Eye of the Storm (Part I)

I wanted to start this entry with a verse, but the one that I had in mind elludes me right now. It had something to do letting Christ walk before you, leading the way as trials and tribulations occur. Although these events may be tests, (or maybe not) it is to be our submittal of will to Him, that will ensure that He sees us through these tumultous times. Maybe it will come to me later.

Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.

I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.

Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.

At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.

At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.

Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"

To be continued....

The Day of Reckoning

It is 7pm right now and I sit home alone as my wife left to visit her friends about an hour and a half ago.

She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.

Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.

For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.

She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.

I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.

I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.

My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.

I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.

I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.

Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.

I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.

The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.

After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.

My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.

Sublime Peace

It's 2:30 pm in the afternoon right now.....and I know I am less about 19 hours away from having the 'reality' check with my wife and family....and I feel oddly at peace right now.

That is...right now.

I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.

My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.

It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."

I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.

By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.

Turning point?

Last night when my wife arrived home from work she finally read the two photo-copied chapters of "The Five languages of Love" I had given her two days before. I was hoping it would have opened a dialouge between us when she was done, and after a few minutes of silence (as if she was digesting it), I decided to break the ice.

I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.

We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:

1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.

silence

I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.

Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.

To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.

She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.

That's not good enough for me.

We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.

There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.

She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."

I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.

At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.

Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.

3 days and counting

Yesterday I spent my lunch in solitude, reading Psalms 50 thru 58, and trying to digest them. I found some encouraging words buried within, but I also had to read sections over and over because my mind was still having issues focusing.

I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.

My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.

Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.

The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.

Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.

I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.

I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.

Critical Junctures

So much has been going on in terms of my personal life, more specifically my marriage the last few weeks/months, that is one of the main reasons for my lack of posts.

It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.

Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.

I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.

Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.

It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.

Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.

I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.

One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).

The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.

I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.

My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.

I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.

I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.

Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.

Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.

Please pray for me

If anyone just so happens to stop by this site today, please pray for me.

I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.

Can you have depression and know God?

This topic came up rather impromptly the other day during a discussion I was having with some men regarding the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us upon acceptance of Christ and the continued temptations of Satan and his minions afterwards and the failings of the flesh.



I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.



This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"



I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.



"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."



Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.



We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."



Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.



It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."



The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.



One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.

The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...

But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.

I think I just need a hobby (part III)

So I had a pleasant time at the Train Expo this past weekend. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, since I've never been to one before, but I'm happy I went. I had a chance to speak to a couple of guys who were in model train clubs and seemed very excited to share with me their expereinces and a chance to show off their work.

What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.

I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.

The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.

Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.

I think I just need a hobby (part II)

So where was I?

Oh, a long rambling rant of finding something to do in my spare time that makes me happy and that I can excited about and place my pent up energy into and get some sense of self accomplishment out of.

I spoke of model trains yesterday and briefly mentioned podcasting. So let me tell you more about podcasting. I really enjoy the idea of learning RSS protocols, blogging, sharing (for those that want to hear, or care) and I suppose the idea of having a audio show out there in cyberspace is very intriguing to me. A 30 minute episode produced weekly or biweekly seems completly doable to me, but the biggest issue for me right now is what would the show be about?

I've been reading the book 'Podcasting for Dummies', and I'm pretty good with computers and conceptual understanding to know how it is all supposed to work. But again, it;s the subject matter. What niche could I find myself talking about that already isn't flooded with like minded subjects that could hold an audiences attention for 20 to 30 minutes at a time?

I'm passionate about a lot of diffrent things...like cooking, politics, religion, comic book collecting, video games, science fiction....but a search of podcast directories reveals that these subjects are already saturated and many done in teams of two or more people. How would I make mine stand out amongst all the others.

Do I do show about depression? How fun would that be for either myself or you? Do I do a show about Christ when I am very immature in the studies to begin with? Do I do a comedy show when people do tell me I am very funny and witty when I want to be? How about cooking? Dogs? Current TV shows? Well, it seems that many of these already exist and again, I'm not sure I can sustain enough material to keep a show going for more than a half a dozen epsiodes.

