The last few days I had been thinking I had been pretty silent as of late here. Not really good manners to build up a topic and/or issue to a crescendo and then seemingly go on hiatus for a few weeks with no real update.
It's been a little tickle in the back of my head for a few days now, but work has really been quite a 'bitch' as of late. The heat is hot outside and we are short handed and it seems the last week or so I've been doing double duty. I've been a bit more cranky and irritable and also experiencing both firestless sleep and a few nighmares as well. My body feels a bit rundown and I have a few more aches and pains as well. As a matter of fact two morning ago I awoke to an agonizing 'charlie horse' cramp in my right calf that scarred my wife as I hoped out of bed swearing.
I also am just taking note that I stopped taking my medication about two weeks ago, and I can't help but wonder if some of this is side effects due to withdrawl. Like I said, I do not that I am slightly more moody and irritable the last few days, but again, I don't know if that is just my hormones and chemicals in my head acting up with no meds, or is it because of the heat, additional work, stress, and lack of sleep. Maybe it's a combination of both and I need to resume my medication.
I haven't been feeling over spiritual as of late either. I just started taking stock yesterday that I have a longing to get my heart and mind back on track as I have allowed myself to drift the past few weeks as well. There's been a bit more stumbling lately...a few more colorful words...a few more adult drinks.....and a laise faire attitude towards everything. But that 'fake' fun is fun for only so long....or is it really any fun at all and am I just in denial?
My relationship with my wife had been improving for a few weeks since I last blogged.....and then we took a break (me too) from the counselor...partially to save money, partially because I wasn't 100% psoitive I or we were getting anything out of it the last two times and wondering if we were just going through the motions of attending a marriae counselr just to say we did. I dunno.
I initially wanted to come back an update you all on everything...which I kind of did....but to my surprise I received a very honest and sould bearing comment in my last post that really hit me. And it hit me hard. Sure enough, reading this man's words and his story really sunk in to me, and still does as I type this. He hurts, and I hurt with him and for him. Although we lead different lives, and have different experiences, and most liekly seperated by 100's perhaps 1000's of miles....his story and truth overlaps and entertwines with my own. And now I cannot help think I was drawn here today, not only for him, but for me as well. Perhaps God is using us both to share and learn from each other. To remind us that we are indeed not alone...even though at times we think we are.
I won't lie to you....yes, things in my marriage are indeed better today....but they aer far from where I would like them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will get there either. Maybe by God's grace and love my wife and I will be on the same page some day. The best I can say is we are at least in the same book, or book series. Months ago, we weren't. We were two different books, in two different genres, in two different libraries....co-habitating. It was a marriage on paper...in the legal sense....and while both of us did/do have emotions for each other...the timing always seemed to be off.
The commentor said he felt alone, despite once having a model life with a wife and three daughters, and pets long since gone. Brother, let me tell you. I have a step-daughter who doesn't even recgnize me on Fathers Day, Christmas, or my birthday. I have a sister-in-law who is more open to me than my own wife. I stare at my dog who just turned 4, and even now I lament and I beg God above that my dog stays with me as long as he possibly can, because when he is gone (and soon both my parents), I too feel alone.
That's sad.
Here I am married to a woman I love who sadly isn't in love with me the way I am with her. Oh, I do beleive my wife loves me....but I don't "feel" the agape type of love from her where I know I am her soul-mate. I sometimes say all I need is my dog. That is unconditional love. Mock me if you will...but I imagine that is just a taste of the love Jesus Christ has for us....no matter what we do, say, think, etc. My wife overheard me once say that my dog was "the love of my life" and commented to her friend "See....". Part of me felt bad, but part of me didn't. It was the truth from a certain perspective. My dog loves me unconditionally. He doesn't put parameters on me, doesn't expect much, doesn't back talk, doesn't have an attitude, or an excuse, or lie. He there for me whenever I want. He will allow me to invest as much time as I can into him and never once want to reject me or tell me it's too much.
Isn't Christ just like that?
More on this later when I re-group my thoughts....
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