Still drawing a blank.

Ugh...I can't beleive it's been almost three month since my last post, and even more sad is the fact it doesn't seem much has changed since that post either.

I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.

The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.

Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.

Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.

We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.

So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.

My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.

We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.

I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.

I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.

I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.

I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.

Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.

I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.

It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.

I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.

I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?

I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.