That's another reason I think I need a 'real' hobby. If I could sink my teeth into something cool, say model trains, I could see myself doing a poscast on that.

I have a friend who is single and I envy portions of his lifestyle. On a whim, he can just jump in his car (he belongs to an off roading car club) and he goes on little 2-4 days excursions with variosu people and he always has the most interesting stories and pictures....and they are always diffrent. Like he could do a podcast on the diffrent trips he takes...he could talk about camp grounds, restaurants, points of interest, communing with nature, social circles with his trip mates, pictures he took, weather, and most importantly his car and the tips and tricks of offroading. That to me sounds exciting....but those are 'his' experiences...not mine, and I can't afford to do those types of things. I'm very happy for him, but envious none-the-less.

The last few days (stretching actually into a week or more) I've been wracking my brain on what I would like to do. I come up with fleeting ideas, but then again, nothing that hits me smack in the middle of the head. The best idea I have right now is more or less a jack of all trades variet-esque type show. Something where I could talk about day trips, hobbies, video games, tv...a little bit of everything I like to do....but how do I market it? How do I promote it? How do I secure an audience that may really like my subject one week, but hate all the others?

I must contemplate more.

I think I just need a hobby (part I)

Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.

It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).

It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).

I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.

It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).

Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.

Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.

I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.

So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.

Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.

I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.

(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).

Hives again

I've been a little stressed out again lately....well, seeing that I'm waking up anywhere between 4am and 5am and feel as if there is a woundup softball behind my sternum, I'd garner to say I've been very stressed out as of late.

My wife is once again making irresponsible financial blunders that is resulting in the bank sending her bounced check notices and the credit card companies calling a few times day looking for her in which she ignores. Couple all this with tax season around the corner, property taxes due, and continued layoffs at my workplace, I broke out in hives a few days ago. My hands are completly swollen right now and itch like crazy.

Even my extended family has made certain observations in which prompted my sister in law to have a mild intervention with me. What was really nice was the fact that she took her time in crafting me a wonderful email that was fair, balanced and has my best interests at heart. And I believe every word of hers.

I haven't gone to church much the last few weeks and I don't really have a good answer as to why.

I've also been trying to distract myself in other ways, perhaps as an escape to the reality that is my life. I've been searching for new hobbies, been engrossed in books and gadgets, and doing just about anything I can to not deal with my home life situation. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, although it hasn't been directed here, and I'm seemingly having a hard time putting cohesive words and thoughts together. That's most likely why I haven't been updating here as much as of late...I'm really having a hard time putting things together right now.

It's been a while

This blog has been on my mind a lot as of late.

It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.

The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.

On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.

I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.

That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.

And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.

My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.

Re-connecting

I recently joined Facebook, a social networking site supposedly geared more to adults than MySpace is. I've seen MySpace before, and I don't particularly care for it. It's just a jumble of random color schemes, music blurbs, and juvenile teen-speak.

MySpace debuted prior to Facebook, and it became the mouthpiece for the whole 15-20 year old crowd, of course there are adults on there as well....and I would imagine many are on there posing as someone they are actually not. A very scary place in cyberspace with adult predators, damaged children, very little monitoring, etc. I actually detest it. I could go on and on about the negatives of MySpce, but that's not what this post is about.

Facebook is the more mature brother to MySpace....where more adults gravitate too, and the conversations and blurbs have a bit more substance without as much vulgarity.

However, I have mixed thoughts on Facebook as well. My wife is addicted to it.....dangerously so. Not that I worry about her 'cheating' on me, but she, like so many others begin to develop an unhealthy addiction to it that it begins to replace actual face-to-face conversations. Just like texting with cellphones....I don't get the point. If you're holding a phone in yoru hand, why not just call? Why would you use a phone to type a message and wait for a reply? Why not 'talk' to the person. I recently heard an interview with various therapists who also warn about teh dangers of this trend....more and more people are not actually talking to each other anymore. Conversations are being chipped down to basic words that fly back and forth in the ether and we as humans are losing are ability to look people in the eye...to read facial expressions, to share 'real' experiences and so on. Everything is becoming snippets, and things of course get lost in translation.

