It's been a while

This blog has been on my mind a lot as of late.

It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.

The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.

On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.

I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.

That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.

And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.

My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.