me. Not that I don't think that I am absolved of putting forth additional effort right now....its just I'm a little hesitant to say anything lest I 'rock the boat', or start a journey down a constructive and critical path I may pay for later with my wife's behavioral response or sarcastic words.

Do I want to talk about the drinking? Yes. About her lack of communication and backwards priorities? Yes. The disfunctional way her relationship with her daughter, parents, and sister are going? Yes... But I'm also afraid to open a can of worms.....I just want peace and quiet, so I'm not real inspired to lead the charge tonight. I want to be the observer, listener, and responder this time.

3+ weeks of Lexapro

Thank you Jamie for the last comments you left here and apologies for not updating sooner.

Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.

I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.

The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.

I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.

While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.

Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.

On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.

Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.

But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.

Taking the edge off

Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.

Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.

I've noticed two side effects so far:

1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.

2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.

I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.

Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.

She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.

All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.

Meds again

I don't take this offering to you very lightly, but after many weeks of long self-deliberation, I have decided to begin taking anti-depressants again.

These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.

And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.

It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.

In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.

So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.

Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.

Restless Again

Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. - (Isaiah 41:10)

Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.

It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.

I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.

Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.

I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.

When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.

I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.

That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.

Sullen Day

Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.

I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.

Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.

This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.

So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.

I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.

So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.

My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.