One of my best friends says the same thing. His wife, since introduced to Facebook, is on it all the time, which robs him and her of their relationship together. He hates these social sites and refuses to join.

For a long time I agreed with him, and felt the same way.

Until I looked over my wifes shoulder and discovered I could search for many a lost friend. Before I knew it, I had my own profile created and within minutes had found friends I hadn't seen in over 20-25 years. Elementary schools chums, high school buddies, ex-girlfriends, college fraternity brothers.

Today I have about 60 friends on my 'friends' list....and you know what? My wife isn't listed as one of them. I haven't asked her, and she hasn't asked me. In a way...it may not be a bad idea, but it does still strike me strange that we haven't asked each other to be on our respective social lists. Maybe we need to protect our privacy even in cyberspace. In all honesty, I'm kinda glad she doesn't 'check up' on me...I have had a few ex-girlfriends write me, and while they have been completly innocent, the potential of bringing up the past has been a concern of mine...something I tip-toe around quite a bit. As a matter of fact, this past weekend I had an ex-girlfriend write me which took me by surprise (I'm ashamed to say I forgot about her), and then added in a comment that in regards to my picture "You look great, but then again...you were always easy on the eyes." Of course it was a nice compliment and I'm flattered, but it's nothing I want to share or explain to my wife who this person is, was, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes it's good to have certain chapters in life to be closed....for good.

The one true blessing so far is a college roommate of mine who I haven't seen or spoke to since '93 contacted me. That's 15 years since we last spoke to each other, and I had the opportunity to share with him my testimony of re-discovering God and Christ a few years ago due to some comment I posted. We were able to speak on the phone yesterday for the first time in 15 years. We spoke for about 30 minutes....until he was cut short due to a family manner. We rehashed the past for a bit, and he paid me quite a few compliments as how he remembered me and how he thought I was the one guy 'who had it all together and make something of his life'.

Now that I am in the Lord, I don't have much to hide, and I told him about my issues the last few years.....the depression, the anxiety, the drugs, the emotions, the thoughts of death. He was both shocked and happy....happy that I am now a Christian, for he too became one a few years back as well. He told me about his lows and issues as well and how he came to know the Lord. A far cry since our college days living as modern day Romans.

We were able to share our testimonies with each other, and our frienship seemed like it was as alive today as it was all those years ago, but now we have something else in common....Christ as our savior...and I suppose I need to thank Facebook for bringing us back together.

Nothing new to report

Fortunately, I wasn't laid off last week, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear. Our company did release some temporary workers, how many...I'm not sure...and it appears at least for the time being any additional layoffs may be on hold for at least a month, maybe two.

So I suppose I have some breathing room for the time being, and this little mini-scare I had last week had me once again cinching up the old financial belt. Money right now is going directly to debt and the neccessities, such as food and gas. Once again, I fear that any hopes of a real vacation may be dashed as I look around and see so many others right now facing economic hardships.

I'm not sure why, but I didn't go to church this past weekend. I got up early and intended to go, but once again like what happened a few weeks back, the closer it got time to leave....the more I just sat struggling within and making excuses to enjoy a cup of coffee and solitude.

I've been think of 'R' lately and haven't found the courage to call his ex-fiance up to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll call this weekend and make it a point to bring my dog over to play with her and R's dog as an excuse.

Getting back to the unemployment thing again....only now that that particular episode is over do I recognize the enemy was using my own insecurities and fears against me. I let the rumors rob me of piece of mind, and for those few days I made myself physically uncomfortable for nothing. I worried and panicked and stressed, for what? Too bad this is a life lesson I constantly fail at learning anything.

An uncertain tomorrow

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2)

I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.

Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.

The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.

Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.

I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.

Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).

But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.

Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.

A little of this and that.

Finally after a two week self-imposed hiatus, I went to church yesterday and it was just what I needed.

The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).

Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.

I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.

As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.

I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.

Pastor Rick Warren is Obama's Inaugural Choice

Imagine my surprise today when I was glancing at the news and came across this story. It appears that president elect Obama has chosen influenetial christian minister Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation come this January.

I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.

My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.

But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.

However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.

Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.

Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.

A week until Christmas...and I'm just not feeling it.

....For all the wrong reasons no less.

Only with the addition of the rain the last two days has it reminded me that the highest holiday of the year is next week, and the best thing I've been looking forward to? Shamefully, the fact that I will have 12 days off in a row, returning to work on January 5th, 2009.

Christmas shopping for gifts has been scaled way back this year. My wife and I agreed that I would buy for my family, and she would buy for hers. It's a bit tough to admit at first that this year the gift giving is much smaller than it was in years past, but in a way I'm also glad we came to this agreement.....especially as I see the mounting bills and I've been stressing a bit about how we are going to pay them.

It also paigned me to make it very clear to my family so there was no hurt feeling or surprises that we would indeed be scaling back. In addition to our limited gifts, I have decided to host a Christmas dinner. Despite all my other flaws, nuances, and scattered emotions...one thing my family (and my wife) can agree on...is that I am a damn good cook.

Decoration around our house are a bit sparse too. When I was growing up, my parents always had a nice big tree even though there was only the three of us. My mom used to bake a lot as well, so the smell of banana date bread or sugar cookies often permeated our home. We used to watch Christmas specials on television, and combined, these things used to get me in the Christmas spirit.

Well we have a very small (2' tall) fake tree on a stand in our living room (because of space limitations and the dog) so all my beautiful ornaments once again remain in storage. My wife did put some nice garland on our banister and I decorated the outside trim with lights, but lacking are all the cards by the fireplace, the wreath, the smell of sweet cookies or bread, or most anything else Christmas.

My wife as of this past weekend hasn't started her shopping, and I have mixed feelings about this. I feel bad to a certain extent that she has limited funds and in a slight mode of worry on what to buy people (if she even will), but on the other hand she's had all year to plan for this, put away money, get her priorities in line...and instead she didn't. Like so many other frustrating moments I bite my tongue over she has opted to spend any disposable income she has on her Monday night bowling escapades and the rental of a storage unit she was supposed to down-grade to a cheaper, smaller unit almost 6 months ago. As much as it bothers me, I can't control her or tell her what to do....If I do...it's nagging and controlling. But I can't continue to bail her out anymore. It kills me a little more each time when I see her credit card statements come in each month and they just seem to get worse and worse (she finally gave me both cards and we closed one account altogther...I have the other card in my wallet for emergencies...but we'll never use it.)

Getting back to Christmas....even my work cancelled it's annual department potluck and we didn't even string lights up this year (last year our department looked like a poor mans disco....but at least we had some decorations). In speaking with neighbors and friends, no one is really having any holiday parties either. We did attend one almost two weeks ago which was pretty fun, but's thats the only one. My wife and I are attempting a potluck at our house this Saturday with a $5-10 gift exchange, but so far the response rate is pretty slim.

And how do I plan on spending my 12 days off? I may have to force myself to drive us somewhere outside and take the dog, otherwise all I had planned was watching some movies on dvd, playing some games, finishing a novel, and going to the gym. Nothing fancy....we just can't afford it.

And there is still the recent passing of 'R' looming over us as well. I know my wife was sad again last night...I guess she spoke with the ex-fiance who is flying out today and is also writing the obituary. It's hard to celebrate when a friend has died. I can imagine how difficult it is for families who lose someone close to Christmas as well.

Also there's the religious aspect or lack of religion as of late. Is it me, or does it seem like every atheist group came out of the woodwork the last month? I just feel so much more of an assault on Christmas this year as opposed to previous years it really has me concerned.

No, it's just not feeling like Christmas to me and it bother me the more I think about it.

Passing of a friend

With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.

I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).

I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.

The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.

By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.

Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.

Still no news

It's been about 25 -26 hours since I first heard the news regarding my friend 'R', and unfortunately I have nothing new to report.

Last night my wife worked late and I heard her come in around 10:30pm or so. I was upstairs fiddling around and it was fairly quiet. After waiting about 15 minutes or so for my wife to say something I went ahead and walked down stairs where she was aimlessly trying to straighten up the kitchen. I figure it was just something out of habit to do with keeping busy or moving her hands as I noticed her placing perfectly clean dishes into the dishwasher.

I looked at her face and could tell she had been crying. I don't see my wife cry very often. People often say I'm the sensitive person in the family and she's the rock (which is true depending on the circumstance).

I asked her what was the matter, and after a very long pause (as if she was collecting her thoughts) she spilled out a torrent of repetitive sentences "How do I help her? What can I do?", clearly referencing her friend, the ex-fiance of R.

The best I could do is allow her to talk, to open up, to continue to spill....not to interrupt and make all those stupid cliches I despised so much some time back. Finally, when she took a breath I attempted to counsel her that her involvement right now is one of prayer. As human beings, we want to fix things ourselves, often leaving God and Christ by the wayside. Her girlfriend is very distraught as I expected and has already began blaming herself, and my wife is frustrated that she doesn't know what to do.

I tried to explain her friend probably would be oblivious to any advice we can give her, or any forced interjection on our behalf. Let her go through the natural stages of emotions over the next few days and the only thing we can do is to let her know she can talk to us when she is willing, ready, and able. That the best we can do is let her know that we will be praying...not only for 'R', but that that she has peace of mind and an inner strength. I told my wife if she couldn't think of anything to do or say right now, then turn to God and ask Him to use her as a vessel and she'll know in her heart what her actions should be. Ask Christ to walk with you and be with you when you see your friend. It's not the two of you tackling this problem by yourselves, its you with the addition of Christ. Before you pick up the phone, before you drive over to her house, before you see her...PRAY. Pray that God fills you with wisdom, and even if you don't understand or recognize it now, that He will make Himself known to those that need and seek strength and courage.

I truly think it's the enemy telling us "Ha! Look at you now. Where is your God in the midst of this tragedy. He has abandoned you and you are failing as a friend." NOT SO. Pray that the chains of oppression and guilt and lack of worth are overcome. Man, I wish I could take my own advice at times.

We finally went to bed at around 11:30pm after she did much of the discussing and I did much of the listening. I held her hand in bed for at least 20 minutes to let her know I was there, and that I am praying...not only for R, but for my wife and R's ex-fiance.

In a very rare moment, my wife told me (and in the first time in a long time I believed her) that she loved me, and she rubbed my back for a moment.

Today I called her at work and asked if she had heard any more news. She hadn't. And neither have I. My attempts at calls have been met with endless ringing or answering machines and I'm sure we are in for another evening of awkwardness as it's hard to relax and be social with others on a Friday evening when you want to know how your friends are doing, especially when one is in R's condition.

Some very troubling news

My friends....those that check in with me on a semi-regular basis to those that are just stopping by for the first time due to a random click of the mouse or wayward search....I received a very devestating call this afternoon.

I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.

I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.

R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.

R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.

If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.

He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.

Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.

Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.

This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.

He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.

I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.

R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.

I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.

It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.

Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder

I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.

If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:

• Alcohol and substance abuse.
• Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
• Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
• Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
• Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.

You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.

It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.

This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.

The Wake

In Monday's post I commented that I had a friend whose mom recently died of cancer.



I was able to take some time off work yesterday to attend her wake. To be honest, I didn't know her at all. I never even met her. But my friendships, the few that I have, are dear to me in a way I can never truly express to my friends. At the very least, I had to be there for him, just to let him know I was thinking of him.



It was an interesting wake. It was held at his fathers house, and I got to meet the rest of his family. My friend took me on a tour of his house, and showed me all the crafts his mother was into before she passed. She was only 65.



I stayed for a few hours. My wife stayed a bit longer as we both took seperate cars from our workplaces. When she finally got home last night I could tell she was upset and had been crying. I inquired as to why, and she said that there was a little 'drama' between one of the sons and the father, and it turned ugly. Surely emotions were strung out enough from recent events, and I suppose when you mix alcohol, anything can happen.



My wife said she was sad because she thought the mother was looking down at her wake and seeing one of her sons arguing with his dad.



I told her not to worry, that I doubt she was looking down upon the events at her former house. My wife countered, "What? You don't think guardian angels look after us?"



Whoa...I explained that Guardian angels are completely diffrent from the departed souls of humans. Angels are also God's creation, and yes, while I do indeed believe they do exist and watch over us, it is because God created them in spirit form and gave them various tasks, some of which include watching over us and possibly intervening at times in a supernatural manner, but by no means am I aware of any biblical support of humans looking back down on us.



I never really though of this before, and it just seemed to hit me last night. My whole life I've heard or just accepted by proxy that 'my grandfather' or 'my grandmother' was looking down upon us, smiling. I hear people say that all the time about children and sibling that seem to die before what seems an acceptable timeframe for us....and as a way of comfort....we, the still living say things that may ease others pain. It's only natural, and probably means no harm what-so-ever.



But are they looking back down on us? I don't think so. Once we die, we hopefully open our eyes in 'paradise'. I'm sure we have much other things on our minds...the sheer beauty of His creation, new sights and sounds, and sensations man cannot even put into words. There is peace, and joy, were tears are no more....Why would anyone look back upon us down here and be concerned? If anything, they may be waiting for us to join them....and not waiting in an impatient sense...but looking forward to the time when we join them for all eternity.



Speaking of time...I'm not even sure there is time in paradise. I think when we leave our mortal shells, we are beyond time. Our lives are but a twinkling of an eye, a lingering morning mist that disapears just as quickly as it was formed. Sure...to us she has only been gone less than a week, but to her....she has already experienced an unquantifiable period in her new glorified body. When her sons finally pass...whether that a few years or decades from now....if they too find themselves in 'Paradise', I think the mother will be there with open arms and quite possibly to her, a mere blink of an eye may have passed. That is if we believe that Paradise and the one day completed Heaven is outside of conventional time. To our loved ones that have passed so many years ago...perhaps by their new frame of reference, they just turned there backs momentarily and we just arrived.



But to think our loved ones take a vested intrest in our day to day trivialities....I don't see that happening. Christ is with us, God is with us, the Holy Spirit lives within us, the Angels are aware of things that God allows them to and can watch over and protect us by His willing. But our deceased souls...No...I'd like to think they are on to much joyous things and it just keeps getting better and better with each passing second (by our frame of reference), and someday we'll all be together as well.

Revisiting the unfinished

It's been a strange week for me both emotionally and psychologically.

I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.

I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..

My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.

My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.

And I really didn't care.

I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.

My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.

Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.

Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.

President Elect

"Remind your people to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do whats good. They must not speak evil of anyone, and they must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone." (Titus 3: 1-2)

So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.

As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.

I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.

When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.

As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.

I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.

I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.

I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.

Voter Anxiety

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -(Isaiah 41:10)

It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.

I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.

No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.

It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.

My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.

Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.

But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.

This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.

I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.

These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.

I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.

Money truly is the root of all woe

Uggg....

So we had another argument last night.

About the usual....money.

My wife started the conversation innocently enough..."Let me run something by you."

Whenever I here something like that, especially from her, there really is no upside. I suppose it was good she waited until it was later in the evening and I was already sitting down.

"What if I took out $15K our from my 401K to pay off my credit card bills, repay my mother, and help with the property taxes."

I suppose her heart was in the right place, but the amount of $15K was a jaw dropper. Now assuming that she pays her mother back the money I am 'aware' of, and even helps to pay the property taxes....that still doesn't account for $10K left over. How can we be in additional $10K worth of debt that I'm not really aware of.

It doesn't help matters that our country seems to be headed towards a recession, and the fact that my company just recently let go of 15 employees, with an additional rumored 20-25 before the end of the year. Then sometime early next year, a reorganization is supposedly in the works with even more employees losing their jobs.

Didn't I just go through this 2 years ago? I'm already beginning to stress out again and these are just rumors. I so wanted to take a vacation this year....to go on the cruise we've been talking about for the past 4 years....but rumors likes these scare me...and tend for me to go into lock down and conservative mode. No wonder I've started to experience my insomnia again this past week.

I know Jesus tells us not to worry, to cast our burdens and troubles upon him and look to Him for peace...I just don't know if I can endure another round of this stress and possible unemployment again so soon. It's been a rough career for me, and as soon as things seem to settle down for me, that's when things always seem to get shaken up....and I always end up on the short end of the stick.